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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a wedding invite more than 6 weeks before the big day?

205 replies

randomquestions · 18/02/2018 19:13

So I'm 99% sure I'm invited to a wedding in 6 weeks time, well I was 100% sure but the days are going by and the postman still hasn't delivered an invitation. I've sorted out childcare and everything for my kids for the day and evening.

But I would have expected to have received an invitation a minimum of 8 weeks before the big day. I know when I got married, I had to confirm numbers and meal choices etc with the venue at least 4 weeks before and you inevitably have to spend some time chasing up those people who don't get their RSVPs back by the RSVP date. And then you also need time to get the table plan done and printed or whatever.

AIBU to think it's leaving it a bit late to get the invites out? Or maybe I'm just not invited!

OP posts:
Original poster
randomquestions · 19/02/2018 04:20

I haven't put the feelers out yet to see if anyone else I know has got an invite. I just kept thinking it must arrive soon (I was thinking of getting my hair put up that morning and was wondering what time the ceremony was so I could book the hairdresser). I was just thinking last night that it was getting a bit late and wondered if that was normal. I did mine 8 weeks before and even that seemed to be cutting it a bit fine with having to chase up those few who didn't reply by the RSVP date, an invite I'd sent to an old address etc.

She came to my wedding a few years ago, with her partner (the groom to be) who I'd only met once at that stage as they hadn't been going out long. She was invited to my hen but couldn't come.

I'm definitely in the camp of thinking you shouldn't invite someone to your hen if they're not invited to the wedding. I'm also in the camp of disliking evening only invites, but that's probably a whole other thread Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
randomquestions · 19/02/2018 04:22

Oh god if she is only sending them out now, the stress of anyone not replying by the RSVP date when she's cutting it so fine already might just send her over the edge......

OP posts:
Nearlynewlywed · 19/02/2018 05:45

Hmm very strange. I would reason that if you haven't had it by five weeks prior, you aren't invited or it has got lost. After that, if you do want to go and would be disappointed to find that you couldn't go because of a simple mistake, I would just ask her!

If you ask and the answer is that no you're not invited, she will be much more embarrassed than you. She has implied that you are and has invited you to her hen weekend, that would be embarrassingly cheeky. I don't think your friendship would be the same again anyway so I don't see that you have much to lose.

To be honest, you have made a few comments anyway that make it seem like you don't like her too much!

BedtimeTea · 19/02/2018 06:13

I would be direct and ask before you pay for the hen do.

StopPOP · 19/02/2018 06:17

Hmmm 'tis late to be sending out invites. I'd be asking outright

EnterFunnyNameHere · 19/02/2018 06:27

I found this really weird when planning my wedding, as most things I read online suggested invites should only go out 6 weeks before. 6 weeks is practically just round the corner, let alone allowing for people who miss the rsvp date and then you don't know what to confirm with caterers, I need way more notice than that as a guest to book hotels etc.

I think 6 weeks is fine where everyone lives so close together, but in these days of widely spread friends and family I actually think it's quite rude to give people so little notice (I guess unless you have basically told people they are invited and the date / place - but if you've told them that already that's basically a verbal version of the invite!).

CheekyRedhead · 19/02/2018 06:36

maybe save the dates were sent out but you didn't get one? (lost in post or just not invited?) oh and I've also been on hen do so without invites to the actual wedding

MirandaWest · 19/02/2018 06:42

Often people have to confirm numbers with venues a while before the wedding (can be two months before which would be a barrier to sending the invitations out 6 weeks before).

I got married in 1999 and then in 2016. Can’t remember when the invitations were sent out the first time but I know the rsvp date was 6 weeks before the wedding so must have been before then. Second wedding we sent them out about 4 months before. Was about the same when we were invited to a wedding last year.

I am wondering whether you are invited to the wedding - I think you need to check with someone.

Chocolatesaveslives · 19/02/2018 06:44

Unfortunately it seems to me you weren't invited. At this stage, if I were the bride, I'd be chasing up RSVPs that hadn't even returned, not sending the invitations out.

Some people do invite to hen/stag doos and then not the wedding, or just the evening only. I don't think it right but I've heard of it happening.

LavenderDoll · 19/02/2018 06:47

I would be thinking I wasn't invited
6 weeks is very short notice to send an invite.

MaisyPops · 19/02/2018 07:07

Just ask.
We sent a save the date out to a friend about 6 months before the wedding and then when my maid of honour was doing the hen party thing my friend messaged me saying she probably wouldn't be able to afford to come for it. I asked if she could Rsvp for the wedding so i had numbers and she never received her invitation.

In the end it was too short notice for her to attend due to work. I wished she's contacted me sooner. We're still good friends but I feel awful that i was at hers and she wasn't at mine.

noeffingidea · 19/02/2018 07:07

People used to get invites to hen dos without being invited to the wedding because hen nights just used to be a night in a local pub, and weddings were often smaller so people couldn't invite everyone they wanted to. Thats different from a lot of todays hen dos that take a lot of time and money. Yes I would be a bit pissed off if that happened to me.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/02/2018 07:09

OP, don't hold your breath ....
I agree if you're going on the hen night, you should be going to the wedding.

chocolateiamydrug · 19/02/2018 07:10

I really would start considering the option of not being invited. 6 weeks is late and the bride hasn't chased you for s RSVP either (so guess nothing got lost in the post). Hen do invite doesn't always mean you are invited to the big day.

TheGlitterFairy · 19/02/2018 07:12

I’m with you OP - 6 weeks is cutting it a bit fine! One of my oldest friends is getting married soon - they’ve given verbal invitations and we’ve discussed the venue etc (we are invited) but no formal invitation and no idea what time the ceremony is!! I think I shall ask!

icelollycraving · 19/02/2018 07:12

What will you do if no invite is forthcoming and you’ve paid to go on the hen?
Could you get a refund?

londonrach · 19/02/2018 07:15

Its vvv short notice. Cant believe its tradional as always had invites months in advance. Never had any for 6 weeks as its too short notice for most people. Id expect bride and groom get alot of nos at 6 weeks. Also how on earth do you plan food, table plan etc with people needing two or three weeks to rsvp.

londonrach · 19/02/2018 07:15

Id say you not invited sorry op

SundaysFunday · 19/02/2018 07:18

I think you might not be invited, really hope that's not the case. Can you check if other guests have received theirs yet?

Cherrycokewinning · 19/02/2018 07:30

“Yesterday 22:46 BigGreenOlives

We got an invitation months and months ahead and it just annoyed me. It’s for a friend’s son & giving me 10 months notice for a wedding abroad gives me no real excuse not to be able to go.”

I’d feel the same but I suspect that’s exactly why they do it Grin

I don’t understand people so worked up about only 6 weeks before. You may be booked up all spring but you just have to decide if the wedding is more important than all the other important things you have booked up and decide. It’s different if it’s a weekday, or a destination wedding

Original poster
randomquestions · 19/02/2018 08:19

Hmmm quite a range of responses. I didn't mean to come across like I don't like her much. She's obviously not a really close friend, but she is someone I'd catch up with over a coffee or a glass of vino every couple of months, sometimes more regularly. She can be rather stressy and negative and sometimes I just can't be bothered with all that (tbh she has never seemed overly excited about either the hen weekend or wedding any time we've been chatting about it).

Anyway, I like to be organised myself. I need 2 people to look after the kids and with it being over Easter that's something I needed to have organised in advance. I'd also like to have my hair styled that morning (imagine having to cancel an appointment saying I wasn't actually invited after all Shock) and like to have an outfit and wedding presents sorted a few weeks in advance too.

If I knew I was definitely invited it wouldn't be such a big deal only getting the formal invite at this stage, but now that I still haven't received it I'm really starting to doubt myself!

Assuming they've posted them at the weekend, I'll make some enquiries if I haven't received anything by Tuesday, I think that's reasonable especially as quite a few of you think that posting out the invites with 6 weeks to go is normal.

OP posts:
LoveInTokyo · 19/02/2018 08:23

That’s a bit silly really, Cherrycoke and the original person.

You are not doing the bride and groom a favour by going to their wedding if you don’t really want to. If you don’t want to go, just say you can’t go and let the bride and groom save some money or invite someone else from their reserve list. We have set a maximum number of guests and if enough people say they can’t make it then I will probably invite some work colleagues instead. (Haven’t been in my job very long so I don’t know colleagues that well yet.)

WeeM · 19/02/2018 08:25

I think 6 weeks is cutting it fine but not out with the realms of possibility. Especially if it’s been talked about with you. You could however be getting an evening invite as they would get sent out nearer the time.
I sent mine out about 8 weeks before I think and didn’t do save the dates as that wasn’t really a thing then. Most people who I was inviting already knew they were coming!

BoredOnMatLeave · 19/02/2018 08:35

Sorry OP, but I don't think your invited either. Which is crap of course.

ShatnersWig · 19/02/2018 08:37

I'm going to two weddings in May. I had a Save the Date card for both of them exactly twelve months and nine months ahead. The invite for the first of the two weddings arrived the first week of January giving almost five months notice.

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