Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was done on purpose by SIL

205 replies

Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 17/02/2018 08:23

Was FILs 60th birthday party last night and SIL had done a photo board and DH had sorted out the music play list. We get to the venue and DHs aunt is looking at the photo board, I hear her say Chocy has been completely missed out, she then turns, sees me and says I think you might be a bit upset.
There are pictures of FIL, MIL, SIL, grandchild and other friends and relatives but not one of me.

There were lots of pictures of mine and DHs wedding but they are all pictures taken with their family and friends during the course of the day that do not have me on, there are even pictures of DH with DS Just after he was born but none with me on.

I have been married to DH for 13 years so been part of the family for a long time.

DH noticed and said he was going to say something but I said to not bother as the party was happening and nothing could be done. He said he was going to have a word today with SIL.

Anyone half way through the party FIL seems to notice and comes over and gives me a hug and says he is sorry and he does not know what SIL was thinking.
My and SIL do have a backgroung, she ran out screaming and crying when we got engaged, tried to get DH to leave it wedding reception to sit outside with her as she was feeling a bit ill. There has been loads of other stuff and I am thinking this has got to have been done on purpose.
DH is going to have strong words but I know she will just say it was a mistake

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 19/02/2018 17:23

There is a two year age gap with her being the eldest.

MIL has always enabled her. SIL did a degree at the other side of the country and had trouble making friends so MIL went to stay with her every weekend in the first year. This ended up with MiL renting a house for SIL in the second and third year and MIL spending most of her time there.
MIL always goes on nights out with SIL and her two friends who also bring their mothers
SIL did have a group of friends at school but apparently they dropped her when after their first night out in town at 17 she called her friends a bunch of slags for the way they dressed and because they flirted with boys.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 19/02/2018 18:10

Oh lord. I feel sorry for any girl that gets within a mile of your DN. She will be the mother in law from the 7th level of hell. I can imagine your DN will run a mile from her when he's older. I really hope that she is rejected for adoption if she finds it appropriate to call women slags.

Butteredparsn1ps · 19/02/2018 19:39

Just read your update. No normal person takes their Mother to uni with them. No no no.

LoniceraJaponica · 19/02/2018 19:51

Wow. It's no wonder she is rubbish at relationships and friendships. She doesn't know how to behave around sane, sensible people. A mother who enables that kind of behaviour is doing her daughter no favours. What will SIL when her mother is no longer around?

SundaysFunday · 19/02/2018 19:53

What a weird mother / daughter dynamic, I wonder if this is why she's so obsessed with having a daughter so she can recreate this with her own child.

Graphista · 19/02/2018 19:55

Wow! That's a whole other level of dysfunctional!!

Ninabean17 · 19/02/2018 20:02

She sounds a bit unhinged..

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 19/02/2018 22:12

That’s what DH has been trying to hammer home, what will she do without her parents if something happens to them. That are both in their 70s now and MIL has been having issues with her joints and also with breaking many bones
SIL will no doubt expect us to step in were her parents left off. I can see us ending up with the kid or kids to be honest, but then again we may not be allowed with my seizures as I know we would have to be assessed. I know I am looking into the future here but........ I can see it happening, I just can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 19/02/2018 22:16

I was once asked by a friend (who is a bit morbid) if I was to split up with DH what I look for different in a man compared to DH.
My answer- a man who is an only child

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/02/2018 22:17

My SIL was a bit like this, we predicted the future with DN and am gutted that reality has been even worse than we thought Sad

I can see your concerns and they're not far fetched are they.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/02/2018 22:26

SIL will no doubt expect us to step in were her parents left off. I can see us ending up with the kid or kids to be honest, but then again we may not be allowed with my seizures as I know we would have to be assessed. I know I am looking into the future here but........ I can see it happening, I just can.

Well she can expect all she likes but you dont actually have to do it. But it sounds like you are resigned to doing it and I wonder why that is?

The only way people like that learn is when you say NO to them and keep saying it over and over again.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/02/2018 22:37

I thought tht it was normal for family to be interviewed...

please please get in touch and let them know your concerns.

I wonder if it's possible that she (and of course MIL, FIL would enable this) has lied to them about having a sibling, as she might suspect that you'd be more honest about the situation than she would like.

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 19/02/2018 22:48

PyongyangKipperbang
I hope to god it does not come to us having to have them and if anything happened to inlaws SIL would be fine. I also hope the inlaws last a long longer. I think it’s human nature to look at the worse case senario and in that senario I can see there being one or two scared children who will have already been through so much who need to be with someone they know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 19/02/2018 22:52

DH is going to get in touch with social services by the way. Turns out his aunt and uncle (the aunt who spoke to me about the picture board) have voiced concerns as well to MIL which went down like a lead balloon. Uncle told FIL he was going to get in touch with social services so DH is going to speak to them first and then make contact himself. I think FIL is relieved we are doing this as he just sighed, told DH about the aunt and uncle and said “you have got to do what you have got to do” and have DH a hug.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/02/2018 22:55

FIL is pretty "wet" isn't he, an enabling bystander SadAngry

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 19/02/2018 23:03

Yep he is. DH says it is down to years of MIL and SIL making his life hell when he disagrees with them. They have a go at him for everything. If I spoke to my dad the way SIL does to hers he would be heartbroken. It’s actually abusive.
DH has tried to get him to leave a couple of times and stay with us while he gets sorted and we would help him with that, but he won’t.

MIL and SIL tell him he is useless and he believes it. FIL knows he can come to us any time

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 19/02/2018 23:04

If it was not for FIL and nephew DH would go none contact with his MIL and sister

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 19/02/2018 23:04

Sorry I meant with his Mum and sister

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 19/02/2018 23:07

DH had not confidence at all when we met, I had to build it up bit by bit, he still has issues now. He left a high teaching post after having a breakdown and now works in an office with admin. MIL and SIL told him they were ashamed.

I am just grateful to have a happy DH again, couldn’t give a shit what he did for a living

OP posts:
FlatToTheMat · 19/02/2018 23:13

This situation could literally be mine except it's a blood relative. This year I finally decided enough was enough and I do not react to anything anymore. If ppl want to enable the behaviour then that's their issue but I wont. Am I coming out badly? Yes of course. Said family member is playing the victim and I look like the cold hearted bitch that's cut contact to a minimum and uses raw home truths and blinding honesty in answer to any bullshit from this person. But I really don't care any more. It's toxic to let someone into your head and heart that is so screwed up and eaten aove by jealousy and hate that they take comfort and joy in trying to hurt and run others down. Do not react. Don't let husband react. That reenforces the behavior because they need a reaction. When you react,they have control. Sorry things are so shitty.

Gabilan · 19/02/2018 23:19

FIL is pretty "wet" isn't he, an enabling bystander

Or just ground down. I think these situations evolve gradually and you normalise something that at the outset you would have known was not normal at all. And for many people in their 70s "til death do you part" means just that. I see it with my parents. My mum enables my dad's alcoholism but it hasn't always been like that, and she has been worn down over the decades.

Pearlsaringer · 19/02/2018 23:23

I really hope your DH knows there is nothing to be ashamed of in quitting teaching for his own well being. The world is full of ex teachers thriving in a different field because they realised it was not for them. Out of interest, what do your MIL and SIL do?

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 20/02/2018 09:11

My MIL is a retired teacher and my SIL is an occupational therpist

OP posts:
PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 20/02/2018 15:45

Bless your poor FIL. Is DH going to call SS today?

Pearlsaringer · 20/02/2018 17:32

They really are an evil pair aren’t they? Thank goodness he has you, OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread