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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was done on purpose by SIL

205 replies

Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 17/02/2018 08:23

Was FILs 60th birthday party last night and SIL had done a photo board and DH had sorted out the music play list. We get to the venue and DHs aunt is looking at the photo board, I hear her say Chocy has been completely missed out, she then turns, sees me and says I think you might be a bit upset.
There are pictures of FIL, MIL, SIL, grandchild and other friends and relatives but not one of me.

There were lots of pictures of mine and DHs wedding but they are all pictures taken with their family and friends during the course of the day that do not have me on, there are even pictures of DH with DS Just after he was born but none with me on.

I have been married to DH for 13 years so been part of the family for a long time.

DH noticed and said he was going to say something but I said to not bother as the party was happening and nothing could be done. He said he was going to have a word today with SIL.

Anyone half way through the party FIL seems to notice and comes over and gives me a hug and says he is sorry and he does not know what SIL was thinking.
My and SIL do have a backgroung, she ran out screaming and crying when we got engaged, tried to get DH to leave it wedding reception to sit outside with her as she was feeling a bit ill. There has been loads of other stuff and I am thinking this has got to have been done on purpose.
DH is going to have strong words but I know she will just say it was a mistake

OP posts:
goose1964 · 18/02/2018 21:17

It was nasty but you got to see how loved you actually are. In a way it rebounded on her as people noticed you weren't in any of the pictures and sought you out.

Curtainfairy · 18/02/2018 21:37

Do you have a lovely photo of just you and FIL? If so, give him a copy in a nice frame to display at home.

snowone · 18/02/2018 22:21

Sounds like your SIL could be mine too!!....bloody pain in the ass! I feel for you Flowers

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 18/02/2018 23:25

We have given pictures before but MIL just puts them in a drawer. Also the meal think would be no good as MIL won’t go if SIL is not going (seriously we have had this before)
DH has been talking to FIL today and the adoption is further on then we thought, she is going to panel next week. Apparently MIL and FIL have paid off a load of her debt so her finances would be ok and SIL has got some long term friends to speak for her (I have met these two friends and they are as awful as she is) and a family friend who would not know how bad SIL was as they don’t live nearby.
We honestly thought we would be contacted with DH being SILs brother, I thought she had just gone to a few meetings. I am a bit surprised at FIL as we seem to have been completely left in the dark.

SILs house is also a shit tip but aparently social services have done all the checks so not sure what happened there.

I feel a bit sick. DH and I are discussing our next moves

OP posts:
pollymere · 18/02/2018 23:50

Enjoy it. Your PIL will now realise that anything your SIL says about you is pure poison. Your fil was obviously embarrassed you were missing. If only my IL would realise this about my SIL.

Abbylee · 19/02/2018 02:37

FlowersWine
I'm sorry. I've been the ostrasized in law for decades. My mil is dying and still hurting my feelings on purpose and playing head games with dh.

Do not give her any satisfaction. Pretend you didn't notice anything.

beingsunny · 19/02/2018 03:18

My ex in laws did this kind of thing all through my 13 years we were together, difference being your family noticed and were upset. That's making her look mean and spiteful so I would ignore it completely Grin

My in laws had a photo book of our wedding made before we had our professional shots delivered they gave one to every member of the extended family and I wasn't in it Confused

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/02/2018 03:26

I freely admit to knowing nothing about the nitty gritty of adoption but if someone was determined that they would only adopt one sex then surely that would flag up as a concern? And if it doesnt then it should.

I agree with PP's that its time to contact your local social services with your concerns, but you know what? With absoluely no evidence whatsoever, I cant help thinking that she may well be lying through her teeth. It seems very dodgy to me so I do wonder if this is more attention seeking stuff and she will never actually adopt because of some convenient reason like there wasnt a child of the right age or whatever for her and then she decided against it.........

Or..... thinking further, this was how she got MIL to pay off her debt for her, when she never had any intention of adopting.

THirdEeye · 19/02/2018 05:04

In regards to referees, Your SIL would have been able to choose the family member and friend that she wanted and obviously chose those that would throw her in a good light —as would anyone to be fair—.

Personally, if you have real concerns —she has a lot of issues.....BPD/Narc?— then I would find out which LA/VA and contact them. This may or may not stop the process, but at least it would be on file IYSWIM.

Also, just because she is approved to adopt there are still a number of hurdles she will have to jump through.

For instance:

  1. impressing a child’s SW upon application and when they do a home visit.
2: a match being approved via a panel 3: at least a month of weekly visits —assessments— by the SW’s 4: final adoption hearing (only after a three month period).

At the end of the day, a child that is to be adopted has suffered abuse etc and has early life trauma (just being taken into care is a trauma in itself). These children have not experienced a secure attachment and have learnt early on (even as a foetus) that adults cannot be relied upon.

From what you’ve written she will palm this child onto her parents at any given opportunity and will no doubt not understand that this will be damaging to this child and will repercussions.

Sar500 · 19/02/2018 05:30

My mil did this to me a few years ago at a family party she hosted for my DH. There was a picture board of all the people in his life but oops! Not a single one of me even though we had been together since the age of 17. All she achieved by doing that was prove to everyone how petty and nasty she could be and it signalled the end of my relationship with her. It was not an isolated incident and in the end I went NC with her (best decision I ever made).

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2018 06:11

Do you think you can contact the adoption agency?

IceBearRocks · 19/02/2018 06:30

We are in "similar" situation but it's a birth child. 2 DC poorly parented by Dsil and her DH....including calling DMil a cunt! By dc8 ....
No photos of our DC or wedding even though we were married and had DC first.

This was because Dmil would do anything for a quiet life. Dsil is schizophrenic.

We have gone NC with Dsil for 4 years now and although we worry about the kids... We b have our own kids to worry about who have never heard the word cunt and we're hoping it will stay that way!

TheGlitterFairy · 19/02/2018 07:33

Goodness - what is with these mad SILs? So many examples also of the same behaviour. Telling me her family is more “superior” than mine; photo book given for DHs birthday that included his exg (from yonks ago); only photos of SIL in PILs house too.....meh - I could go on but it’d take all day. I try and just ignore it all now. Bloody irritating though.

Butteredparsn1ps · 19/02/2018 08:43

Love your DH's response to MIL re the photos. It was perfect!

The adoption process is much more serious though. I say this as someone who experienced an inappropriate adoption at the hands of a mother with psychological issues.

Please do the right thing for any potential vulnerable young children. They really mustn't be adopted by SIL.

MumW · 19/02/2018 08:51

Sorry, haven't time to RTWT but my immediate thoughts are that FIL noticed and gave you a hug so he understands and secondly, could you make him a photo keyring with you on. Maybe you and DH on one side and FIL with DS on the other side. No big fuss, just slip it to him in a quiet monent and then he will always have you with him.

GrannyGrissle · 19/02/2018 09:00

Leave the tragic cow to it. She clearly has designes on her DB Boak

DenPerry · 19/02/2018 09:07

Fucking hell, they are nasty. It's great that you have a lovely husband and FIL is nice, but still awful for you that you have nasty people in your life who you have to be around. Just never look at the board. DH never look at the board. It means nothing. You will always be a happier person than she is. Only bitter, unhappy people set out to hurt people on purpose.

RandomMess · 19/02/2018 09:33

Please get in touch with the social worker, you can express shock that you are surprised she is going ahead as she doesn't look after DN full time...

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 19/02/2018 13:27

Leave the tragic cow to it. She clearly has designes on her DB Boak
My mum and a few other people have said to me that my SIL wants my DH in a sexual way, she always tries to touch him especially in public at a gathering and he always bats her hand away or moves away. She once spent a family meal with both sets of our parents trying to stroke DHs thigh (he moved places after half an hour)

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 19/02/2018 13:38

That’s creepy as fuck! What’s the age difference between them?

MotherOfBeagles · 19/02/2018 14:04

Have just finished the full thread. Nope nope nope. As the eldest sister to two younger brothers this woman's actions seriously disturb me!!!

I am so sorry she acts like this but muchos kudos to you for rising above!!!

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/02/2018 14:05

I wouldnt necessarily take that as her literally wanting to have sex with him, but probably more trying to be the Alpha woman in his life over you. That is often the issue with women like this (have one of my own, there must be a "Batshit Crazy SIL" factory somewhere!), they simply cannot countenance not being top of anyones list. Your crime is that he chose you as his life partner instead of spending his time pandering to her and her whims. She probably has no idea how inappropriate she is being, all she cares about is winning his affection away from you.

RandomMess · 19/02/2018 15:48

Yep she wants to be Alpha female in the family full stop!

Jux · 19/02/2018 16:01

Yes, my brothers and I were always close and I was Alpha Woman. When my elder brother got married I realised I had to take a few steps back so I wasn't' competing with his dw. It would have been so easy not to.

It's not a sexual thing; it's more like "this is my brother" rather than "this is your husband". You have to get a grip and let him be the best husband he can. It's a bit of a shock when you realise what's going on, but not hard to stop being like that once you do realise.

brassbrass · 19/02/2018 16:29

They have no class. It's ok not to like your sibling's partner or understand how they are a couple but surely you can be mature enough to be polite and civilsed for family gatherings? You don't have to be in each other's pockets, anyone can manage hello goodbye small chitchat about neutral topics and leave it at that until the next time you have to interact? If you respect your sibling surely you'd act appropriately and have some self respect to boot?

The fact that they go to such great lengths to cause bad feeling shows how unhinged they are. We are NC with mil and sil for much the same reasons.

I don't mind not being their cup of tea but I can't tolerate classless twattery 😁

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