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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was done on purpose by SIL

205 replies

Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 17/02/2018 08:23

Was FILs 60th birthday party last night and SIL had done a photo board and DH had sorted out the music play list. We get to the venue and DHs aunt is looking at the photo board, I hear her say Chocy has been completely missed out, she then turns, sees me and says I think you might be a bit upset.
There are pictures of FIL, MIL, SIL, grandchild and other friends and relatives but not one of me.

There were lots of pictures of mine and DHs wedding but they are all pictures taken with their family and friends during the course of the day that do not have me on, there are even pictures of DH with DS Just after he was born but none with me on.

I have been married to DH for 13 years so been part of the family for a long time.

DH noticed and said he was going to say something but I said to not bother as the party was happening and nothing could be done. He said he was going to have a word today with SIL.

Anyone half way through the party FIL seems to notice and comes over and gives me a hug and says he is sorry and he does not know what SIL was thinking.
My and SIL do have a backgroung, she ran out screaming and crying when we got engaged, tried to get DH to leave it wedding reception to sit outside with her as she was feeling a bit ill. There has been loads of other stuff and I am thinking this has got to have been done on purpose.
DH is going to have strong words but I know she will just say it was a mistake

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 17/02/2018 09:14

It is pure jealousy on her part, she has only ever had one relationship that lasted two months that her DS resulted from. She is a year older then her brother (my DH) so thinks she should be first to do everything.

MIL totally enables this behaviour and her and FIL practically bring up there grandchild. SIL is currently tring to adopt another child as a single parent and I have a feeling if it goes through it will be a disaster. MIL and FIL have her DS for four days a week including sleep overs and then she spends the other three with them.
When DH asked her why she wants to adopt she actually said “I want a girl because you don’t have one” (I can’t have any more children). She is pure poison.

OP posts:
Billben · 17/02/2018 09:15

she ran out screaming and crying when we got engaged,
😂🤣😂🤣😂

She is seriously unhinged 😀

AjasLipstick · 17/02/2018 09:18

I would have drawn a cartoon of myself looking stunning and a hobbledy old hag-goblin with SIL's hairstyle and stuck it on the board.

Treat her with humour OP....don't be brought down by negative people.

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 17/02/2018 09:19

I am not saying a child would be better off in care then adopted by my SIL as MiL and FIL will step in but they are not getting any younger and she relys on them so much.
We look after our nephew a lot to take some of the pressure off the inlaws which is no hardship but SIL being responsible for a child that will already have gone through so much and need so much support makes me shudder. SIL always put hers needs above nephews and will do the same with an adopted child.

OP posts:
lookingforthedroids · 17/02/2018 09:20

Say nothing. Other relatives have noticed and will talk about it, and it seems like she has shot herself in the foot. It's concrete proof of her nasty attitude towards you, and she can't get out of it now.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 17/02/2018 09:21

You are the daughter In law, were there pics of other non family members? I mean non blood family. Why would this even bother You?

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 17/02/2018 09:22

We would also do all we can to support our new nephew or niece for their sake should the adoption go through.
FIL is totally against it but what SIL wants MIL facilitates

OP posts:
newmum2018385 · 17/02/2018 09:23

I agree it is probably best not to say anything as this would probably piss her off more. Rise above OP. Looks like everyone has noticed so she has made herself look jealous and bitter.

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 17/02/2018 09:25

Wow Whatshallidonowpeople here is me thinking that being married to my DH for over 13 years and being the mother of her nephew would make me part of the family. Yes there were loads of pictures of family on my MILs side (not my FILs blood relatives) and loads of pictures of friends

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 17/02/2018 09:26

“the rest of the family noticed, apologised and think it was a shit thing to do and they seem to really care about you. She has made herself look a total dick, not you.”

This ^^

“So she's just showcased her weird bitter jealousy thing for you....literally showcased it on a notice board at a big family occasion”

And this ^^
By not saying anything or creating a fuss it will show that you are being the bigger person and show her up even more (and piss her off even more).It says far more about her than it does about you, and she clearly lacks social awareness to not think that anyone will notice what a nasty thing she has done. Is SIL the golden child?

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 17/02/2018 09:27

Do you have a DIL or SonIL Whatshallidonowpeople? Are they not part of your family

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 17/02/2018 09:28

Oh yes SIL is the golden child by a long way in MILs eyes. FIL treats both his kids the same

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 17/02/2018 09:29

It probably was deliberate but just possibly down to stupidity.

I got left out of the wedding group photos at my own brother's wedding. By the time I realised I was never going to get called in for any of the photos, everyone was trooping off to the meal. In that case it wasn't deliberate - just an organisational failure.

FlyingElbows · 17/02/2018 09:29

I really wouldn't be going in for anyone having "strong words" because that's exactly the dramatic attention she's looking for. People noticed, they thought it was a crap thing to do, that's enough. If you don't want to be burdened by her behaviour then don't feed it.

JaneEyre70 · 17/02/2018 09:33

She sounds just like my sister. I've found the best reaction is to give absolute nothing back to her - that winds her up more than anything. I imagine being teflon coated so nothing can touch and it just slides right off. It's taken a few years to get there, but now it's easy and I feel so much better for not getting wound up by it. You can't change her behaviour, but you can change your response to it. She sounds an utter joy Hmm. Don't make any comment about the photos, she's waiting for a reaction from you.

jellybeanteaparty · 17/02/2018 09:35

You and DH sound lovely - perhaps you should consider fostering or adopting!

Marylou62 · 17/02/2018 09:35

I am a serious lurker and very rarely post..but..I really hope the adoption SW sees through your SILs application...I know immediate family will be interviewed..will FIL be able to say what he thinks?..Will you?..think about a little girl finding out she was only adopted to rub your noses in it Chocky?..(sorry if I am being dramatic but sounds like your SIL could loose the plot one day and seriously ruin lives..) what about her own DS..?Please go over to the adoption board..there are some amazing people over there who could give you advice..I have a horrible feeling about this..

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/02/2018 09:45

Sounds like she's a total bellend, but since her mother allows and facilitates her in that, nothing will ever change.

Your DH having any kind of words, let alone strong ones, will only result in him getting raked down by his mother as well, no doubt - really pointless unless you plan on going low contact with her and your SIL.

I feel a bit sorry for your FIL but in reality he shouldn't allow this situation to continue - the "anything for a quiet life" defence is really poor and weak IMO.

So other people noticed, everyone knows it's because your SIL has Issues, and everyone was pretty much on your side (apart from MIL and SIL) - count that as a minor win and let it go, because they'll never change. Making a fuss will not achieve anything other than further breach in the family (your DH, not you).

Sorry you have to put up with shit like this though - it's not nice and it's totally unfair, especially on your DS, as he's bound to notice as he gets older. :(

Whatshallidonowpeople · 17/02/2018 09:46

I don't have any in laws nor am i am in law. It wouldn't bother me if I was omited from a pic of my family never mind someone elses

Rudi44 · 17/02/2018 09:46

Maybe get him to say, oh it didn't bother us in the least but I just thought I would let you know that a lot of people noticed and spoke to us and were shocked you had been so petty.

Notinsuredarethey · 17/02/2018 09:48

This sounds like my family.

They don't/won't see they are hurting people.

My sis is the most self involved persons ever, my parents raised her four kids and still put her needs first.

I've removed all photos of me and mine from their house (my kids don't care) gradually erasing us from their lives.

When they can't see their grandson off when he leaves to serve his country because she needs to go shopping they've made their choice.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/02/2018 09:56

I don’t think I’d be able to let her adopt without saying something about it to the relevant agencies anonymously. Dd is friends with some adopted children, I know their parents and I have spoken at length to some foster parents and other adoptive parents. My aunt also used to foster when I was a child and I’ve heard some very difficult stories. Adopting isn’t for the faint hearted or to be approved for the person seeking a new accessory. In this case, a living, breathing girl.

As for the photos. I think you are totally right to say nothing. Your dh, his aunt and your fil sounds lovely. They are the ones, who matter.

sparklyllama · 17/02/2018 09:57

Totally agree with Marylou62

Takeoutyourhen · 17/02/2018 10:04

Notinsuredarethey that sounds horrible.
I agree with you OP with the suspected narcissism. Although it's good that your dad appears to have his head screwed on right. But he is probably between a rock and a hard place for doing anything as his wife and daughter will be like a witches coven!
At least other people know what she is like. There is clearly something unbalanced going on and if you MIL won't hear of it, I'm afraid it won't really change.

icelollycraving · 17/02/2018 10:05

If anyone says anything, it just keeps her nonsense going. She will love the drama.
Just pity her. CN you imagine being that desperate and unhappy if your sibling’s life that you act like a complete brat?