Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was done on purpose by SIL

205 replies

Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 17/02/2018 08:23

Was FILs 60th birthday party last night and SIL had done a photo board and DH had sorted out the music play list. We get to the venue and DHs aunt is looking at the photo board, I hear her say Chocy has been completely missed out, she then turns, sees me and says I think you might be a bit upset.
There are pictures of FIL, MIL, SIL, grandchild and other friends and relatives but not one of me.

There were lots of pictures of mine and DHs wedding but they are all pictures taken with their family and friends during the course of the day that do not have me on, there are even pictures of DH with DS Just after he was born but none with me on.

I have been married to DH for 13 years so been part of the family for a long time.

DH noticed and said he was going to say something but I said to not bother as the party was happening and nothing could be done. He said he was going to have a word today with SIL.

Anyone half way through the party FIL seems to notice and comes over and gives me a hug and says he is sorry and he does not know what SIL was thinking.
My and SIL do have a backgroung, she ran out screaming and crying when we got engaged, tried to get DH to leave it wedding reception to sit outside with her as she was feeling a bit ill. There has been loads of other stuff and I am thinking this has got to have been done on purpose.
DH is going to have strong words but I know she will just say it was a mistake

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 17/02/2018 10:08

I was think the same as Marylou. The adoption process is hard and intrusive. I sit on a panel that ratifies adopters and we really scrutinise the assessment and as a lot of direct and difficult questions. Family are always interviewed as part of the assessment so if you and your DH are interviewed you need to be very honest. It sounds like she wouldn't make it through the process from what you have said so far.

Knittedfairies · 17/02/2018 10:10

It's a difficult one; I can see that not saying anything might be an option but on the other hand maybe your SIL needs someone to give her that 'come to Jesus' moment. At least the rest of the family noticed, but I agree that FIL's stance is weak. Perhaps your DH could tell his sister that he noticed Chocy was absent from the photos; Chocy doesn’t care, but he does.

0lgaDaPolga · 17/02/2018 10:14

Ignore it. She wants you to be upset so don’t rise to it. I wouldn’t even get dh to bring it up as it’s not worth the effort. Reminds me of my Mil who had me photoshopped out of several of my own wedding photos as she wanted ones that were of ‘just her family’ then showed them to me with a malicious look on her face expecting me to be upset Hmm

alotalotalot · 17/02/2018 10:14

If you could stop the adoption then you'd be doing some little child a great service.

Graphista · 17/02/2018 10:18

And the sil also has a ds, anyone else thinking what a fucking nightmare she's gonna be as a mil?!

Certainly sounds like your dh is scapegoat and sil golden child.

I'd keep ignoring on the basis that it's highly likely she'd then escalate and do something that even mil can't deny is batshit! She'll alienate herself from other people as a result too.

Re the adoption I'm no expert but perhaps another poster may be, but I think it's likely you and dh will be interviewed/contacted as part of the pre-adoption checks. This is a deeply unhealthy family for a child to be brought into, I'd be honest with them about how little effort and contact she makes with her biological son. With the example she's been set I can see her repeating the scapegoat/golden child crap if she has 2 dc.

"When they can't see their grandson off when he leaves to serve his country because she needs to go shopping they've made their choice." Sorry you went through that. My sister going shopping and my mum minding her DC was the reason my mother wouldn't come with dd and I when dd was admitted for a medical emergency a couple years ago. (Not the first incidence of this type).

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/02/2018 10:29

We look after our nephew a lot to take some of the pressure off the inlaws

So basically you enable PIL to enable SIL......and still none of them treat you, your dh or even your child with anywhere near the same level of respect and consideration they have for others.
You choose to enable your SIL vile behaviour and shitty/absent parenting and are willing to keep doing this?

Hmm Hmm

BuzzKillington · 17/02/2018 10:30

Just rise above her silliness.

She obviously doesn't like you, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing you even noticed.

Butterymuffin · 17/02/2018 10:30

In addition to what everyone's said already about just ignoring it as she's only made herself look bad, and about being frank in any adoption interviews - I would make sure that for every birthday / Christmas present for your MIL for the next few years, you get her a lovely family photo of you, DH and DS in a frame. You can move on to doing ones of DH's graduation. Tell her how you know she's always after more family photos, ask where they are every time you go round till she has to put them up. I could keep that up for years.

ElsieMc · 17/02/2018 10:35

Christ, I hope they don't entertain her adoption application. Likelihood is that she would be asked to take on an older child and what if that child was not perfect? I have been through the special guardianship process and they tend to try to speak to former partners as well. You have to be open and honest and a few negatives do not count against you.

But I am nc with my mil and I happily agreed to let them speak to her about me. I felt she would have to explain her own awfulness. What she actually said was that I found it hard to cope with a "very large family" which was the negative against me. No, she meant overbearing bullies.

The biggest joke is that my dad had eight siblings so it demonstrated how little she even bothered to get to know me. I didn't bother contradicting it though as it didn't matter to me.

She could avoid you speaking to childrens services because you can (or could) suggest people they can talk to about you. They then pick.

It fills me with horror that such a person could even be considered to bring up a vulnerable little person.

Back to you op, ignore, ignore, ignore. She is a personality type who thrives on drama and ill will. Let her stew in her own bitterness and malice. I am glad her ds has stability with his gps as your fil sounds kind. It has not hurt you op, it has hurt her. Her unkindness has been publicly laid bare.

saladdays66 · 17/02/2018 10:45

Mil and sil are both bonkers and poisonous. How horrible they are! Your poor dh too.

Not much you can do, I don’t think - doesn’t sound like they will listen. I’d detach. See them less. Don’t engage with sil at all. Hope to god she’s not allowed to adopt. Poor kid.

saladdays66 · 17/02/2018 10:47

And yes, if you are interviewed re the adoption process, be very honest about her. She doesn’t deserve a child.

Her comment to you about having a girl is unforgivable.

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 17/02/2018 10:55

We have bits of this nonsense in my family ... they are professionals though so to raise it would make me look batshit. In some photos I was photoshopped fatter (yes really!) and have been badly briefed for parties so we have turned up with the wrong clothes and wrong gift so that sil gets to practise her tinkly laugh. I just try and rise above it and foster the connections with the decent ones in a quieter way rather than the big gatherings. It is rotten though

Gabilan · 17/02/2018 11:12

I don't have any in laws nor am i am in law. It wouldn't bother me if I was omited from a pic of my family never mind someone elses

This wasn't a one off though, but part of a pattern. And it wasn't one photo, it was a collage to celebrate the FIL's 60th and for 13 years the OP has been a part of his life.

IMO, joining a partner's family is an important part of the partnership, if your partner has good relationships with their family. An ex boyfriend of mine was very close with his father, mother and sibling. After I'd been with him about a year, it was his father's 60th birthday. I'd met the family frequently and got on well with them (I thought!). But I was excluded from this birthday celebration because it was "family only". It was one of a series of things that made me realise that this bf was not serious about me but just saw me as another link in a chain. We split up not long afterwards.

The reason we refer to father in law, mother in law etc. etc. is precisely in recognition of the fact that when you marry someone, you become part of another family as well as your own. So I understand why the OP was hurt by this.

Knittedfairies · 17/02/2018 11:26

Olga photoshopping you out of your own wedding photos? Insane.

Do these MILS ever remember they were once DILS?

ReanimatedSGB · 17/02/2018 11:26

I agree with PP saying, ignore the silly bitch. Don't feed the drama llama. Actually, whenever you see her, practice a sweet but patronizing smile, just for her (say to yourself silently something like 'There you are, you mad twat, and don't you look particularly fuckwitted today?')

As to the adoption: she won't get very far. Someone as blatantly petty and selfish and attention-seeking as she sounds will not be able to convince a panel that she would make a good adoptive parent.

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 17/02/2018 11:27

You choose to enable your SIL vile behaviour and shitty/absent parenting and are willing to keep doing this?
We do it for our nephew who would spend all his time with his grandparents with no interaction with other children expect at school. DH takes him to football at the weekend along with our DS again for nephews sake.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/02/2018 11:28

I don't have any in laws nor am i am in law. It wouldn't bother me if I was omited from a pic of my family never mind someone elses

Then you clearly have a very different relationship with them than most people have with theirs.

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 17/02/2018 11:29

We would love to adopt a child as I can’t have any more children but I have epilespy which is not fully controlled so I don’t think we would get approved

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/02/2018 11:31

Tell your husband to say nothing. As a pp said, don't rise to it. It will piss her off even more. Plus nothing can be done to go back in time.

Saying nothing then she just keeps looking like the arsehole

CherryBlossomPink · 17/02/2018 11:34

Sounds like my ex SIL - if my ex didn’t see enough of the family, it was apparently all my fault as I was controlling him. She resented me from day 1 and things never really got any better as I had taken her brother from her.
Rise above

Mischa123 · 17/02/2018 11:37

For the sake of a prospective adoptive child I would be speaking to the social workers who are assessing the family. Also the fact that FIL is not keen should be ringing alarm bells for the social workers

Original poster
Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 17/02/2018 11:40

I have actually asked on the adoption board if they think I would be approved with seizures. We would love another child and to give a child in care a home. Would not give a dam if it was a boy or girl either

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 17/02/2018 11:40

I love that fil noticed and gave you a hug.

Oooeeeerrrrrindeed · 17/02/2018 11:41

Not reacting at the party has already had an affect I imagine as she seems to have been attempting to engineer a drama.
Turn any further conversation into you hoping she's ok. It's probably the stress she's under blah blah.
Calmly avoid anything but surface conversation with or about her.
Give her nothing. Least of all attention.

chocolateorangeowls · 17/02/2018 11:43

She's done it for the drama and the attention. She wants you to be upset/hurt by it so the best way to deal with it is ignore it and pretend it didn't bother you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread