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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I saw a video on his phone

262 replies

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:30

I've name changed for this as it's quite outing I feel.

My DH has had a very hard upbringing. His DM died when he was 21 from alcoholism. His father is a waste of space but that's another issue. DH was with his "first love" let's call her "Sally" through the whole sad episode of his mother's detrioration. They split a year after his mum died. DH met me 4 years later and we've been together nearly 6 years.

We've just moved house for the first time since moving in together years ago. The garage was full of crap so I spent all day yesterday sorting through it and skipping things. Within it all I found an old mobile. I didn't recognise it so I charged it and found that I thought it was DH's mobile from before we were together. DH never talks of his previous life before me and curiousity for the better of me. I was enjoying looking at pics of him when he was younger then came across this video.

In it my DH is drunk, absolutely smashed out of his head and lying on the bed. Sally is filming it. It starts off by her laughing and calling him pathetic etc. She then starts to kick him and amongst other things says "your just like your mother" which she repeatedly says to him.

Now I've watched that I feel sick. I can't stop thinking about it. Sally is still a friend of DH's. When she sees us on a night out or in town she comes over to speak to him, she occasionally texts him. Part of me wants to say what I've seen. Part of me wants to rip her fucking head off. Talk me down here please.

OP posts:

kitkatsky · 16/02/2018 21:32

If it’s on his phone hes likely seem it and chosen not to delete it. Who knows why, but if you raise it with him he’ll see it as a massive privacy invasion

Lifeisabeach09 · 16/02/2018 21:34

I don't blame you for wanting to protect your DH but it's his past. Emphasis on his. Let it go.
(Easier said than done, I'm sure.)

Original poster

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:34

I'm not sure. It would have been the phone he had when he was about 18/19

OP posts:

Foodylicious · 16/02/2018 21:34

No practical suggestions but omfg!
I would want to take her head off too.

Do you think dh is in a strong enough place now to know that you know about This?

He is likely to feel (wrongly) ashamed.

Poor love. Sounds like meeting you was the best thing for him x

Original poster

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:35

I just don't know how I can sit there without saying something next time I see her

OP posts:

Starshine132 · 16/02/2018 21:44

I cant imagine how upsetting that must have been but it's not your place to say anything to her.

It was done to your DH, and yet he continues being friends with her. He's made his choice. I would bring it up with your DH and then let it go.

Original poster

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:47

How do I approach it though? I do t think he will be cross that I've looked omgisold phone but he might be cross that I feel this way about Sally!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:47

Jesus that's full of typos!!

OP posts:

NewYearNewMe18 · 16/02/2018 21:51

Dominatrix ?

It might be his sexual kink.

ProfessorPickles · 16/02/2018 21:53

How strange OP. I can definitely see why you're mad!

What else is happening in the video, what is he doing? Is he conscious or passed out on the bed?

And is she really aggressive with the kicking and her words? I know it's wrong whether she said it angrily or in a more mocking way, it's just I can't quite imagine the tone etc as it's such a horrid thing to even think about never mind say to someone

I think PP is right that you shouldn't really mention it, I can't imagine it'll bring back any positive memories in any sense! Very frustrating for you though

Original poster

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:53

Possibly but he was so drunk, literally paralytic that I doubt he would find much pleasure. Also, in our sexual relationship he is the more dominant, by choice

OP posts:

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 16/02/2018 21:54

I think you need to forget about it and let it go. It’s in the past, can you see any thing good coming out of you raising it now?

ProfessorPickles · 16/02/2018 21:54

I wondered about some sort of kink too, but if he is passed out then surely not! Unless the purpose was to show him afterwards which is why he kept it?

Original poster

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:55

pickles he is barely conscience. She's kicking him hard towards the end and shouting at him, putting the camera right up to his face

OP posts:

Original poster

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:56

Also, it was in the received items section - so she had recorded it on her phone and sent it to him rather than used his phone to record it

OP posts:

Cel982 · 16/02/2018 21:57

It's well in the past, it's not even like it was on a phone that he still carries around with him. Let it go.

Jamiek80 · 16/02/2018 21:57

Sounds like something very personal. Taking into account it’s in a phone that’s around 10 years old and is charged then possibly it’s something he uses to motivate himself to be a better stronger person. Rather than jump in with both feet give him the chance to open up maybe tell him you found his old phone or ask him about his relationship with his ex. Clearly he knows about the video and yet he bears his ex little ill will.

Original poster

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:58

I suppose I just want to ask her to her face why she did that to him.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/02/2018 21:58

Reckinball, it's actually none of your business. Your husband had a life before he knew you and you had no right to charge that old phone. You did it, you have to live with it. You're not protecting your husband, you're just angry that 'Sally' and he had something that he hasn't told you about and that you have no part of now.

I know it's difficult but he is still in contact with her as a friend and again, that's his business as long as he's not overstepping. Why are you so invested in what he did when he was a young man?

I hope you will have the sense to keep quiet. This wasn't for you, it wasn't shared with you and you have grossly invaded your husband's privacy. You obviously have no idea how he would react either but you do know that he's chosen not to share this with you - respect that. Whatever it was is over.

Ollycat · 16/02/2018 21:58

Maybe he had issues with alcohol and this was his wake up call?

Whatever the reason OP you need to let it go.

Original poster

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 22:00

I am going to speak to him about it because I'm going out of my mind wondering about it

OP posts:

MermaidTailUnicornHorn · 16/02/2018 22:01

Wow you have a charger for a phone that’s 14 years old. Convenient.

Original poster

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 22:02

witch even if there was dosmestic violence? Because that's what's going through my head right now

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/02/2018 22:02

It's all about YOU then OP. You're possessive and I hope you don't live to regret it.

I had a life before I met my husband. I don't have to share every aspect of it with him or anybody else. You have that right also, so does your husband... but you're prepared to trample all over his privacy. That's absolutely pathetic.

Cel982 · 16/02/2018 22:02

What Lying said. This is really not your business, as hard as that may be to accept.

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