Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I saw a video on his phone

262 replies

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:30

I've name changed for this as it's quite outing I feel.

My DH has had a very hard upbringing. His DM died when he was 21 from alcoholism. His father is a waste of space but that's another issue. DH was with his "first love" let's call her "Sally" through the whole sad episode of his mother's detrioration. They split a year after his mum died. DH met me 4 years later and we've been together nearly 6 years.

We've just moved house for the first time since moving in together years ago. The garage was full of crap so I spent all day yesterday sorting through it and skipping things. Within it all I found an old mobile. I didn't recognise it so I charged it and found that I thought it was DH's mobile from before we were together. DH never talks of his previous life before me and curiousity for the better of me. I was enjoying looking at pics of him when he was younger then came across this video.

In it my DH is drunk, absolutely smashed out of his head and lying on the bed. Sally is filming it. It starts off by her laughing and calling him pathetic etc. She then starts to kick him and amongst other things says "your just like your mother" which she repeatedly says to him.

Now I've watched that I feel sick. I can't stop thinking about it. Sally is still a friend of DH's. When she sees us on a night out or in town she comes over to speak to him, she occasionally texts him. Part of me wants to say what I've seen. Part of me wants to rip her fucking head off. Talk me down here please.

OP posts:
Terftastic · 16/02/2018 23:10

This is the problem with snooping into someone's past that they haven't shared with you. You then can't mention it, without admitting you've snooped.

I actually think you were BVU to charge the phone and look at his stuff - and I think you would be very foolish indeed to talk about it to him or Sally. It's not your business.

Leave it. Pack the phone back up, or get rid of it. Forget you saw it.

honeyroar · 16/02/2018 23:14

I think you'd be crazy to drag this up! You've snooped through his things and now want to discuss something that's both nothing to do with you and is in the past. It's also humiliating to your oh and he probably wouldn't want you to see it, it won't be something he's proud of! Try and forget it, concentrate on now - and if you see his ex focus on her good points now they're just friends.

meandmytinfoilhat · 16/02/2018 23:17

Delete the video and put the phone away. It will not benefit anyone for you to bring it up.

Voice0fReason · 16/02/2018 23:26

You had absolutely no right to charge the phone up and look through it. It was a disgraceful invasion of privacy.

If you have found something that disturbs you - tough - live with it. Keep your nose out and your mouth shut. Entirely your fault for snooping.

Mathmatical · 16/02/2018 23:27

I think perhaps she did it to show him how he was in danger of sending up like his Mum? Tough love scenario perhaps. Though I can imagine unpleasant to watch.

ProfessorPickles · 16/02/2018 23:31

I really can't believe some of these comments, if OP was a man that found a video of his girlfriend being kicked and screamed at by her ex boyfriend the OP wouldn't be getting hassle for snooping and nobody would agree it was ok for the ex to have anything to do with her life.

Infact, I'd bet many would be suggest taking the video evidence to the police!

ProfessorPickles · 16/02/2018 23:33

I'd agree with the showing the video to make him realise he'll end up like his Mum if it was a video of the state he was in minus the physical and verbal abuse. This is NEVER ok, and come to think of it it isn't relevant at all that it was in the past. The effects of abuse can last a life time for the victim, whether it's sexual, verbal or physical

MyKingdomForBrie · 16/02/2018 23:39

I agree with patodp, they were just kids, she obviously cared about him as they’re still friends and maybe she was just at the end of her tether and didn’t know how to help him.

It would not be in any way beneficial to him to bring this up now so you need to leave well alone. This is his past not yours and needs to be about him not what you want or feel.

Ssssurvey · 16/02/2018 23:43

I understand your concern but if my partner found an old phone of mine and charged it for a nosey, that in itself would really annoy me. I know I have nothing on old phones that I wouldn't want him to see, but I would find it very intrusive and not be impressed.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/02/2018 23:47

Poor man obviously has a tendency to pick spiteful, controlling women, doesn't he?
You went digging into his past without his permission, and now you think you've found a reason to cut one of his oldest friends out of his life, and I bet you are fucking delighted to have found 'proof' that you are a much better person than she is. How many other people in his life have you got rid of? How many other times have you gone digging where you have no business? This isn't going to be the first. it's not the fact that you found the phone, it's the fact that you charged it up and looked through it without saying anything to your H which makes you sound abusive. Abusive people often 'rescue' partners, just so they can feel good about how wonderful they are, and have power over those partners...

WorraLiberty · 16/02/2018 23:49

I think you need to try to separate who this is and look at the video for what it is.

What it is, is two drunks - one who is semi passed out and the other trying to kick him awake.

It's certainly not pleasant and quite why she decided to send him the video is anyone's guess (although to 'prove' he was just like his mother sounds plausible).

Either way, he (and hopefully she) are in a much better place now so you need to let sleeping dogs lie.

SandyY2K · 16/02/2018 23:51

but imagine a man kicking a passed out woman like that and saying those things, I think people would react differently to that.

100% true.

I would have to say something if I saw it. ..to him and Sally.

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/02/2018 23:51

Hi op

Just a thought

He was paralytic with drink, what if for,her it was the last straw

She took the film to,show him how pissed he was, you have no idea of his behaviour during the binge to her or anyone else.

Could she have taken it to prove to him just how bad he gets, and he now keeps,it to remind himself to never go there again?

WorraLiberty · 16/02/2018 23:57

but imagine a man kicking a passed out woman like that and saying those things, I think people would react differently to that.

It would be just as awful and I'd give the OP exactly the same advice.

If she doesn't let sleeping dogs lie and starts 'confronting' them about their past (which has nothing to do with her), who knows what buried things she may bring to the surface?

They've moved on now and her DP is no longer a drunk or a drug taker.

If she's going to lift the lid from the can of worms, she'd better be prepared for the fact he or she may not be able to stop them from escaping.

SirVixofVixHall · 16/02/2018 23:57

I agree with patodp on page 2. Mother killing herself with drink, 19 year old girl with borderline-alcoholic boyfriend trying everything to get him to change before he goes the way of his parent.

SandyY2K · 16/02/2018 23:58

So it seems people think it's okay for Sally to show the OPs DH. ..how drunk he was by kicking him while he was barely concious. That's assault...if a woman was getting slapped around in a drunken state ...there would be no excuse. ..not even to show her how drunk she was.

People would be saying to take the tape to the police. ..Clare's Law etc.

These double standards are unbelievable!

Embarrassingbodies · 16/02/2018 23:58

Honestly you bringing up his past (his mother’s death/traumatic incidents/Sally/alcoholism etc) could be triggering for him. It’s a massive consideration to take - you seem to only care about yourself here. Your curiosity is not important my dear.

Quite frankly if he actually wanted to explore his past with you, he would have already told you more about it. He hasn’t by choice - you need to respect that. You only discovered this weird video by snooping around so it would be completely out of the blue for him. It would definitely get him thinking deeply about his past and what he went though - if he’s doing better and has changed his life around, be respectful of his progress and leave this alone.

The video, by your timeline, is over 10+ years old and was probably filmed on a potato. They were both probably drunk and being dumb, teenage alcoholics egging each other on. She may have just been taking the piss out of him whilst he was paralytic as a one off and nothing sinister. Considering they’re are on ok terms now, they may have actually already cleared the air between them?

Also he wouldn’t he find it weird that you completely combed through all his old texts, photos, everything on his phone? Things he probably forgot existed? I know I would.

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 17/02/2018 00:01

Sandy, if the sexes were reversed, I guarantee I would not be recommending that the OP take the video to the police behind the OP's back. [hmmm] That is such a violation.

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 17/02/2018 00:03

Women don't kill two men a week. Violence towards women is different.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2018 00:06

Sandy it was not OK

But it's not down to anyone else to violate a victim's privacy, confront them with their past and then ride rough shod over their feelings.

If the OP's parter wanted to tell her about the video or about how 'Sally' treated him, that's entirely his call as the victim.

If he wants to leave that in his past, that is also entirely OK and he should never be forced into talking about it.

tumblrpigeon · 17/02/2018 00:08

Absolutely none of your business.
Your lack of boundaries and lack of self awareness is astounding.

FairiesVsPixies · 17/02/2018 00:21

I agree with the majority, leave it well alone. Oh, and ignore the pp's who said to erase the video and dump the phone - don't do this, it doesn't belong to you!!

Ssssurvey · 17/02/2018 00:21

Agree with posts that a victim of abuse should have the control on when or whether they confront it. It sounds like he met you and stayed with you because of the stabilisation you provided. I think it could possibly be humiliating to raise this now. If he were in crisis then that would be different.

FlyingElbows · 17/02/2018 00:22

What on earth is possibly to be gained by confronting your oh with something that happened a lifetime ago? It's got nothing to do with you and you're inventing justifications for your own behaviour. He's not the same man now. It's not the same relationship. They've moved on. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Ssssurvey · 17/02/2018 00:23

I would give same advice regardless of sex/gender