I saw a video on his phone

[Reckinball]

I've name changed for this as it's quite outing I feel.

My DH has had a very hard upbringing. His DM died when he was 21 from alcoholism. His father is a waste of space but that's another issue. DH was with his "first love" let's call her "Sally" through the whole sad episode of his mother's detrioration. They split a year after his mum died. DH met me 4 years later and we've been together nearly 6 years.

We've just moved house for the first time since moving in together years ago. The garage was full of crap so I spent all day yesterday sorting through it and skipping things. Within it all I found an old mobile. I didn't recognise it so I charged it and found that I thought it was DH's mobile from before we were together. DH never talks of his previous life before me and curiousity for the better of me. I was enjoying looking at pics of him when he was younger then came across this video.

In it my DH is drunk, absolutely smashed out of his head and lying on the bed. Sally is filming it. It starts off by her laughing and calling him pathetic etc. She then starts to kick him and amongst other things says "your just like your mother" which she repeatedly says to him.

Now I've watched that I feel sick. I can't stop thinking about it. Sally is still a friend of DH's. When she sees us on a night out or in town she comes over to speak to him, she occasionally texts him. Part of me wants to say what I've seen. Part of me wants to rip her fucking head off. Talk me down here please.

Tootired says it better than me.

I’m utterly shocked at Sally’s behaviour but also at yours OP.

I’ve been married 28 years, Dh has only just told me of an abusive incedent which happened when he was 10, 42 years ago.

He didn’t want to tell anyone and that was his right. You’ve just forced your H to discuss something he didn’t want to talk about. To YOU or anyone else, even his counsellor!

But you’ve forced him into this. Your behaviour is disgraceful and you should be absolutely ashamed of it.

As another poster said....

You violated your DH's privacy.
Sally violated your DH'S dignity.

For god sake......if you are all correct guess what your antagonising an abuser. Making them angry who do you think would feel the brunt of that.
Not you keyboard warriors thats for sure. You are not talking to her DH.

There is nothing for him to gain by you being antagonistic and telling her what an awful person she is...cant anybody see that!!!

AnyFucker didn't say that, tootired, you've mixed posters up there.

Op you did nothing wrong.

I’d find it very difficult to act normally with Sally from now on. I’d like to think I’d be the bigger person but I suspect a hissed “I know what you used to do to my husband you vicious fucking bitch” would slip out at some point.

UnmitigatedBollocks, It IS wrong what the OP did. She took away her husband's agency in keeping his past private. He wanted to keep it private and she decided that she wanted to 'snoop' as she said herself.

Whatever you say about Sally, at the time - she was HIS partner and she isnt' answerable to anybody but him, at any time. The OP's role in this is pretty irrelevant and maybe that's where the rub is for her. This was all way before.

You could hiss at Sally if you wanted to; she might hiss back at you (and rightly so). OP's husband didn't need to continue his friendship with Sally and chooses to do so. That's his prerogative and to attack his friend might be a tactical error in combination with having his privacy violated.

OP did what she did, she has to own that. As pp said, she violated his privacy. Sally violated his dignity - and she has to own that. The only person who gets to decide what happens now is the husband.

Sorry Anyfucker my mistake.

I wasn't going to write this, as I think OP is one of those "always right" people in life, but I'm due a NC so fuck it.

Many women who have been victims of DV keep a diary. I kept a diary, and when things escalated I took pictures of myself, my injuries (was a camera back then though, not a phone) and wrote quotes on the back of them.
At first I took them to show my XP what he'd done, so he would remember what he did and hopefully feel guilty enough to not do it again, but when that didn't work, I took them for me. I also asked to keep the staples out of one injury too. I did this in my confusion to try and make me find the drive to leave, as I had none- I was drained but still deeply in love, a mess, and knew that leaving would no longer be a priority once the bruises healed and XP was being kind to me again.
This was a lot of years ago, I was very young and blinded, and is a long distant part of my past. I'm not the same person, and I would be absolutely devastated if these were seen. Horrified. I have 3DC now, and while OH of 14yrs knows I was a victim of DV, he does not need to read what I went through in my own words, or see the proof of my pain to appease his own "curiosity" . I would feel utterly fucking violated if he did.

How would any of pp's feel, if they had dealt with something traumatic from their past, then had their most private thoughts and traumas resurface without their consent??

Your poor DH has all my sympathy from leaving Sally, and ending up with a woman who won't even allow him his privacy regarding his vulnerable past. You've taken his dignity again.

Maybe DH kept that horrible video to remind him never to go back to that abuse, or kept it to show how far he has come when he's feeling weak?
How dare you violate an abuse victim's privacy because "curiosity got the better of me".

Agree with that entirely, NotASingleFuckToGive, it's quite a sick thing to do really, put your own curiosity/pleasure at knowing private things, before the feelings of the person you're supposed to love.

The OP is puffed up with her own sense of self-righteous, self-validated certainty, that she was entitled to do anything she wants regarding her husband like some sort of proprietorial 'badge' of ownership.

To me, it's abuse, clear and unadulterated abuse - of another person's privacy - stripping that away from them. It's sickening.

What OP doesn't know is that she will have changed things in her relationship with her husband. He can no longer be certain that he has the right to privacy. That's a fairly fundamental blow to any marriage. But, OP is in charge of him. So that's nice.

@NotASingleFuckToGive very good point. Hope OP hasn't flounced off entirely as I think she needs to see it.

Of course DH was 'ok' with OP seeing the video. He probably daren't be anything else but ok with it!