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AIBU?

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Original poster

I saw a video on his phone

262 replies

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:30

I've name changed for this as it's quite outing I feel.

My DH has had a very hard upbringing. His DM died when he was 21 from alcoholism. His father is a waste of space but that's another issue. DH was with his "first love" let's call her "Sally" through the whole sad episode of his mother's detrioration. They split a year after his mum died. DH met me 4 years later and we've been together nearly 6 years.

We've just moved house for the first time since moving in together years ago. The garage was full of crap so I spent all day yesterday sorting through it and skipping things. Within it all I found an old mobile. I didn't recognise it so I charged it and found that I thought it was DH's mobile from before we were together. DH never talks of his previous life before me and curiousity for the better of me. I was enjoying looking at pics of him when he was younger then came across this video.

In it my DH is drunk, absolutely smashed out of his head and lying on the bed. Sally is filming it. It starts off by her laughing and calling him pathetic etc. She then starts to kick him and amongst other things says "your just like your mother" which she repeatedly says to him.

Now I've watched that I feel sick. I can't stop thinking about it. Sally is still a friend of DH's. When she sees us on a night out or in town she comes over to speak to him, she occasionally texts him. Part of me wants to say what I've seen. Part of me wants to rip her fucking head off. Talk me down here please.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 16/02/2018 22:36

If it was a pattern of abuse or malicious then I doubt she'd send it to him, I doubt he'd keep it, and I doubt they'd still be friends!

Original poster
Reckinball · 16/02/2018 22:36

I know. It's just so hard to think how far he has come. He really was an awful mess when I met him. The only thing he has ever told me is that Sally never helped his past because she was always drunk too and it wa sa vicious circle. He's never mentioned any violence or anything and he's such a kind gentle man that I can't believe that there was any violence from him. I suppose I just feel hurt that he was treated that way by her. Believe me I've had some bad times with him when he's relapsed but I would never have humiliated him by kicking and shouting those things at him

OP posts:
adayatthebeach · 16/02/2018 22:36

What do you want to hear that you don’t already know? I don’t get why you can’t just leave it alone. Confused put yourself in his place wouldn’t you want it to never be known or discussed?

Inthebluemoon · 16/02/2018 22:37

I don't understand why he's still Friends with her. She sounds horrible.

ADishBestEatenCold · 16/02/2018 22:37

"pickles he is barely conscience. She's kicking him hard towards the end and shouting at him, putting the camera right up to his face"

"Also, it was in the received items section - so she had recorded it on her phone and sent it to him rather than used his phone to record it"

Could it be that he was going through a period of time where he was on a downward spiral, and his behavior was starting to echo that of his mother?
Could it be that Sally was trying to make him see his behavior through her eyes and trying to shock him into recognising and dealing with his downward spiral?
Could she have been trying to save him, not harm him?

KC225 · 16/02/2018 22:41

Its natural to want to protect and heal the wounds of those we love but this is not one of those occasions. Without his permission, you have charged an old phone and gone through it. I would be incandescent with rage if my DH did that to me.

Your language is very possessive you talk of Kate being his first love. Are you jealous of her, of the time he spent with her, of the life he won't share with you. I think the other posters have a point you do seem to be taking it personally.

Do not tell him you have seen it. If you must, let the phone run out of battery and hand it to him with a bunch of other stuff and ask him to go through it all before you bin it. But nor can you approach her about this. This was a video from THEIR relationship and he has chosen not to share it (yet) you have to respect his privacy.

There is never an excuse for violence but if she was an 18/19 watching someone they love on the brink of alcoholism maybe she thought this would be a shock tactic.

You have to try and unsee what you have seen.

Petalflowers · 16/02/2018 22:41

So you found an old phone in an old box, with old photos on. You may not like what you saw, but it's part of his past life.

Don't mention it.

Original poster
Reckinball · 16/02/2018 22:41

I suppose what's eating away at me is why he is still friends with her after what I had seen on that video and whether it was like PP said - a one off incident to shock him or a prolonged period of abuse. If it was a prolonged period their friendship makes me uncomfortable.

As pickles rightly said - is there was a video of a woman being kicked and abused then I wonder if it would be seen differently? Would people think that the man kicking her was trying to save her?

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 16/02/2018 22:42

Maybe he kept it as a reminder of what he didn't want to turn into long term - an alcoholic like his mother. Perhaps any time he thought of taking a drink in later years he remembered that video and it stopped him from taking that next drink.

As for what I'd do - nothing. If he's forgotten about it, it might be embarrassing for him and/or rake up bad memories. If he does still remember it, he'd probably be mortified that you (or anyone else) has seen it.

CabbagePatch91 · 16/02/2018 22:42

Hope you're OK, Reckinball. You love your DH and that must have been difficult to watch. Just do whatever you feel Flowers

PrincessMargaret · 16/02/2018 22:43

Leave it. If he wanted you to know about it he would have told you. You don't own his life before you were together.

Boulshired · 16/02/2018 22:44

He has probably in his own ways come to terms with his past, unfortunately in his present you have violated his privacy he may actually find this much more upsetting. I know I would.

Hotdoggity · 16/02/2018 22:44

They might still be friends because
he has inside knowledge. He knows the context. You don’t. And of this was his lifetime low, he’d be mortified to know you’d seen it.

Chattette1 · 16/02/2018 22:45

Just tell the truth and get it all out in the open. He won't be angry for long and you can't play nice with Sally after seeing that.

Hotdoggity · 16/02/2018 22:45

Sorry that sounded harsh. It must have been a horrible thing to discover and I can understand why you’d be livid.

MistyMinge · 16/02/2018 22:48

In all honesty, get rid of the phone and forget you ever saw it. It was a long time ago and they were both very young. Maybe he was being a drunken arse and she felt he was on the verge of turning into an alcoholic. We say and do silly things in anger, and in youth. Don't hold it against her. Judge her on how you find her now, not on a snapshot in time back then.

Your DH obviously bares her no grudges.

humblesims · 16/02/2018 22:49

They were both young. They were both problem drinkers. He has come a long way in recovery and left his past behind him. Maybe she has too? Maybe the fact that they are both in a better place now is a reason they are still friends. You have helped him to get to where he is now and he sounds like he appreciates that. Leave the past where it belongs.

Isadora2007 · 16/02/2018 22:52

Could you just say you came across this phone today and lay it out? That way he can react as he wants to- either chuck it, or suggest looking at it or whatever.
It’s a difficult one as that program on tv about the paedo football coach guy stated that many of his victims denied any assault or abuse and in fact that men who have been abused or assaulted often don’t admit to it until they are in their 40s. So it isn’t as simple as “he hasnt said anything so he wasn’t abused” in fact he may be in denial still and maybe stays in contact with “sally” to “prove” to himself that the abuse didn’t happen. Even though it did- if that was a Snapshot of how she treated him.
Poor guy. And poor you OP too.

Original poster
Reckinball · 16/02/2018 22:53

humble she still is a problem drinker unfortunately. Her previous relationship has not long ended because of her issue with getting drunk

OP posts:
Millotte1217 · 16/02/2018 22:59

I would bring it up. 100%! How can you relax knowing this? Just tell him the truth, that you didn’t know it was his phone and checked it out & were upset by what you seen. Ask him if he wants to talk about it or not?
If he chooses to be friends with this horrible woman then that’s his choice, you don’t have to be her friend :)
Good luck!

Deshasafraisy · 16/02/2018 23:01

If he’s come so far and done so well with his recovery, is confronting him with the past that he has left behind going to be good for him?

AcrossthePond55 · 16/02/2018 23:01

I'm with most others. Leave it be. It's his past, not yours and he has obviously put his former relationship with her 'where it belongs ' in his mind. You have no right to disturb it. You would be extremely selfish to do so.

You can think whatever you like about Sally. Hate her all you want. But it will serve no purpose to confront her for something that has nothing to do with you. It may very well be that this video was the start of his 'wake up call'. It may serve as a reminder to him of what he does NOT want to go back to. Or it may be something that he has absolutely no memory of. Either way, why drag it up now?

My brother is a recovering alcoholic. I would no more bring up something from his past than I would kick a puppy. Even if it was something like this. He (and your DH) need to look forward not backward.

Put the phone back and shut your mouth. Sometimes the best thing we can do for a loved one is nothing. This is one of those times.

SugarWay · 16/02/2018 23:02

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe speaks good sense. Somehow you need to never mention what you have seen.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 16/02/2018 23:06

It must be shocking and you clearly want to talk about it. But honestly, it’s his past and you may humiliate him by bringing it up. It’s hard, but try to forget it. Don’t let it ruin your relationship, much easier said than done though. I know something about my partners past (he had no choice in telling me) I know he is humiliated by it and I’d rather have not known. It makes no difference to who he is now and I hate that I know. Personal things should be left that way unless the person it happened to wants to talk about it.

Idontevencareanymore · 16/02/2018 23:08

It sounds to me like you want a reason to cut "sally" from his life. And this video that's nothing to do with you, not even something you have any right looking at, is the perfect excuse because you don't like what you've seen

You don't know the context, you don't really know the history besides what you've been told.
Leave it. And respect your partners privacy. They're friends. Get over it.

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