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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I saw a video on his phone

262 replies

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:30

I've name changed for this as it's quite outing I feel.

My DH has had a very hard upbringing. His DM died when he was 21 from alcoholism. His father is a waste of space but that's another issue. DH was with his "first love" let's call her "Sally" through the whole sad episode of his mother's detrioration. They split a year after his mum died. DH met me 4 years later and we've been together nearly 6 years.

We've just moved house for the first time since moving in together years ago. The garage was full of crap so I spent all day yesterday sorting through it and skipping things. Within it all I found an old mobile. I didn't recognise it so I charged it and found that I thought it was DH's mobile from before we were together. DH never talks of his previous life before me and curiousity for the better of me. I was enjoying looking at pics of him when he was younger then came across this video.

In it my DH is drunk, absolutely smashed out of his head and lying on the bed. Sally is filming it. It starts off by her laughing and calling him pathetic etc. She then starts to kick him and amongst other things says "your just like your mother" which she repeatedly says to him.

Now I've watched that I feel sick. I can't stop thinking about it. Sally is still a friend of DH's. When she sees us on a night out or in town she comes over to speak to him, she occasionally texts him. Part of me wants to say what I've seen. Part of me wants to rip her fucking head off. Talk me down here please.

OP posts:
CapnHaddock · 18/02/2018 00:31

It's horrifying because I choose what I share with other people. And I respect the confidences of my friends. A person who tramples over my boundaries and has no respect for my privacy is not someone I want in my home, let alone anything more.

It's massively childish and insecure to demand that level of intrusion into someone's life.

pollythedolly · 18/02/2018 00:35

She didn't trample over his boundaries. The phone in a box plus charger was in their marital home. He knew what was on it. He left it there. He knew it was there. By what the OP said, seems nonplussed she's found it and has discussed it openly.

pollythedolly · 18/02/2018 00:41

I did call her selfish because she sounded selfish - she was talking an awful lot about her and not her husband. *

And you know what, you to have to make it about you in this instance because no one else will and if you make it all about then you'll get sucked into the dysfunctional crap that fucked them up in the first instance.

Terftastic · 18/02/2018 00:42

What - so anything I have in my house is fair game for my DH to sift through? I don't think so!

I have boxes of old letters, stuff of my Dad's, that DH would never dream of nosing through. It's called respect.

pollythedolly · 18/02/2018 00:47

Yes and I have stuff in our house my DH wouldn't sift through. I've told him what's there though, pictures of my ex DH with the DCs, my stuff from my old house. He doesn't needs to know more than that. He respects it too. However, my old life is not that same as his and he's hasn't endured a millionth what I have.

You're talking from a normal perspective. It is so different when someone comes from an abusive past.

Terftastic · 18/02/2018 00:50

Come on, OP knew she was snooping. She knew it was her DH's old phone - she says "curiosity got the better of me". That's having a good snoop through stuff from her DH's past (that she acknowledges in her OP her DH never talks to her about). If that's not overstepping the boundaries, I don't know what is.

pollythedolly · 18/02/2018 00:55

Oh ffs! She's hasn't said but I guess her life has been pretty difficult but she loves this man. You are all talking from a normal life perspective and believe me, until 4 years ago I would've been exactly the same as you. You live with an abused person....and stick with them you'll think different. They hide stuff, they're ashamed, they have no self worth.

KeepHimJolene · 18/02/2018 00:58

And it's also not true that you have no secrets in your marriage.

I bet you haven't told DH his private secret past uncovered by you in a sneaky underhand manner is now all over MN ;-)

Terftastic · 18/02/2018 01:01

polly - that would be even more reason to respect boundaries, IMO.

pollythedolly · 18/02/2018 01:04

I bet you haven't told DH his private secret past uncovered by you in a sneaky underhand manner is now all over MN ;-)*

Smile is that directed at me. He's on this thread with me. We've come a long way and had a lot of horrible times. He's lovely and worth it. Someone had to do it 😂

pollythedolly · 18/02/2018 01:07

polly - that would be even more reason to respect boundaries, IMO.

I do. I'm very careful but you do have to push sometimes. Abused people need guidance and of course, love. Think of all those who post on MN who are totally in the fog and can't see it until they get guidance on here.

AskBasil · 18/02/2018 16:10

Do you really think no one here is unaware of the dynamics of abuse? Lots of people here have only too close an acquaintance with it and still think people who are abused should be in control of how they deal with it.

shinysinkredemption · 18/02/2018 19:28

I don't think the majority of replies on this thread represents what the majority of 'people in the street' would think about this situation. Why this might be I haven't the foggiest. MN is weird.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 18/02/2018 19:53

You are all talking from a normal life perspective and believe me, until 4 years ago I would've been exactly the same as you. You live with an abused person....and stick with them you'll think different. They hide stuff, they're ashamed, they have no self worth.

So victims of abuse have less right to privacy regarding their past than 'normal' people?? If a damaged or abused person hasn't shared something private with you, then you're allowed to go rooting for it. Okay then.

pollythedolly · 18/02/2018 20:13

So victims of abuse have less right to privacy regarding their past than 'normal' people?? If a damaged or abused person hasn't shared something private with you, then you're allowed to go rooting for it. Okay then.*

Of course they don't have less rights. And we are normal people....I think. What's normal, anyway.

Sallystyle · 18/02/2018 20:50

You are all talking from a normal life perspective and believe me, until 4 years ago I would've been exactly the same as you. You live with an abused person....and stick with them you'll think different. They hide stuff, they're ashamed, they have no self worth.

Which is why it is especially disgusting to go through their private stuff.

It is especially important for people with low self-worth and a history of abuse to know that the person they love will respect their privacy. It is extremely worrying that you think the fact that he was abused means he has less right to privacy.

I am married to a man who has had a very difficult life and very little self-esteem. If he doesn't tell me something himself that is because he doesn't want me to know. He has every right to his own privacy and his own past and I wouldn't dream of going through his private things.

There is no excuse for what the OP did, none at all. She does not come across well at all and it seems to me that she think she has a right to go through his stuff and bring it up because she 'has put up with so much'.

The OP says they have nothing to hide and clearly he did, didn't he? Which is normal, plenty of people have things from their past that they prefer to keep to themselves. Dragging it out of him was shitty and she had no right. If he wanted the OP to know he would have told her.

iBiscuit · 18/02/2018 21:51

I find the attitude that one should rifle through the personal history of someone you believe you have "saved" pretty dysfunctional, and downright disturbing tbh.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 18/02/2018 21:55

The OP says they have nothing to hide and clearly he did, didn't he? Which is normal, plenty of people have things from their past that they prefer to keep to themselves. Dragging it out of him was shitty and she had no right. If he wanted the OP to know he would have told her.

This.

If you say "we have no secrets from each other" and then find something shocking like this, then clearly you do. And isn't snooping OP's allowed that privacy if he chooses it?
Poor bloke, I'm not sure which DP is worse tbh.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 18/02/2018 21:57

*Snooping OP's victim DH I meant.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 18/02/2018 22:06

She'll be back on because her DP will dump her for snooping.

What an absolute headcase OP is to go rifling through his old phone and think he'll be ok with it.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 18/02/2018 22:25

She'll be back on because her DP will dump her for snooping.

If he has any sense he's gone already. Poor sod.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/02/2018 00:03

I hope he has either gone or is making plans to go. People like OP are immensely destructive and toxic, because they are Always Right and will hurt friends, partners and family members horribly to shore up their image of themselves as the One Who Knows Best when they haven't actually got a fucking clue. They have no respect for other people's privacy and no understanding that a partner is a seperate individual, not property.

tootiredtospeak · 19/02/2018 07:58

Your a fucking idiot to compare a person filming themselves kicking someone and calling them names. To charging a phone viewing a video and then being upset and feeling they had to admit to seeing it.
One is a crime one is not. Dont know which DP is worse to be honest....Anyfucker you win the award for the meanest post. Reanimated seriously stop projecting!

pollythedolly · 19/02/2018 07:59

*Which is why it is especially disgusting to go through their private stuff.

It is especially important for people with low self-worth and a history of abuse to know that the person they love will respect their privacy. It is extremely worrying that you think the fact that he was abused means he has less right to privacy.

I am married to a man who has had a very difficult life and very little self-esteem. If he doesn't tell me something himself that is because he doesn't want me to know. He has every right to his own privacy and his own past and I wouldn't dream of going through his private things. *

Me neither! I'm the same actually and I know there's lots my DH hasn't told me and lots he has. But I do get why the OP did look.

There's an old phone in our spare room. Isn't mine. I don't want to look for the reasons OP did if you see what I mean.

IceBearRocks · 19/02/2018 08:14

Exactly what TrashPanda said!!!!

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