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Original poster

I saw a video on his phone

262 replies

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:30

I've name changed for this as it's quite outing I feel.

My DH has had a very hard upbringing. His DM died when he was 21 from alcoholism. His father is a waste of space but that's another issue. DH was with his "first love" let's call her "Sally" through the whole sad episode of his mother's detrioration. They split a year after his mum died. DH met me 4 years later and we've been together nearly 6 years.

We've just moved house for the first time since moving in together years ago. The garage was full of crap so I spent all day yesterday sorting through it and skipping things. Within it all I found an old mobile. I didn't recognise it so I charged it and found that I thought it was DH's mobile from before we were together. DH never talks of his previous life before me and curiousity for the better of me. I was enjoying looking at pics of him when he was younger then came across this video.

In it my DH is drunk, absolutely smashed out of his head and lying on the bed. Sally is filming it. It starts off by her laughing and calling him pathetic etc. She then starts to kick him and amongst other things says "your just like your mother" which she repeatedly says to him.

Now I've watched that I feel sick. I can't stop thinking about it. Sally is still a friend of DH's. When she sees us on a night out or in town she comes over to speak to him, she occasionally texts him. Part of me wants to say what I've seen. Part of me wants to rip her fucking head off. Talk me down here please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reckinball · 16/02/2018 22:02

Mermaid - the charger was in the box with the old mobile!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/02/2018 22:05

It isn't happening NOW though is it? They occasionally text.

You're making this all about you when it's nothing to do with you. What do you not understand about that? This situation is old, it's over - and your husband didn't share it with you because he didn't want to - either it wasn't an issue for him anymore or it's a deeply private memory.

Either way - it doesn't impact you, does it? It clearly doesn't bother him anymore so why must you dredge it up? Are you really insecure or something?

Original poster
Reckinball · 16/02/2018 22:06

No it's not about me - thats the point. My DH has had a hard recovery and I've been there with him every step of the way. When he met me he was on the verge of being an alcoholic and was on various drugs. He is now totally clean and it's been incredibly hard. He says he would be dead if it wasn't for me. It hurts me so much to see him like that In that video - being kicked to shit. This is not about me

OP posts:
DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 16/02/2018 22:08

This is not about you.

What will HE gain from you bringing this up and what will that do to your relationship

AskBasil · 16/02/2018 22:08

I agree with Lyingwitch, you've actually got no right whatsoever to speak to your DH about this.

He hasn't shared this experience with you and he may not want to. You have no right to force him to discuss it with you or go back to it himself, when he may not be ready to, just because you feel bad about what happened to him. This experience isn't about you. Why are you making it about you, you sound incredibly selfish tbh. I'm horrified that anyone can think this is an acceptable attitude to have tbh.

Hotdoggity · 16/02/2018 22:09

Devil’s advocate but it sounds like something she may have been used to - him getting off his face - so videod it to show him when sober, perhaps to show him that he has/ had a problem? Horrible to kick him. Obviously it has turned quite abusive and not excusing her, but could she have been at the end of her tether with some suffering from alcoholism?

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 16/02/2018 22:09

Maybe Sally was generally abusive. Or. Maybe Sally was a young woman watching her boyfriend go down the same road his mother was going down, and she dealt with it in a very poor way. You don't know. You do know that whatever happened, she was upfront about it and sent him the video.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/02/2018 22:10

You're an adult, you don't need to blurt out every thought that's in your head. Your husband doesn't need you to protect him from his friend; if he were in any way bothered about this, they would not be friends now, would they?

I also hope you're not stupid enough to speak to Sally about it because if I were her and you approached me about this in the temper you currently find yourself, I would give you very short shrift.

If you are wise you will not put yourself in that position. You don't need 'talking down' for goodness sakes, you need to put this in perspective, consign it to your husband's past that you are not privy to, and leave it well alone - for your sake as much as his.

Desperatelyseekingsun · 16/02/2018 22:13

It sounds really unpleasant for you to watch, maybe though as hotdog says this was a person totally frustrated and pushed past their limits watching someone they loved destroying themselves in the same way as their parent did? It doesn't make the kicking right but I would guess the recording was so he could see what he became when drunk.

caringcarer · 16/02/2018 22:16

At the moment your relationships sounds good. If you bring this up it may have a very detrimental affect on your relationship and then you can never go back. If you do this you will be allowing Sally to screw up your relationship. Delete the video from old phone then throw the old phone away and pretend you never found it.

Patodp · 16/02/2018 22:18

So they were both 18-19 at the time, he was paralytic drunk, you said he was on the verge of being an alcoholic, he probably was on the road to being "just like his mother".
She was probably furious about that and cared about him a lot.
She was trying to snap him out if it.
18-19 yr olds aren't really known for sensitive handling of difficult alcoholics.

Don't talk about it.

sexyegg · 16/02/2018 22:21

You need to get over this. He wasn't your man to worry about way back then. Why would you consider bringing up his past demons? This will only hurt him.

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 16/02/2018 22:21

Delete the video from old phone then throw the old phone away and pretend you never found it.

FGS. No. Op should put it back where she fucking found it. It was carefully boxed, with its charger. He wants to keep it, and the OP has no business having a nose and then throwing it away.

ObscuredbyFog · 16/02/2018 22:21

It's from the past. its location shows he's not looked at it in years.
Put it back in its box and let it run out of charge, then put it somewhere like the attic in your new home alongside stuff you won't use but don't want to part with.

Don't ever mention it. It's a single snapshot of a few minutes of his life before you met him.

You cannot drag that into the present without putting his recovery back years and then destroying a friendship as well.
He's clean and he has a lot to look forward to, don't ruin that by dragging this old thing into now. Leave it in the past where it belongs.

sexyegg · 16/02/2018 22:22

Oh, and you majorly violated his trust by snooping around his old phone. Have you no shame?

64BooLane · 16/02/2018 22:22

I agree with LyingWitch and AskBasil 100 per cent. You sound like you want to bring this up with him for your own peace of mind, when doing so can only disrupt his.

If you do this, IMO you’re being alarmingly selfish, no matter what you tell yourself. I really hope for your dh’s sake that you won’t make it A Thing.

Loonoon · 16/02/2018 22:25

If he wanted you to know about this he would have told you. It was intrusive of you to look at his phone without his knowledge or permission, let alone watch whole videos. If you tell him you've seen it, let alone express an opinion or talk to Sally you risk humiliating him, alienating him and destroying your relationship. He has worked hard to leave his past behind and become a better man. Don't risk damaging that or his trust in you.

You have opened a Pandora's box here. It will be hard to do but IMO you have to stay quiet.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/02/2018 22:26

Look Reckinball, the reality is that there could be any number of reasons why this video was recorded. If you can try to separate your gut reaction of what you saw from actual real life, what you know to be true now, then it's not as 'bad' as you fear it to be.

They're still friends; they wouldn't be if there was anything untoward and this is actually a long-standing friendship, it has value for your husband and for Sally. She speaks to you when you see her out and about. There's nothing in your posts that suggests a) that she's abusing your husband or b) that she's any kind of thread to your marriage.

I understand the visceral reaction; "He's MINE". You feel wrong-footed because you helped him recover when you met him and you feel somehow diminished because there was 'stuff' that predates you, that you have no part of, a memory for them both that has nothing to do with you. It's tough but that's what happens.

He values you and what you have. You don't know how he would respond to this really, do you? He may react with shame? Embarrassment? Shock? Disgust? Ambivalence? You just don't know.

I value my privacy very much and, if I put myself in your husband's position, you would have damaged my trust in you to have looked at my private and very old phone. I urge you not to do it. You can't un-ring that bell and if it all goes 'wrong' then a 'sorry' will not cut it.

Please don't. Just put this behind you. Your husband is ok now and he's with you so from that point that you got together, you know and are involved in everything about his life.

I won't keep posting the same thing as I don't want you to think that I'm getting at you. I'm really not - I'm just suggesting that you keep quiet about what you've seen because it wasn't intended for your viewing.

allinclusive · 16/02/2018 22:27

I would try and eek it out of him. Maybe say you've always got a funny vibe around sally and see where that takes you.. but agree to leave it in the past, he has obviously dealt with it in his own right, just hug him a bit tighter xx

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 16/02/2018 22:27

I cut up my boyfriends clothes when I was 18/19 cause I was fed up with his shit and the way he treated me..I realise that's psychotic now as a 32 year old and would never behave like that. But she was young, possibly immature, he was paralytic. Who knows what had gone on before that point that night. It's in the past now. Hes a changed man shes likely grown up and changed too.

Whilst I can undertsand it would be upsetting to see. It's in the past and they have both moved on enough to still be civil with each other. Its a snapshot for you. Talk to him for reassurance if it will make you feel better.

thebellsofsainthelens · 16/02/2018 22:32

"DH never talks of his previous life before me and curiousity for the better of me. I was enjoying looking at pics of him when he was younger"

Total invasion of privacy.

Complete violation on your part. Would you have read his diaries?

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 16/02/2018 22:33

OP I really wouldn’t say anything. It might be humiliating for him and what on earth would you gain from the situation?

What do you envisage happening? That he will turn to you for comfort? You can still show that you love him without him knowing.

You don’t know how he will react to the invasion of privacy. I wouldn’t risk it.

RainyApril · 16/02/2018 22:34

I agree with pretty much every pp : you have no idea of the context but you do know that she sent it to him and he chose to keep it. It is personal, private and none of your business. I certainly wouldn't challenge a 30yo woman about her actions as a teenager. For all you know, he told her to film him next time he was paralytic, or she did it to show him how utterly out of it he was capable of getting.

ProfessorPickles · 16/02/2018 22:34

Ah that makes sense OP, with it being in his received folder then it does sound she was abusing him whether it was once or often.

People are saying it's none of your business and while I kind of get where they're coming from but imagine a man kicking a passed out woman like that and saying those things, I think people would react differently to that.

I don't believe it's none of your business, but I also don't think it would be wise or fair to bring it up now. It may be that they've talked about it since and 'made up' although to me it sounds unforgivable but I suppose only the two of them know the full story about their relationship. I can completely get why you're angry

Frequency · 16/02/2018 22:36

My guess would be that he was on the verge of alcoholism when he was with her too and the videod incident was the last straw. She probably a) lost her shit that he was in that state again and b) filmed it to show him when he was sober exactly what he looks like in that state.

It doesn't excuse the kicking and nastiness but she was young and it doesn't appear (to me) to have been done through malice.