I saw a video on his phone

[Reckinball]

I've name changed for this as it's quite outing I feel.

My DH has had a very hard upbringing. His DM died when he was 21 from alcoholism. His father is a waste of space but that's another issue. DH was with his "first love" let's call her "Sally" through the whole sad episode of his mother's detrioration. They split a year after his mum died. DH met me 4 years later and we've been together nearly 6 years.

We've just moved house for the first time since moving in together years ago. The garage was full of crap so I spent all day yesterday sorting through it and skipping things. Within it all I found an old mobile. I didn't recognise it so I charged it and found that I thought it was DH's mobile from before we were together. DH never talks of his previous life before me and curiousity for the better of me. I was enjoying looking at pics of him when he was younger then came across this video.

In it my DH is drunk, absolutely smashed out of his head and lying on the bed. Sally is filming it. It starts off by her laughing and calling him pathetic etc. She then starts to kick him and amongst other things says "your just like your mother" which she repeatedly says to him.

Now I've watched that I feel sick. I can't stop thinking about it. Sally is still a friend of DH's. When she sees us on a night out or in town she comes over to speak to him, she occasionally texts him. Part of me wants to say what I've seen. Part of me wants to rip her fucking head off. Talk me down here please.

So if a woman gets pissed out of her head and gets assaulted is that ok? Would it be ok to ignore and destroy the evidence? It doesn’t matter though. It’s all in the past and let sleeping dogs lie huh?

Maybe the bloke who assaults her is only doing it because he actually cares about her and is at the end of his tether? Perhaps we was asking for it?

Maybe, it’s his sexual kink? He likes it obviously. But it’s ok because Women don’t kill two men a week. Violence towards women is different.

Some of you are fucking disgusting hypocrites. Is it any wonder men don’t report DV?

I’d be horrified OP. Your poor DH.

What’s interesting though is that because he’s male, you’ve been told he’s obviously into kinky sex or just to forget it.

I just can’t imagine the same advice if youd been talking about a female.

I have had some extremely dysfunctional relationships which have involved abuse, excessive drinking and drug taking. There have been situations I would hate my Husband or anyone to see and bring up with me. I am still friends with one of my exes where there was extremely poor behaviour on both sides due to addictions and MH issues when we were late teens. I have alluded to it with DH but he respects my privacy and has never asked any further questions and i have never felt the need to rake over a part of my life which is dead now.

I would be less than impressed if he snooped into my stuff and then wanted to talk about things which happened to me based on finding something and it making him feel bad.

Theglobe - no of course it isn't okay. But it isn't the OP's place to go to the police. It's not her call - it's her partner's. He is the victim. And she's abusing him all over again by snooping through his things. It's unforgiveable to charge up someone's old phone and go through their videos and photos. It would be the end of the relationship for me. Such an abuse of trust

I think the key piece of information is that he already knows about it. The video was sent to him, and he chose to keep it on his phone. Even if it was part of a pattern of abuse, or dv, he himself has decided to bury it and leave it twelve years in the past.

I would say the same if it were a woman. Who are we to insist he talk about it, revisit it, report it, stop being friends with this woman? He's a grown man who has not asked for help, has not opened up about it, has obviously chosen not to share anything about it with his new partner, does not appear to be struggling in any way to come to terms with it.

He's happy, what possible good can come from raising it? He's either angry op snooped, embarrassed she saw it or dismissive because he knows the context of the event.

The fact that some cretin on here said women don't kill two men a week. Violence towards men is different Is absolutely disgusting and shows the double standards that still occur in today's society.

I know for a FACT that if that video had of been a woman then the responses would have been different. As Theglobe quite rightly says, I'm sure you wouldn't be saying ignore it.

I did speak to my DH about it as we have no secrets in our marriage. She was abusive towards him throughout their relationship, which is why their relationship ultimately ended because she put her hand through a glass window in temper one night. I asked him why he still continued to be friends with her. He said he feels that he "owes her something" because she was there the day that his mum died and was a support to him. He also said that because she had the same problem as him (and still has) he feels sorry for her. I told him that what I saw was disgusting and to see him abused like that has made me feel sick. He said he's going to bring it up at his next counselling session. He wasn't angry. He wasn't disgusted as some of you may suggest. DH and I have been through a lot together, it takes more than me finding a video on an old phone for that to rock our relationship.

Just to be clear - violence and domestic is abuse is NEVER OK whatever sex you are. It wasnt a sexual kink, he wasnt "asking" for it, he didn't deserve it because he was drunk and she wasn't being kind to him by trying to save him. You don't do that to someone you love.

Also - to the posters that said I am the one that's abusive and controlling. You have absolutely no idea what I have been through with my DH in the early days. No idea at all.

You're lucky then that he wasn't upset or angry.

I would be.

You didn't 'find' a video on an old phone - you charged it up and went snooping through it.

I'm sorry you think the dynamic in your relationship is healthy - it isn't.

Well that's you Harvey I know my DH. He also knows me and knows I wouldn't care if he looked through old or current phones of mine because I have nothing to hide.

They like to claim people are abusive on mumsnet. I am frequently amazed by how many people are gaslighting, having emotional affairs or abusive because they have friends or ask their partner to put the kettle on.

I work in a field where we meet a lot of abused people. I personally would like to see you give that phone to the police and see Sally get her come uppance as you can bet she’s now getting her kicks doing the same thing to someone else. I have no tolerance for abuse towards men or women. Just because the offender is a woman does not let her off the hook imho

Like I said haddock I find it interesting that a lot of you are excusing the behaviour of his abuser sally. I think that says more about you than it does about me. Do you often stick up for men that continually beat women? Or are you part of the cretin society that thinks it's different because he's a man?

Karigan I agree with you 100% and once my DH has spoken to his counsellor (who I will assume will suggest going to the police with evidence) I will support him with whatever he wants to do.

You seem very certain of your choices now and it’s hard to square that with your initial “talk me down” post.

I am glad for your DP’s sake that he seems to be ok with what you’ve done. Personally I still think it sounds wrong (and that has nothing to do with double standards).

You are taking refuge behind your zero tolerance stance towards domestic violence (which in itself is of course right) to deflect attention from the fact you’ve acted out of total self-interest here. You’ve inserted yourself into someone else’s recovery process and you actually sound proud of it. It’s turned out ok for now; great. But you sound pretty lacking in self-awareness.

I'm not excusing Sally's behaviour at all Reckin. But you are not in a relationship with Sally.

And it's also not true that you have no secrets in your marriage. Until you went snooping through his things, you didn't know that Sally was abusive in their relationship because he hadn't told you before.

Boo last night I didn't know what to think. I had seen the video and my head was whirring but in my heart I knew I would have to say something. If that phone had been a girlfriend's of mine or a DD if I had one I would have no hesitation in bringing it up if I saw a man kicking the shit out of her whilst she was barely conscious.

It is more socially acceptable for a woman to speak about abuse. Yes my DH was probably embarrassed and ashamed which is why he didn't tell me - that doesn't make the abuse right or ok to be hidden. As a previous PP has said how do you know that sally isn't doing this to her current partner/s? Isn't the statistic that most men who commit DV will do so again and again to different partners? How is this different to women who commit DV?

Yes I was snooping, but not in a malicious way. I didn't have reason to think DH was "up to something" or "hiding something" and I was specifically looking for anything. Yes some may thing that's wrong but I genuinely wouldn't care if Dh did it to my phone.

Nothing good will come of you bringing this up. If you want to set his recovery back then go for it. Most people have said don't do it, but you seem hellbent on it. What's this nonsense about his counsellor suggesting taking the evidence to police? Why would it even go that far? He is aware of his own past. Bringing up the darkest days of an emotionally damaged man, who is trying to get better, is abhorrent. You're seeking some kind of personal satisfaction from this and it's all kinds of wrong.

sexyegg DV is illegal. Or do you not think it's illegal just because it's a woman doing it to a man?

Do partners have no privacy?
His levels of privacy do not have to be the same as yours.
This appears to be all about you OP 'my head' 'my heart' and not your partner. If he was abused it is his story and up to him to share it or keep it to himself.
Give him opportunities to talk, and if he chooses not to, leave it alone.

@Reckinball Please don't use cretin, it is highly offensive and disablist.

I was referring to cretin in this context

I think you were hurt that he had kept an enormous part of his past secret from you, and wanted an explanation, and are now trying to dress it up as support for dv victims everywhere.

And, quite obviously, your assertion that you and your dp 'don't have secrets' is untrue isn't it?

I'm glad he wasn't angry or embarrassed, and that it hasn't set back his recovery. It's good that he can now discuss this with you, if he wants to. But please don't apply pressure for him to behave how you want him to - to discuss it with his counsellor, to confront Sally.

Lots of people on the internet and real life also use words like 'spaz' and 'mong' when they disagree with someone. It doesn't suddenly make those words inoffensive or change the origin. Cretin refers to someone with a thyroid deficiency and is disablist.

Lots of people on the internet and real life also use words like 'spaz' and 'mong' when they disagree with someone. It doesn't suddenly make those words inoffensive or change the origin. Cretin refers to someone with a thyroid deficiency and is disablist

^ this.

Butterymuffin's post was also what I was thinking. I see you've done it, OP. I knew you would; you have no control of yourself at all.

You also have no control over what your husband thinks about what you did. He is probably going to speak to his friend Sally about this and he has every right to. She hasn't let him down or betrayed his trust.

You did exactly what you wanted to do, hope it all works out for you.

She hasn't let him down or betrayed his trust.

Just kicked the shit out of him whilst he was incapacitated. Sally is such a paragon of virtue huh?

What is it on other threads? Why are people so desperate to defend an abusive person?