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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I saw a video on his phone

262 replies

Reckinball · 16/02/2018 21:30

I've name changed for this as it's quite outing I feel.

My DH has had a very hard upbringing. His DM died when he was 21 from alcoholism. His father is a waste of space but that's another issue. DH was with his "first love" let's call her "Sally" through the whole sad episode of his mother's detrioration. They split a year after his mum died. DH met me 4 years later and we've been together nearly 6 years.

We've just moved house for the first time since moving in together years ago. The garage was full of crap so I spent all day yesterday sorting through it and skipping things. Within it all I found an old mobile. I didn't recognise it so I charged it and found that I thought it was DH's mobile from before we were together. DH never talks of his previous life before me and curiousity for the better of me. I was enjoying looking at pics of him when he was younger then came across this video.

In it my DH is drunk, absolutely smashed out of his head and lying on the bed. Sally is filming it. It starts off by her laughing and calling him pathetic etc. She then starts to kick him and amongst other things says "your just like your mother" which she repeatedly says to him.

Now I've watched that I feel sick. I can't stop thinking about it. Sally is still a friend of DH's. When she sees us on a night out or in town she comes over to speak to him, she occasionally texts him. Part of me wants to say what I've seen. Part of me wants to rip her fucking head off. Talk me down here please.

OP posts:
shinysinkredemption · 17/02/2018 00:25

Are the people saying pretend you've never seen it honestly saying they could just think, I shouldn't have seen that so I'm going to pretend I haven't, and carry on with day to day life??? Am I missing something?
I get that perhaps the OP shouldn't have looked, but she has, and if her partner cares about her he will get that she's concerned should she bring it up with him. It's an awful situation but Pandora's box is well and truly opened here.

Butterymuffin · 17/02/2018 00:25

The one way you possibly have of bringing them closer together again is to make a fuss about this video, allowing the two of them to agree that you are the one who's overstepped a line. Think about that.

Ssssurvey · 17/02/2018 00:26

I don't mean to offend ReanimatedSGB but your post comes across as a little bit harsh. The OP has a vested interest and is maybe just overly concerned (or maybe not and you are right!).

SelfLoathing · 17/02/2018 00:31

Something else that no one has mentioned is that he may have forgotten about both the incident and the video.

Have you never had the experience of seeing an old email from years ago that reminds you of an incident you'd forgotten? Or been sent a photograph years later that you don't remember being taken?

Apart from the natural weakness of human memory, the mind also protects itself by deleting or semi -deleting painful events you'd rather not deal with.

Don't drag this up now. He may have totally forgotten about it and you will be re awakening a painful memory.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2018 00:45

Are the people saying pretend you've never seen it honestly saying they could just think, I shouldn't have seen that so I'm going to pretend I haven't, and carry on with day to day life??? Am I missing something?

Yes you are definitely missing something.

You are missing the victim's right to privacy, the victim's right to not have their past thrown up in front of them, the victim's right to own something personal without having that invaded by a nosy partner.

The fact the OP couldn't keep her nose out and decided to violate his privacy behind his back, is very much her problem.

If she can't pretend she hasn't seen it, again the problem lies with her.

UnmitigatedBollocks · 17/02/2018 00:47

She sounds charming 😏

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2018 00:50

I get that perhaps the OP shouldn't have looked, but she has, and if her partner cares about her he will get that she's concerned should she bring it up with him. It's an awful situation but Pandora's box is well and truly opened here.

And the onus you've placed on the victim there is astounding.

So if he doesn't want to confront the violent abuse he received in his past, it's because he doesn't care about the OP?

Jesus Christ.

He is not responsible for 'Pandora's box' being opened.

That was the fault of Nosey Mc Noseyson and she should be the one to deal with her own actions, not him.

Terftastic · 17/02/2018 00:57

I think there is a very good chance that your DH has forgotten about it/ buried it and will not want to be reminded of it now.

ReanimatedSGB · 17/02/2018 00:58

Best advice I can give OP is: find a counsellor or therapist for yourself. A good one should be able to help you keep your trap shut over your discovery until it no longer worries you and, more importantly, help you understand why what you did was unethical and contemptible, and how saying anything to your partner about it would be even worse.
I don't know if you are manipulative and controlling and keen on prying into stuff that is absolutely none of your business, but the fact that you took the time to charge up a phone that didn't belong to you and go through everything in its memory without saying a word to the person the phone actually belongs to doesn't give a very good impression.

hotsouple · 17/02/2018 01:13

I am still friends with an ex who was emotionally abusive. Because we were so young we just didn't know how to handle those situations at the time. It's my relationship to have. We speak very rarely but its someone I knew for a long time, who saw me go through some of my darkest shit and vice versa. I find it a great comfort that although we were so awful to and for one another, we can reflect on those moments and learn and grow from them. Don't judge your husbands relationship with his ex. You don't know what they went through together, you don't know how they've forgiven each other or dealt with their past.

BookHelpPlease · 17/02/2018 01:22

Was it a violent kick or a shove with a foot to show he was unconscious?

There's a big difference between trying to inflict pain or trying to show someone how unresponsive they were the night before. I could imagine me at 18 thinking something like this would shock someone into changing. I did film a friend pissing herself at a party but she just thought it was hilarious Confused

MiniMum97 · 17/02/2018 01:23

God you people are weird. Of course you should mention it. Presuming that you are close and share everything of course (personally I can't imagine having a relationship not like this but apparently some people do!!). My husband and I talk about everything and I would definitely bring this up if I had found something like this. I, like you, would be extremely upset for him and I would want to discuss that with him and be there for him should he need or want support. I would be very careful how I brought it up however and choose the right time due to the obvious sensitivity of the subject. I couldn't be in a relationship knowing something like that and not bring it up. How could you anyone live with it festering away. A massive lie by omission!

And for those who said she shouldn't have charged the phone, I would have. I wouldn't expect there to be any secrets so why wouldn't I charge it and have a look at some old pics.

My husband has my phone code and I have his. He is more than welcome to use and browse my phone any time and he doesn't mind me looking at his either. What would there be to hide! So no I would have no issues looking at an old phone whatsoever.

CapnHaddock · 17/02/2018 01:42

Its none of your business. You shouldn't have charged it and looked through it because it's not your phone. That's what you get for being nosy.

KeepHimJolene · 17/02/2018 01:44

@Reckinball

It Is None Of Your Business.

How Many Times Do You Need To Be Told

I have a suggestion as you are hellbent on confronting him. Go ahead and do that and when you have used your Reckinball to wreak your relationship you could pop back on here and lament about it to us.

blackcoffeeredwine · 17/02/2018 02:05

minimum thank you! If this was my DH I would of course bring it up, I couldn’t not, I don’t get these relationships where there are secrets!
OP, you are right to be concerned, if this was a man kicking and abusing a woman the mumsnet mafia would be rightly outraged. Shocking behaviour, she sounds like a twat.
Talk to your DH about it, I find the whole ‘it is between him and her’ mentality very strange; she is an ex, you are his current partner, surely you share your thoughts and feelings??

LolitaLempicka · 17/02/2018 03:14

And I don’t get these relationships where every single detail is shared. Why would you want to know everything that happened before you met your partner, it just does not concern you. Weird.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 17/02/2018 03:55

And for those who said she shouldn't have charged the phone, I would have. I wouldn't expect there to be any secrets so why wouldn't I charge it and have a look at some old pics.

What if your DP and his ex had taken intimate photos of any kind?! Even long forgotten ones...My XH has photos of our DS being born. Doesn't the phone owner and their ex partner deserve some dignity and respect? Fucking hell Shock

Sleephead1 · 17/02/2018 06:37

op obviously it's not nice to see but you have no idea what went on it was a long time ago and to be honest seems like something done out of desperation and anger as he was beginning to have a problen with alcohol and drugs. maybe he's gone out and go smashed every night for a month, came in being abusive, smashed the house up ECT. or maybe she wad abusive to him you don't know and he obviously doesn't want you to know. I have something horrible that happened to me a long time ago I told one person at the time and no once else I do not want to discuss this with my husband and if he somehow found out by sneaking about behind my back I would be furious it's nothing to do with you and maybe him and Sally have sorted it years ago the fact they still seem friendly seems more likely that it was fine out of frustration or desperation and it's obviously wrong but how do you know they havnthaunt sorted it out between them ?

hollowtree · 17/02/2018 06:43

What is Sally like as a person? Could it be that she was concerned about his alcoholism and wanted to video him to show it as proof? Maybe as a shock tactic to scare him into not going the same way.

lurkingnotlurking · 17/02/2018 06:48

You were completely wrong to have looked. And now you want to risk humiliating him (which I suspect will be his response) by raising it now. To make yourself feel better for what you shouldn't have done. Live with the consequences of your violation of his privacy and keep your mouth shut. What on earth is to be gained from raising this with him or her now? It's all for your benefit, not his.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 17/02/2018 07:03

I would leave well alone. 14 years is scientific history, he's clearly seen it and made whatever choice - how do you know he's not already confronted Sally about it? That could have been the thing that split them up.

I'd be mortified at my partner raising something like this, absolutely nothing to do with you.

HarveyKietelRabbit · 17/02/2018 07:18

If my partner wanted to have a chat about my past abuse because of how upset they are, because they want to talk about, especially because they invaded my privacy to find something out...I would be extremely unhappy and angry.

MistressPage · 17/02/2018 07:19

OP you've gone looking and found something from your husband's past, long before he met you. You've massively invaded his privacy by charging up that old phone and snooping. he had a life before you which doesn't belong to you. You should let it go.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/02/2018 07:22

reckinball. I’m sorry this happened to your DH, it must have been awful to watch. I agree with the there that you shouldn’t have charged the phone & looked at it, but in all honesty, I would have done the same.

I disagree with a lot of the previous posts, I don’t think you’re making this about you or are controlling or anything like that. I think you are shocked, angry & sad that ‘Sally’ was so violent to your DH. I’d want to rip her head off too - then put it through the mincer. My initial thought was that I’d tell her to quietly vanish from DH’s life or I would do something about the video (go to the police). However, given she’s still drinking to excess and causing problems in her own life, I’m not sure she wouldn’t get drunk & tell your DH that you ‘threatened her’.

I agree with the poster that said if your DH was female the answers would be different, there would be so many posts telling you to take it to the police.

I’d tell him that I’d seen it & tell him I was I was shocked, angry & hurt that ‘Sally’ did that to him. Ask him how often ‘Sally’ abused him & ask him why he allows ‘Sally’ to still be a part of his life.

I couldn’t/wouldn’t stay quiet because I couldn’t unsee that abuse and I don’t think it should be ignored. Burying it isn’t doing either of you any good, nor will creating a wall between you by pretending not to have seen it.

All that aside, I’m not sure someone still abusing alcohol is a great friend to have if you’re a recovering alcoholic. One stressful moment at work/home, one text to/from ‘Sally’ at the right moment and his sobriety could be easily trashed.

CapnHaddock · 17/02/2018 07:33

Really shocked how little respect some of you have for your partners' right to privacy.

It has nothing to do with the sex of either of the people in the video either. The OP is abusive for going through her partner's things without his consent.