My friend didn’t tell me she was pregnant

[Ilovemycat2018]

I name changed as this may be outing.

I was hosting a little get together at my house for a particular circle of friends. We’ve all known each other for 10 years and have (what I thought) was a fairly even relationship. Anyway my friends all turned up at the same time and I opened the door to one of the group very heavily pregnant.

I was gobsmacked! Turns out she’s about 7 1/2 months pregnant (has had no issues so far) through the evening it transpired that the others seemed to have all known about it.

I’m deeply upset by this.

AIBU to think this is odd behaviour and to feel really left out? We’ve spoken on the phone and exchanged texts recently. But I feel like she’s punishing me for not going to see her for a few months (she lives at the other end of the country). I feel like an idiot and not her proper friend and I feel like I cannot be bothered with her anymore.

It was also my housewarming and I feel like she’s stolen my thunder a little bit - but I know that’s a bit pathetic x

She told the others not to tell me (don’t know why)

I had a ''friend'' like this. She was really jealous of me. And she used each of her pregnancies to kind of compete with me/as a weapon. There was a time when I was also TTC, with a partner who had literally one sperm, and that swimming in the wrong direction - a rugby injury. When I ended up moving on and I got pregnant v. quickly with the next partner, she was so angry. She also got pregnant and didn't tell me, and then turned up at a party at my house (where I was about 4 months pregnant) and said ''I can't drink either ... I'm pregnant too!'' and kind of stole the whole party deal with her announcement.

This person is weird. She is not good. Don't worry but don't go any further with her. You just don't need it. xxx

OP - trust your instincts I think, some people have very passive/aggressiv ways of dealing with issues and you may never know what is really going on.
To single you out like that sounds like a very deliberate power play so I would steer well clear - smile and be nice when you see her but don’t bother otherwise.
You sound like a lovely friend, let lovely people be the recipients of that!

Well no i don't agree with your last comment 'owning a home is overrated'. Maybe you've been fortunate, live in a reasonably priced area or just invested well maybe, but for people working and saving their arses off to invest in their future, owning a home is not overrated.

After her last comments to you expressing anger/annoyance so many people can't afford houses (and you clearly can), I really think she's jealous. There's no way keeping the pregnancy secret can be seen in a positive light on your relationship given she told all your other friends and have spoken on the phone multiple times. I think she sounds manipulative and two faced, I couldn't be bothered with her games either. And your comment about her trying to steal the limelight, don't be embarrassed, I actually think that's exactly what she wanted to do. She wanted to be the center of attention. YANBU.

Definitely not BU. What I find so bizarre is when you have a conversation with someone you ask how they are, what’s new etc. So I do understand OP what you’re saying and how you feel because a pregnant friend would be gushing about the baby, plans, purchases, nursery, worries about maternity pay, perhaps at times bemoaning how they can’t sleep, indigestion etc. Just all sorts. But not a peep about anything to you. It’s almost lying by omission. This is a huge life event for a friend. The not sharing anything with you, in my opinion, does indeed show she didn’t think to share something so important with you. As she also told other friends, talked about her pregnancy and deliberately told them not to tell you, i would be really hurt too.

My first thought trading the title of your post was either you had miscarriages or trouble conceiving and she didn’t want to upset you but you’ve already replied up the thread, that’s not the case. I’m sorry your “friend” is so callous and not really reciprocal in friendship. You’re not at all BU

Urgh, I would sack her right off. I wouldn't even bother with a card and gift when the baby's born.

You made an effort to visit her in London, she could have made an effort for a subsequent visit.

Or called you, told you the news and asked you to visit her if she had morning sickness.

The correct response to someone announcing they have bought a house is 'congratulations' not anger!

If she can't be happy for your life events, why should you be happy for her?

When I ended up moving on and I got pregnant v. quickly with the next partner, she was so angry.

what did she say, @Koala72 ?

@Charolais they want to retire on your farm?! Who would have taken care of them? Would they have paid rent/bills?

Honestly, I wouldn't waste any more time or energy on this person. People are strange. I had one so-called friend who didn't even tell me she'd had the baby and I had to find out from someone else (a less close friend)! They have their issues and it's not our problem trying to figure them out.

My guess is that you, perhaps unwittingly, committed a faux pas when you stayed with her OP.

Did she perhaps drop a hint that you failed to notice? Is it possible you are being punished for some perceived sleight?

Regardless, I wouldn’t wish to continue a friendship with someone playing such games

@Eastie77 I had a friend do something similar recently; posted a picture on Facebook of them with a teeny tiny baby, and a caption along the lines of 'so I guess everyone should know this happened'.

She's a prolific poster, is very self absorbed, thinks she's absolutely gorgeous and is always posting about getting hit on literally (and I mean literally) everywhere she goes, and being asked by numerous modelling agencies to sign up and then following up with horrendously bad apparently professional shots of her. She's often been called out on by others because they know she's making it up. It's all a bit bonkers.

We used to work together and would go out drinking, and I always really liked her (and all her bonkers-ness), but we were never very close (weird jealousy issues on her part), so I would never have expected to be told about the pregnancy, but I thought it was a bit odd, partly that she had kept something a secret for so long, but mostly because I was sure I had seen her posting about nights out recently. I checked to see if maybe there were photos of her just drinking coke or something, but she's clearly drinking pints and getting pretty drunk at least once in each of the last 6 months of her pregnancy. I thought maybe it was an adoption, but then she posted about losing baby weight - only the once and she always advertises the new diet she's on, so I'm amazed she hasn't been posting her usual progress photos and statuses. And I know she knew she was pregnant, so knew she shouldn't be getting drunk, because she mentioned once about it being hard to keep it a secret 'all this time'.

After the first week the baby has never been mentioned again in any capacity, and she's not the type to keep any of her private life private. She's posted photos of her dog and said something like 'the most important man/the only man I need in my life' and I was  because the baby was a boy, but thought maybe she meant not including babies. Then she posted a picture of her best friend a few days later and said something along the lines of 'love this girl more than anyone else in the world' - I know it's just words and Facebook, but it still seems odd to me.

She got a few comment and likes - maybe around 25-30 - on her surprise announcement, but half of those were just question marks or people asking for an explanation, so not the massive fuss that normally follows a birth, so I do wonder if others are as sceptical about it as I am. It's very strange and I still have no idea if it's actually her baby 

@Ilovemycat2018 It does sound like it could be a weird jealousy thing. Maybe she feels like your grown up house buying overshadowed her pregnancy or something. Who knows.

If you otherwise like her, and this is the first time any sort of crack has shown in your friendship, I would just carry on as normal, and continue the friendship, but just keep your guard up a bit in case she does something weird again. It's hurtful and odd, but IMO not worth losing a friend over, if you are close enough to talk regularly and stay at her house far away.

I would ask again why you were singled out to not receive a phone call and have a surprise, in person announcement so much later than the others. Explain that you are a bit hurt and really confused because you would have been so happy for her and would have loved to have shared in the excitement with everyone else. See how she responds and take it from there

That's a lot of words. Sorry

I'm the middle that should say 'I was ' about the dog photo. My emoji went walkies

Pregnant friend is jealous...typical passive aggressive behaviors from her. The best response is to live well O.P lve had " frienemies" like this. Keep cool and carry on dont respond in kind, just kill it with kindness. Shes sad really .

@PineappleExpress well I purposely didn’t join the FB group my friend set up as I didn’t want to feed the drama. I thought those kind of privacy clauses were for famous people who had exclusive deals with Ok! magazine Another friend of our group messaged her in the days after she posted the mysterious fog shrouded picture and asked for details and she replied “We are well & blessed” with no further information!

I sent her a card and small gift a short time later and just wrote congrats and referenced ‘baby’ as I still didn’t know the name. I totally respect her right to privacy re her newborn baby but the whole thing was ridiculously attention seeking.

I’ve had friends like this in the past, I now distance myself and have a happy life and see the friends I have that don’t play silly games. My life is much better for it.

@Motoko And me.

When I was pregnant, I told a friend and we saw each other several times during my pregnancy, swapped advice, stories etc. What she didn't tell me was that she was pregnant too - in fact more pregnant than me! She only told me about month before she gave birth. Bit strange but her decision, I suppose.