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AIBU?

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Original poster

My friend didn’t tell me she was pregnant

217 replies

Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 16:21

I name changed as this may be outing.

I was hosting a little get together at my house for a particular circle of friends. We’ve all known each other for 10 years and have (what I thought) was a fairly even relationship. Anyway my friends all turned up at the same time and I opened the door to one of the group very heavily pregnant.

I was gobsmacked! Turns out she’s about 7 1/2 months pregnant (has had no issues so far) through the evening it transpired that the others seemed to have all known about it.

I’m deeply upset by this.

AIBU to think this is odd behaviour and to feel really left out? We’ve spoken on the phone and exchanged texts recently. But I feel like she’s punishing me for not going to see her for a few months (she lives at the other end of the country). I feel like an idiot and not her proper friend and I feel like I cannot be bothered with her anymore.

It was also my housewarming and I feel like she’s stolen my thunder a little bit - but I know that’s a bit pathetic x

OP posts:
starryeyed19 · 15/02/2018 19:09

OP, I had a friend break up with me who was TTC. It turned out later that she must have been pregnant when she did it. I think maybe part of it was ending one part of her life before starting another.

It was weird behaviour, no doubt about it. Especially if everyone else knew and you didn't. She deliberately didn't tell you. I can understand why you might feel hurt/angry/upset

MissClareRemembers · 15/02/2018 19:10

It sounds like she has a major issue with you whether it’s something genuine or some perceived slight.

It’s sounds too bizarrely planned and set up for there to be any other explanation. What if you hadn’t moved into your new house till after the baby is born? Would she just have turned up at your housewarming with a baby in tow? Also, travelling from one end of the country to the other at nearly 8 months pregnant just for a small, casual gathering seems odd to me?

If you can be arsed with it maybe try and ask one of the other friends if pregnant friend has a problem with you?

ChocFudgeLover · 15/02/2018 19:11

It's odd. She must have told the mutual friends not to tell you quite early on for it to have been kept secret so long. Ask her outright why she didn't tell you.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 15/02/2018 19:15

OP, I'd step back from this friendship if I were you. She definintely has some issue with you. Ths actions over the pregnancy could at a pinch be charitably thought of as thoughtless, but she's repeating the behaviour with the moving house. That moves it firmly into the deliberate camp.

Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 19:19

The whole things mad the more I think about it. I went to visit her in London whilst she would have been a month or two pregnant. We had a great time and I treated her to a lovely meal. We’ve chatted on the phone many times. I always ask about her and am really interested in her career etc...

Not sure I can be bothered with the hassle. I’ve spoken one of my other friends about it and she just said she mad and to take no notice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 19:23

@petbear she’s a weirdo for keeping her pregnacy a secret from me yes

OP posts:
PrimalLady · 15/02/2018 19:32

Hmmm. Other side of the country I wouldn't be upset. My best friend didn't tell me until she she thought she was having contractions with her second. She didn't know till six moths tho herself and she didn't tell anyone who lived on the same estate either lol everyone else in found out when she posted a photo of the new baby. When she said it tho I was like come again now??

Didn't bother me tho.

With her third she didn't tell me despite seeing me daily. Her fella let slip. It did sting a bit tbh. But I didn't say anything. Niether of us are the sort to romanticise pregnancy, particular our third because we hate it, it's a means to an end for us and the baby is much more worthy of attention when it's born or actually knowing what's going on.

We also dislike people talking about us, and wanting to get involved for random reasons which we find pregnancy brings out (no sorry if you've not spoken to me for ten years I don't want you to come round while I'm bleeding like a cut pig, fighting after pains of doom, leaking more milk than anyone knows what to do with. I'd rather be in bed which is where I will be unless I absolutely have to not be).

PrimalLady · 15/02/2018 19:33

He did let slip early on tho. Well before the first scan lol. She also wasn't as happy about the pregnancy as he was as it was his first bio baby x

petbear · 15/02/2018 19:33

@ReggaeTonLente

This has happened to me recently. One of my good friends is hurt she’s been last to know - well, I tried! I wanted to tell her in person but couldn’t get a date in the diary - she’s in a new relationship and very wrapped up in him. So eventually I just told her over WhatsApp (because she didn’t answer my call or bother to call back!). Now she’s upset she’s last out of all our friends to be told. I told the others at one of the several meet ups you’ve blown off over the last 3 months love...

Wow what a diva. Love it how people are upset and angry and pissy because they weren't one of the first to know about their 'friend's' pregnancy. What entitled, bratty, childish behaviour. Their friend is pregnant, and they make it all about them. How pathetic.

I also fail to see why the OP's 'friend' would be jealous of her buying a house. What is there to be jealous about in getting yourself a massive financial 'ball and chain' around your neck for 25-30 years? I was a 'homeowner' for 18 years, and now rent a little social housing home, and I most certainly do not envy the people I know with mortgages, and colossal repairs and maintenance bills. So I seriously doubt the OP's 'friend' is jealous of her for any reason. The OP sounds jealous of her though, and a bit bitter.

@ilovemycats2018

she’s a weirdo for keeping her pregnancy a secret from me yes

Wow. Sad You really do not like her do you?

Tell you what, just don't bother with her again, she is obviously such a bad friend to have not informed you immediately that she was pregnant.

And I am sure she will cope without you in her life.

With friends like you, who needs enemies?!

FlaviaAlbia · 15/02/2018 19:44

This could be me, except that I haven't told anyone not to tell if they knew.

If people see me then it's pretty obvious but I haven't sent a "hey, I'm knocked up" text to those I don't see often. It would feel wierd, when the baby is here safely then obviously I'll tell them then.

No big deal really.

Bunbunbunny · 15/02/2018 19:44

petbear are you the friend?!?! Most people aspire to own their own homes in this country just because it didn’t suit you doesn’t mean it’s high up on people’s wish list!!!

itsmeimcathyivecomehome · 15/02/2018 20:03

This reply has been deleted

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TurquoiseDress · 15/02/2018 20:10

Just stepping back from everything on this thread...it's making me hope I don't have a DD!

So many many issues between supposed friends!

Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 20:54

@petbear no I agree! She’s got no reason to be jealous of me or my tiny house! It’s just the last time I spoke to her she was moaning and quite angry about how people can afford to buy houses and that it’s only people who have a rich parent or something. That’s the only thing I could think of. I agree owning a home is overrated x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 20:59

itsmeimcathyivecomehome Yeah perhaps you’re right. Any way I wasn’t mean to her and didn’t say anything. I could not have been nicer and more welcoming and I made a fuss of her. I’ve even sent her some baby clothes.

I’ve calmed down a bit and I think I’ve just got to realise that she doesn’t see me as a good friend. Thanks so much for all your replies. Sorry if I came across as a knob, tbh I’m a bit embarrassed about this post now 😕

OP posts:
GetKnitted · 15/02/2018 21:29

Was going to go all ranty on you, but I can see that it's not the right time for that... I'll go advicey instead, but take it or leave it sounds like you generally know what you want from life anyway.

Friendships can be fixed even when they've been broken, you've realised now that things are not great between you and you can decide whether you want the friendship to be as close as you had thought it was, or not. If you wanted to mend things you could think whether you needed to do anything different, ask her how she is more, listen closely to her replies. Maybe there were clues? Equally, if you do want to be friends with her, you can figure out what you would want from her as a friend, tell her that you were hurt and suggest a way of mending the friendship.

Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 21:31

GetKnitted thanks for the advice x

OP posts:
petbear · 15/02/2018 21:40

Most people aspire to own their own homes in this country just because it didn’t suit you doesn’t mean it’s high up on people’s wish list!!!

@bunbunbunny Nope.

Not necessarily true I'm afraid ... Whilst it's probably true that many people would like to own a home outright - no-one has a genuine desire to have a massive financial 'ball and chain' round their neck for 30 years...

Being a 'homeowner' is not like it used to be pre 1990's and there is nothing positive to be gained from it. All it brings is misery and debt and financial issues and 1000s and 1000s of pounds in maintenance and repairs.......And there is not much more security than private let really, as if you lose your job or become long term ill, no-one pays your mortgage, and you lose your home.

@itsmecathyivecomehome

Ah ignore petbear, she enjoys pouring shit on a thread and then sitting back and stirring it!

Rude.

Motoko · 15/02/2018 23:55

Rude.

It might be rude, but I've noticed the same.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 15/02/2018 23:59

I’ve not read the whole thread but I’d assume it’s because she didn’t want to upset you when you were ttc

Of course everyone knows you are ttc - everyone assumes a childless couple or couple not finished having children are ttc. You’d have to actively say you were trying imo for them to not assume this

ginplease8383 · 16/02/2018 00:21

My stupid dick of SIL did the same.

The day before a family event and bringing our newborn (2nd child) she text DH saying ‘I’m 6 months pregnant, everyone knows’ when we asked why we were told ‘you know now, it’s no biggie’. Biggest twat in town.

ginplease8383 · 16/02/2018 00:22

Ps. I chalked it up to hormones

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 16/02/2018 00:34

I’d think your sil was jealous you were having a baby just before her!

alotalotalot · 16/02/2018 09:44

I don't think you've overreacted op. You've just found out that this "friend" isn't as much a friend as you thought. That would hurt.

Upsy1981 · 16/02/2018 10:15

How long is it since you've been buying your house? Does it predate her pregnancy? I think she's more jealous than you think about you being able to buy a house and she wanted the pregnancy to be her news to overshadow your house. Do your other friends own their houses?