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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend didn’t tell me she was pregnant

217 replies

Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 16:21

I name changed as this may be outing.

I was hosting a little get together at my house for a particular circle of friends. We’ve all known each other for 10 years and have (what I thought) was a fairly even relationship. Anyway my friends all turned up at the same time and I opened the door to one of the group very heavily pregnant.

I was gobsmacked! Turns out she’s about 7 1/2 months pregnant (has had no issues so far) through the evening it transpired that the others seemed to have all known about it.

I’m deeply upset by this.

AIBU to think this is odd behaviour and to feel really left out? We’ve spoken on the phone and exchanged texts recently. But I feel like she’s punishing me for not going to see her for a few months (she lives at the other end of the country). I feel like an idiot and not her proper friend and I feel like I cannot be bothered with her anymore.

It was also my housewarming and I feel like she’s stolen my thunder a little bit - but I know that’s a bit pathetic x

OP posts:
NapQueen · 15/02/2018 18:10

Are your conversations quite one sided? Maybe she pointedly thought "OP never asks about my life, maybe I will just wait and see if she asks whats new with me" and you never did.

HarveyKietelRabbit · 15/02/2018 18:11

I did read your posts OP. You said you felt like she'd stolen your thunder then said you hated being the centre of attention anyway then said she might have been stealing your thunder a bit because she might be jealous you bought a house?

So there are quite a lot of thought processes going on around that...which is fine obviously.

I think you're massively overthinking it and should let it go. And enjoy your new house, it is something to be proud of Flowers

PancakeInMaBelly · 15/02/2018 18:13

Pancake - I think you're right in that she wanted a 'moment' but the way she did it - announcing her surprise at ops house was to deliberately overshadow the ops day/moment/celebration.
Yeah maybe. Some people who like spotlights dont know how to ever step back and let the focus be on anyone else

But

But it's the whole telling everyone else and making sure the op is left in the dark that's odd. It's very mean girls. The ops been excluded and for what?
I dont think its meangirlsey.
When youre pregnant and your bodys not your own and you feel like public property it can drive you to be a bit of a control freak over random things that you CAN still control IYKWIM

PercyPigAddict · 15/02/2018 18:13

I had a friend who did this with her engagement - she telephoned all her other friends and made a point of telling me she'd "forgotten" to call me until several days later. She repeated this in front of other people so they couldn't possibly miss the message either - I was a second-class friend Grin

Don't worry about it. She sounds like she ets off on playing petty games and probably is "punishing" you for not paying her enough attention.

petbear · 15/02/2018 18:14

When I was pregnant with my first some years ago, we told a female work colleague of my DH who I didn't even know, but he had known since school (so 14-15 years at the time,) that I was pregnant. And she was the 10th or so person we had told (after my parents and his parents and our siblings and BFF's.)

She just looked wide eyed and said ' I KNOW you're expecting, coz I heard it off Carol (my SIL.) Then she flounced off. Basically, she kicked off big time, and was sniffy and annoyed because we didn't tell her FIRST !!! Arrogant entitled bint. Basically, because she had known my DH for 5 or 6 years longer than me or any of my family, she thought that entitled her to be the first to know about our baby that was due.

Unbelievable.

My DH was so annoyed about it, that he found it hard to talk to her much after that. He was fuming. When he left the workplace a year or so later, he never spoke to her again. Neither did I obvs.

@ilovemycat2018

'She is a weirdo' you say? (page 1.) That's a bit rude isn't it?! Maybe there is a reason she didn't tell you. Maybe she just doesn't like you coz of your attitude and is hoping you will take the hint. You sound a lot like this woman my husband knew since school.

danTDM · 15/02/2018 18:14

NapQueen the OP doesn't sound like someone who doesn't think about friends/care to me Grin but I do understand the sort of person you mean, they just wouldn't give a shit!

PancakeInMaBelly · 15/02/2018 18:16

Anyway with regards to telling others not to tell, would the OP have been happy to hear second hand? I have a feeling that would be a no, so maybe friend was aware of OPs overthinkeyness and being cackhandedly sensitive to that.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 15/02/2018 18:23

Pancake if the friend didn't want OP to know secind hand, she'd have phoned at the same time as she phoned all the others, there'd have been no need to tell people not to tell the OP.

You seem to be making all sorts of excuses for this behaviour. I feel convinced the friend acted in a way she thought was "punishing" the OP for something. It really is exclusionary behaviour.

PancakeInMaBelly · 15/02/2018 18:25

You seem to be making all sorts of excuses for this behaviour
No, I think it does sound motivated by divaish attention motives, just not exclusion as a motivator

Jaygee61 · 15/02/2018 18:26

OP I understand why this upset you it sounds like a passive aggressive act to me. Like she wanted to take the shine off your evening.

PancakeInMaBelly · 15/02/2018 18:27

Thoughtless, self absorbed/selfish maybe

Deliberately mean: Im not really seeing that!

Greyponcho · 15/02/2018 18:28

Did anything happen during your stay with her in London that she’s pissed off about? Did she think maybe you already knew (picking up on her non-existent pg symptoms?)

Jaygee61 · 15/02/2018 18:29

It’s not “thoughtless” to tell all the OP’s friends and tell them not to tell her though is it? That was calculated.

Tiddlywinks63 · 15/02/2018 18:31

I can understand where you're coming from op, and how you feel too.
I know someone who seems to date great delight in behaving like this, even worse she once tried upstaging a bride at a wedding.
For some unfathomable reason to me she has to make a drama out of nothing nearly every time I see her, she loves an audience but would vehemently deny it if asked.
If 'friend' is trying to punish you then I'd smile sweetly and let her carry on! Sooner or later she'll end up looking stupid, just like the person I know/knew.

PancakeInMaBelly · 15/02/2018 18:31

It’s not “thoughtless” to tell all the OP’s friends and tell them not to tell her though is it? That was calculated.
I just interpret that as being self absorbed, wanting to do a big reveal or whatever, and not thinking about how the op would interpret it

Eastie77 · 15/02/2018 18:32

Your friend is strange OP but some people love the whole surprise and drama thing. A friend of mine got married and didn’t tell anyone in our fairly large circle of friends. She just posted a FB picture of her and new hubby kissing in wedding outfits. There were a deluge of surprised congrats from people including close family members who clearly had no idea as well as lots of questions asking when they got married etc. Friend didn’t answer any of the questions but just wrote a status update a week later saying “Thanks for your kind messages”. She drip fed information and then filled us in fully on all the details several months later (I had lost interest by then).

Similarly when she fell pregnant no-one knew (she moved to another town miles away). She just posted a picture on FB which showed her walking through a forest with a new baby strapped to her in a sling. It looked quite staged as she had fog swirling around her - think that bit was photo-shopped - and again she didn’t respond to all the congrats and questions. She also didn’t reveal if it was a boy or girl or the name. A couple of weeks she later set up a private FB group which would allow “select people to view pictures of my baby. Before joining I will need you to confirm you will not share any of these pictures or information in the group relating to the baby” Absolutely bonkers!

kaytee87 · 15/02/2018 18:34

I couldn't be bothered being friends with someone like that. She sounds attention seeking and game playing. Boring!

StrangeLookingParasite · 15/02/2018 18:40

StillSadAboutDrGreene some people prefer to tell things face to face, and this is the first time you have actually seen her.

Are you the friend in question? Given the several ugly and incorrect things you've posted on the thread, you seem determined to blame the OP for something she didn't do.

sonjadog · 15/02/2018 18:47

She sounds a bit strange to me and very self-absorbed. Who thinks "I'm going to punish someone by not telling them all about me", like knowing about her life is some big prize...

I can understand why you are upset, OP, but I would also see this as a good opportunity to let this friendship slide.

Hissy · 15/02/2018 18:48

It’s jealousy

You bought a house

She’s not a friend at all

I’d let it fade tbh

HouseworkIsASin10 · 15/02/2018 18:57

So she is also moving but hasn't told you? Other friends are told not to tell you anything.

She is playing games. It's revenge for something, or just jealous.

Either way she doesn't like you. I'd distance myself from her.

HongKongPhooeyNo1Superstar · 15/02/2018 18:57

I can't stand people like that.
Everything has to be taboo, a puzzle and a secret.

She sounds like a complete twat.
God help the poor kid she's having.
I would give her a very wide berth and wouldn't make any more effort with her.

Motoko · 15/02/2018 18:57

From the other things you've said about her (the wedding and house), I think you're probably correct about her motives.

I think you should let this 'friendship' slide. She doesn't sound very nice.

TurquoiseDress · 15/02/2018 19:00

Hi OP

I understand where you're coming from- if she was doing a big reveal for you and all your other friends then fair enough.

But just a bit weird to let all the others know except for you.

I would've done my best to put on my best face and hide my true feelings.

But I don't think she should have put you in that position- it's awkward esp in front of all the other mutual friends who knew already- what's that all about?!

ReggaetonLente · 15/02/2018 19:08

I know of a similar situation except the other way round and the pregnant woman hadn’t told her friend because she said her friend hadn’t bothered to see her or properly ask her how she was throughout all of her pregnancy, so it just hadn’t come up in conversation. She was quite embarrassed about the way it was finally revealed but equally hurt that her so called friend hadn’t bothered with her for all those months

This has happened to me recently. One of my good friends is hurt she’s been last to know - well, I tried! I wanted to tell her in person but couldn’t get a date in the diary - she’s in a new relationship and very wrapped up in him. So eventually I just told her over WhatsApp (because she didn’t answer my call or bother to call back!). Now she’s upset she’s last out of all our friends to be told. I told the others at one of the several meet ups you’ve blown off over the last 3 months love...

But OP if you really think she did it to be spiteful - whether that’s the truth or not, you aren’t real friends.