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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend didn’t tell me she was pregnant

217 replies

Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 16:21

I name changed as this may be outing.

I was hosting a little get together at my house for a particular circle of friends. We’ve all known each other for 10 years and have (what I thought) was a fairly even relationship. Anyway my friends all turned up at the same time and I opened the door to one of the group very heavily pregnant.

I was gobsmacked! Turns out she’s about 7 1/2 months pregnant (has had no issues so far) through the evening it transpired that the others seemed to have all known about it.

I’m deeply upset by this.

AIBU to think this is odd behaviour and to feel really left out? We’ve spoken on the phone and exchanged texts recently. But I feel like she’s punishing me for not going to see her for a few months (she lives at the other end of the country). I feel like an idiot and not her proper friend and I feel like I cannot be bothered with her anymore.

It was also my housewarming and I feel like she’s stolen my thunder a little bit - but I know that’s a bit pathetic x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 16:37

headhurtstoomuch No she doesn’t think I’m TTC even x Ithink it’s fine not telling people but this seems like a deliberate act

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 15/02/2018 16:37

Just ask her why she didn't tell you. It has to be better than chewing it over in your head.

headhurtstoomuch · 15/02/2018 16:38

How odd. Does seem very deliberate. Did she think perhaps you were going to steal her thunder? Or would tell people she didn’t want to know?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 15/02/2018 16:39

Stole your thunder because she turned up to your house party pregnant? What did you expect her to do? Not come at all?

Have you considered the fact you had this attitude about it to be one of the reasons she hadn't told you about it?

TruJay · 15/02/2018 16:39

How strange? If she hadn't told any of you then it wouldn't have been an issue but no idea why she would only keep it secret from you.
I didn't tell anyone about dd and people just found out when I bumped into them, literally Grin but I had an mmc at 14 weeks that broke my heart so I didn't accept dd was actually coming until around 30 weeks so I just ignored the whole pregnancy.
I can't think why she would keep it a huge secret from only you and to be honest I'd be a bit hurt too.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 15/02/2018 16:40

Ie did she think you would react badly if she told you, so decided not to tell you?

PonderLand · 15/02/2018 16:40

Did you ever ring her in this time or try and meet up?

I never told anyone unless I saw them, I felt too awkward texting people saying 'I'm pregnant' when they couldn't be bothered to meet me, ring me or just generally see how I was doing. I just felt a bit like 'why would they care'.

If she's told other people who she doesn't see often then it's weird and it is singling you out. I think you need to ask her why. If she doesn't count you as a good friend then she's cheeky for turning up to your get together.

Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 16:40

ilovesooty Well I did really when I saw her and she just said she wanted to surprise me but I just don’t believe her. She seemed pleased with herself that I was so shocked. I think she had been planning it.

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 15/02/2018 16:41

It was also my housewarming and I feel like she’s stolen my thunder a little bit

I'm sorry but this makes you sound 12. While it is a bit strange that she didn't tell you, it does sound that you have a kind of mixed history together. Just be happy for her.

Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 16:41

ShowMePotatoSalad I don’t really care about that the silly housewarming. I think Om just upset in general. I thought we were close friends but obviously we aren’t.

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 15/02/2018 16:42

She seemed pleased with herself that I was so shocked. I think she had been planning it.

If you genuinely think this of her then it doesn't sound like you are particularly keen on her in any case. Maybe time to let this friendship slide?

Owllady · 15/02/2018 16:42

Maybe she'll grow up a bit when the baby is born

Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 16:42

WilburIsSomePig I agree it does and I could not have been more cheery and excited for her. I’m just sad now x

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 15/02/2018 16:43

But the fact you mentioned it suggests it's an issue. Do you have a rivalry with her? I do think it's relevant that you felt like she stole your thunder.

crispsandgin · 15/02/2018 16:43

It was also my housewarming and I feel like she’s stolen my thunder a little bit

This is why she doesn't tell you things, you're one of those all about me drama types.
Not everything is about you.

Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 16:44

PonderLand Yes we have spoke and texted but I have not been to see her in months as she lives at the other end of the country. She hasn’t been to see me either.

OP posts:
EatingSatsumas · 15/02/2018 16:44

I know of a similar situation except the other way round and the pregnant woman hadn’t told her friend because she said her friend hadn’t bothered to see her or properly ask her how she was throughout all of her pregnancy, so it just hadn’t come up in conversation. She was quite embarrassed about the way it was finally revealed but equally hurt that her so called friend hadn’t bothered with her for all those months. Any possibility you might have been quite wrapped up in your own life for the last seven months, OP?

Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 16:45

crispsandgin No I’m not and I would never say anything like this to anyone. I’m just projecting my hurt that’s all. I gave her a lovely evening and fussed over her all night x

OP posts:
dangerrabbit · 15/02/2018 16:47

A friend of mine who I had preciously thought I was close with did this to me. When I mentioned something later on in a light hearted way about being surprised she hadn’t mentioned it earlier she expressed annoyance that I hadn’t had the chance to meet up with her a few weeks earlier due to not having childcare (she had given no indication she had big news to share). I left it there for the sake of the group and made sure I made a big fuss of her baby when it arrived and passed on a few of my hints. But to be honest with you it soured our friendship a little bit and we’ve definitely been a bit more distant since then, I’ve given more attention to other friendships where I feel it’s a bit more equal between us and I know they like and trust me as I do them.

In your situation I wouldn’t bother confronting her as it might make the group awkward and she could tell people stuff and they would take her side as she is pregnant. So I’d just continue to be pleasant but not bother to share your business with her and keep your distance. Shame but there’s lots of other people out there who will make good friends.

dangerrabbit · 15/02/2018 16:48

Cross post - sounds like a sensible approach.

StillSadAboutDrGreene · 15/02/2018 16:48

some people prefer to tell things face to face, and this is the first time you have actually seen her. I don't see why you are making an issue about it, or putting a nasty slant on it.

Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 16:48

crispsandgin No I’ve never felt this way before with her, there’s never been any rivalry or jealously from me. She’s annoyed me before but never ever upset me. I don’t like being centre of attention at all but I know it makes me sound like a dick saying I’m upset by the housewarming thing but honestly I don’t really care. I just feel left out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 16:50

dangerrabbit I agree I think I’ll just leave it and keep my distance thanks for the advice x

OP posts:
OutyMcOutface · 15/02/2018 16:53

I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant unless they asked/I wanted to discuss something specific with them relating to it. It didn't seem necessary.

ittakes2 · 15/02/2018 16:55

I get the pregnancy, but not the house warming stealing thunder thing. That’s a sign something deeper is going on with you about needing to be the centre of attention.

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