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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend didn’t tell me she was pregnant

217 replies

Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 16:21

I name changed as this may be outing.

I was hosting a little get together at my house for a particular circle of friends. We’ve all known each other for 10 years and have (what I thought) was a fairly even relationship. Anyway my friends all turned up at the same time and I opened the door to one of the group very heavily pregnant.

I was gobsmacked! Turns out she’s about 7 1/2 months pregnant (has had no issues so far) through the evening it transpired that the others seemed to have all known about it.

I’m deeply upset by this.

AIBU to think this is odd behaviour and to feel really left out? We’ve spoken on the phone and exchanged texts recently. But I feel like she’s punishing me for not going to see her for a few months (she lives at the other end of the country). I feel like an idiot and not her proper friend and I feel like I cannot be bothered with her anymore.

It was also my housewarming and I feel like she’s stolen my thunder a little bit - but I know that’s a bit pathetic x

OP posts:
Jaygee61 · 16/02/2018 10:53

I think she’s jealous too. It does sound very much like she wanted to flaunt her pregnancy to you.

InsomniacAnonymous · 16/02/2018 15:24

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha "But what is also odd, if all the other friends knew about it, is that none of them mentioned it to you, or discussed it casually while you were present?"

She told the others not to tell the OP, so they didn't.

BubbleAndSquark · 16/02/2018 15:29

We didn't tell people about DC3, previous 2 pregnancies were premature and very premature so I wanted to keep it quiet until 24 weeks just incase, and by then people I'd seen knew from the bump.
With people I hadn't seen it wouldve seemed strange to suddenly bring up 'oh I'm 6 months pregnant' without having to go into why we hadn't said before this. So we just kept it as if I saw people they saw the bump and knew, and if not we announced his birth and they found out then.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 16/02/2018 17:07

InsomniacAnonymous, my friends wouldn't have gone along with that. Partly because we are a bunch of blabbermouths, but also because they would not be comfortable excluding one person unless there is a good reason for that.

Strongmummy · 16/02/2018 17:36

SHe probably doesn’t see you as you see her. You can’t control her feelings or thoughts. You have a right to feel hurt, but I’d let it go and move on. You may want to raise with her, but 1) you may not like what you hear 2) she’s about to be a new Mum and doesn’t need the drama

Viewofhedges · 16/02/2018 17:51

My (living some way away) friend did this. She knew I was struggling to conceive and going to have to consider ivf and how upset I was. She turned up to a lunch 8 months pregnant. It was very hurtful, and I’ve not seen her since. I still don’t know why she thought it was ok.

PolarBearkshire · 16/02/2018 17:53

Oh dear "stole your thunder"?? Didnt know house warming is all about showing off and attention? I thought its about celebrating tje move really with friends. Thats all
If you havent seen your "friend" for 7 1/2 months( or more??) if you dont communicate with her a lot to notice "vibe" then why should she announce her pregnancy to you? Most expecting mothers are ran off their feet these days.
Maybe think yourself why it could be that she didnt specifically call YOU to announce it..,

PolarBearkshire · 16/02/2018 17:56

This reply has been deleted

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manicmij · 16/02/2018 17:56

Seems she wanted to give you a surprise if she asked everyone not to tell. Ask her, something along if you intended to give me a surprise about the baby you certainly did that. Would have been nice to have known like the others, you feel you have missed out on the excitement.

DexyMidnight · 16/02/2018 17:56

I don't think it's nice to surprise people with pregnancy and put them on the spot unless you know for sure they'll be delighted for you (e.g. your parents).

I have had friends wait to tell me their big news in person and i hate it. I have conflicting emotions about other people's pregnancies (another story for another time) and although i say the right things ("lovely! Congrats! Tell me all about it!") it makes me feel exposed and vulnerable tbh.

I am hugely appreciative when people put it on FB or text me as then i can digest my feelings and be genuinely happy for them when i do see them face to face.

So no, you're not BU. Not only did she put you on the spot (not ideal imo), it sounds to me as if she wanted to make sure you felt second-best/excluded.

I agree though, that you shouldn't say anything (if my haunch is right she may be hoping for a reaction) and just let it go for the sake of your friendship with her and the circle.

Upsy1981 · 16/02/2018 18:06

To clarify, the OP hasn't had any issues with pregnancies that the friend was trying to protect her from.

The friend hasn't had any previous pregnancy issues which might give her (a perfectly understandable) cause to keep quiet for a while.

The friend told other friends by phone, therefore has no issue with not sharing the news in person.

The friend specifically asked it to be kept from OP, not nice if she was the only one kept in the dark.

OP visited the friend when friend was approx 1-2 months pregnant. Fair enough, the friend might not have wanted to share the news that early, or might not even have known BUT it does show that friend and OP have seen each other in the last 6 months which, given they live at opposite ends of the country, isn't bad going at all. So not like friend could claim they never see each other and potentially want to 'punish' OP for lack of contact.

For these reasons, I think the reason is jealousy.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 16/02/2018 18:08

Upst but the friend might have known the op was ttc and not pregnant yet

Ginkypig · 16/02/2018 18:09

Start treating/seeing her as an outer circle friend.

If she's on the outer circle then emotionally she won't matter and therefore be able to cause you pain the same way as your inner circle (the people closest to you)

Personally though if she lives so far and you won't miss her just let the friendship drift it'll either sort itself out because you both will make an effort due to caring for and missing each other or you'll gradually lose touch because you don't really mean that much to each other.

Upsy1981 · 16/02/2018 18:10

But OP has said she hasn't told anyone she is TTC, only her and her DH know.

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 16/02/2018 18:12

I said before everyone assumes a couple is ttc when they hit a certain age!

BerylStreep · 16/02/2018 18:12

OP, I understand where you're coming from, I think. I think I would feel quite publicly humiliated in front of my other friends that they all new but had been instructed not to tell me.

Is it her first child?

jayne1976 · 16/02/2018 18:13

I think your instinct is right, she wants everyone to jump to her tune, and your seemed refusal to trek to see her due to having a life besides her obviously need punishing (telling others not to tell you as well is near bullying all of you and putting others in tough positions), Tough in a group, but maybe don’t contact her so much unless in a group thing to fade contact on your terms, if she doesn’t contact you individually then any failure to remain friends can’t be put on you. She clearly wanted to make it clear you were not close

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 16/02/2018 18:14

I would assume a childless couple of mine were struggling to conceive if I knew they wanted children and were in a position to have them and yet weren’t pregmant within a few months or so. Ttc is not easily hidden actually. It’s just no one talks about it unless the couple raises it as it’d be pretty tactless to do so

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 16/02/2018 18:15

People assume it even more if 1) you’ve just got married and 2) you are in your 30s

Mummyontherun86 · 16/02/2018 18:15

A had a friend who didn’t tell anyone, even when it was craz crazy obvious. Her mental health wasn’t great and she was spotting continuously. Almost certainly not about you. People be weird but it’s usally not unkindness but pain and fear at play.

Upsy1981 · 16/02/2018 18:26

Really? I wouldn't assume anything about people TTC. And why has friend not assumed the same about the rest of the friendship circle? Why is it only OP who has been singled out for this special consideration? In fact, that's a good question - OP, are your friends all in similar circumstances/ages?

Upsy1981 · 16/02/2018 18:27

Also, bearing in mind that friend knew OP was in the middle of buying a house, any assumption made would surely be that they were waiting to be settled in their new home before TTC?

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 16/02/2018 18:32

It’s a good point about the house upsy

danTDM · 16/02/2018 18:53

OK, the selfless 'friend' thought she would spare OPs feelings as she was TTC and not tell her she was pregnant, just turn up very pregnant, shock her, put her on the spot, and exclude her as everyone else but OP knows.

So 'considerate friend' scenario does not work at all methinks.
Makes sense Hmm??

WonderLime · 16/02/2018 19:06

I actually think it's just more likely that she wanted to see your reaction in person, and not hear it over the phone.

How long ago did she tell your other friends?