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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend didn’t tell me she was pregnant

217 replies

Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 16:21

I name changed as this may be outing.

I was hosting a little get together at my house for a particular circle of friends. We’ve all known each other for 10 years and have (what I thought) was a fairly even relationship. Anyway my friends all turned up at the same time and I opened the door to one of the group very heavily pregnant.

I was gobsmacked! Turns out she’s about 7 1/2 months pregnant (has had no issues so far) through the evening it transpired that the others seemed to have all known about it.

I’m deeply upset by this.

AIBU to think this is odd behaviour and to feel really left out? We’ve spoken on the phone and exchanged texts recently. But I feel like she’s punishing me for not going to see her for a few months (she lives at the other end of the country). I feel like an idiot and not her proper friend and I feel like I cannot be bothered with her anymore.

It was also my housewarming and I feel like she’s stolen my thunder a little bit - but I know that’s a bit pathetic x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 17:18

mimibunz No she does play games they are just normally petty and so small I don’t care

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 17:18

sirlee66 she called the others

OP posts:
Whoville · 15/02/2018 17:19

I think the 'stolen thunder' is distracting people.
What she did was downright weird, why tell everyone except you? That is exclusion.
Was the reason you're upset about the house warming aspect because she put you on a back foot/made you feel embarrassed and confused in your new home?

I personally would've spent the whole evening going over and over it in my head trying to guess what she was up to while trying to keep a smile plastered on my face so I didn't upset anyone even though one of my best mates has just upset me in my new home for no good reason. I'm projecting here massively but this how I would feel in this situation.

Going forward the friendship will always be soured now I guess so just tell her nothing of importance, keep emotionally distant and let the friendship drift a bit if I were you.

Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 17:20

*SM2132

I think it is a dig to make you feel foolish that everybody knew but you. Like you say, to punish you for not keeping in touch more! I couldn't be bothered with someone like that in my life. Don't worry about her-she sounds like an attention seeker.* I think this is spot on. I can’t be bothered with the mind games

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StillSadAboutDrGreene · 15/02/2018 17:21

I think it is a dig to make you feel foolish that everybody knew but you. Like you say, to punish you for not keeping in touch more!

How do people get through life being this mean and paranoid? This is a bizarre and horrible interpretation which says more about you than them. It's amazing you have any friends if this is how you think about people!

ladybirdsarelovely33 · 15/02/2018 17:24

I know someone who did this. She lived abroad but didn't tell even her very close friends until she was 6 months. We all though it odd. She is actually generally very nice.
However it was still odd.
Your friend sounds quite immature. Did her other friends go and see her which is why she told them?

alotalotalot · 15/02/2018 17:24

I'm not into people who play games like that. I would be backing off.

sirlee66 · 15/02/2018 17:24

Cor, blimey, OP! She sounds like a bit of a high maintenance oddity!

I'd feel the same in your position but it's probably for the best. You know now for future she's a bit of strange one and won't take her odd actions personally.

Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 17:24

Whoville Everything you said is correct! I was doing my best acting all night, but truly upset inside.

The stole my thunder bit is silly really and the only reason I thought that was because of a phone call we last had. She got angry at people being able to afford Houses’s and she didn’t understand how people could and was quite annoyed that lots of people get help from parents. So that’s my only thinking really that she was trying to steel my thunder because she’s jealous of my tiny shitty house 😂 stupid but I don’t know what’s going on in her head.

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Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 17:25

StillSadAboutDrGreene maybe your right

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MissingInActionInNam · 15/02/2018 17:31

She sounds a bit unhinged. Keep your dignity and walk away from her

Lizzie48 · 15/02/2018 17:31

It does sound a little passive aggressive not telling you, I have to say, especially if she really was getting her own back on you for not going to visit her. A bit childish on the part of a woman who is about to be a mum. Hmm

You'll have to decide whether you want to move past it or sever the friendship.

SM2132 · 15/02/2018 17:32

*stillsad It is pretty weird behavior to tell everyone else not to tell OP that she is pregnant! Why the big secret if not to seek attention?!

danTDM · 15/02/2018 17:33

OP I would also have thought 'are you 12?' until recently. But I don't now, at all.

For spectacularly unhelpful reasons I can't explain why. However, I think you are trying to work out the friendship dynamic of doing something so attention seeking and ostracising within your friendship group. It was a hostile move IMO.

It is an unpleasant feeling. I have gone NC with my 'person' and will remain so. I suggest past jealousy on her part.

Horrid and a very passive aggressive thing to do. Flowers

StillSadAboutDrGreene · 15/02/2018 17:33

I know someone who did this. She lived abroad but didn't tell even her very close friends until she was 6 months. We all though it odd. She is actually generally very nice.However it was still odd

It's not odd. I did the same because after five losses I didn't want to talk to anyone about it unless it was necessary. Nice to know people were probably going on about how odd it was and being dicks about it though Hmm

You're all horrible. Nobody owes you their business or news, you don't have any claims on their pregnancies or anything, and being so horrible about people simply not mentioning something until they actually see you is childish and nasty.

itsmeimcathyivecomehome · 15/02/2018 17:34

Well, your instincts are often right. If she has form for handing out "punishments"/emotional blackmail then you're probably right. I would just see it as her issue, not yours.

Lots of luck with TTC, hope you have good news soonSmile

Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 17:35

StillSadAboutDrGreene That’s a fair point and understandable after what you’ve been through x. She’s had no issues though

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Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 17:39

danTDM It’s a truly horrible feeling to realise that your friend actually hates you! I think she hates me

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MrsDilber · 15/02/2018 17:40

If have had to have asked why she didn't tell you, not in a mean way, in a genuine question way, whilst gushing about what great news it was.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 15/02/2018 17:45

Stillsad - no if she was concerned about previous losses then why tell every other friend. Just not op?

I totally understand not wanting to broadcast a pregnancy after losses. I also had three before dc2. Sorry for your losses Flowers

But to deliberately ostracise the op, telling the other friends AND telling them not to tell the op. It's odd. She's done it deliberately to upset the op. I couldn't be dealing with it personally. I'm also a bit surprised the other friends went along with it - what did she say to them as to the reason to keep it a surprise?

Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 17:48

aaaaargghhhhelpme Shes has no losses or issues at all. In fact she was showing off her pregnancy yoga moves and telling us how she hadn’t had any morning sickness. She got pregnant on her second month trying too x

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Original poster
Ilovemycat2018 · 15/02/2018 17:49

aaaaargghhhhelpme She said she wanted to surprise me

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OliviaStabler · 15/02/2018 17:50

She is no friend if yours.

danTDM · 15/02/2018 17:51

Ilovemycat I agree with you 100%. She was trying to make you look like a fool too.

Stillsad but you didn't tell absolutely EVERYONE else, did you? Leaving out ONE SPECIFIC person? That's the point.

It's keeping a BIG secret from just the OP, laughing at her, in a way. I am so sorry for your situation stillsad, I do think it was entirely different and understandable though Flowers

ladybirdsarelovely33 · 15/02/2018 17:51

Stillsad
Well this was my friend's fourth child and she had never had any losses. Every one would have been delighted to hear this good news as we were when we heard.
It is odd not to tell close friends this news.