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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have my birth how I want?!?

109 replies

ftmtb · 07/02/2018 22:51

When I give birth I want it to just be me and my OH, and then I want it to stay just us for a good few hours AT LEAST afterwards before anyone visits... for the first feed and all of that.

I feel like it's time we'll never get back and I want me and my OH to enjoy those first few hours with our baby together.

My family and OH seem to think this is an awful thing Angry

My mum is begging to be there even though I know she will badger me and annoy me and I'll end up snapping and she will sulk

My OH wants his mum there which even though we get on well I don't want her there while I'm giving birth!!!

It's both our parents first grandchild so I get it's a big deal but it's also my first baby and I don't want any stress and I want to do it how I want... AIBU????

OP posts:
thepatchworkcat · 07/02/2018 22:53

YANBU and you get to choose who is at the birth. End of! I get on very well with my mum and MIL but wouldn’t dream of having them there while I gave birth!

HappyintheHills · 07/02/2018 22:53

Nope not unreasonable at all.

Fluffyears · 07/02/2018 22:53

No you are the patient. How about the whole family attend DH’s prostate check. You will have your most intimate area on display and it isn’t a spectator sport. Tell do he either listens to you or he doesn’t even get to go!

A1Sharon · 07/02/2018 22:54

YANBU. Make it very clear from the outset that this is non negotiable. It's not about them it's about you, so they just have to back off. If it's a home birth have a chain on the door so they can't get in!Wink
Just a word though, births don't always go to plan as you wish, be prepared for things to go tits up and for you not to have your 'dream birth' either. Sometimes interventions are needed.
I hope it all goes well for you though, good luck!

Fluffyears · 07/02/2018 22:55

Also what your OH wants is not relevant as he’s not pushing a baby out of his genitals.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/02/2018 22:55

Are you having a home or hospital birth?

Original poster
ftmtb · 07/02/2018 22:56

Thank you all!!!! I'm glad people agree with meGrin I'll be having a hospital birth

OP posts:
DrWhy · 07/02/2018 22:57

Nope, just don’t tell them you’ve gone into labour! Send them a photo of you and the baby when you feel ready for them to descend! I love my mum dearly but absolutely no way did I want her at the birth. My in-laws turned up the next day and even that was awful!

Roseandmabelshouse · 07/02/2018 22:57

Was your mother in law there when you conceived? No? Then she shouldn't expect to be there when you give birth.

You will be doing an intimate thing, probably naked. You beed privacy and security and your husband should be the one who understands that most b

Justmuddlingalong · 07/02/2018 22:57

The staff on the ward can act as a buffer between you and overzealous relatives.

Original poster
ftmtb · 07/02/2018 22:58

The way everyone has been going on it's made me feel so guilty!! Even my sister (who has no children) has made a huge deal! How dare I not have my mum there! Been stressing me out really badly :(

OP posts:
Inertia · 07/02/2018 22:59

You are the patient, it is entirely up to you.

If your mum would make you stressed, don't have her there.

When your DH has any kind of medical procedure which involves his genitalia being on display, he can invite who he likes.

It isn't a spectator sport- you need to feel supported.

FrozenMargarita17 · 07/02/2018 22:59

YANBU. I had a home birth and they knew I was planning this so I was easily reachable as no visiting hours to stop people and we told them all that they would not get notification of me being in labour. I didn't want people stressing me out while I was busy! I'd had weeks of people bugging me with 'is she here yet?!' Because I was 2 weeks late. We told them a good few hours after we were ready and said they could visit later that day.

My mum was furious that I would not be telling her I was in labour. She slammed doors and refused to talk while in my house and left early even though I'd made dinner. I wouldn't budge.

Just keep information to the minimum and your life will be easier !

Duckies · 07/02/2018 22:59

Tell your midwife about the pressure you are under and she said help keep extended family away. I know our local hospital has rules about visitors which have the effect of keeping GPs and ILs away from Mum and newborn until both are ready.

Argeles · 07/02/2018 23:00

Write it in your birth plan that you only want you and your DH present at the birth.

Tell your midwife during your appointment that the family are putting pressure on you, and you do not want them there. Ask them if there is anything they can do to stop visitors coming when you don’t want them.

Don’t tell anyone when you go into labour.

If your DH is still being deeply unreasonable about it, give him an ultimatum, and tell him that he either accompanies you and no one else, or you’ll give birth without him.

Inertia · 07/02/2018 23:00

Just don't tell anyone when you go into labour.

BackforGood · 07/02/2018 23:00

Of course YANBU.
I wouldn't even discuss it with them.
I'm quite frnakly stunned by the 'family gatherings' that seem to happen on One Born Every Minute. For me, and everyone I've ever asked the question of, birth was how you describe it - just the 2 parents + midwife and a couple of dozen other medics in the case of dc1 .
Absolutely not got anything to do with anyone else.
I wouldn't tell them when you go into labour. Just let them know {several hours} after the birth.

GummyGoddess · 07/02/2018 23:00

He should get how unreasonable he is being after he has been there. My DH was rather unreasonable about "our" labour (I put a thread on here and it was unanimous that he was being an idiot).

No, your mother does not get to stare at your genitals if you don't want her to.

No, your mother in law does not get to stare at your genitals if you don't want her to.

Frankly your OH is also completely unnecessary for you to give birth and you would be within your rights to ban him. It is a privilege to be invited to a birth, not a right!

Have you been on antenatal courses? If so was it not explained to you both that women who are relaxed are more likely to have straightforward labours than ones who are incredibly stressed and anxious?

DartmoorDoughnut · 07/02/2018 23:01

Your body your decision

Knittedfairies · 07/02/2018 23:01

If they weren’t there at conception, they don't get to be there at birth.

Super123 · 07/02/2018 23:01

YADNBU. It's absolutely your choice and your wishes definitely override OH's. The last thing you need is any uncertainty or stress in labour.

My Mum is my best friend, but she was never there when I gave birth. As for having my mother in law there - not a cat in hell's chance!

You decide what you want and make sure OH realises it is not negotiable.

After I gave birth to my fourth, I kept her tucked down my shirt for hours skin to skin. It was such a precious time.

FinallyFree123456789 · 07/02/2018 23:02

I only had my mum there as I had broke up with baby’s dad.
I had DD at 1am - so the hospital didn’t allow anyone until 10am the next day when visiting started and even then it was only 2 people at a time; I had no complications and was on a ward with others.
It’s not unreasonable to want whoever you want in the room - if you only want your OH then so be it! Is there any reason why you would need to tell them when you’ve gone into labour?
They should respect your wishes - this is your baby, stand your ground :-)

QueenNefertitty · 07/02/2018 23:02

Fuck them right off.
Births go "better" generally, when women can have dim light, few distractions, and feel "homely"- check out Spiritual Midwifery.... also have a look at a hypnobirthing book- they give you ideas of how you might like to give birth - and not a one of them involves packing in unwanted relatives like it's a Boxing Day buffet.

Someoneasdumbasthis · 07/02/2018 23:02

Fuck that!!

Oysterbabe · 07/02/2018 23:04

Our hospital only lets you have one birth partner anyway. I'd have no trouble telling them all to knob off and they can see the baby when you're ready for them.

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