To have my birth how I want?!?

[ftmtb]

When I give birth I want it to just be me and my OH, and then I want it to stay just us for a good few hours AT LEAST afterwards before anyone visits... for the first feed and all of that.

I feel like it's time we'll never get back and I want me and my OH to enjoy those first few hours with our baby together.

My family and OH seem to think this is an awful thing

My mum is begging to be there even though I know she will badger me and annoy me and I'll end up snapping and she will sulk

My OH wants his mum there which even though we get on well I don't want her there while I'm giving birth!!!

It's both our parents first grandchild so I get it's a big deal but it's also my first baby and I don't want any stress and I want to do it how I want... AIBU????

[HolyShet]

The hospital will not want, and may not allow 76 people there to watch you giving birth.

I'd strongly suggest not telling anyone until after the baby is born.

It helps no-one to know you are in labour.

[Ginaxx]

NeedsAsockamnesty - can I ask why you mentioned that about longing for the days when fathers weren't there? I just wondered what your experience was. I'm having a baby soon and I'm just dreading giving birth in front of my OH, he is lovely and we are close I just want it to be private and he tends to stress and flap a lot, but I think he would be really hurt if I said that. X

[blueletter]

I gave birth alone OP and It was bliss. Absolute bliss.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

gina

For no other reason than since it became expected that dad’s would be there some idiot dads have used it as an opourtunity to apply pressure to the woman because they now think it’s their right amd ofcourse that includes them having their own mothers also there to support them emotionally.

It’s not a right.

But fwiw I’ve given birth recently and back when it was as normal to not have them in the room as it was to have them in the room both have there place but you need to feel ok with it and so does he. have you actually asked him how he feels honestly? He may be as freaked out and may well know he gets stressed amd faffs but may be feeling pressure because it’s the done thing.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Emma

It’s not a stupid thing to pick someone up on. She’s specified hours, not a day not 2 days not even a week but HOURS. It’s normal to leave people in peace to recover after delivery my local hospital won’t let anybody in who wasn’t your birthing partner for the first 6 hours.

Why on earth should anybody feel the need to compromise when it’s hours she’s asking for.

[Ginaxx]

Thanks for the reply. Yes I think he's feeling under pressure but I know he wants to be there (or at least he said he does, I'll bring it up again). To be honest I have already told him if I want him to leave he has to clear off! I'll see how I feel when it happens I'm just scared that he'll put me off if that makes sense. In terms of having anyone else there that's a big no, my mum just presumed she would be invited too, I can't think of anything worse!

[Roseandmabelshouse]

It will put you off. Your labouring body is controlled by oxytocin. A hormone which responds to privacy and feeling un-observed. You could find a lot of scientific evidence to back up your position on this! That if they are there you are unlikely to progress well in labour

[KatharinaRosalie]

You are not unreasonable. This is not a performance. It's about you, the people here should be only the ones you want there for support. And yes, that includes husbands. Luckily mine obeyed the order to sit in the corner, shut up and not to disturb me.
Having faffing MIL and mum there - OMG no.

[Snowydaysarehere]

Ask your dh if he would be happy to sit there with his genitals hanging out while your family were there.
Tell them coach trips to x hospital are cancelled and only those who were there for the conception +mw are to be in the room.

[AndInShortIWasAfraid]

I had the same conversation with my 'D'M at the weekend. I have never ever expressed any desire to have her anywhere near during labour. She screamed and shouted when I suggested that my husband and the father of my child would be the one to support me. She then screamed that I lived too far away for her to take care of me and wanted me to move into her house. She got really nasty when I said no? Yanbu, OP. Don't let them grind you down, it isn't the bloody cinema.

[KimmySchmidt1]

Oh. My. God. Your OH and his family and your mother must be fucking morons if they think that you or OH are going to be in any fit state to see them during the birth and in the hours after it!

Childbirth is a massive sweaty screaming bloody mess - they need to fuck right off until you have at least had a shower, fed your baby and had a sleep!

Do not let anyone in the hospital if you don’t want to, and see people at home as and when you at ready.

Has your OH read about the sort of vaginal and anal injuries you might have? Does he understand you might end up having an emergency Caesarian?

Either he is supremely ignorant or he thinks you are a piece of meat hosting his offspring that he owns and can Do what he wants with.

If my DH played this bull I would literally go crazy at him. Who the f does he think he is?

You need to get him reading about all the grim realities and get him putting you first.

[Soubriquet]

My nan tried to be there for my first birth.

She drove us to the hospital, settled in the room and said oooo I'm going to stay and see the baby being born.

Both me and Dh quickly said no you're not. We want to do this alone. Plus she was driving me crackers already taking the piss of me trying to breathe through contractions

She wasn't happy at all but that was what we wanted. She did leave about half an hour later. Before anything major happened

[MycatsaPirate]

Bloody hell. No, just no. It's not a spectator sport or a fucking day out. It's you pushing your body to the extreme to bring new life into the world.

I would have hated to have had a load of people gawking at me while I laboured. It's undignified and messy. And then I ended up having an emergency C-section. The last thing I'd have needed was a bunch of hysterical relatives bringing more chaos to the proceedings.

Would they want to come and watch you have a smear? Have surgery? What about popping along to watch you have a check up at the dentist?

Just no, no no. And definitely make sure the doors are closed when you've given birth because those first few hours are wonderfully precious. Just lay there having skin to skin contact and breathing in the scent of your new baby. Don't be pressured into visitors who will want to pass the baby round like a parcel.

[Ohforfoxsakereturns]

I didn’t even want H then when I had mine. In fact Dc4 was just me and the MW.

Make sure you are explicit in your birthing plan (some people don’t think these matter but I felt better for writing it down). Tell the MW. They have experience of keeping the unwanted away.

Stick to your guns. Birthing is unpredictable. You are vulnerable. It is undignified. The last thing you want is an audience when you shit yourself. (Completely normal and the MWs are very discreet).
You might end up in stirrups.
You might end up in theatre.
You might breathe the baby out and then decide you want to show him or her off to the entire family placenta and all.

You might be delivering the placenta or getting stitched up and your newborn is being handed around the grannies. Fuck that.

Those first moments are precious. I just can’t begin to tell you.

This is the last time you get to dictate what you want. You’re about to have a small person dictate your life. Stick to your guns.

[Pinkprincess1978]

Of course not! As someone else said, your birth, your choice!

My mum lives abroad and came back for birth of my first and although I know she wanted to be there I didn't want her there (for same reasons as you by the sounds of it!). My mother in law said she would come to the hospital and wait outside 'to support her son!' I made it clear to my husband that he was there to support me so how would he have time to be supported?!

As it turned out I was induced the first time and labour was long and ended up as a c section in the early hours of the morning and I can't remember DH leaving my side so it's a good job she didn't come 😀

You are usually kept on the labour ward for a while anyway and usually no visitors other than DH are allowed so you will be able to decide when you have visitors.

[Mammyloveswine]

With my first my mil was ringing me throughout labour... they travelled up whilst i was in labour and were parked outside the hospital waiting to visit! Luckily ds1 wasnt born until late at night. When dh rang to tell them he said visiting was 2-4 pm so that gave us the night and the next morning.

With ds2 i had to ring my dad as they were having ds1.. great fun dressing the toddler mid-contraction whilst my dad sat and drank tea... anyway ds2 was a really quick labour, 3 hours from arrival to having him plus the hospital was closed to visitors due to norovirus. We were home the same day and was lovely getting time with just the new bab6 before my parents brought the toddler the next day and in laws arrived.

Just dont tell anyone youre in labour... then ring when you're ready for visitors! You don't know how the birth will be... you might need stitches, you might end up with a csection and be recovering from major surgery. You might feel great and have everyone round (i did this after ds1... wouldn't advise as i ended up sitting on the floor 24 hours after giving birth whilst everyone else had the comfy sofas).

Good luck with the birth op!:stay strong and dont be bullied into having visitors until you are ready.

[specialsubject]

Body functions are not a spectator sport and this one is no exception. Brief the hospital for no visitors and announce the birth when you are ready. Turn off mobiles and vanish.

[pinkie1982]

DP wanted it to be just us but... he had feinted years ago when he has his son and I asked my mum to come in for support during the birth just in case that happened again and then I would have had no one! He eventually agreed, he didn't feint but he was happy my mum was there in the end.

its entirely your choice. I think it would just have been the two of us if he didn't have that feinting experience before!

[KatharinaRosalie]

and as others have said, do not tell them when you're in labor. Even if you have agreed they will not be there, I have read too many stories on MN about 'surprise' visitors barging into delivery rooms.

[TheShaniaTwainExperience]

Just don’t tell anyone else that you’re in labour. Only contact them when you’re ready for them to know.

[TheShaniaTwainExperience]

Ah yes sorry cross posts.
Dw op, take control. And good luck!

[Groinyo]

Tell your husband it is your birth and if he wants to be there no one will be made aware of the baby until you gave the say so a few hours later. A lot of men fuck this up and it causes resentment for years. No NO NO to your MIL being anywhere near your vagina.

[Groinyo]

Warn the hospital that no one is to come until later.

[Opensesame1]

Tell them all to get fucked. Use those exact words!!! Your body and completely your choice.. when the time comes that ur dh has to push a child out his willy he can have whoever the fuck he wants there!

I actually did have my dp and dm with me as this is what I wanted and I needed them there for different reasons. I would be making it very clear now what your wishes are and if they aren’t happy about respecting these (dp included!!!) then they won’t be welcome at the hospital at all.. they can wait until you contact them.

The entitlement of some people!! My dp would be in the dog house if I thought he was taking the side of dm and dsm over something this important to me!!

[JassyRadlett]

Christ, with DS2 it took more than a few hours before placenta was delivered, midwife brought colleagues in to admire size of baby, placenta and cord, I was stitched up, had my stitches checked and was even ready for the porter to take me across to the ward.

YANBU, OP. You have no idea how things will go or how you feel. You are giving birth. This one is about you. Anyone trying to make it about themselves needs to have a serious reality check.