To have my birth how I want?!?

[ftmtb]

When I give birth I want it to just be me and my OH, and then I want it to stay just us for a good few hours AT LEAST afterwards before anyone visits... for the first feed and all of that.

I feel like it's time we'll never get back and I want me and my OH to enjoy those first few hours with our baby together.

My family and OH seem to think this is an awful thing

My mum is begging to be there even though I know she will badger me and annoy me and I'll end up snapping and she will sulk

My OH wants his mum there which even though we get on well I don't want her there while I'm giving birth!!!

It's both our parents first grandchild so I get it's a big deal but it's also my first baby and I don't want any stress and I want to do it how I want... AIBU????

Tell your husband that when he is willing to show his genitals to his mother-in-law (and potentially pass various bodily fluids in front of her) that you'll listen to his requests.

I agree, the calmer and quieter the birth, the more likely it is to go well.

Whatever happens, it's your body and your choice.

That’s a good point, flobella. OP, you could mention to him that your mum is keen to watch his vasectomy.

Leaving aside the fact that you don't want them there in labour.

I agree with @MycatsaPirate that the first period of time with your baby is very very precious. I didn't want to hand mine to anybody else, he was only briefly away from me while DH and MW1 helped me get up off the floor(I had made a little towel nest to sit on while waiting for the placenta and then I got pins and needles) and in that brief time she managed to weigh and measure DC, put a nappy on at the speed of light and was waiting to hand him back to me as soon as I had been settled into bed by DH and MW1.

If you've spent hours (or days in some cases) doing your best to bring them into the world, then the last thing you want to do is have them removed from you. All I wanted was to try and feed DC, snuggle him and relax and calm down after the huge hormone surge of giving birth and subsequent exhaustion from the exertion and blood loss. If I'd had to hand him over to anybody within the first few hours I would have been in tears.

It is also recommended that baby has skin to skin for at least 1-2 hours after birth, that does not involve passing baby to other people which you know would happen if the grandmothers were there. Skin to skin isn't just to help you bond with baby, it's to help baby adjust to their world which has just been turned inside out as well as having their first experience of pain, hunger, loud noise, bright lights, etc.

Yadnbu. Do it your way. They'll survive not seeing baby even for a day or two of that's what you need. I did everything my way apparently I didn't let my mother know quick enough baby was here (an hour after birth) she's not spoke to me since. Apparently she's the most important person and I should have let her know the moment baby was born. She's never met my daughter she's now 7 months. People named to get a grip. Don't stress yourself

I don't get the entitlement of some people. Your the one giving birth so it is your choice who's there. I only wanted my dh, I didn't even want anyone to know that I was in Labour. Which didn't work because I was in hospital for monitoring, my dad phoned and I was talking to him when baby's heart rate dropped and I was surrounded by midwives, my poor dad on the other end of the phone hung up and called my dh in a panic haha. I know that I hate being fussed over when I'm I'll, so I knew having other people around would stress me out. Thankfully my dh knows this so he sat at the side of me, didn't touch me cause I hate that and let me stick my headphones in until the complications started. You need someone to support you and advocate for you not an audience

Yanbu.
Your body and your birth.
Don't tell them when you go into labour and tell the hospital staff you don't want them turning up to look for you.

I was advised by a work-mate to invite EVREYBODY on the same day, but at hourly or 2 hourly intervals. So couple 1 turn up at 10, you are feeding baby so you ask them would they mind making a cup of tea/coffee and doing last nights washing up (when they ask if there's anything to do). At 11 or 12 couple 2 arrive, baby gets a quick pass round for a cuddle so you can go to the loo and couple 2 ask what they can do to help: Hoovering, or filling the washing machine / hanging the washing perhaps? ThenCouple 3 arrive so couple 1 feel its crowded and go, couple 3 can make lunch and so-on.
All in all the day is chaotic, but then you legitimately have several days of NO visitors, and repeat a day of visitors if needs be at the weekend.

Oh my god YANBU at all! It was bad enough that DH watched the midwife catching bits of my poo in a net let alone anyone else

YANBU. We didn't even have any visitors until about 4 days afterwards! I had a terrible time having to stay in hospital after the birth as LO just would not feed and I was too emotional, watching all other new mums come and then go home with their LOs, to hold it together for visitors.

Both sets of grandparents were invited as soon as we felt ready to deal with visitors and they came as soon as was convenient for them after the invitation. We did prep the grandparents before the birth that we'd message when ready for visitors as we wanted some special "us and baby" time together.

From your title I thought you were talking about ‘free birthing’ which is without any medical professional.

Having people you don’t want at the birth will stress you out, slowing down your labour and leading to a high risk birth for you and your baby. Ask your partner while he thinks having his Mum there is more important than yours and your baby’s lives.

YANBU. Luckily I went in earlier than due date so me and partner snook in, never told anybody.
Once baby was born and had a good rest, then we did the ringing around and told them they could come in on the evening visit.

Everybody had the same reaction - complete surprise and delight. Not one person moaned that we didn't tell them about being in labour.

Do it your way.

I think GummyGoddess has made a good point - surely the more people in the room, the more overwhelming it is for the baby too? It must be overwhelming anyway so surely the best thing for baby is to be born into a quiet room, with as few people there as possible, and to go straight to the safety of mum and stay there for as long as possible? I've never really thought of it like this but it seems kind of cruel that a baby gets passed round within just a few hours of being born when all they probably want is the safety and sanctity of their mum...

There's no way the hospital will allow 3 birth partners anyway or immediate visiting, so DH needs to wise up. He is being really selfish here by not listening to you. I would be very angry in your shoes.

As a mw, I find often 2 birth partners creates a less relaxed atmosphere and I find mothers in particular often try to push the labourer into having an epidural etc and they often are very on edge and create anxiety.

I just wouldn't tell anyone when you go in, or for a couple of hours after.

Don't tell them when you are going in to give birth. Do not post an update. Tell them after the event. hide partner's phone

I love my mum but I didn’t want her there. Both her and my sister think I’m a ‘prude’ because of this.

If you think they’ll just show up - don’t tell them when you go into labour. If you think your husband will tell them anyway - tell your midwife that no one else is allowed to visit.

Otherwise, just tell them ‘you’ll think about it’ and refuse to discuss it as it stressing you out. All the while obviously you know you have no intention of letting them in.

Why people (not you, them) get so up in arms about this is beyond me.

No way. My birth was a private affair in hospital. We didn't tell anyone I was in labour. We called the grandparents about 5 hours after baby was born after we had enjoyed some precious time with him, had my stitches, recovered a bit from the physical impact of Labour. No one minded. Your baby your rules! No way would I have wanted anyone else there during the labour / just after.

He can have his mum there, if you can take your friend along the next time a doctor sticks his hand up his bottom for his prostate check.

You're the patient. You decide.

Make sure you tell the hospital that under no circumstances is anyone else to join you when you have the baby, everyone is banned except OH and they will respect that.... and tell that that OH doesn't get a choice either. And squeeze his hand lots when you give birth!!

Wow that is unbelievable how unreasonable all your family are being. How dare they put pressure on you and make you stressed like this! The birth of a child is not a spectator event and as it's your first you have enough to think about without all this aggro!

Put your foot down. If they carry on show them all this thread so they can see how utterly ridiculous and inappropriate they are being.

This is what I'm dreading about baby no 2. It actually put a huge damper on the whole thing last time.
Traumatic birth, resulting in complicated surgery
Discharged myself form hospital early because it was too noisy to rest with everyone else's visitors squealing and shouting
Which resulted in every relative thinking it's fine to bombard my mobile, landline and knock at the door
MIL was the worst as they were both really poorly with sickness/flu type bug and still talks about how she was "robbed" because I wouldn't let her near my newborn while she was still sick.
DH was fully on board too and also got pissed off with everyone. He was very good at fighting them off but they also won't take no for an answer.

I'm thinking of not telling anyone apart from my parents that dc2 is here as they are watching dc1. Not sure that's going to go down well though

I just wanted to add that I was extremely lucky and actually had a really lovely birth, mostly to plan, no stitches, etc and surprisingly no pooping. I STILL wouldn't have wanted anyone else there to witness it, it was private, quiet and calm and when DC was born he didn't even cry. He had to be prodded by the midwives into doing a tiny cry for their checks (which he passed with full marks, he was just very calm).

Good luck with birth and baby!

Forgot to add op, I'd seriously show him this thread. It's hard enough if you're other half is on board and you've got an overbearing family, let alone if he's not on the same page!!!

I was so shocked at how vulnerable I felt after giving birth and it's really not the time to be having these conversations. Good luck x

You're usually only allowed 2 birth partners, max. So just say you didn't want to give one mum preferential treatment over the other and have it be just you and DH.

I've just remembered I have a very vague due date. Baby is due end of c month (she was actually due at the beginning).