To think small children in boarding schools aren’t there because they want to be?

[SwearyG]

I am trying to unpick some of the gaslighting from my family at the moment and one of the things I am constantly told about being sent off to board at age 8 (I took the entrance exam on my eighth birthday) was that “you begged to go”.

I have no memory of this “begging” and neither does my DS (3 years older) but it is written into family lore and used by my parents as the reason that I was sent. I can’t make head nor tail of this as an adult as I certainly wouldn’t put that sort of decision in the hands of a child. It’s presented as my choice and nothing to do with them.

AIBU to think they’re gaslighting me and it was their choice to put me into boarding school, and not something any parent would do because their child asked or “begged”?

But, i suppose actually everyone who sends their kids, if they are competent, are 'not willing' intrinsically

My other half was sent to boarding school aged 7 and cried every night for weeks. His parents knew he hated it and desperately wanted to come home but state they did it because it was seen as a way of improving him by moving him “upwards” socially and toughening him up. I couldn’t comprehend how any mother could send their 7yr old child to boarding school because theres no way I would send mine when their need to have a loving mother around was so obvious. However looking at it now with older eyes I’m certain that she wasn’t a good mother and as hard as boarding school was on him staying at home under her influence would have been far more damaging (she is a strong believer in using physical violence and has directly told me I “spare the rod and spoil the child” because I don’t hit my children). So I’m wondering if you have issues with your parents gaslighting that perhaps the decision to send you to boarding school was encouraged by one parent to remove you from the potentially toxic environment? I think that was a motivator in his case.

I would define begging as going on and on about wanting something over an extended period of time. I’m sure you would remember if that had been the case.

DS went to a school where boarding was possible, and some kids did board from 8. He did ask a couple of times if he could board, but I wouldn’t class that as him begging us either.

"If you genuinely don't have any issues stemming from it then I don't see anything wrong with putting them straight and saying 'it was fine but I didn't chose to go'. I agree that it's most likely guilt talking."

This is such a good way of dealing with this. Calmly and firmly state your own truth. Don't argue, defend or try justify. Don't try change anyone else's mind or acknowledge that your view is different from theirs. Just state matter of fact: 'yeah boarding was okay but I didn't choose to go/have any say in the matter'. If whoever you're speaking to challenges that with 'but you begged to go etc' simply say 'no, that's not what happened'.

You're being true to yourself then and not allowing the lie to continue. Even if on the rare chance you did ask to go and have totally forgotten (unlikely I'd say), you're still speaking your truth as you remember it.

It may not change family folklore but it will make it clear to others you're not going along with the bullshit. If it's your parents you're speaking to and then get het up trying to challenge and defend and force you to say you did beg to go you can just stick to the broken record calm 'no, I didn't' and eventually look bored and walk off if necessary. I think you'll gain a lot of inner strength from this.

My family say the same thing - I was 12. Maybe I did want to go but is was a combination of being surprised/ happy that I got a scholarship, and reading Harry Potter.

They didn't let me eat what I want at that age, but they let me decide where I want to live? It doesn't make sense. I was miserable and didn't even do great academically for my potential.

I think this secure attachment thing applies for teens not just toddlers. You need secure attachments with family to make secure attachments outside it. Even if you have a decent relationship with your parents you won't get that at boarding school. Everyone I know personally who went to boarding school has disorganised relationships to some degree, even the really-together people. Your friends become your family, and this isn't always healthy, especially as you get older and have a family of your own.

Not against it all together though, especially for people who have really awful home lives.

"Your friends become your family, and this isn't always healthy, especially as you get older and have a family of your own." that's an interesting unusual perspective. I guess that's only the case if you have a good close normal family. For many of us with shitstorm families it's actually the opposite, it's much more healthy having a close group of good friends than having much to do with your blood relatives.

-boboismylove Couldn’t agree more. Teenagers might be capable of making decisions but they aren’t fully formed, dont have life experience or an understanding of what they need to grow well. I’m sure there are many examples of well adjusted boarders out there but the security that’s offered by having constant love and support from an individual who has nothing but your best interests at heart and wants to listen to your day is surely a better way. Unless of course the parent really isn’t up to the job which sadly I see a lot of with the parents of boarders at my sons school.

can you discuss this further with your parents op?

one thing I regret about is that now I dont have my parents alive there's loads of things I'll never be able to ask them

Any attempt at discussion is either seen as criticism and met with histrionics or stonewalled with the "you begged" line. This goes for everything, they find a way to gaslight and blame me.

A particularly fine one is blaming MH issues I've had since my early teens on me smoking all the pot in Thailand (I didn't smoke pot when I was in Thailand). They won't even accept my word on that, preferring to stick to what suits them best (and I know it's because they want to absolve themselves from guilt re my anorexia and anxiety)

you need to post this on the Stately homes thread, lots of great posters there who can help you unpick this.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3123281-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Then don't discuss. Calmer state. And walk away if they try turn it into drama. What did you make of my advice in my last post?

@LemonShark

Yes I think this is true to a certain degree, but then the boundaries can vanish if you have been used to sharing a room with friends since you are 12. I have an incredibly close group of friends where none of us are close to our families/ families live abroad, and we have been staying/ living with each other on/ off for years. But one of these friends who has been staying with me and my baby for four months and has become abusive and I've been finding it incredibly difficult to ask her to leave - I just posted asking advice about it, and I realised how odd the situation must sound to other people. It's great to have a close group of friends where you all also have your own lives, but when you start relying on each other, taking each other for granted and demanding unconditional friendship - literally like family - it can start to get really unhealthy.

My mother always tried to make me responsible for every bad decision she made (we were homeless several times - apparently this was so I could get into good schools), and the consequences as well. She rewrote it all in her head and seemed to beleive it herself. She'd have tantrums if this nonsense was ever questioned. I ended up going NC although there were a few other reasons.

I honestly think you are wasting time engaging with them about ANYTHING.

Fro what you are sayin they sound like a bunch of malignant fantasists, surely the better strategy would be to direct your energies into emotional detachment, rather than hurting yourself by triyng to get them to be accepting of your truths.

I have something similar going on in my family dynamic. I have learned to ignore and discuss the weather instead. I will never get closure, I can only aim to look for peace within myself.

That's what I try to do, Lemon, with varied success. Stating my point and not getting drawn in is what I aim for but their need for the last word really presses my buttons! I shall keep practising though.

I think you need to draw a line, you know what you know and they wont shift from their line, you really wont change them on this one. I think I know what you are hoping for, to be acknowledged and recognized in reality not their fictionalized account of your childhood and adolescence, but to admit what you want them to would make their walls of peace come tumbling down and they just wont do that.

Omg how awful that they gave you a good education at their own expense. Apparently I asked too as my older sister went. I suspect I did as it was a damn good school and I debated sending my own son there. I only didn’t because I selfishly wanted him home to hug

@SwearyG

As other posters have said, blaming bad choices on an 8 year old's alleged wants is ridiculous.

What are you trying to get from these discussions with your parents? Closure? A closer relationship? Some kind of validation? Maybe work out what you are you looking for, and think of another way to get it? Because it doesn't seem these conversations are going very far. Maybe check this out www.boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk/

*I begged to go to boarding school after Malory Towers.

I also begged to go and live in an orphanage after watching Annie.*

This^^

I begged to go in to foster care after reading Tracy Beaker Clearly my parents should have packed me off !!

The fact that it's boarding school is largely irrelevant: what hurt the OP is the gaslighting, not the school.

If it wasn't school it would be whether she'd taken up/ given up ballet or piano lessons, or had her bedroom painted purple, or whatever. And the lie would be equally painful and pointless.

It doesn’t sound as though engaging with them on these topics is doing any good - they aren’t capable of saying that clearly it wasn’t the right decision for you. You need to talk to your counsellor about these unsuccessful conversations.

A very nice woman once said to me that you can’t forgive someone that doesn’t want to be forgiven and doesn’t understand what they did so you need to find alternative strategies.

I sympathise - there’s only so much of my family I can take before I have to get totally drunk or escape on my own.

And mrshathaway is spot on - of course it’s risible saying an 8 year old took a key decision, the question is what you’re going to do to move on.

I desperately wanted to go - more than anything- but my father was dead against any form of private education and we didn't have the money. I still regret that - I would have gained so much.

I was always threatened with boarding school as child which definitely contributed to my complex about being unwanted