To think small children in boarding schools aren’t there because they want to be?

[SwearyG]

I am trying to unpick some of the gaslighting from my family at the moment and one of the things I am constantly told about being sent off to board at age 8 (I took the entrance exam on my eighth birthday) was that “you begged to go”.

I have no memory of this “begging” and neither does my DS (3 years older) but it is written into family lore and used by my parents as the reason that I was sent. I can’t make head nor tail of this as an adult as I certainly wouldn’t put that sort of decision in the hands of a child. It’s presented as my choice and nothing to do with them.

AIBU to think they’re gaslighting me and it was their choice to put me into boarding school, and not something any parent would do because their child asked or “begged”?

[WanderingStar1]

My older and younger brothers, and I, went to boarding school as our father was in the Navy. My two younger sisters didn't as we had a more settled home then. I suppose I always knew I would go, was a big Enid Blyton fan (though to be fair my Mum said it wouldn't really be like that.....) and at 11 was quite happy. I would NOT have wanted to go at 8, I certainly didn't 'beg' at any stage, and no 8 year old would have a clue what they were signing up for even if they did! Definitely a guilt-assuaging false memory on behalf of your parents, OP! (I actually really enjoyed it, but that's beside the point).

[lonelyfemale]

No child wants to go to school. I cried my eyes out being told I had to go to school because I was '5'. I adjusted and got on alright after a while. I didn't like going up to the next school that I was in the catchment area for either. I was just told all schools have problems so just get on with it. Getting school places for children isn't easy even if you have the money and my mother was a stay-at-home to 3 under 5's....so doing best by all 3 of them all the time wasn't easy...organised chaos would be the best word. Then we got to teenagers and all hell broke loose...so perhaps try to be not to harsh on them if you are still at least on talking terms.

Did your test results give you some sort of scholarship that would pay the fees if they couldn't? The majority of my family thought if you could add, subtract and multiply alright that was good enough. Being able to spell, read, and write clearly also.

Are you happy in your life now? The rest doesn't matter.

[singformysupper]

I'm sure you are right. Possibly your mother and father feel guilty. No responsible parent would make such a significant decision based on what an 8 year old said in any case.
Eight years old is far too young to be sent away to boarding school in pretty much any set of circumstances. I know a few people who have been messed up or very much affected by their boarding school experience. All of those sent away at such a young age, whatever the reason, have said that they wouldn't consider sending any child of theirs at such a young age.

[TournesolsetLavande]

Only a child who has a horrible home life might beg to be sent off to boarding school.

I'm inclined to agree, certainly before 13, anyway.

I would have quite liked it at around 8 or 10 and I think my mother would have quite liked it too. In fact I'm sure she'd have sent us if she could have afforded it.

[NotAnotherEmma]

Only a child who has a horrible home life might beg to be sent off to boarding school.

Selfish twat parents who CBA to raise their own children always have some great big lie at the ready to justify sending their child away.

My MIL would have people believe that my husband was practically one step from becoming a gangbanger or sociopath had she not had the good sense to send him off to boarding school.

When I asked what he was doing that was so bad, she described run of the mill pre-pubescent behaviour. The truth is that she couldn't handle normal parental responsibility and normal conflict and she put all the blame on him for her shortcomings as a parent.

[Ellyess]

Some parents choose to board their older children, those studying towards GCSE onwards, because their job requires they live abroad or sometimes there are no suitable schools within travelling distance. If the Housemaster/mistress and staff are good and available even in the middle of the night, boarding from 11 can be ok. I would only do it in case of need and think 11 to 13 year olds need a separate boarding house and smaller unit, of no more than 15 in each house. There are a lot of advantages to boarding when the child is older (at least 13, pref. 14). I would never countenance it at the age of 8.

[Geordie1944]

Jeremy Hardy said the last word on boarding schools in an edition of
"The News Quiz":

"I didn't go to a boarding school, because my parents quite liked me".

[TournesolsetLavande]

My DS (aged 5) is a day pupil at a boarding school, he is already asking when he can stay over. I don’t like the idea and won’t encourage it, but would let him stay over a couple of nights a week when he’s 10 or 11 if he really begged me.

I think there is a world of difference between choosing to stay as a weekly boarder at 11+ when you already have an established group of friends who board, and being made to stay as a termly boarder at 8 or 9 from ground zero when you know no-one. .A massive, massive difference.

It also depends entirely on the character of the child.

[TournesolsetLavande]

I think you are right Niche.

[SwearyG]

Yes I was fairly happy there - some homesickness, but that was normal among my peers but I settled and had friends. I wanted to go back each term and was very sad when I left.

[KingLooieCatz]

I can see well imagine this.

When I was a teenager my parents decided to have a holiday abroad without us. I remember clearly DM explain that it was a holiday just for Mum and Dad and me and my brother would stay at home. I'm hazy on whether me and brother had a holiday at all, we certainly didn't have a family holiday or a holiday abroad that summer.

When my parents returned they told us what a great time they had and then DM said "Oh well, you'll know next time". The implication being that we had both said that we didn't want to go. Brother, dad and I looked at each other slightly taken aback but said nothing.

It seems within the space of a week Mum had convinced herself that it was our decision not to have a family holiday.

[bossyrossy]

Were you happy there? You may not remember the reasons you were sent away, but you should remember if you were happy and wanted to return at the end of each term.

[toomuchtooold]

SwearyG I totally get why you want to check your perception against reality here. It's the difference between having parents who are basically honest about most things with maybe one or two sore points that they gloss over, and having parents who are determined that your childhood was perfect, and they will steamroller any recollection that doesn't tally with that. You go around as an adult with a lack of confidence in your own ability to perceive reality. I knew someone whose head had been so messed with that when he recalled parental physical abuse from when he was like 9/10/11, he wasn't sure if he should blame his parents because it was his word against theirs, and innocent until proven guilty. Even though he could actually remember it happening! I also, a very close friend of mine with similar situation said her therapist commented that she presented her life history like a case in court, any memories she shared were things that other people had witnessed, there was always some impartial record or reference or whatever. Unfortunately when you say this stuff to people who've not experienced it they often just don't get why it's important (because being given enough credence and attention, as a child, to develop confidence in your perception of reality is a really basic thing that healthy parents do without making a conscious effort) or worse, when we tell our stories, the corroboration and extraneous detail make us sound like we're lying. It's not easy.

I think there is a process in recovery (which it sounds like you are in the middle of doing) where we start by examining the disputed memories that we can remember, and we try to get impartial evidence one way or the other - like this thread. But in time hopefully you can move to a place where you just trust your own memory, because it's yours, and not just in a "everyone has their own version and the truth is somewhere in the middle" way - that may be true a lot of the time but if your parents did gaslight you, then 99 percent of the time your memory is going to be the one closest to the truth.
I agree with PPs though that there's not much point trying to get your parents to see any of this. They had reasons to want to spin things differently, and those reasons are probably even stronger now that your childhood is over and there's nothing they can do to have been better parents back then.

And also yes you are very welcome on Stately Homes!

[SwearyG]

Like I've said upthread there is no blame on my part at all, and I don't have memories of being particularly unhappy there, or feeling that it's a bad thing. It's just a thing. It's the inability to mention anything about prep school without the "you begged" line coming up - whether it's about a reunion or a book coming out or seeing something on Facebook etc.

It's the invalidation I suppose. That I am told I begged - when I know I didn't, and my sister knows I didn't, and that as a result that whole period of my life has become unmentionable. That's what I find unsettling, not that I went as a small child, but the denial of their own agency in it and the fact that it's so taboo now I can't even acknowledge having been. It's deeply peculiar.

[NicheArea]

Maybe your parents were criticised at the time for their decision. In an attempt to justify it to other people who disagreed, they would say 'She wanted to go' which develops over the years into 'She begged to go' and they come to genuinely believe it themselves.
When you question the truth of the situation now, they are hyper sensitive because it is a direct line back to that stinging criticism of their parenting.

[JanetStWalker]

Another Mallory Towers and St Clare's fan here. I remember asking to go to boarding school as well.

And another, those fecking books have a lot to answer for!

[TournesolsetLavande]

What a fantastic post Ellyess

[Ineke]

Just re read your post and realise your sister also does not remember. So, perhaps there was a reason why you were sent but maybe your parents did not want to share that reason with you. Ah, families, how deep and secretive they can be! And people's memories and perceptions of the same event are all so different. But IMO, a parent who says I sent you to boarding school because it's what you wanted is not telling the full story. If I had given in to my children everything they wanted they would be coming back to say 'Why did you let me do that'!

[Ineke]

It's possible your older sister would remember.

[Ineke]

My siblings and I all boarded, my brother from the age of 4 yrs. My parents were in the army so constantly posted abroad in different countries. I can vaguely remember at the age of 7 wanting to go to be with my sister who was 4 years older. So, perhaps you were close to your older sister and wanted to be with her, or felt that you were missing out if she seemed to be enjoying it. It's possible, would your older sister not remember. I can also remember always wanting what my sister had so it's possible you may have wanted to go but as a parent I would not have left the decision up to my 8 year old daughter.

[manicmij]

Seems there may have been a tradition of children boarding in your family in that both you and a sister did so. Why are you so obsessed about what the reason was? Do you have horrible memories of it, is your view of life tainted by the time you spent at the school. Times have changed and children though supposed to be much more mature than say 20 years ago and far more aware than their counterparts of then were don't seem to board quite so young nowadays. If whether or not you demanded to board is all that is niggling you your are lucky. Forget it, you survived.

[RainbowGlitterFairy]

I can remember age 7/8 begging to go to boarding school, but this was entirely because of books like the worst witch, St Clare's and Malory towers. I'm not sure I really understood that boarding school wasn't like going off on Brownie pack holiday for a few days. My parents wouldn't have made a decision that big based on me begging when I was that young even if they could have afforded to send me.

[JoeyMaynardssolidlump]

I suppose if this was my parents I would just say ‘well you were wrong to let a small child make such a big decision.’

[DNAP]

My daughter's best friend at school left at the end of year 3 to board. She was very upset about having to leave her friends and apparently is still really struggling to fit in. Her mum is a SAHM, dad works abroad a lot, eldest is boarding too. It's a family choice apparently...I do struggle to understand it!

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

OP I am currently in therapy thanks to a toxic mother and this is apparently a common way for toxic parents to placate guilt of a bad choice, or avoid taking responsibility for hurting someone.

For example, when I was 10 I was on holiday in Italy and got so badly sunburnt that I had enormous blisters all over my body. My mother told everyone that I absolutely point blank refused to have suncream on because I wanted a tan like my older cousin. And so she didn't put any on, she warned me apparently that I would burn and I still refused.

I have never, at any point during adulthood or adolescence, sought after getting a tan. I am pale and I like it that way, and I am a fan of being in the shade. I know for a fact I wouldn't have refused suncream.

Even if I did who the fuck let's their 10yo DD dot on a beach in 40 degree weather unprotected?

The worst thing was she told family that story at the time and I remember thinking how I didn't refuse suncream, and that was only a couple of days after the alleged event.

She still says it now, over 20 years later and it makes deeply angry. But my therapist has told me to remember that I know it's not true, she has lied for her own gains and that it is gaslighting and I (and you) have a right to be angry about it.