To think small children in boarding schools aren’t there because they want to be?

[SwearyG]

I am trying to unpick some of the gaslighting from my family at the moment and one of the things I am constantly told about being sent off to board at age 8 (I took the entrance exam on my eighth birthday) was that “you begged to go”.

I have no memory of this “begging” and neither does my DS (3 years older) but it is written into family lore and used by my parents as the reason that I was sent. I can’t make head nor tail of this as an adult as I certainly wouldn’t put that sort of decision in the hands of a child. It’s presented as my choice and nothing to do with them.

AIBU to think they’re gaslighting me and it was their choice to put me into boarding school, and not something any parent would do because their child asked or “begged”?

My DM used it as a threat when I smaller if I ever made noises about wanting 6to change school; it suited her for me to stay at my day school within walking distance where I was more or less guaranteed a place from 3-18 if I wanted it and -most importantly- she didn't have a school run. I had to stay put or board. I stayed. However, I chose to board in my late teens and loved it. I was ready to go and chose for myself.

I haven't met anyone who boarded under about 12 or so who made the choice themselves. A friend who went aged 6 had his teddy chucked in the loo, another who went at 8 seems a bit emotionally stunted, and my ex's mum tried to use my 16yr old boarding self to persuade her 10yo daughter that she'd love boarding. We had to catch her to take her on the first night. The reason she was going to board? Her mum wanted to take more long haul holidays and her dying husband was in no state to look after his 10yo step-daughter. Very much mums idea.

Mother (parents separated) sent me to a primary boarding school in 70s aged nearly 6. I hated it. Every second, though that’s not to say I don’t have any fond memories. I felt, and still feel today, unloved by my mother. My sister, two years younger than me, has never really forgiven my mother for sending her away before she was 4yo.

We NEVER talk about it in my family. My mother was persuaded that it was the best thing if you wanted to give your children the best English education possible.

I think we have all agreed that it was(is) a terrible thing to do to young (all) children and so it upsets us all. Interestingly she would never have sent my brother, 14 years younger away.

You poor things going at 3 and 5

I once read a newspaper article from this mother who said that her sending her child to boarding school was a selfless decision, as she muss her child do much but that it was better for the child and the child loved it.

Biggest load of bullshit self justification ever.

My parents did a similar thing but not as bad. Could have afforded to send me your private school but I apparently said I didn't want to go to a "boff school" (which I may well have done but was in the context of having already moved schools twice in as many years). So I went to the terrible local high school instead.

As the parent you have to make the right decision on behalf of your children especially with schools where a child can never know the knock on effect of that decision.

*she missed her child so much

The comedian Marcus Brigstock says that you can’t understand the “ruling classes” in the UK until you realize that they all had their hearts broken as children........

Enid Blyton did it for me too. I remember begging to go.

i don't know - it IS possible that at some points in the past it was done for reasons of believing you were getting the best education for your child - particularly for secondary age boarding.

This is clearly not op's issue - boarding is just the particular hook here in the general family dysfunction.

Completely agree with pp’s that your issue is nothing to do with boarding school, but with the fact that dp’s refuse to take any responsibility for the decision op. Of course an 8 yr old is incapable of making such a choice, but I’m not sure how to convince your dp’s to discuss this rationally. It’s obvious that you aren’t even speaking of the situation in terms of blame, you just wants to be able to speak about it in normal terms!

The situation reminds me a bit of when my ds was small. He once said to me that he didn’t want me to have any more dc as he ‘wasn’t allowed to cuddle’ me when I was pregnant. This wasn’t the case at all. He had a habit of sitting on my knee and bouncing backwards quite hard onto my bump. It was painful and I worried about unborn dc so I asked him not to sit on my knee but to sit next to me and cuddle into me from the side instead. I didn’t bother explaining this to ds however, as the rights/wrongs were not relevant. What was important was his perspective, not mine. I felt so guilty that this was how I had inadvertently made him feel. I apologised to him and tried to reassure him that I loved him and loved cuddles with him no matter what. It didn’t matter to me that his memory was not 100% accurate, what was important was acknowledging his feelings and ensuring he felt heard.

This isn’t about your dp’s and they need to listen and stop trying to make it all about them.

I begged to go to boarding school aged 16, but parents wouldn’t allow it. My dad went to boarding school from age 11 after his mum died, and knew he would never send his children to any kind of boarding school.
I knew that I needed to be in that kind of environment to work, as I never took school seriously. At 16 I knew that if I couldn’t escape then I would be forced to knuckle down - so I felt like I had a reason to request it. However, at age 8, if you did beg, it would have been for an 8 year olds reasons - certainly not a request to be taken seriously by parents unless they were looking for an excuse to send you anyway.

YANBU to think it's naughty of your parents to try and say you were begging to go to boarding school as the main reason. As other people have said, it sounds a little bit like they're trying to alleviate a bit of parental guilt.

I was sent to boarding school at the age of 8 and I think it's had both positive and negative effects on me looking back now as an adult. At the time, the reason I went was because my dad was in the army and they wanted me to be able to stick to one school rather than move around (and abroad) every two years.

However, I do remember realising quite quickly that I had no real choice in the matter. There was no case of my parents being able to say 'oh, you begged to go'. My sister, who is four years older, was already at the school, so I obviously had to go there too. As it happened, I really loved boarding and made friends that I still see now, nearly 25 years later.

I don't think this is the thread to go into the pros and cons of boarding, but I do feel it made me extremely independent but also forced me to build an emotional wall up around myself to survive those years away from my parents, which has affected relationships with many people I come into contact with today.

I was sent because I begged! I was 8 and I wanted it more than anything in the world 😂 Mallory towers has s lot to answer for! My brother and sister were already there and I was so bored at home on my own. I boarded Monday to Friday when my parents went to England to see my siblings, so I didn't think it would be that bad. A Yorkshire boarding school that doesn't believe in hot water or heating, what was I thinking.

Yep. I devoured Enid Blyton's St Clares & Mallory Towers books too.

One of my brothers boarded so I had a bit of an idea what I would be letting myself in for. I'd got to the "go to look around" stage.

Luckily (or perhaps unluckily) I was so devastated when a friend changed schools at 10, I resolved to stay at home with the rest.

I have a very rose-tinted view of DD's toddler years even a few years later. "But you said I was a really good baby, Mum".

I'm not sure you should over-think it.

It's not surprising that the parents who sent their child away aged 8 are the same parents gaslighting their adult child.

I have a friend who detested his well known top public boarding school. He has just sent his son to the same school, against the boy's wishes. Damaged.

Sweary my kids, currently 9, begged to go to boarding school when they were 6 and 7, maybe early 8s. They had a cousin who went and loved it and they had read/watched Harry Potter (and then later Mallory Towers etc. which compounded the desire). One of them also hated the school they were at. Since then we have moved and they're now at a school they both love. They can't remember begging to go to boarding school. From that experience, I can see that it's possible that you did want to go before you got there and that you just don't remember this. I'm not saying what you're parents are saying is true, just that kids memories at that age aren't very reliable.

Regardless of whether you begged or not though, I think your point about it being a ridiculous reason for a parent to send their child holds. We didn't send our DCs when they begged because it is blindingly obvious that a child of that age will have no real idea what boarding school would actually be like and that decisions about schooling need to be made by adults based on a variety of criteria, of which childish wishful thinking plays no real part.

My eldest boarded from just before 10. It was a consequence of what she wanted to do, which was to sing in a cathedral choir, so in that sense it was "her idea". It was a good thing she didn't get in the first year she auditioned, she would not have been ready to cope with boarding. It has however turned us into a "boarding family" in that she is still boarding for senior school, and her brother will board from 13. If he had not got into a local choirschool we might have been looking at boarding for him as early as 8 to give him that opportunity - which he also wanted - but I'm not sure what we would have decided and have remained very glad we didn't have to consider it.

At 13, in her last year at prep, my daughter commented on the occasional "try boarding" night when younger ones would come in, and it was just one big sleepover - and really irritated her because she was trying to study ... Plus she could see how unrealistic it was in terms of showing them what regular boarding might be like.

I think all parents do this. Everyone wants to be a good parent.

Never heard any mum say they have to go to nursery because we need the money , they always say they get bored at home and it teaches them to be confident. Young babies don’t need this but in the end mums convince themselves it is the right thing to do. As your mum has about boarding school.

Meant to say, before my daughter auditioned for choirschool, especially the 2nd time, I did my best to talk through with her what life would be like if she went there so that she had some chance to say, actually that's not what I want, if it felt too much.

Absolutely agree with all the responses to the OP that a child "begging" for boarding school is an unrealistic twisting of reality.

Well I remember wishfully mentioning boarding school to my DM and her telling me it wasn't all it was cracked up to be as per Enid Blyton, and being allowed a sleepover with a midnight feast to dull the desire to move out. And that wasn't even begging, just a bit of wishing. I'm sure they are rewriting history to assuage some guilt there!!

I watched a Cutting Edge documentary on YouTube recently about 7/8 year olds being sent to boarding school and itvwas heartbreaking. There were so many tears for the DC but laments of "oh dahling you need to learn to be independent, you cannot be my baby forever!"

Do you know the poem "We remember your childhood well"?

www.bbc.co.uk/schools/gcsebitesize/english_literature/poetduffy/werememberrev2.shtml

OP this is a rather odd post. I did beg to go to boarding school since my two elder DS were there - I was 7. My parents were working abroad and there weren't great schools there and I dearly wanted more education. I clearly remember it and while it was difficult I thrived. So your problem is that (a) you dont remember asking to go (b) didnt like it and possibly (c) feel you were damaged by it. I can't understand why you just don't tell your parents you have no memory of it, didn't like it .. and then just leave it be.

Never heard any mum say they have to go to nursery because we need the money

I hear that all the time from friends who put their kids in nursery before they're two. Sometimes in different forms - "We can't take a long career break" - and sometimes it's more about no one wanting to be at home with a baby/toddler all day. I think only those in a dire financial situation would do it if they thought it was a poor environment for their child, but plenty of people I know don't put their children in nursery because they think it's some kind of enhanced environment. They do it because there are other benefits for the family and it isn't bad for the child.

There was another one about Sunningdale and the Army father was telling his ds who was crying "I need to put you here so that I can go to Afghanistan and not have to worry about you and your mother needs to come to support me". Through tears the ds said " but Daddy you are not going back to Afghanistan, you are staying here to work on the Army's anti-bullying policy". The DF just smiled awkwardly.

My DM has a very similar way of doing this, although unrelated to boarding school.

I believe it is a definite way of deferring any responsibility for (esp. damaging) things that happened in my childhood. I have had plenty of talking therapy over the years, but i still find it difficult to listen to, and am not particularly close to my mother.

An example is that she and my DF divorced when I was 9. Apparently, ‘no-one at the time knew that divorce could have any detrimental affect on the children’ so she could not have known that we would find it difficult as no-one knew! She was a primary school teacher and knew enough. Other relatives have told me that of course it was a ‘known thing’ back then. I am in my 40s, so we are talking 1980s.
I now have children of my own and realise you don’t need anyone to tell you these things anyway. Even being slightly ‘in tune’ with your kids would mean you would know that some upset would occur during a nasty divorce.

I now believe that she did not have the emotional strength at the time to help us through it, but to still be told now that she just didn’t know that we would be affected by it is a lie. FWIW she had an affair with a lodger who lived with us and the first we knew of it, my DF had already left. She has never discussed this with us and still maintains that both of her divorces were due to marrying the 2 most awful men, which she doesn’t take responsibility for!!

I would say it is definitely a responsibility issue for your parents OP & just wish you luck in reconciling this within yourself.