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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think small children in boarding schools aren’t there because they want to be?

207 replies

SwearyG · 04/02/2018 09:01

I am trying to unpick some of the gaslighting from my family at the moment and one of the things I am constantly told about being sent off to board at age 8 (I took the entrance exam on my eighth birthday) was that “you begged to go”.

I have no memory of this “begging” and neither does my DS (3 years older) but it is written into family lore and used by my parents as the reason that I was sent. I can’t make head nor tail of this as an adult as I certainly wouldn’t put that sort of decision in the hands of a child. It’s presented as my choice and nothing to do with them.

AIBU to think they’re gaslighting me and it was their choice to put me into boarding school, and not something any parent would do because their child asked or “begged”?

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 04/02/2018 09:22

Ha, yes, the "What is most convenient for me is also coincidentally the thing my child also most wants to happen" flip that so many parents do.

I've had a friend of mine claim that her (pre-school aged) kids begged her to get a boyfriend and were desperate for a stepdad, which is why they moved in with their partner of the time after five weeks of dating.

Blackteadrinker77 · 04/02/2018 09:24

Not one of my children ever asked to go.

Where do they say you got the idea from?

annandale · 04/02/2018 09:24

These stories are powerful aren't they. You know, really, that it's nonsense, but the part of your perspective that is still a child can't quite believe that your parents would lie to protect themselves.

I can believe that you missed your sister and wanted to be with her, for example. And no doubt the picture of boarding that was presented to you was entirely positive, and that you wanted to be older, and that getting older in your family meant going away to school.

Your parentsdecided to send you to board aged 8. Really, nobody else is responsible for that expensive and complicated decision, which they had already made for your sister. Certainly not 8-year-old you. LOOK at the 8 year olds you know. 8 is a great age and capable of a lot but you were a YOUNG CHILD.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 04/02/2018 09:25

I think boarding schools at all ages are cruel... it’s not a popular opinion but I’ve seen grown men reduced to tears at the memory.

It really does put me in the mind of ‘why have children if you’re going to send them away’. (Again, not a popular opinion on here!)

That’s so young OP Flowers

SallyLockhartsDog · 04/02/2018 09:25

Of course kids can want to go to boarding school.

My daughter might wake up and beg me not to send her to school tomorrow - as a responsible parent it is my decision whether or not she goes to school, not hers!

myidentitymycrisis · 04/02/2018 09:25

I had a similar experience OP, mine was going to live with relatives aged 9. It was later relayed to me that it was my decision/idea and that my parent was so proud of my independence. They really had no idea.
I didn't want to be at relatives, nor did I want to board after that, it was simply expected that you went along with it and didn't rock the boat.

strawberrybubblegum · 04/02/2018 09:25

I think any responsible parent should own their decision to send a child to boarding school.

At about that age I was reading all the Enid Blyton and Chalet School books, and would have been eager if it was suggested by my parents (it wasn't!). But I had no idea of the reality, or any of the consequences, good or bad: family dynamic, sense of security and family belonging versus stability (in a family that moves around), independence and opportunities. Weighing all that up is a parents job!!

I also remember at that age saying things the adults wanted to hear, even to the point of taking the blame for things I didn't do. Children are very eager to please adults - and adults aren't always aware that is what's happening, especially if it's convenient for them

So I think it's possible they thought you wanted to go - although that doesn't absolve their responsibility for the decision.

Sounds like you have a lot of figuring out to do to try to understand their actions, their motivations/reasons, the impact it had on you, and - most importantly - how you move on from that as an adult.

AnnaMagnani · 04/02/2018 09:26

I see this a lot all over Mumsnet.

When I was 8 I was at a crap school and being bullied by both kids and teacher. My parents asked me if I wanted to leave. I said no. So I didn't.

With hindsight, they acknowledge they should never have asked my opinion as I was a child and didn't know WTF I was talking about. I thought all schools in the world were like my school Sad. It was their job as adults to step up.

You see loads of 'but he/she has such strong opinions' and I think, yes but you have the wisdom of being adults, get on with it.

You may well have begged but if that begging consisted of an afternoon reading Mallory Towers, how convenient Hmm

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 04/02/2018 09:26

Natalia DS 27 has forgotten most of his early childhood, yet can remember the most random facts about subjects he's interested in.

BalloonSlayer · 04/02/2018 09:28

I remember asking to go to Brownies and being told no, later my Mum said that she had offered for us to go and none of us had ever wanted to. To be fair, I didn't yearn for Brownies, I probably only asked to go once and had already been asked and said I didn't want to but not strictly true.

Mum was talking the other day about when she took us to Church on Sundays and etc etc. She NEVER took us to Church on Sundays. I didn't even know which one was our local church! I started going to Church in my twenties and was astounded that my Mum said she used to be a regular churchgoer. When I pointed this out to her, she to her credit, didn't deny it, but was puzzled. I think we ended up agreeing that maybe she had taken my older sisters, 6 and 3 years older than me and stopped by the time I was old enough to remember.

drspouse · 04/02/2018 09:29

sendin some children aren't that cuddly! As a baby DS cried to be put down and wriggle, not to be picked up. My friend's DD was the same. I always knew he was ill as a baby because he wanted to cuddle.

He got more cuddly and now (aged 6) is very affectionate. But I've followed his cues.

MsGameandWatching · 04/02/2018 09:29

I went at 9 my sister at 4. I did want to go, I thought it would be like Malory Towers, but who put the idea that it was a possibility there in the first place? Apparently my four year old sister wanted to go too...

drspouse · 04/02/2018 09:30

(I asked to go to boarding school aged 11. My parents sensibly said no.)

FudgeMallowDelight · 04/02/2018 09:30

Enid Blyton started on her boarding school books when her eldest daughter was about 8. When reading them to my kids i wondered if she was trying to manipulate them a bit. Especially the bit where the girls all mock a child for crying when being dropped off by her parents and look down on anyone who's a bit homesick and not having a whale of a time.

SlowlyShrinking · 04/02/2018 09:31

Even if my ds wanted to go or even begged to go, I wouldn’t send him. My dad has never got over the resentment and feelings of not understanding why he was sent away from his family. I do appreciate that not all boarders feel like that, but it’s not something I could ever do (or afford to do, tbh!)

HostaFireAndIce · 04/02/2018 09:31

There's a similar folklore in my DH's family that he, at the age of 6 really wanted to go to boarding school. If he did, I'm sure it's because his older brothers were already there and not any considered opinion of a very small child. He would have gone anyway, but I'm always a bit Hmm that he supposedly wanted to.

tinyfootsteps · 04/02/2018 09:33

I'm having a similar battle at my son's nursery now. They are a business and tell me that "the children prefer" to go everyday. Like hell they do! But the parents lap it up because they want to hear it to assuage their own guilt.

I have been trying to get one full day to try out - obviously my son will have to go to school fulltime so wanted to build up to this during Reception - but I'm told "it's best" to just dump them there Monday to Friday from the get go.

Nope. That's best for their finances, not my child. I'm changing schools instead.

CatkinToadflax · 04/02/2018 09:34

OP can I ask roughly how old you are? My DM boarded from the age of 9 and my DF from the age of 7. Neither of them particularly enjoyed their time as boarders - in fact my DF absolutely hated it - but they always say that “in those days nearly everyone boarded”. However, clearly “nearly everyone” didn’t board back then - but both my parents were told by their parents that it was normal and totally expected in the 1950s/60s/70s. I think they both still believe that!

DS1 boards - he’s 11 - but this is slightly different as he boards at a residential special needs school.

DS2 is desperate to receive his Hogwarts letter on his 11th birthday....!

Needmoresleep · 04/02/2018 09:36

Another one who apparently begged to go. My brother was only 7yrs 1 week when he went. I, at least, was 11.

My mother was not particularly maternal, and quite possessive of my dad. She later told me she had never wanted children.

TabbyMumz · 04/02/2018 09:38

Did you really hate boarding school, or were there any positives that came out of it? There is a feeling amongst some groups of parents that the child benefits in many ways by going...a sort of peer pressure if you like. Perhaps lots of their friend's kids went and it was seen as the norm in their social circles?

Moanaohnana · 04/02/2018 09:41

Maybe next time just say: 'You guys were the adults and made the decision for me - a small child - to board. I don't resent you for it but it really was your decision, not mine'.

I don't believe in boarding at all. I know schools are nicer and more cuddly now but I still think it's the most awful, sanctioned neglect.

tinyfootsteps · 04/02/2018 09:43

My cousin asked to go... at 14. She wanted to be in the city rather than the tiny village she was in. Other friends boarded. I believe she really wanted to go and, in her 30s now, she says she did. 8? Too young to know. At 8 I was easily manipulated by any adult saying "You want to..., don't you?" because I was a little people pleaser.

MsGameandWatching · 04/02/2018 09:44

My mother was not particularly maternal, and quite possessive of my dad. She later told me she had never wanted children.

Exactly the same here.

NataliaOsipova · 04/02/2018 09:46

My friend wanted her son to go to a day school. He wanted to go to boarding school. He felt it would offer him more opportunities to do then sporting things he so loved. They had a very mature discussion about it. But he’s 13. Very, very different when you’re talking about a 7/8 year old....

TwitterQueen1 · 04/02/2018 09:47

That's a very confrontational, aggressive, unpleasant and judgmental post tinyfootsteps. You're doing working parents a major disservice.

'parents lap it up' - I guess none of them are able to decide for themselves?

'assuage their own guilt' - I have no guilt about sending my DCs to nursery at all

"the children prefer" to go everyday. Like hell they do!" - children are creatures of habit. IME they like to know that things will be the same tomorrow as they were today

'"it's best" to just dump them..' - the vast majority of parents don't 'dump' their children, they choose nurseries carefully and put a huge amount of trust in them

Don't judge others and don't assume everyone else is stupid because they hold views different to your own.

OP - sorry for derail! Once things are written in family folklore it's pretty much impossible to change them...