To think small children in boarding schools aren’t there because they want to be?

[SwearyG]

I am trying to unpick some of the gaslighting from my family at the moment and one of the things I am constantly told about being sent off to board at age 8 (I took the entrance exam on my eighth birthday) was that “you begged to go”.

I have no memory of this “begging” and neither does my DS (3 years older) but it is written into family lore and used by my parents as the reason that I was sent. I can’t make head nor tail of this as an adult as I certainly wouldn’t put that sort of decision in the hands of a child. It’s presented as my choice and nothing to do with them.

AIBU to think they’re gaslighting me and it was their choice to put me into boarding school, and not something any parent would do because their child asked or “begged”?

[SwearyG]

I’m in my 30s so it really wasn’t the norm when I was young. Most of my friends who boarded as children only did as teenagers.

I don’t have positive or negative emotions or memories of school, it’s just what it was. I wasn’t miserable by any stretch of the imagination. It’s that I can’t even talk about it now - even in a “oh that reminds me of X from school” kind of way - without getting the whole “you begged to go” and “I would never have chosen to send you” spiel.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Perhaps you did ask to go and don’t remember. However, you were quite old at the time and it has been described as begging to go. It is odd not to remember begging.

Perhaps they are confusing you with your younger sibiling, who was then left at home by themselves and quite possibly did beg. Or perhaps they’ve persuaded themselves this is true to alleviate their guilt.

In any case, you were far too young to have made an adult decision. So I would stop trying to turn your mind over and over about this. Your parents are using it as a stick to beat you with. The fact is they made the decision and because you weren’t/aren’t happy with that decision, they are blaming you. This is nasty and as you said gaslighting. If you did indeed ask or beg, it isn’t relevant.

They will never admit otherwise so it’s time to heal and decide how you are going to reconcile this in your head.

[1ndig0]

I have various friends now who are in the process of getting their DC ready to board next Sept (they are 13 though). What it basically comes down to is that they didn't manage to get into the "top" London Day Schools eg Westminster etc so suddenly, "the plan was always to board anyway" It's essentially a face-saving strategy for the parents. It's amazing to watch how insidious the persuasion is, "You'll be surrounded by rugby fields," (when the child isn't bothered about rugby in the first place). "You've got into the best boarding house for x..." and so on.

[Silvercatowner]

I suffered quite a serious injury when I was 7. I remember being in agony. Apparently I wasn't taken to the doctor/hospital because I begged not to go. I sympathise, OP.

[mustbemad17]

I enjoyed my time at boarding school, I was given so many more opportunities within the school than I would have experienced at the schools I attended previously. I find the notion of boarding school equalling parental neglect a massive stretch; in fact I would say that the day pupils at my school had less interaction & stability with their own parents than I did with mine as a boarder!! Many of them had parents with the 'presents not presence' mentality. At 30 I still have an amazing relationship with my folks, I definitely don't view them as neglectful.

[toolonglurking]

I begged to start boarding when I was 8, I was already at the school as a day pupil but the way I saw it I was missing out on all the fun stuff, my parents agreed and I loved it, boarded until I was 17.
It works for some, not others. If you are unfair with the way your parents have chosen to remember the period discuss it with them?

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

It's a parents way of vavlidating their choices.

I don't think there's ever a good reason for boarding school unless at high school level and it's a ballet, theatre school etc.

It's perfectly possible to have a career and not send your children away to facilitate it. It's not like childcare, it's outsourcing parenting in full. Who would have a child and then do that?

[dancinfeet]

I begged to boarding school when I was about 9 - big Malory Towers fan also, but I had my eyes set on White Lodge (Royal Ballet School) that takes children from age 11. Not sure why, but I was never allowed to audition, likely because I was not of the required standard, but I remember desperately wanting to go around that age. It's odd that you don't remember wanting to go if that was the case, and as you say it's probably your parents trying to justify their decision.

[Chanelprincess]

I don't believe in boarding at all. I know schools are nicer and more cuddly now but I still think it's the most awful, sanctioned neglect.

Certainly not the case in my experience. I went to a boarding school from 11 and absolutely loved it. I remember my parents regularly asking me if I would prefer a day school, but there was no way I would have agreed to switch. We still have regular school reunions and we all seem to have fond memories. From what I can recall, any child that couldn't adapt seemed to leave pretty quickly.

[NavyGold]

I begged to start boarding when I was 8, I was already at the school as a day pupil but the way I saw it I was missing out on all the fun stuff, my parents agreed and I loved it, boarded until I was 17.

Surely the difference here is that you are clear that you remember begging to go whereas the OP is clear that she did not beg to go?

[BertrandRussell]

Stephen Fry is very interesting on this subject in one of his books of memoirs. He talks about how, in the time and social class/group he inhabited as a child, boarding school was a natural progression, and he would have felt very left out and even hard done by if he had not automatically followed his brother to school. Obviously, his “troubled” adolescence could indicate that his education did not serve him well, but it is certainly a mindset I recognize from my own childhood - and some people in my social circle now.

[AnneElliott]

It sounds like they're saying it to justify their decision.

My parents tell me that I decided not to take the 11+ exam and chose to go to the terrible comprehensive round the corner. That is not true - but my parents can't possibly say that they preferred me not to go to grammar school as they didn't want me to get above myself and my working class home.

Therefore they make up me saying that I didn't want to go. Unfortunately for them, my year 6 teacher ( who was doing the after school classes for those of us that were likely to pass) called me in and told me that my parents had removed me from the exam, that he thought it was the wrong decision but that if I worked hard I would do well anywhere.

I remember that clearly so I know my parents are lying. Terrible thing not to own your own decisions.

[junebirthdaygirl]

You may have wanted to go as your dsis was there and you would have like to do exactly what she was doing. But if she went the plan was obviously for you to go too. My dsis went at 12 ..earliest possible in lreland..and hearing all her stories plus reading the books had me begging to go.
Also when my older dsis started primary school l begged to go being a year younger and determined never to be left behind. I have a very clear memory still of begging to go and getting upset as obviously l couldn't. That is 50 years ago.
I genuinely dont know what good it will do you now going over and over this. Its possibly best to accept that the reality is you went and move on. I wouldn't discuss it with your parents any more. Imagine if all the babies now in creche from 8 in the morning until 6 come back in years to come beating up their parents for their cruelty. Sometimes its best to accept reality.

[Iwillstartagainonmonday]

I think it is possible for a child that age to beg to go yes. My DD had a day trip to a very well known and sought after school aged 9 with a group of pupils from her year as a reward for good behaviour. She loved it, and quite literally, did beg me to send her there, but it was never going to be an option as I simply don't have the finances.

She's in secondary school now and still talks about this school, I think in the hope I win the lottery and it'll suddenly be an option.

[FingersCrossedHard]

I agree with tinyfootsteps

I've also heared friends parroting their nurseries, saying 'oh ds has gone full time now, even on my half days, because he prefers it. Nursery says...'

I don't for one second believe that a one or two year old prefers to be at nursery 8-6, Monday to Friday. But parents will tell themselves this is true and it's obvious why nursery staff would push this line of thinking.

As for young dc being 'creatures of habit' ha! None of mine have been. So long as they're not hungry all of mine have been unquestioningly happy to go with the flow at pre-school age, whether that was being dropped to the cm at 7.45am or staying indoor in PJ's until teatime.

[theredjellybean]

OP.. Why is it an issue now?
We have loads of similar 'family folk law' in my family, I accepted long ago that my parents either perceived things differently or age had rendered their memories less than accurate and it just wasn't worth arguing over whose version of events was right or wrong.

If your now, as an adult, angry about decision your parents made, perhaps you should consider having some counselling to work through this. It's unlikely your parents are suddenly going to say 'sorry yes we sent you boarding school because we wanted to get rid of you and it was a mistake', because they do not remember it that way.
Unless you have a load of other issues with your family, you may find accepting that everyone has a different take on what happened regarding boarding school may be the best option

[SwearyG]

I think it’s an issue as it’s a specific thing I can hang my hat on about them not telling the truth. I’ve been in therapy for years and am trying to manage a very tricky relationship with my family and am pretty sick of them lying to me. This is one of the ones that makes no sense - in that even if I had begged, they wouldn’t have packed me off against their own wishes. I often wonder whether I put too much of what I would do into unpicking their reasons, hence this thread that has pretty unanimously confirmed that no parent would send a child to board on the child’s wishes alone.

I could accept a different take on things, not the absolute denial and closing down of conversation on the matter. Like I say I can’t even mention school without getting told it was my begging that caused me to go.

It’s the same with everything else from my childhood and even how things are with them now. They present their position and won’t consider that I might have a different one (even in the face of significant evidence to support me) and it makes me feel so very untrustworthy.

[Wellysocksbox]

My DB fullboarded at 7 in the 1970s as weekly/flexi boarding was not available then in the way it is now. DB has turned out a bit [redacted].

8 is too young to make that sort of life-changing decision. That said, my DS (age 10) has done very well in one 11+ entrance exam to a boarding school where all his friends are going, and very badly in the entrance exam to the local day school. He's admitted that he didn't try at all for School B as he doesn't want to go there. missesthe point of the thread

[StringandGlitter]

I begged to go to boarding school after reading Malory Towers.

I also begged to go and live in an orphanage after watching Annie.

Kids don’t make rational choices.

[StringandGlitter]

However I have very clear memories about that begging.

The insistance that you begged, plus your lack of memory about it must be really unsettling.

[Wellysocksbox]

And there you have it, OP - your parents sent you to boardig school as it was a prestigious thing to do. They regretted their decision but decided to save face by putting the blame on to you.

It's sad but, yes, I can imagine how you would question what else they have said to you

[LillianGish]

I think as a parent you have to own all the decisions you make for your children. You decide what happens - the idea of a child begging and begging for stuff is immaterial really. Did they give in to your every other whim? It obviously suited them for you to go - curious that your younger sister didn’t go. Could it be your parents could only cope with one child at home or maybe they just ran out of cash. They’ve obviously rewritten history to make themselves feel better about the decisions they made - if you say something often enough you can end up believing it. Why does it still matter so much? Our parents are just people - the older you get, as you see them through adult eyes, the better (or less) you understand them. The best you can do is resolve not to make the same mistakes they made.with your own children. Accept you may never find out the true reason they sent you and your older sister away - draw your own conclusions and move on.

[mustbemad17]

WE have the opposite in our house. My younger brother was asked if he wanted to try where I was, which he agreed to. The deal was, even with me, we are tied into a year because of the financial aspect. My brother loved it & stayed til he left school...but to this day he insists my folks sent him. I know without hesitation that he was given the same discussion as me (because i was part of said discussion).

[tinyfootsteps]

FingersCrossedHard My DC isn't a creature of habit either. Nearly everyone I know has decreased their child's hours rather than increased because the nursery pushed too hard. They are attached to a school so I think their thinking is get 'em in early and keep them. But the reverse is happening.


(((Sweary G))) Some parents have a lot to answer for.

[Rufustherenegadereindeer1]

Dh was persuaded to go to boarding school at 11

The persuading didnt work on his older brother as a relative got to him and played devils advocate

When i was offered the option at 11 my parents put both sides to me ...dh parents refuse to believe that this happened

Both sets of parents wanted the best for their child