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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think small children in boarding schools aren’t there because they want to be?

207 replies

SwearyG · 04/02/2018 09:01

I am trying to unpick some of the gaslighting from my family at the moment and one of the things I am constantly told about being sent off to board at age 8 (I took the entrance exam on my eighth birthday) was that “you begged to go”.

I have no memory of this “begging” and neither does my DS (3 years older) but it is written into family lore and used by my parents as the reason that I was sent. I can’t make head nor tail of this as an adult as I certainly wouldn’t put that sort of decision in the hands of a child. It’s presented as my choice and nothing to do with them.

AIBU to think they’re gaslighting me and it was their choice to put me into boarding school, and not something any parent would do because their child asked or “begged”?

OP posts:
Maria1982 · 04/02/2018 10:25

sweary the way you can’t even mention it withoutmyour parents saying you begged to go... Could it be they later regretted sending you and are trying to put it on you now?
Could it be they disagreed between themselves and again are trying to rewrite history to make themselves feel better about it and resolve that old conflict?
Apologies if I’m projecting - my parents disagreed on schooling options for me as a teenager.

Witchend · 04/02/2018 10:26

Both my girls begged to go at that age-old in due to books. In the case of dd2 she didn't just ask to go to a boarding school, she asked to go the the Chalet School and was quite upset to find it didn't exist in rl.

I think.if you had older siblings who enjoyed boarding school, there is quite a high chance that you did ask to go as younger ones often want what the big ones have.

Memory is a funny thing. I have no memory of asking frequently for something my DM and dsis tell me I did ask for over several years. They have no reason to say that, so I presume that I did ask.
However a couple of things I remember being desperate to have/do no one remembers that I wanted it.

Confuzzled84 · 04/02/2018 10:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

theredjellybean · 04/02/2018 10:28

OP.. I am sorry, it sounds like a difficult thing for you and I don't think it sounds like you can just accept they have a different perception of events, even if that is the case.
Good luck trying to find peace with it.

NewBallsPlease00 · 04/02/2018 10:29

Ft childcare is a bit different though isn't it- as in its needed if a role is FT and life denotes Ft role needed
With a mum at home it would seem unusual to 'need' boarding school for any reason,
Disclaimer/ my kids are ft childcare, they enjoy it there, I don't kid myself they wouldn't rather be at home, it's just not possible 😭

NotAgainYoda · 04/02/2018 10:30

Unless they are very very stupid or insensitive they lie to you because they can't open up a chink of a possibility that it was not the right thing to do.

No wonder you have issues with them. Not being able to admit to mistakes (even of this particular one wasn't a mistake) is very discombobulating (and also a poor example to set your children).

It's an example of people who lack emotional insight/intelligence. Probably a consequence of their own upbringing.

Lucked · 04/02/2018 10:30

I know one 8 year old who is a weekly boarder because he wants to be, the situation at home means he can’t do clubs or play dates and his home is a quite isolated. When he is a bit older and mature enough to do the commute himself he won’t board which will be hard on him.

deckoff · 04/02/2018 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brizzledrizzle · 04/02/2018 10:34

I'd read a lot of Malory Towers by that age and vividly remember begging to go. However, as we poor, there was no question of being allowed.

I have that memory too.

Original poster
SwearyG · 04/02/2018 10:42

My sister who stayed home is certainly treated as the favoured one now (given money, behaviour excused etc) but I don’t see her being kept home as favouritism tbh. Oddly my parents don’t seem to like her. She gets special treatment but I’ve only ever heard them speak badly about her. Though all her transgressions are eventually minimised whereas mine are magnified.

Honestly I could accept a different perspective if it were discussed, but the we-are-right-and-won’t-talk-about-it makes it hard. It’s almost like I’m still supposed to be the compliant child who takes their word as law.

OP posts:
handyforpicnics · 04/02/2018 10:45

We were sent several hundred miles away to another country at 9, siblings were 6 and 7 (this is going back a few years on another continent) each going to different schools. Our parents' marriage was going down the tubes and both were having affairs. The school fees were paid from an outside source so win-win as far as they were concerned. DF has expressed regret but DM just says 'that's what everyone did, you had a lovely time".

Bullshit.

I was an introverted, shy, academic child bullied by both pupils and all adults. It left me with a distrust of people and it has affected every single relationship I've ever been in. I can't think of a greater wickedness to visit on a child. DP should never have had children - they lacked competence to parent at every level.

grannytomine · 04/02/2018 10:49

Did you maybe get upset when you sister was going? Even then it is maybe taking a tearful day or two of missing sister to justify it. I think 8 is too young. I can understand with teenagers, a bit of distance might do wonders for relationships with them.

deckoff · 04/02/2018 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FudgeMallowDelight · 04/02/2018 10:57

Seems like Enid Blyton did a number on a lot of people! She didn't go to boarding school herself, so her books weren't based on her own experience of boarding school but she did send her own dds.

MrsHathaway · 04/02/2018 10:57

With a mum at home it would seem unusual to 'need' boarding school for any reason,

In my experience it's often because the family lives remotely, and considers a lengthy daily commute worse than separation. That's in the context of modern boarding with close daily communication, weekends at home, etc. Child avoids three hours a day in the car in favour of sport/drama/music activities and socialising. Weekends are then free for actual family time.

I agree in OP's case there's rewriting of history going on. But equally I think an 8yo is capable of wanting to board (or at least being perfectly happy to) and that there are lots of positive reasons for parents to choose boarding nowadays.

FunnyOnyon · 04/02/2018 10:58

Even if my child begged to go to boarding school Hmm, i wouldnt send them. They have no clue what it entails at that age

FunnyOnyon · 04/02/2018 11:01

There is no good reason to board a young child, besides family disaster. It is only justified because it is what rich people do

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/02/2018 11:06

Hmm I doubt your parents would have taken you out of boarding school if you'd "begged" to come home.

I watched a documentary about young boarders from around 20 years ago and a lot of the parents had almost brainwashed their children.

There were 8 and 9 year olds saying "mum and dad think it's character building- after the first term I didn't cry in my bed every night" "I like it here now even though sometimes my chest aches from wanting to go home" "my parents don't want me to phone home because I need to toughen up" "It gets easier"..Sad

All the parents interviewed without exception gushed about how much their children loved it though and were having the time of their lives.

MrsHathaway · 04/02/2018 11:07

No good reason?

What do you class as family disaster?

LemonShark · 04/02/2018 11:08

"Today 10:00 Iwillstartagainonmonday

I think it is possible for a child that age to beg to go yes. My DD had a day trip to a very well known and sought after school aged 9 with a group of pupils from her year as a reward for good behaviour. She loved it, and quite literally, did beg me to send her there, but it was never going to be an option as I simply don't have the finances."

Nobody is denying that a child of that age can beg to go Confused that's not what this thread is about. It's about OP being told she begged to go, now she has no recollection of this, leading her to wonder if her parents lied to or manipulated her. Surely you can see the difference between her and the unrelated story about your DD Hmm

I'm sorry this thread is turning into people misunderstanding and chipping in with their own tales of desiring boarding school OP, that's not relevant to what you posted about at all. I hope you have some success with therapy. You're clearly astute to question this and not swallow what your parents say despite immense pressure and it being woven into family folklore. No child deserves to have adult decisions forced upon them, let alone when it's rewriting history because it didn't actually happen.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 04/02/2018 11:08

ilost

Dh begged to come home

Honestly find it so distressing to think of him at 11 crying down the phone in a massive queue of other lads

GentleJones · 04/02/2018 11:11

I can understand why you question this OP. Especially as your parents seem to be placing the whole boarding school decision firmly on your 8 year old self’s shoulders.

We moved Ds to a different school at a similar age. It was OUR decision, not his, it was the right decision, even though he questioned why and sometimes still does. I would never turn this around to being his decision as it’s one he just wouldn’t have been able to make.

What are your Dsis views/experience of it all? Did she also beg to go? Do you talk to her about how you feel now (sorry if already been mentioned, haven’t RTWT yet).

Cornettoninja · 04/02/2018 11:18

As for young dc being 'creatures of habit' ha! None of mine have been. So long as they're not hungry all of mine have been unquestioningly happy to go with the flow at pre-school age, whether that was being dropped to the cm at 7.45am or staying indoor in PJ's until teatime

But this is where kids are different. I have two weekdays with dd and by 9.30 she's at the door with shoes (net necessarily hers) chomping at the bit to go out asking for everyone she knows by name.... I'm considering putting her in nursery when she starts for half of one of my days with her because I genuinely think she'll love it (and makes the transition to having to deal with term time childcare easier).

op it's a strange one to have to deal with, it's propaganda really isn't it?

If you genuinely don't have any issues stemming from it then I don't see anything wrong with putting them straight and saying 'it was fine but I didn't chose to go'. I agree that it's most likely guilt talking.

FunnyOnyon · 04/02/2018 11:18

mrshathaway...no one left who is competent and willing to look after the child

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 04/02/2018 11:18

Rufus that's awful. I assume boarding schools and parents' attitudes have changed from 20 years ago?
There was one little lad in the documentary whose parents had taken his phone card away because he was being too emotional and couldn't have an adult phone conversation?! He showed the interviewer his secret place behind the lockers where he used to go to cry.

I don't agree with being made to board at such a young age.