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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask sister to repay some money

295 replies

user1486472583 · 03/02/2018 12:36

Don't know where to begin with this. First of all I want to say that I love my sister. She is kind and friendly and loving. I just can't keep up this 'lending' thing.
For most of her life since leaving home, she has struggled financially. She used to borrow money from our dad (never paid it back) but he did not make an issue of it because he had his living costs covered as he was living with me. The lendings ran into 000s.
Since dad died, I have been the one to do the lending. It can be anything from £100 to £700 at a time and I honestly don't know how much I have 'lent' to her. It is thousands of pounds. She always comes to me distressed and needs it at short notice. It is always phrased as 'can you lend me...' She never gives it back. Most of it my DH doesn't know about. I know that she is not well off but her house is really nice. Mine needs quite a bit of money spending on it. She goes away several times a year and I haven't been anywhere in ages. I cannot get angry. But I am sick of it and don't see an end to it. I sort of know from the start of a phone call or text that she is going to ask again and my heart sinks. I want to use my own money on my own projects.

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt. I know if I ask for any to be returned, she will promise etc etc. But whenever I suggest that her partner gets a part-time job or something, she snaps at me. She can be really hurtful.
It all kept me awake last night. I lent money again and I really needed it myself but... What can I do? Don't want to lose her but hate to think that this situation will go on and on.

OP posts:
Florene · 03/02/2018 12:38

Ring and ask her to lend you some for your house projects. See what she says. Suspect this will help you find the courage to refuse should she ask again in future.

MonkeysMummy17 · 03/02/2018 12:40

Tell her you don't have the money to lend, that you're struggling as it is and actually it would be helpful if she could repay some of what she owes you - perhaps a small amount monthly until she is in a better position to repay more.
It isn't your job to be her bank, she needs to learn that if she needs money she should do what everyone else does and earn it.
You need to be firm, and stick to your guns as you've already done far more than you should Flowers

Mouikey · 03/02/2018 12:40

At a point when she is not about to ask for money you need to set out clear expectations that you will not be giving her any more. You also need to say to her that the expectation was that she was going to pay it back and can you agree a payment plan.

No point in waiting until she next asks. She is an adult and either needs to live within her means or take credit through the formal channels not take from you and leave you short.

Try and tally up what you think she owes you (I guess look at old bank statements?) and make that the start and end point (ie start of repayment and end of lending)

DancesWithOtters · 03/02/2018 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pasturesgreen · 03/02/2018 12:45

OP, you come across as a kind and caring individual. But there's being kind and caring, and there's being taken for a ride by unscrupulous individuals. You're actually going without so you can give money to your sister. You're hiding it from your DH. You need to put a stop to it now. No more pissing money up the wall like that. Your sister is taking advantage of your good nature, don't let her.

cuttingcarbonemissions · 03/02/2018 12:47

You have to accept that you are giving her money not lending it to her. If you are not able/willing to gift the money then stop.

Most people who borrow regularly are either poor or bad with money. Short of a lottery win this will never change and they will never be able to pay the money back even of they want to.

Pretending that they will just feeds the illusion and causes bad feeling.

Bananalanacake · 03/02/2018 12:48

Why doesn't her partner work. Could he be financially abusing her and making her ask you for money.

Handsfull13 · 03/02/2018 12:49

I'd respond to her by saying ' I'm sorry but I can't afford to, honestly I was going to ask for some of the money I lent you back as we really could do with it right now'
Then leave it at that

MyBrilliantDisguise · 03/02/2018 12:49

She's got a better life than you and you are funding it!

Next time she asks, say, "Oh I was just about to call you and ask you to repay £X. I've got a really big bill (make something up) and can't afford to pay it."

Then say NOTHING. Don't talk into the void. Sit and wait for her to say something.

Sprinklestar · 03/02/2018 12:49

Just say no!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 03/02/2018 12:50

Don't forget it's your husband's money as well. You could quite rightly bring him into it.

"Husband's been going through our accounts and has realised how much I've lent you. He wants to know when it's going to be repaid. No, if I lend you any more he'll divorce me."

RandomMess · 03/02/2018 12:52

I would confide in her that you have financial problems and could she pay back the money she borrowed... obviously she won't but hopefully it means she will never be CF to ask again...

woollyheart · 03/02/2018 12:52

‘Ring and ask her to lend you some for your house projects. See what she says. Suspect this will help you find the courage to refuse should she ask again in future.‘

This!

I have found this very revealing with members of family that insisted we were family and would always help each other out but help was always one way.

CiderwithBuda · 03/02/2018 12:53

Just say no. You can't afford it if you are not doing things to your house or having holidays. You can't afford it as you are subsidising her lifestyle. Your father started it but you do not have to continue.

And don't worry - she will find some other mug.

WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe · 03/02/2018 12:54

So I totally understand you can't pay me back all at once. Would it be easier for you if we set something up where you pay a certain amount each month? What amount would be doable?

BewareOfDragons · 03/02/2018 12:57

Frankly, you're being stupid.

Stop giving her money.
Stop giving her money.
Stop giving her money.

You're not lending her money, that you can't even afford to lend her.
You're giving her money, because you KNOW she won't pay it back.

Just fucking stop.

Tell her to get a second job scrubbing toilets or stacking shelves in the evenings if she can't make her partner get off his/her previous backside and get a job him/herself.

You don't have money to lend. You don't have money to give. She's a grown up, tell her it's time to act like one.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 03/02/2018 12:58

She's using the word " lend" when she means "give". She has no intention of giving it back and she also knows that you know she's not going to pay it back either. It's become an established part of the relationship unfortunately and you've both allowed that.

The thing is she's not going to be the one to change things up, is she? Why would she, it's working great for her! So you need to make up your mind that the answer is no from now on. Separately, you're going to have to decide whether you ask her to pay back some of what you've giver or whether you write that off.

I've been there Op and I eventually had to accept that while my intentions had been good I had been enabling the behaviour. So I mentally wrote off what had previously been given and I said no whenever I was asked again. Actually, they only asked a few times after the first No. They got the message without there being any row or falling out.

BewareOfDragons · 03/02/2018 12:58

And don't blame games and ask her to 'lend' you money to prove your point.

Tell her she needs to sit down with you NOW and draw up a repayment plan. Get her to acknowledge in writing that she owes you all kinds of money, and ask her to start paying it back. Even if it's only £20 a week, make her do it.

I bet she'll disappear, tbh. CF entitled user taking you for a mug

PaperdollCartoon · 03/02/2018 13:01

You say ‘what can I do’ - you can say no. You cannot afford this. She’s living a better life than you and as PP said you’re funding it. Definitely don’t give her anymore at the least, and ask her when she will start paying you back. You can’t go on like this.

mummmy2017 · 03/02/2018 13:02

Think the calling her up and asking if she has any idea when she can give you money back.

Tell her you know she has holidays and so you think she must have got herself onto a better footing. and could really to with the money you lent being returned..

Text her if you feel you can't say it..

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2018 13:03

Personally i would play games if you cannot bring yourself to deal with it straight.

Next time she asks just respond with oh god, I was just about to ask you to pay some back, I'm struggling at the moment. We need to talk about repayment.

She simply sees you and previously her dad as a cash point. It's shameful the way she treats you. And yet you let her do this to you so she isn't hurt. She's abusing your love for her to take from you.

Quartz2208 · 03/02/2018 13:03

She isnt kind friendly and loving and she isnt struggling financially. Sto martyring yourself and say no

Iloveacurry · 03/02/2018 13:04

You need to start saying no! She really needs to live within her means. Do you know what she needs the money for? She obviously can’t be that skint if she can manage to go on holiday several times a year!

Anniegetyourgun · 03/02/2018 13:04

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt

And if you say yes, you will be hurt. Why is your need and your comfort so much less important than hers?

UKcanuck · 03/02/2018 13:05

If she keeps asking, and you keep agreeing, why should she stop asking? The only way to stop it is to stop it, I'm afraid. It sounds as though you are afraid of "losing" her over one difficult conversation. Do you really think that would happen, and if so, why? Is your relationship only based on the fact you give her money?

Hard questions but it sounds like you know you have to take the action but cannot bring yourself to. Screw your courage to the sticking place and just do it! Good luck. Thanks

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