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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask sister to repay some money

295 replies

user1486472583 · 03/02/2018 12:36

Don't know where to begin with this. First of all I want to say that I love my sister. She is kind and friendly and loving. I just can't keep up this 'lending' thing.
For most of her life since leaving home, she has struggled financially. She used to borrow money from our dad (never paid it back) but he did not make an issue of it because he had his living costs covered as he was living with me. The lendings ran into 000s.
Since dad died, I have been the one to do the lending. It can be anything from £100 to £700 at a time and I honestly don't know how much I have 'lent' to her. It is thousands of pounds. She always comes to me distressed and needs it at short notice. It is always phrased as 'can you lend me...' She never gives it back. Most of it my DH doesn't know about. I know that she is not well off but her house is really nice. Mine needs quite a bit of money spending on it. She goes away several times a year and I haven't been anywhere in ages. I cannot get angry. But I am sick of it and don't see an end to it. I sort of know from the start of a phone call or text that she is going to ask again and my heart sinks. I want to use my own money on my own projects.

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt. I know if I ask for any to be returned, she will promise etc etc. But whenever I suggest that her partner gets a part-time job or something, she snaps at me. She can be really hurtful.
It all kept me awake last night. I lent money again and I really needed it myself but... What can I do? Don't want to lose her but hate to think that this situation will go on and on.

OP posts:
Cantspell2 · 03/02/2018 13:23

I don’t think you should hint or lie.

She needs some tough love and part of that is not expecting you to be her own personal cash point.
Don’t wait for her to ask again. Work out how much she has already had and sit her down and tell her she needs to start paying it back even if it is only a tenner a week. And make sure she understands that the cash point is closed.
Speak to your husband as well. He could rightfully be very upset by this but he has a tight to know and hopefully he will be supportive of your efforts in refusing her more cash.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 03/02/2018 13:24

The first time you say 'no' will be the most difficult and then it'll get easier. But it really does need to stop now. You have taken on your dad's role as the go-to cash machine and until you set boudaries it will continue. You can love your sis and be good sibling without giving into these requests. Practice first so that you're not taken unawares - even having a basic phrase such as 'that won't be possible' would be useful and give you the confidence to to stick to your guns.

Mrsmadevans · 03/02/2018 13:25

Ring her up and ask her to lend you money.

RandomMess · 03/02/2018 13:25

Your DSis will either have to accept her DH working or cut her cloth accordingly such as downsizing her home.

Jamiefraserskilt · 03/02/2018 13:25

She is living beyond her means and is using your wages to subsidise.
She is going to flounce because someone is saying no.
No I need the money
No you have never paid me back
No I am spending our wages on the house
No. Do you need some help budgeting?

Then do the alterations and repairs then you won't have it available
She can then chose whether to go nc over her cheeky grabbing, get her lazy arsed partner out to work or go bankrupt. It has to stop somewhere. Why the duck should you subsidise her lifestyle to your detriment?

Clutterbugsmum · 03/02/2018 13:26

Until you stop baling her out then nothing will change.

I think you need to be blunt with her. Tell her no you will not be lending her any more money, you have already lent her at least £5000 over the last x amount of years. She needs to start repaying the money which she is taking from your family and children. And it would be nice for her to contact you to speak to you, show an interest in your family instead of your bank account.

The worst that can happen is she will no longer be pretending to have a relationship with your family instead of just your bank account.

If she loses everything the only people she can blame are her and her DH, they are the ones living beyond their means.

HolyShet · 03/02/2018 13:27

I suspect she is brittle about her partner not working because it is cause of tension between them. Not your job to comment or advise - or even really to have a view on that. Don't mix the issues anyway. The fact is you can't afford to lend, so tell her that.

(also agree with another pp, get any spare money to leave your account into a savings account, and treat it as a necessity, not a luxury, then any mild unnecessary guilt you feel about refusing a loan should dissipate)

PurpleRobe · 03/02/2018 13:27

Tell her you haven't got any to spare.

If She may have to miss a few holidays this year so be it

babyccinoo · 03/02/2018 13:28

Frankly, you're being stupid.

Stop giving her money.
Stop giving her money.
Stop giving her money.

You're not lending her money, that you can't even afford to lend her.
You're giving her money, because you KNOW she won't pay it back.

Just fucking stop.

Tell her to get a second job scrubbing toilets or stacking shelves in the evenings if she can't make her partner get off his/her previous backside and get a job him/herself.

You don't have money to lend. You don't have money to give. She's a grown up, tell her it's time to act like one.

^ This by BewareofDragons. Your sister knows you're a mug. She snaps at you to put you in your place, which is beneath her. She's not lovely, she's a manipulative bitch.

Original poster
user1486472583 · 03/02/2018 13:28

Thank you. I'm going to do this. Maybe not face to face. God that will be difficult! Probably an argument!
But I will text. At least it will be a start. I will begin with the £200 I 'lent' last week. And encourage her to get a loan to sort herself out.
I think you are right not to suggest her partner finding work. Surely it will occur to them both that it's necessary.
Nearlytime, do you see yourself getting it all back?
Have to pop out with my toddler soon but thank you very much. Hearing you say just what I am thinking...helps.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 03/02/2018 13:31

"Ring and ask her to lend you some for your house projects"

"I agree with the previous posters who suggest ringing her and saying you are struggling financially and need some of your money back."

As you don't know in advance when she will next as, I agree with other posters who think you should preempt that by asking her for some money.

Ring her up today and tell her you've got a building problem that's urgent (subsidence?) but not covered by insurance, and can she lend you £1000.
Then before she gets her breath back, say actually you owe me £x so instead of you lending me, can you just repay me a thousand of what you owe just now, to get the house underpinned ... then you can pay me back the rest later in the year.

She won't do it, and she won't give a stuff that (as she has just been given to believe) that your house is falling down.

Oh ... and before you ring her (today) take a reality check and sit down with a sheet of paper and write down every penny she owes you.

Not that she'll ever repay it, but I think it might strengthen your resolve to discover just how much of your family money you have given away without telling your husband.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2018 13:31

Your sister is responsible for her finances, not you. She is playing you for a fool. She has an awfully cushy life for someone who has their hand out all the time. Stop funding her irresponsibility!! If she goes bankrupt, SO BE IT.

And quite frankly, I think it is absolutely horrible of you to hide this from your husband. This is a very serious betrayal. That money should be for YOUR family. If my husband did this, I would be catatonic from anger.

BMW6 · 03/02/2018 13:32

Next time she asks just say "No. DH and I need to renovate our home and we need to take a proper holiday. Actually I want to discuss with you how you plan to repay the money I've lent you over the years"
If she complains point our that HER home is in a better condition than yours and she has had many many holidays while you have not - and that you have been part paying for this!
TBH I suspect she is going to throw a fit. In which case she will be showing that her relationship with you is not based on mutual support and affection but what she can get out of you financially.
She sounds piss poor at money management and appropriate budgeting and as long as you keep funding her she will not change. Why would she?

Amber0685 · 03/02/2018 13:32

You are being dishonest with your husband. Is it worth it?

I honestly wouldn't expect any back, but don't give/lend anymore.

Springtrolls · 03/02/2018 13:33

You aren’t doing her any favours. She is
Living outside of her means because you are financing her lifestyle.
Tell her no and ask for her to start paying back.

Ok she will be hurt. And? She will just have to sacrifice one of her many holidays.

She need to think about what happens when you are no longer in a position to help. Who will she leech from then?

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/02/2018 13:33

Are you a high earner? £200 is a lot to lend without your Dh noticing.

She's taking cash that could be spent on your ds/home/family holiday.

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/02/2018 13:34

"Have to pop out with my toddler soon"

Just see you have DC(s). So it's not just your husband's (and your) money you've frittered away?

Count it up. Make sure you (at least) know how much is gone.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 03/02/2018 13:35

I'm so sorry op. It reads to me like you're picking up from your dad - being the responsible parent. And you already have dc who rely on you.

She has a nice house and goes on holidays yet your house needs work and you haven't been away for ages?

I think you do need to get a bit angry. I'm glad to see you realise this has to stop. You're not being fair to your own family or her really - she hasn't learnt how to live within her means. Frankly it's never too late to learn otherwise what, she's going to be scrounging off your pension when she hasn't enough!?

It sounds exhausting. You sound lovely and caring. bit her financial debt is not your problem. Be there for her and help her find out advice from cab etc. But that's as far as I'd go Flowers

Softkitty2 · 03/02/2018 13:36

Say no. You are enabling her i'm afraid.
Yes you can say no.

kath6144 · 03/02/2018 13:41

Why dont you start by telling your husband? Once you have shared it with him and told him you find it difficult to stop, then it will be easier. Maybe a strong text or email from him will be better than from you?

I too think you are utterly stupid, not only to carry on giving her money, but to not tell your DH. If this was my DH doing this, I would never trust him again. Why does she come before him?

It sounds like you are buying a relationship with her, if you think you wouldn't see her without giving her money. So what? It sounds like she isnt worth it anyway. She's a bully, nothing else, a total bully, taking money off you and not trying to repay it. Was it her idea not to tell your DH too?

I don't think you will stop, as you are scared of her. Mum was like this with DB, who bullied her to hand over money monthly, else he'd cut her off. Fortunately he knows not to even ask me now she's gone. I would laugh him out of the country.

Crazyladee · 03/02/2018 13:45

I would be outraged if my DH had been secretly giving not lending hundreds of pounds of our hard earned family money to a member of his family who had clearly no intention of paying it back!

Can you imagine how your DH will feel when he finds out? If it was in our house, there would certainly be a very heated discussion plus I would be thinking he's lost the plot putting her needs before ours.

I would be hanging my head in shame if I was your DSIS!

What a total CF! You need to grow a backbone and think of your own family and say no!!

GabsAlot · 03/02/2018 13:46

she would be hurt to make u feel guilty that is all

youre funding her lifestyle she cant be that skint if she goes on multiple holidays and u dont

what does she say its for each time u give it to her

FrancisCrawford · 03/02/2018 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3boys3dogshelp · 03/02/2018 13:49

We have helped out family a little bit in the past and I don’t mind at all if we can afford to, but if I found out that DH had been making decisions about our family money without telling me i’d be really upset! Especially when it sounds as though in your situation the money isn’t truly spare at all.
I think you need to be honest with your DH about all of this - it should also help you to stop lending to your sister too when you have to add it all up to be able to tell him.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/02/2018 13:51

So FIFTEEN YEARS ago she nearly went bankrupt? And you are still bailing her out? I can understand your dad helping her not lose her house in the first place, but letting it carry on for so long is just ridiculous. If she/her partner are that bad with money, then it's really not doing them any favours to keep bankrolling their lifestyle.