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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask sister to repay some money

295 replies

user1486472583 · 03/02/2018 12:36

Don't know where to begin with this. First of all I want to say that I love my sister. She is kind and friendly and loving. I just can't keep up this 'lending' thing.
For most of her life since leaving home, she has struggled financially. She used to borrow money from our dad (never paid it back) but he did not make an issue of it because he had his living costs covered as he was living with me. The lendings ran into 000s.
Since dad died, I have been the one to do the lending. It can be anything from £100 to £700 at a time and I honestly don't know how much I have 'lent' to her. It is thousands of pounds. She always comes to me distressed and needs it at short notice. It is always phrased as 'can you lend me...' She never gives it back. Most of it my DH doesn't know about. I know that she is not well off but her house is really nice. Mine needs quite a bit of money spending on it. She goes away several times a year and I haven't been anywhere in ages. I cannot get angry. But I am sick of it and don't see an end to it. I sort of know from the start of a phone call or text that she is going to ask again and my heart sinks. I want to use my own money on my own projects.

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt. I know if I ask for any to be returned, she will promise etc etc. But whenever I suggest that her partner gets a part-time job or something, she snaps at me. She can be really hurtful.
It all kept me awake last night. I lent money again and I really needed it myself but... What can I do? Don't want to lose her but hate to think that this situation will go on and on.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2018 14:53

I have a friend who was constantly 'propping up' her sister, lending cash and paying for this and that. It was a little bit here, a large amount there, none of which was ever repaid.

Her sister, unfortunately died unexpectedly (and young). After a few months my friend was surprised at how much 'extra money' she and her DH had. At first she couldn't figure out how or why it was accumulating. She and her DH are now able to take holidays and pay for 'updating' their home. Of course, she'd rather have her sister back but it was a burden she was shouldering unnecessarily.

PeaPodPopper · 03/02/2018 14:53

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt

^ But you are hurting OP, why is it ok for you, but not her.

She is a user. She is using you. Any user can be as you describe - kind, friendly, loving. ....as long as she's getting what she wants....and she is!

Say no.....and then say no again.....and keep saying no.

NotTreacs · 03/02/2018 15:00

She is using you. Stop letting her.

babymouse · 03/02/2018 15:02

I'm sorry it's so tough to say no to family, but you need to start.

I stopped givinglending my sister money and I think it may be the reason that she is NC with me now (but can't be sure she's NC with all of us). I'd prefer to have a relationship with her but not at the cost of 1,000s a year. (It is nice to have money to spend on meBlush)

MsJolly · 03/02/2018 15:11

Oh dear-what a mess!

Definitely tell your DH as that will help you to say no in the future. And work out a repayment plan-though I doubt you'll see a penny back-at least you can draw a line under it.

WeAllHaveWings · 03/02/2018 15:26

Id write off what you've already lent her as seriously she is such a cf you aren't going to get any of that back.

But tell her the gravy train has left the station and regardless of any situation she gets herself into in the future she is never to ask you for money again so you are not put into the position of having to say no. You will support her practically where you can but you cannot afford to subsidise her life.

She needs to live her life within her means.

Original poster
user1486472583 · 03/02/2018 15:32

Well I have told my DH. He was shocked at the extent of the 'loan'. I have apologized and he's agreed to let me sort it as long as there are no more loans. I'm upset that I have let him down but relieved to be turning a corner.
I have texted my sister asking for the £200 back. I know she has read it but I have not got a reply.
Thank you for your replies. I hope it doesn't cause NC but something has to change.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2018 15:38

That’s a very good start. I hope your sister can get on with you. If she can’t, you will know her true feelings.

user1471443504 · 03/02/2018 15:41

Your sister sounds like she is seeing it as a couple of hundred here and there. Do you know the total or a rough total of what you have 'lent' her? I would be giving her that total if she starts on the defensive and asking her how she plans to pay it back and why on earth should you lend her more when she seems to have a better lifestyle than you. Holidays etc.
I know shes your sister but she's not treating you right so you really need to become tough love with her.

Pinkyblinder · 03/02/2018 15:47

Well done OP!

Good to see that your DH although upset, was understanding. I do think though that you should use him to back you up with discussions with your sister.

But the great thing is that your sister now realises that the gravy train is coming to a stop.

Stay strong. Flowers

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 03/02/2018 15:51

Well done op. I know it's tough. I think you have taken on the parent role in this relationship and it feels like you feel responsible. You're not. She's an adult.

Hope it goes well. But remember whatever happens. It's not your fault. It's her doing. Glad you have a lovely supportive DH. Concentrate on him and your DC Flowers

BMW6 · 03/02/2018 15:53

Well done on telling DH and asking sister for money back., now DH can give you moral support if sis throws her toys out of the pram

Allthebestnamesareused · 03/02/2018 16:00

If her partner is unable to work due to an accident I suspect they have either received a pay out or are expecting one.

Please just say no in future or get your DP to say no more to her!

RedDogsBeg · 03/02/2018 16:01

You say you love your sister she is kind, friendly and loving but she is NOT being kind to you is she? You are afraid of arguing with her and are giving her money to ensure she remains friendly and loving towards you, this is the price she has decided to put on your relationship. Do you think that's how a kind, friendly, loving person truly is?

Your sister has no respect for you. I'm glad you have asked her about the £200 you have recently given her, her reply will be very telling.

StylishMummy · 03/02/2018 16:01

Well done on being honest with your DH, sister sounds like she's appalling with money and you've been facilitating her, food and bills fair enough but holidays and swanky house means she's a cheeky fucker

Motoko · 03/02/2018 16:02

Well done OP, and I'm glad you've told your DH and he's said no more loans, as this will give you the strength to say no in the future.

By not wanting to hurt your sister, you were instead hurting your DH and DC.

TempusEejit · 03/02/2018 16:06

Well done you, glad your DH was supportive although be prepared for him to possibly feel more annoyed once it's sunk in properly.

If your sister cuts you off after this then it shows the only relationship she wanted was with your cash, not you - your relationship with your DP and DC is more important.

TempusEejit · 03/02/2018 16:08

*DH not DP, sorry

honeysucklejasmine · 03/02/2018 16:17

Well done OP. Something needed to change and your sister wasn't going to be the one to do it.

CoffeeOrSleep · 03/02/2018 16:19

Well done on telling your DH.

But you need to change the wording - she never asks for a "loan", she wants a "gift". You have never loaned her a penny, you've given her money. If she felt an obligation to pay it back, she would have done so before asking for more. That she hasn't shows that she doesn't see this as a loan at all.

StaplesCorner · 03/02/2018 16:24

You are amazing to have told your DH well done. I agree with Coffee - expect a lot of "oh but poor little me, you MUST give me gifts!!!" from your sister.

You have to ride this out now OP - take each day as it comes with her and see if she has any sort of epiphany as to what she's done, but sad as it may be, your own family must come first now.

Lizzie48 · 03/02/2018 16:31

My ex best friend was like this. She was always running short of money, because she was an absolute spendthrift, especially on clothes. It broke our friendship in the end, because I ended up lending her £6,000 to save her flat from being repossessed, she was behind on the mortgage. She and her then DH had bought a house in Spain that they couldn't live in and were renting.

She told us that her flat was being sold and that her debts would be paid when that happened. It turned out that her debts exceeded the value of her flat, so she never paid us back.

It made it impossible to stay in touch with her. She used to send us her Christmas newsletters, all about her travels abroad. It was very galling. And every time she sent us a card, my DH would ask cynically, 'Is there a cheque inside?'

So you do need to stop lending your DSis money. In the end it will destroy your relationship. And your DH will find it hard to forgive you not telling him. I pushed my DH into lending my friend money, and it was a real source of tension between us for a time.

Lizzie48 · 03/02/2018 16:32

I see you have told your DH, well done, OP. Now you have to say no to your DSis, that's going to make it easier for you.

FrancisCrawford · 03/02/2018 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrownTurkey · 03/02/2018 16:49

This is her growing up, its om to do it. Well done.