AIBU to ask sister to repay some money

[user1486472583]

Don't know where to begin with this. First of all I want to say that I love my sister. She is kind and friendly and loving. I just can't keep up this 'lending' thing.
For most of her life since leaving home, she has struggled financially. She used to borrow money from our dad (never paid it back) but he did not make an issue of it because he had his living costs covered as he was living with me. The lendings ran into 000s.
Since dad died, I have been the one to do the lending. It can be anything from £100 to £700 at a time and I honestly don't know how much I have 'lent' to her. It is thousands of pounds. She always comes to me distressed and needs it at short notice. It is always phrased as 'can you lend me...' She never gives it back. Most of it my DH doesn't know about. I know that she is not well off but her house is really nice. Mine needs quite a bit of money spending on it. She goes away several times a year and I haven't been anywhere in ages. I cannot get angry. But I am sick of it and don't see an end to it. I sort of know from the start of a phone call or text that she is going to ask again and my heart sinks. I want to use my own money on my own projects.

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt. I know if I ask for any to be returned, she will promise etc etc. But whenever I suggest that her partner gets a part-time job or something, she snaps at me. She can be really hurtful.
It all kept me awake last night. I lent money again and I really needed it myself but... What can I do? Don't want to lose her but hate to think that this situation will go on and on.

OP well done my dear.

I have told my DH. He was shocked at the extent of the 'loan'. I have apologized and he's agreed to let me sort it as long as there are no more loans. I'm upset that I have let him down but relieved to be turning a corner.

Well done! That took enormous courage - and I'm so glad that your DH is supporting you.

As others have said, though - you MUST stick to your guns now and NEVER "lend" her money again. I once heard that you should never end what you can't afford to lose, and I think it's good advice.

She has doubtless got a shock at you tasing for money from her. To be fair, as you have never refused her in the past, she may genuinely think that you and your DH have cash to spare.

She won't be hurt - she will be shocked and she may be angry, but for their own good they need to stand on their own feet. You wouldn't always be able to help them out even if you wanted to - your toddler will one day be off to uni, or ned a car etc, and you will need your full income.

from what you say, if she and her DP stopped the holidays and spending on their home (as you have had to), they could probably manage quite well. They don't need money to live - that want it to support a lifestyle

Different thing entirely.

Well done for coming clean to your DH.

Your sister ignoring your text asking for last week's £200 back is not surprising.

When she gets angry and upset with you, remember: you are the one who should be angry and upset. Not her. She is a user living beyond her means. Not your problem. She is completely out of order here, and has been for a couple of decades by the sounds of it!

When she mouths off about it, tell her she's stealing from you and your children by not paying back all the 'loans'. Stealing.From.Children. Her. Not you.

Good luck.

If she is able to go away several times a year while you don't, it sounds as if her problem isn't really not having enough money, but prioritising how she spends it.

In other words, she is living beyond her means at your expense.

I would have little sympathy with this compared with how I might feel towards someone who is genuinely in financial difficulty.
She must learn to budget. And you must learn to say NO.

Your relationship is very one sided. You’re worried about her being hurt but she certainly doesn’t give a shit about how you feel and is happy to take take take. You need to start saying no. She needs to take responsibility for her own life. She’s using you.

Good stuff OP, now you have the strength of your DH behind you.
You did right to text, send her the same text again, in an hour of two, if she doesn't reply.
Also add that you yourself, are having financial difficulties, and would appreciate her understanding, and to refrain from asking for any more money, as this will only add stress to your situation.
There can be no more loans.

Well done OP, so glad you told your DH. As Schaden says, that was a courageous thing to do, and shows that you do have it in you to stand up to her on this. I think it will help you to say no if you remind her it’s his money too and you have both decided enough is enough.

Some people make a career of being on a financial knife edge and it isn’t fair on those who plan their lives so as not to be in that position that they have to end up as rescuers. Obviously I’m not talking about people who are in genuine hardship, but those others - and we all know them - who cannot seem to balance their aspirations with their means.

In the long run you will be doing her a favour making her face this.

I think you simply have to say "no, I can't lend any more money". If she loves you, as you clearly love her, she might be upset but she will understand and you won't "lose her".

If she cares about you, she won't cut you off if you don't lend her money. If she is prepared to cut you off if you refuse to lend to her, then I think you're probably better off without her.

You could perhaps offer to help her with her finances, if she would accept that help. Actually, continually lending her money isn't helpful to her in the longer term, as she doesn't have to learn how to keep herself on an even-keel financially. How will she ever learn how to manage money and what is the incentive to make what could be quite difficult changes if she knows all she has to do is click her fingers and you'll provide (as your Dad did before you)?

Limited sympathy

Your sister asks. Why the heck don’t you say “you’ve been away on a few hols this year and done some inepciments, meanwhile we’ve not been away and our house needs some work done! I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to help anymore, I’m sure you can understand that”.

Done.

If she accepts, then all good
If she kicks-up a fuss, you know that you need to distance yourself from her and feel no guilt.

Wow reading this has made me so incredibly angry. How completely and utterly lacking in pride is your sister?

That's shameless to keep sticking her hand out for free money while living a comfortable life, enjoying holidays with a partner who doesn't even work!? How dare they!
I bet they're benefit cheats as well.

Unfortunately I think you are a must kinder person than I am as I'm afraid I wouldn't have lent another penny to her after the first lot went unpaid back in return.

She's absolutely out to fleece you and your family and if I was your husband I'd be absolutely livid. Don't you dare give that woman another penny.

Your about to find out what a horrible person she really is anyway since you've asked HER to help you. She won't. I bet she still manages holidays this year.

I'm sorry you've been financially abused.

I had similar with my brother. Lent money, promised he would pay it back but he never did. I said he could pay it back in small installments- promises made, but he didn't even make one payment.

I could have afforded to gift it to them- but that's not the point, the agreement was a loan. In effect it has been gifted to them as they haven't paid the money back. But I learnt my lesson and have not lent brother and SIL money since, as I doubt it will be paid back and will only encourage them to ask for more (they did this to my parents until they decided it was getting out of hand). It was mostly being spent on frivolities and luxuries, not on basic essentials. Both DB and SIL are terrible with money and it's probably not going to change. We aren't close, so not a lot to lose which is different to your situation OP- but really, you're sister is taking advantage of you. The only question is whether it is deliberate or sub-conscious.

OP, this is really really unhealthy for you.

Don’t wait for her to ask.

If you can’t speak to her in person send her a letter. Tell her you cannot and will not lend her further money. That your house needs work, you have not had a holiday, and you cannot let her have another penny of yours and DH’s money.

Tell her that this reflects your finances in the context of the £xxx that she has borrowed over the years but does not reflect your feeling for her a a sister.

If she reacts badly, you know that for her tne relationship IS based on money. And who wants to be bought?

Sorry, OP, missed that you have told DH and asked for £200 back.

This is an excellent start: well done, keep going you have done the hardest thing, now don’t backtrack.

She is your SISTER, be truthful with her.

Op, you really need to sit down and work out exactly the amount you have given. For yourself as much as her.

If it's been 100 - 700 a time, frequently enough you can't remember how many times you have lent her money, then the debt is likely well over 10k.

Well done on taking the first steps. You might strengthen your resolve if you add up how much money you've given your sister and consider what you could've done with it.

You will not get the money back as it is spent.

Decide if you want a relationship with your sister as pursuing it will result in NC.

Personally, I would message saying, "I love you dearly so I'm not going to ask you to pay me back. But, I am asking you to not request a loan from me again as I simply cannot afford it. Whilst you have a nicely decorated house and holidays, my DC is going without and I'm sure you understand my priorities have changed. Love you. "

That is it. My Nan had 2 sayings.
*Never a borrower or lender be
*Never lend what you cannot afford to lose.

The second one I stick by.

Well done OP

I hope you are realising that her lack of response speaks volumes!

I think you need to reframe in your head your sisters issues. She is not struggling financially as you said in your Op as she has a lovely house and frequent holidays. She can't manage the money that she has. That's not a problem that is solved by throwing more money at it. She needs budgeting advice and to behave responsibly. Those are things she needs to deal with.

Now go start planning some lovely things to do with your family with the money you are now saving!

As her DP is an avid DIY-er (despite accident) , maybe he could re-pay you by taking on some of the jobs that need doing in your house!!

Sorry, OP, the whole situation reads like they are a pair of graspers and takers.

It's GREAT that your Dad and you helped her out when she was nearly losing her house - she now seems to have embraced that role: the one who has terrible things happen to her, and gets rescued.

Lucky you were 'taking care ' of your Dad's living expenses so he could help her out over all those years, eh?

Protect your child. Letting your assets and resources go to your sister is not protecting your child's interests. I am glad you have laid down a marker with your sister.

Why can't you get angry? She's taking the piss.

You sound so lovely and kind OP
but do you have MUG written across your forehead ?
She is not a nice person. She is a CF, no doubt. Taking advantage of your generous nature.
Grow a pair and just say No.
Think of all the things and good times you have deprived your own dc and dh of because you were financing her and her lazy partner.
If her dp has had an accident they may have already spent the payout on their fancy house and holidays.
She doesn't deserve you as a sister.

Has she replied OP?

I think youre going to have write off any chance of getting back what you've owed so far, but say categorically no more 'lending' from now on.

I would follow up the message you sent earlier with " You ask to borrow, but I think we both know you've never had any intention of paying me back, which makes me feel taken advantage of. The whole situation is causing trouble between me and dh, it has to stop now. Please don't embarrass me by asking for any more money ever again."

She has replied and says she can repay the £200 next week. There wasn't any unpleasant feeling. I am going to stick to what you suggest and stop lending any more. Thank you xx

Don't be surprised if the money doesn't get paid back next week, but don't let it go.