Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask sister to repay some money

295 replies

user1486472583 · 03/02/2018 12:36

Don't know where to begin with this. First of all I want to say that I love my sister. She is kind and friendly and loving. I just can't keep up this 'lending' thing.
For most of her life since leaving home, she has struggled financially. She used to borrow money from our dad (never paid it back) but he did not make an issue of it because he had his living costs covered as he was living with me. The lendings ran into 000s.
Since dad died, I have been the one to do the lending. It can be anything from £100 to £700 at a time and I honestly don't know how much I have 'lent' to her. It is thousands of pounds. She always comes to me distressed and needs it at short notice. It is always phrased as 'can you lend me...' She never gives it back. Most of it my DH doesn't know about. I know that she is not well off but her house is really nice. Mine needs quite a bit of money spending on it. She goes away several times a year and I haven't been anywhere in ages. I cannot get angry. But I am sick of it and don't see an end to it. I sort of know from the start of a phone call or text that she is going to ask again and my heart sinks. I want to use my own money on my own projects.

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt. I know if I ask for any to be returned, she will promise etc etc. But whenever I suggest that her partner gets a part-time job or something, she snaps at me. She can be really hurtful.
It all kept me awake last night. I lent money again and I really needed it myself but... What can I do? Don't want to lose her but hate to think that this situation will go on and on.

OP posts:
ViceAdmiralAmilynHoldo · 08/02/2018 15:56

Pearl's line sounds quite a good start. Not confrontational but clear.

Graphista · 08/02/2018 18:27

Yes that's a good way of putting it-immediately reminds her you were helping her out and that it's not her money and should be bloody grateful!

Graphista · 08/02/2018 18:27

Although I do now have a sodding Elkie Brooks ear worm Grin

Gazelda · 08/02/2018 18:51

Pearl's email is perfect. I very much doubt you'll get anything back, but this makes it perfectly clear that the loans are now stopped and past ones have not been written off. The ball is now in her court.

FrancisCrawford · 08/02/2018 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScattyCharly · 08/02/2018 19:21

What I would do is write it all up properly on a page with dates.

Don’t confront her yet.

When she next asks for money, say you and h recently did a finances review. Then show her the sheet and point out that you have “lent” her almost £7000. Then say you cannot possibly lend any more and it will drive a wedge between you and dh.

RedDogsBeg · 08/02/2018 19:57

Excellent advice from Francis you need to set clear defined boundaries/rules.

Put your relationship with your sister on a footing of equals with mutual respect shown for each other.

Original poster
user1486472583 · 08/02/2018 20:37

I'm grateful for all your suggestions. You have really sorted my head out on this. Thank you!! Pearls email is friendly, clear and nearest to how I would say it if I saw her. I am going to use that for starters. Let you know if what happens. Can't be offended if I put it like that

OP posts:
Pearlsaringer · 08/02/2018 20:50

@Graphista tell me about it, it's even worse when it's self inflicted! Grin

Pearlsaringer · 08/02/2018 20:56

oh blimey, pedant that I am, I feel I have to correct my suggested email - I meant "DH and I have just been" blah blah blah.
Of course you all knew that. Blush

Greystar · 09/02/2018 07:18

I would let the money go and just be better at saying no in the future.

Jenala · 09/02/2018 07:32

My DM used to do this to me. Turned out she had a hidden drug addiction. I must have given her thousands between my first job at 14 and when I stopped 'lending' at 25. She 'borrowed' more if I had more and I felt family should help each other so felt guilty whenever I had money Hmm It took me adding up that I'd given her £1200 over 4 months and tell her so for it to stop. She cried and said to please not add it up.

You've done great to raise it and stop. It only gets easier from there.

plus3 · 09/02/2018 08:00

I’m with Greystar

LadyKyliePonsonbyFarquhar · 09/02/2018 14:11

I think for the sake of sisterly harmony I would be inclined to forget about the past loans but be determined never to give her anymore.
Think carefully OP, only you know how she will react and whether you are prepared for a major bust up and possible NC.

Canary123 · 10/02/2018 19:49

Its probably your sisters partner telling her to ask, sky + tv indeed! Lazy bugger.

Original poster
user1486472583 · 11/02/2018 19:10

So I have been thinking about this a lot. I cannot just leave the matter as it stands. I am not her parent and she is not 12 years old. I started the post wondering if I should ask and now I feel that I have to.
Decided that Friday was a bad idea. To discuss it as you begin the weekend... So I waited until this afternoon. There is no 'best' time.
I contacted her via WhatsApp to be sure that she had read it. I wrote how much I had lent, that I had always tried to be there for her during the difficult times but now that they were over, could we sort out the repayment. She wrote back that she was gutted and that I had ruined her Sunday, that she didn't have it lying around etc. I said that I didn't want her to take out a loan, that there was no rush or pressure but that she must have known that I would want it back sometime.
From her last reply, I don't think there will be any friendliness any more - despite the fact that I have never turned her down or hassled her. There is never any mention of her partner stumping up anything, despite the fact that his mum gave him over £1000 recently.
My DH says that I was foolish to let it go beyond £1000. I think he was right. He doesn't think that she will want contact any more. Or for quite a while. Was our relationship just founded on one sister being an endless supply of money in return for friendliness?
I don't regret broaching the subject. I said it as reasonably as I could. If I owed her, I would never have brushed it under the carpet. It would have been a priority to repay.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/02/2018 19:18

That's a great shame Sad perhaps you could reply with suggesting something like £10 per week, presumably her partner gets some sort of weekly payment? Or if DSIS gets paid monthly £45 per month?

All that's happened is that you've pulled her up and asked her to be your equal - an adult taking responsibility. She's not happy about it.

Thanks
SandAndSea · 11/02/2018 19:21

She wrote back that she was gutted and that I had ruined her Sunday, that she didn't have it lying around etc.

Dearie me! OP, you've done nothing wrong! Please don't let her fool you with these words. They're nonsense.

RedDogsBeg · 11/02/2018 19:27

Was our relationship just founded on one sister being an endless supply of money in return for friendliness? Possibly, or possibly your sister is shocked at the amount and the fact that you have requested repayment, she didn't think you would or was hoping you'd forget about it.

I think she will go quiet maybe in the hope that you won't pursue it, but I think you should you have nothing to lose now. Suggest a repayment plan and put it in writing, make the arrangement formal and if she defaults you do at least have the option to take it further.

You couldn't go on as you were anyway as you knew you were being taken for a ride and the resentment at being used like that would have built and ultimately destroyed your relationship anyway.

Your sister may surprise you (I have my doubts) and once she has calmed down and thought about it and agreed to a repayment plan your relationship will be okay.

Dipitydoda · 11/02/2018 19:32

Tell her you are planned bf to do some urgent work to your house and would be grateful if she would set up a standing order to repay £x back per month as you now need this money back that you LENT her!!!!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 11/02/2018 19:41

Sorry if this is irrelevant, but I'm really interested to know what your family dynamic was growing up. My sister is younger than me so I do have a sense of 'responsibility' towards her, but she'd never sponge off me as yours has. Why/how do you think it got to this point in the first place?

BewareOfDragons · 11/02/2018 19:44

You have done nothing wrong, OP, except perhaps wait too long to ask for her to start paying you back!

Your sister is a CF, entitled cow, as is her husband. I can't believe he just got £1000 from his parents and he didn't think immediately, hey, we probably should use some of this to pay my wife's sister back for all the loans she's been making us! Of course they didn't ... they are users. Imagine thinking you owe them money to maintain their lifestyle. Wow.

snapperstickers68 · 11/02/2018 20:24

You won't get your money back and you only risk alienating your relationship with your sister.

I'm sorry to say you've been taken for a mug.

My own sister did the same thing to me, ultimately ending in her saying I'd 'imagined' I'd lent her all that money (despite me having bank transfer proof). The last time it happened, she'd gone via my mum who'd asked to borrow a couple of thousand pounds off me, but wouldn't say what for.

Mum eventually said that yes, it was for my sister.

BoomBoomsCousin · 11/02/2018 20:48

From her last reply, I don't think there will be any friendliness any more - despite the fact that I have never turned her down or hassled her...Was our relationship just founded on one sister being an endless supply of money in return for friendliness?

It may be that she won't be interested in you if you aren't a source of money. But don't give up hope just yet.

This will be a bit of a shock to her. It's a total change to the dynamic that's been between you for a long time. You've had over a week of thinking about this and being supported by a group of people on here and your DH (not to mention all the times you've probably been vaguely thinking along these lines before this but not really pursued that train of thought too hard). So give her some time to come round to the idea. If she contacts you be friendly and nice (as you have been) but don't avoid the subject. It sounds like your tone in your last post was a nice balance of stating the obvious without laying blame or criticism, so try and keep that. With a bit of time she may be able to put that shock aside and admit to herself that she knows she isn't entitled to your money.

Original poster
user1486472583 · 11/02/2018 21:07

I think you are right BoomBoomsCousin. I am not going to back down now but I am now going to pursue her like the bailiffs. I am not going to avoid her or be rude.

Yet I do see things in a different light after reading your accounts on here. Last year we met up on the anniversary of dad's death at the churchyard with flowers etc. That was when she tapped me up for the biggest 'loan' of £1400. THEN, stood there that day when she asked, I was thinking about dad and my promise to him as he was sick and dying that I wouldn't let anything happen to her. Now I think, how cynical of her! She must have known. To ask me THEN for so much! That makes me angry now.
Someone asked about the dynamics of our family. Our mother left when we were pretty young. Dad raised us to be quite self reliant and loving as a little family unit. She is younger than me. What changed was when she met this partner. Dad worried himself that this man would never make any kind of income to support their household so he began putting money their way.

I'm done with thinking it is my ongoing job to make up for her partner's laziness.
Thank you! Don't think anything will happen for a while now.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread