Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask sister to repay some money

295 replies

user1486472583 · 03/02/2018 12:36

Don't know where to begin with this. First of all I want to say that I love my sister. She is kind and friendly and loving. I just can't keep up this 'lending' thing.
For most of her life since leaving home, she has struggled financially. She used to borrow money from our dad (never paid it back) but he did not make an issue of it because he had his living costs covered as he was living with me. The lendings ran into 000s.
Since dad died, I have been the one to do the lending. It can be anything from £100 to £700 at a time and I honestly don't know how much I have 'lent' to her. It is thousands of pounds. She always comes to me distressed and needs it at short notice. It is always phrased as 'can you lend me...' She never gives it back. Most of it my DH doesn't know about. I know that she is not well off but her house is really nice. Mine needs quite a bit of money spending on it. She goes away several times a year and I haven't been anywhere in ages. I cannot get angry. But I am sick of it and don't see an end to it. I sort of know from the start of a phone call or text that she is going to ask again and my heart sinks. I want to use my own money on my own projects.

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt. I know if I ask for any to be returned, she will promise etc etc. But whenever I suggest that her partner gets a part-time job or something, she snaps at me. She can be really hurtful.
It all kept me awake last night. I lent money again and I really needed it myself but... What can I do? Don't want to lose her but hate to think that this situation will go on and on.

OP posts:
NewYearNiki · 03/02/2018 13:06

Most of it my DH doesn't know about.

Is your freeloading sister more important?

That is a major lie to him and you risk him never trusting you again.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/02/2018 13:06

The reason why she has a nice house and goes away alot is because she has mugs to foot the bill.

Stop giving her money and learn to say no.

mummmy2017 · 03/02/2018 13:06

Think the calling her up and asking if she has any idea when she can give you money back.

Tell her you know she has holidays and so you think she must have got herself onto a better footing. and could really to with the money you lent being returned..

Text her if you feel you can't say it..

Butterymuffin · 03/02/2018 13:07

Get the Manuel J Smith book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (cheap second hand copies on Amazon). It'll help you in saying no to your sister, which is what you need to do.

shakalaka · 03/02/2018 13:08

I had similar with my brother. He would ask for money I would "lend" it and the cycle would continue. That is until I got together with my DH and "my" money became "our" money and he got a bit miffed that "we" were funding him. He pointed out that it was never lend always give. And i had had nothing back from him in return. So I just started to say no. It was hard at first but it got easier and he only asked a couple of times.

I know he asks my parents now, but frankly its up to them if they wish to enable this behaviour. I will not.

I don't feel guilty now. He has loads of things he could cut back on if he so chose. We don't do half the things he does so why should I fund him doing them?

I would just start saying no. No explanation needed just no.

BrendasUmbrella · 03/02/2018 13:08

Call her before she can call you again. If she catches you on the hop you will feel pressured to say yes. Tell her now that you need some of the money you lent her back. If you can't do that and you're willing to let it go, tell her you cannot afford to lend her any more. Stop being a doormat.

Schlimbesserung · 03/02/2018 13:09

If you think that you will lose your relationship with her by not giving her money, then you don't have much of a relationship anyway.
She doesn't love you the way you love her. You are useful and you help her to avoid making difficult choices.
However, you can stop this. I doubt you can force her to repay the money she already owes (presumably you have no proof of the loans?) but you absolutely can learn to say no to her.

MatildaTheCat · 03/02/2018 13:10

This is silly. Tell your dh for a start and then send her an email from you both saying you are rejigging your finances and have added up that she actually owes you £Xk and you need her to start repaying.

Of course she will be annoyed. I’d be annoyed if my free cashpoint suddenly foreclosed on me. You know there is no end to this? She will be swanning around in retirement while you have to keep working to repair the roof.

Stop. It. Now.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 03/02/2018 13:12

If my DH was giving away thousands of family money to someone, I would want to know and (dis)agree to it as relevant.

You need to stop and focus back on your own household needs. I understand you love your sister, but the dynamic is all wrong due to the under-the-radar one way giving (it is clearly not lending if you never get it back).

notapizzaeater · 03/02/2018 13:13

Just ask her outright, there's nothing to loose, she sees you as a cash cow

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/02/2018 13:13

Think of it as doing her a kindness. She learned from an early age that she could rely on other people to hand out money, so it's behaviour that she has to unlearn. You can help her stop (you may, of course, not be the only person she's doing this to, so training her out of the behaviour will be doing others a favour too), by learning to say 'I'm sorry, I can't do that.' In reality, you shouldn't even say sorry, but it's going to come as a shock to your sister after all these years. You don't even need an excuse, although if she asks why (apart from showing you how she really thinks of you - 'I need money', 'No', 'Whhhhyyyy nooooot, it's not faaaaaaiiirr') you just say you need it more than she does right now.

HazelBite · 03/02/2018 13:13

The long and the short of it is you can't afford it and why should you,
I would take the bull by the horns and approach her saying you urgently need X pounds for Y reason as you have lent her a lot in the past can she possibly see her way to repaying you at least that amount to see you out of your current difficulty?
Her response will speak volumes, I have a feeling you will get nothing from her but it also lets her know you cannot to lend to her in the future.
Feel free to lie about Y reason!

Cantspell2 · 03/02/2018 13:14

You have given her ££££ that your husband doesn’t know about so she has a better standard of living than you.
You do realise I hope that this could be putting your marriage at risk?

You need to learn to say no and speak to her about paying back what she has already had.
And it would be a good idea to come clean to your husband before he finds out another way.

HolyShet · 03/02/2018 13:14

I agree you need to ring her and ask her to "lend" you some money, or rather repay some she's borrowed.

Turn it around.

And practice telling the truth with clarity

"I can't afford it"
"I need the money to do x"
"I don't have it to lend you"

I would steer clear of trying to problem-solve for her/suggestions about working etc, comes across as judgement

She won't be hurt, she has no right to be hurt - she will be disappointed but you are the one who is being hurt.

HazelBite · 03/02/2018 13:14

oops ....afford to lend to her...

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/02/2018 13:15

She's using you.

Stop lending & I think you'll see a lot less of her.

If your husband finds out he's going to be very upset by it all, and hurt you've put her ahead of him.

Original poster
user1486472583 · 03/02/2018 13:15

Thank you. I know you are right. If it would just stop now, I could maybe close my eyes and write it off.
You see, she came close to bankruptcy, losing her home etc. She had the bailiffs round etc. This was maybe 15 years ago. It was scary even at a distance. Dad helped her back on her feet. I chipped in.
Her partner doesn't work because he had an accident 4 years ago. I do think he could work part time because he is an avid DIYer and climbs ladders okay but she is super protective and every time I mention it, she snaps about his health. Can be quite brittle.
Thank you for saying that Cantsleep. I feel quite worried about saying no but I have had enough.

OP posts:
Caselgarcia · 03/02/2018 13:16

I agree with the previous posters who suggest ringing her and saying you are struggling financially and need some of your money back. I wonder what her response would be?

Pearlsaringer · 03/02/2018 13:17

I get why it’s difficult to say no when you have said yes up to now. Could you tell her she will have to ask your DH in future as you’re planning home improvements and he’s in charge of the budget? You could throw in something about not to be too hopeful as he’s been making noises about the previous ‘loans’. That might be enough to put her off.

DriggleDraggle · 03/02/2018 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cherrycokewinning · 03/02/2018 13:20

“Today 12:57 BewareOfDragons

Frankly, you're being stupid.

Stop giving her money.
Stop giving her money.
Stop giving her money.”

Posts like this make me laugh. Do you think OP would be asking for advice if it were that straight forward? Do you not think she could’ve thought of that herself?

OP I know you want a magic wand. But the only answer here is put on your big girl pants. Some great suggestions just telling her you can’t because you want to do xyz.

There probably isn’t some big secret. Your sis is crap with money. She has always had someone to bail her out and she’s got used to it so she’s not had to manage her own money.

nearlytime · 03/02/2018 13:20

OP I am in a similar boat, except it was one big lump sum (to save her house) rather than dribs and drabs. My sister always "borrowed" (was given) money from mum. It made her dependent and didn't teach her the value of money at all.

The sum should have been paid back by now, we had a monthly schedule, but it isn't. But at least she is paying every third month or so.

Could you estimate what she owes you and draw up an agreement? She might be less inclined to ask then.

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/02/2018 13:20

Bailing her out back then was probably the worst thing to do, if she'd gone bankrupt it might have taught her something.

Say no, stick to it & never lend again. Do your house up instead so you haven't got it to lend.

Optimist1 · 03/02/2018 13:21

Look at it this way, OP. If, for example, you're "lending" her £20 a week then saying no to future requests means that you and your family are instantly £20 a week better off.

And if you go one step further and ask her to start repayments at £20 a week, you and your family are £40 a week better off. That's a lot of money towards your home projects.

You and your DH have worked hard for that money - it's nice to help out family in times of crisis, but your sister is taking you for a mug.

MerryMarigold · 03/02/2018 13:23

I would put your spare cash into a house fund, tell her you're saying for something specific (eg. New bathroom) and say you don't have anything left over. As soon as you have enough to do whatever you need to, spend it. She cannot begrudge you saving for your own house, and I'd she does.
It's not fair OP. She'll just keep doing it because you're letting her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread