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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask sister to repay some money

295 replies

user1486472583 · 03/02/2018 12:36

Don't know where to begin with this. First of all I want to say that I love my sister. She is kind and friendly and loving. I just can't keep up this 'lending' thing.
For most of her life since leaving home, she has struggled financially. She used to borrow money from our dad (never paid it back) but he did not make an issue of it because he had his living costs covered as he was living with me. The lendings ran into 000s.
Since dad died, I have been the one to do the lending. It can be anything from £100 to £700 at a time and I honestly don't know how much I have 'lent' to her. It is thousands of pounds. She always comes to me distressed and needs it at short notice. It is always phrased as 'can you lend me...' She never gives it back. Most of it my DH doesn't know about. I know that she is not well off but her house is really nice. Mine needs quite a bit of money spending on it. She goes away several times a year and I haven't been anywhere in ages. I cannot get angry. But I am sick of it and don't see an end to it. I sort of know from the start of a phone call or text that she is going to ask again and my heart sinks. I want to use my own money on my own projects.

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt. I know if I ask for any to be returned, she will promise etc etc. But whenever I suggest that her partner gets a part-time job or something, she snaps at me. She can be really hurtful.
It all kept me awake last night. I lent money again and I really needed it myself but... What can I do? Don't want to lose her but hate to think that this situation will go on and on.

OP posts:
onwardsonwards · 03/02/2018 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jammycustard · 03/02/2018 13:53

I would be incredibly angry if my partner was giving money away to a family member without telling me. What a betrayal.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 03/02/2018 13:55

Just say no.

She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, if her current income isn't enough to do that then she gets a second job or her partner helps out.

She is learning nothing by you subsidising her and if coming close to bankruptcy didn't scare her enough to change nothing will.

elisenbrunnen · 03/02/2018 14:00

Jesus - she's 'lovely'?

She will be all hurt if you say no to her?

She 'snaps' at you if you raise the subject of her paying it back, or of her DH funding their own lifestyle?

Stop giving away your own husband's money, and your child's money, to someone you are scared of upsetting. She is not afraid of causing you upset or discomfort.

Get angry!

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2018 14:01

You really do need to be more assertive and learn to say no. Have you made a note of how much she owes you?

MeYouYouMe · 03/02/2018 14:02

You already know what to do but perhaps concentrating on the fact you are deceiving your husband might make you feel stronger. It's a horrible hung to do. I don't know if he works but if does why the hell should he do it in aid of your sister especially as she has enough to spend on holidays.

You can't change her behaviour only your own.

I don't know if you have kids but if you do how will you feel if they ask you for money in the future and you can't give it to them as you've been funding your sister.

Sierra259 · 03/02/2018 14:03

OP I would not encourage her to get a loan to sort herself out. She is clearly terrible with money and will no doubt end up coming crying to you in the future when she's defaulted her loans/gone down the payday loan route and desperate - and because you're a kind person you'll bail her out again.

She needs to become better at money management - something she's never had to worry about because she's always had the family cash points to top her up. Sometimes it needs a short, sharp shock for someone to realise their lifestlye isn't compatable with their income. I agree with getting your DH up to speed. You'll probably find it easier to say no if you know he isn't happy about it.

Twooter · 03/02/2018 14:05

Work out how many hours you or your dh have worked in order to earn the amount you have given her. If she asks for £200, think of it as 2 or 3 days work you are doing JUST FOR HER.

Wingedharpy · 03/02/2018 14:07

Assuming she doesn't come round every week asking for money, today would be a good day to inform her that you will no longer be bailing her out financially, given that she's just had £200 off you.
This means that she has had notice that things are about to change and she needs to now factor that in to her spending.
Personally, I would NOT suggest that she takes out a loan.
If she can't /won't pay you back, she will end up in bigger sh*t using loan companies.
Suggest that she contacts Citizens Advice (assuming you're in UK), as they can help her look at her debts and draw up a plan to help her manage the money she has.
She and her DH are simply not living within their means and need to be taught how to do this........but this is NOT your responsibility.

CatherineUC · 03/02/2018 14:07

You've been way too nice OP. I thought this even when I hadn't read that you had dc, but think what the money you've given her could have gone towards for your DC or DH. What if they or you need to pay for medical treatment in the future or DC's education? She's taken you for a ride for way too long and you need it to stop. Now.

idontlikealdi · 03/02/2018 14:08

What do you do? You just say no! Frankly she’s been taking you for a mug.

Ellendegeneres · 03/02/2018 14:10

My uncles wife was doing this, but sending money abroad and she would go wild with rage at him if he dared say no or suggest lowering the amount. She would ‘borrow’ off her English family members, send it to people she clearly cared more for abroad and then become physical with uncle when he said stop.
He divorced her in the end and she tried to flee with their dc to the other country. She’d built a fucking house over there, and had hundreds of thousands in savings.

Takers like your sister will keep on padding their own wallet with other peoples cash and call it a loan- become furious when called on it, or refused money. They will do it until everyone they’re tapping for cash says no, then go nc because these people have served their purpose and that’s all they ever kept them around for.
You’re deceiving your dh and taking from your own dc... it’s so wrong. You have to stop now. You have to say ok, I lent you x on this date, x on this, x on this (etc) you need to start repaying because we are now in financial hardship by providing you with all these loans.
She won’t. But you need to decide to stop once and for all.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 03/02/2018 14:12

What way to your dh and you work you finances? If I found out dh had given money constantly to a user like your sister and taken it in secret from our family money it would honestly have a terrible effect on our marriage.

You don't know your sister, you say she is lovely but she is clearly not and her change of moods with you shows she just sees you as a cash machine.

Honestly you need to stop being a martyr and just say no

And everyone saying ask to borrow money off her? That doesn't even make sense, you just ask for your money back

Wingedharpy · 03/02/2018 14:13

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debts-and-money

Mysteriouscurle · 03/02/2018 14:16

Clearly you do love your sister but she doesn't love you. As people sometimes say on here do the mirror experiment. Would you borrow money from her and do up your house and go on holiday while she couldnt because she was giving you money. Of course you wouldnt.

Trll her your dh has gone ballistic and is demanding repayment in full before any more loans. If on the offchance you do get the money repaid (personally I dont think you'll ever see it again) dont ever give her money again. I expect that she'll throw a strop and will somehow make you out to be the bad one but remember that is just cheeky fuckery because she knows how wrong she is.

And think about your dh's place in this scenario. If I found out my dh was giving thousands away to his family, while we could use that money for things we wanted to do, id be considering divorce fairly seriously. Start putting yourself and your dh first. Your sister cant help herself but neither can you save her

Mysteriouscurle · 03/02/2018 14:17

Xpost with cabbage

Appuskidu · 03/02/2018 14:19

Why have you let yourself get treated like this?!

Birdsgottafly · 03/02/2018 14:21

"And encourage her to get a loan to sort herself out."

OP do not do that. She will be back to bankruptcy and repossession.

If she wants help with cutting back/budgeting then that is all you to.

For someone who can't live within their means, taking out loans is a disastrous.

ButchyRestingFace · 03/02/2018 14:23

Thank you. I'm going to do this. Maybe not face to face. God that will be difficult! Probably an argument

Why? You haven’t got any money to give her. What’s to argue about? Confused

You’ve been funding her holidays. She just needs to find another benefactor.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 03/02/2018 14:39

So you took care of your dad while she sponged off him, then as soon as he died she switched to you?

Can you try to see your sister through our eyes for a moment? She may be great for a chat but she has consistently put herself first in the family.

It's up to her and her lazy arse partner whether he works or not, but if he doesn't, then they can't afford to do the things they could do if he did work. That's the way it works.

category12 · 03/02/2018 14:40

But I will text. At least it will be a start. I will begin with the £200 I 'lent' last week. And encourage her to get a loan to sort herself out.

Don't suggest she gets a loan - she'll end up in a mess again and she'll make you feel responsible. Suggest something like the Money Advice Service or the moneysavingexpert website.

Personally I wouldn't confront her directly, but would, when you sense her heading in the direction of "lend me money", cut her off with "we're really stretched ourselves" and a "I can't, sorry". You can't. You also have dc to think about, whose lives could be improved by the money you're pouring into your sister's bank account. You could be saving for them, you could redec their rooms, you could take them on trips - they're missing out because your sister hasn't learnt to manage her money or is living beyond her means.

ChasedByBees · 03/02/2018 14:41

She doesn’t sound very loving or thoughtful. I agree you need to pre-enjoy her and ask for the money as you DO need it.

LadyLapsang · 03/02/2018 14:44

Horrible situation. I think my approach would be:
Work out how much you have given to her;
Tell your DH;
Decide together whether you are going to write that loss off or try to get some of it back;
Ask your sister out - just you and her - for morning coffee / afternoon tea - no alcohol and a fairly quiet place where you can have a private conversation - tell her how much you love her etc. but this can't go on, what you want (either all / some or none of the money repaid).
She will probably get upset / cry / get angry - let her. If she really kicks off, have the cash in your bag and just pay and walk out. If you think it would help refer her to Christians against poverty or some similar organisation.

NapQueen · 03/02/2018 14:44

If she cant agree to any repayments then dont hesitate in saying to her "total amount owed to me is 4.5k. I wont be lending another penny to you til its settled".

Magpiemagpie · 03/02/2018 14:47

My brother was a bit like this not with me but with other family members
He would never ask me for money because the one time he did I asked him what he wanted it for and he mumbled his washing machine had broken
So I offered to buy him a washing machines- nope he wanted the cash to choose it himself 😂
I told him to go and choose it and I would go and pay for it and arrange delivery
Nope he wanted the cash - needless to say he got neither

OP If you do want to help out you're sister ask her what she wants the money for.
I guarantee you she won't have an answer and if she has got one it will be the same scenario as my darling brother

But personally I would just go very low contact with her and def not give her any money at all