AIBU to ask sister to repay some money

[user1486472583]

Don't know where to begin with this. First of all I want to say that I love my sister. She is kind and friendly and loving. I just can't keep up this 'lending' thing.
For most of her life since leaving home, she has struggled financially. She used to borrow money from our dad (never paid it back) but he did not make an issue of it because he had his living costs covered as he was living with me. The lendings ran into 000s.
Since dad died, I have been the one to do the lending. It can be anything from £100 to £700 at a time and I honestly don't know how much I have 'lent' to her. It is thousands of pounds. She always comes to me distressed and needs it at short notice. It is always phrased as 'can you lend me...' She never gives it back. Most of it my DH doesn't know about. I know that she is not well off but her house is really nice. Mine needs quite a bit of money spending on it. She goes away several times a year and I haven't been anywhere in ages. I cannot get angry. But I am sick of it and don't see an end to it. I sort of know from the start of a phone call or text that she is going to ask again and my heart sinks. I want to use my own money on my own projects.

I know that if I say no, she will be hurt. I know if I ask for any to be returned, she will promise etc etc. But whenever I suggest that her partner gets a part-time job or something, she snaps at me. She can be really hurtful.
It all kept me awake last night. I lent money again and I really needed it myself but... What can I do? Don't want to lose her but hate to think that this situation will go on and on.

sorry, should say NOT going to pursue her like the bailiffs.

Omg cheeky bitch! And to ask for money at a GRAVESIDE! What is WRONG with some people?!

I'm so sorry op she may be younger than you but she's in her 40's ffs!

I hope she will calm down, that it was a shock and she'll come back apologetic and asking to arrange a repayment plan.

But I suspect she's pissed off her gravy trains been closed and will act as if you are the one being unreasonable. I think you need to be prepared for that.

But DO NOT for one moment blame yourself. You did nothing but be kind and generous, you've done nothing wrong.

Hopefully she is just in shock, OP. I think her thinking is that dear Dad looked after her, and it's now your duty.

You earn, your DP earns, But her's doesn't, so she can use your money.

It's time she learned that life doesn't work that way.

And to the poster who suggested that you should just suck it up for 'sisterly harmony' - why? This sisterly harmony is only going one way!

I’d use the small claims court and blame your DH if he doesn’t mind.
Sorry op but your relationship was all about the money.

I think you’ve done the right thing by calling her out on this, painful though it has been for you. You aren’t responsible for, she is an adult and it’s time she accepted the responsibilities that come with this. I can’t believe she had the gall to say you’d ruined her Sunday! Well, actually, I can, because I think she is a taker who doesn’t consider the consequences. I do think that you should consider following up with a suggestion that you will be happy with a repayment plan of whatever amount a week, even if it is only a small regular repayment.

Did you reply to her manipulative message yesterday? She has some neck borrowing thousands and thousands and never paying it back and telling you you've ruined her Sunday.
I would reply with "Dear sis, sorry to hear your Sunday was ruined, I'm sure you can imagine how much worse it's been recently for dh and I trying to figure out how our finances have been dramatically crippled over the last few years. Of course I don't expect you to have this money lying around, you wouldn't be selfish enough to leave me short if you had. Don't worry we can draw up a repayment plan that will suit us both and if you're worried about the interest accrued we can also reach an agreement on that. You're my sis and I love you dearly hence the reason I helped you through tough times, you know that don't you? Once again don't stress over this I'm sure regular payments over a couple of years will set us straight. Hugs and kisses"

Scare her a bit about interest and an official payment plan and she might decide to come off her high horse and reach some informal agreement with you.
I'll be honest I doubt you'll see a penny back. It sounds like she's going to initiate a row go no contact and use that as an excuse not to pay you.

Were all the loans you have via bank transfer/cheque?

"I know how hard it can be to stand up to a domineering sibling."

Especially when they're the golden child and you've been raised that they matter more.

I've been nc with mine almost 4 years. 3rd time I've gone nc, first time mum hasn't pestered me to give in. She went absolutely nuts when I first told her, I blocked her on everything then mum told me she was threatening to come to my home and basically sit on the doorstep until I had to come out so she could confront me. I had to make it clear I would not hesitate to get police involved if she harassed me. (She's assaulted me on 4 occasions yet my mum still thought I was over reacting)

Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have to let them treat you like crap!

I like lone survivor’s response!

@user1486472583 well done on being so strong! any news yet?

Thank you for asking, SockUnicorn, There is not a great deal to add really. I got a WhatsApp message last night saying just that she would start repaying her debt mid-March but that it would not be much. There is no mention of amounts or if mid-March will be a one-off. There were no pleasantries either. She knows my toddler has chickenpox but she did not mention him. Anyway, you have all made me realise that families can sometimes not be worth the hassle.
Graphista and FrancisCrawford.. I am really sorry that you had to experience that. I hope your lives are happy and settled. I don't know why some people treat their family members with less consideration/manners than they would show to a stranger.
I may have started the thread concerned about my relationship with my sister but I am actually enjoying the peace. It is totally liberating that I am free of any more 'loan' requests. Can't tell you how good that feels.
I will only add to the thread if there is anything interesting to add, ladies. You have been more than helpful to me xxx

Please let us know if you get anything back - even if it is only a small amount.
If nothing else you've got the freedom from further loan requests - so result!

Take care op

The only thing I was going to say is that you seem a lot 'happier' in your last post - if that's the right word. Like a weight has been lifted. I can see the change just in your writing.

Take care (and hope the chicken pox clears up soon )

I have other "stuff" going on but being nc with her has made my life SO much easier and far less drama (never any minor events in her life everything is a major production it was exhausting!)

Thanks for your kind words.

I hope you get at least some money back from her.

Sad for you (but I have to say I am not surprised given what you'd told us early on) that now the "bank of sis" has been closed she's showing her true colours (not interested in being a kind loving sister unless there's something in it for her).

Takes time to get your head round this stuff, we're so conditioned to put family first, forgive them some appalling behaviour etc

I'm glad we were able to help, and that you're feeling lighter. It's not until we're able to get out of these sorts of situations, that we realise just how much they were weighing us down.

It's sad that your sister was just using you, but maybe once she's got used to the new relationship with you, she might try to make amends. We can only hope.

Hope the chickenpox clears up soon and your toddler's not too bad with it.

All the best.

A few weeks ago a very good friend asked to borrow more money from me whilst out shopping. She'd borrowed before and not repaid it so eventually I told her it didn't matter as it was awkward asking for it all the time.

I told her that I wouldn't lend her anymore money as she'd not paid me back from before. She was upset I mentioned the past debt. She totally ignored me for a week after exchanging some unpleasant text messages with me. She has now repaid the money she owed me.

It has damaged our friendship and I am unwilling to let go of how she ignored me when I didn't do anything wrong. I am unhappy with her reaction. I feel in a better state now and less reliant on her friendship. I feel stronger for not letting her walk all over me.

OK she’s decided to be a child. She needs to know this doesn’t work on you any more.

What about a message back, “that’s ok, I wasn’t expecting you to pay it back all in one go, Instalments will be fine. Let’s get together and work something out - not this week though as DC is very grumpy with chicken pox. How’s everything your end?”

She can choose to keep sulking or be a grown up.

Hope it all works out for you OP.

Hi @user1486472583. Well this has been a while but wondered if you got your march payment and anything since? This struck me so much because i have a family member that takes advantage (not with money but always asking me to do things and childcare then letting me down on the rare rare times i ask. i havnt asked her to do anything in over 3 years as a result yet still end up with her DC most weekends). So I have been routing for you :)

*rooting