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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ABIU mother in law demanding time alone with little one?

149 replies

Colourmeblind · 31/01/2018 15:00

My baby is 12 weeks old and I have struggled to bond with him, which is a whole different story.
Anyways, MIL and SIL got us restaurant vouchers for Christmas which was a lovely gesture or as they called them 'babysitting' vouchers. I take our son to her house maybe once a week, it's only half an hour away. She's been to ours once since he was born.
She keeps making snide remarks about her wanting him to herself for the afternoon and that she wants to spend time with him without us there!
He's 12 weeks old and I want to spend time with him, I go back to work in 3 months time! My partner works until 10pm in the evening so I would be sat at home on my own all afternoon. AIBU or should I just accept she doesn't want me there and use the time to myself?

OP posts:
Leviticus · 31/01/2018 15:02

It depends on whether you want time apart from your baby. If you don't - it is still early days - MIL can wait.

HollyBayTree · 31/01/2018 15:04

Don't you ever do things just for yourself like get your hair cut, or go for a manicure or see a friend for lunch. Thats when you use their kind baby sitting offer.

I'm sure shes not really being snide.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 31/01/2018 15:05

YANBU, you don't have to accept anything. I don't really understand why she needs you to be gone, why will she do that she can't do when you are there? At 12 weeks the baby will most likely want you. Fine if you want some time away but no reason to leave baby if you don't want to.

Cath2907 · 31/01/2018 15:05

Do you want the afternoon off? To be honest I'd have jumped at the offer of an afternoons peace when my DD was 12 weeks old (she was a horrid baby!) However if you don't want time apart from the baby I think it is find to ignore your MIL - it is not unreasonable not to want your 12 week old to spend the afternoon away from you.

midnightmisssuki · 31/01/2018 15:06

no - far too young IMO. Why not suggest her come over when you are there. Tell her baby is too young to be without you

Blackteadrinker77 · 31/01/2018 15:07

Just say no thanks, I want these couples of months with him.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 31/01/2018 15:09

Do what you feel comfortable with.
Do you want time to yourself? Are you happy to leave your baby with your mil?
If you’re not ready to leave him then don’t.
There are no rules and you should do what you feel happy with.

Wakeuptortoise · 31/01/2018 15:09

Well the demanding is a bit Hmm but my ds1 was very demanding and I wouldn't have minded an couple of hours to myself to sleep. But she wouldn't have asked again because he most likely would have cried the whole time.

Peachyking000 · 31/01/2018 15:09

Can she not get her “alone time” while you and your DH use the vouchers for a meal out?

Floralnomad · 31/01/2018 15:10

What does she think she is going to do with him if she has him alone ? I just don’t get it at all , it would be a no from me and if she kept push7ng the point I’d bedelaying her having him even more . Have you actually asked her why she wants him to herself .

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 31/01/2018 15:14

My 4yo has never had alone time with my MIL, nevermind my 16mo. Neither has my mum. We visit, they visit, we go on holiday together every year but I'm always there. No one has the right to "alone time" (weird!) with your child. It sounds like she wants to play mummy.

Original poster
Colourmeblind · 31/01/2018 15:15

Yeah I have asked and she says she wants him to get used to her but why can't she do that when I'm there? Or while her sons there?

Yeah I love the idea of sleep and a haircut but I can quite happily do that before my partner goes to work at 1pm or on the weekend.

I haven't even left him with my own mum yet!

OP posts:
Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 31/01/2018 15:17

Don't feel pressured to leave your child with anyone. 12 weeks is still ridiculously young. You can revisit the idea when you want to.

Aria2015 · 31/01/2018 15:18

Better than my mil, she gave me airline vouchers so that I'd fly away and leave lo with her! No YANBU, your baby is still tiny. It totally normal for you not want to leave your baby. I always struggled with the request for 'alone time' as it made me feel unwanted and like a third wheel. Don't do anything you don't want, she'll get her chance when you're lo is older.

whiskyowl · 31/01/2018 15:18

Every woman is different and however you feel on this is right for you. If you don't feel ready to leave the baby alone with someone else yet, you don't have to.

You need to say, gently but firmly "It's such a kind offer, and I will definitely take you up on it soon, but I'm just not ready to leave him alone with anyone yet - even close family. I am sure I will feel more ready soon, but in the meantime, I just want to spend time with him to bond".

ethelfleda · 31/01/2018 15:19

YANBU - I wouldn't leave 13 week old Ds with anyone but DH. DM keeps mentioning it and it is lovely of her to offer... but as it's usually after making snide remarks about our parenting choices, I would rather not!

LizzieSiddal · 31/01/2018 15:19

Do what YOU feel comfortable with.

I had to go back to work when dd1 was 3 months old, so I had no choice (mil looked after her). But there is no wrong or right answer. You do what’s best for you.

Bluedoglead · 31/01/2018 15:20

Let your partner organise it with his mum.

blackchina · 31/01/2018 15:20

She is not being unreasonable to want to be alone with her grandchild.

She IS being unreasonable to demand it.

Many new parents would give their left arm to have the grandparents have the new baby for a day, but if that's not what you want, then it is your right to say no.

Have you asked her why she is so desperate to be alone with your child?

MyKingdomForBrie · 31/01/2018 15:20

She’s being silly, just ignore.

MichaelBendfaster · 31/01/2018 15:20

I don't understand this fixation some MILs on here seem to have with having people's babies to themselves. Confused If any MILs are reading this and feel that way about their DILs' babies, I'd genuinely love to hear why, to try to understand.

But YANBU, OP. You don't have to accept this bribe, I mean present, if it means pushy behaviour and emotional blackmail. And you certainly don't have to feel bad about not letting your MIL have your baby alone.

If she keeps on, just say lightly, 'This again? MIL, you can see him as much as you like but he comes with me and/or his dad.' And change the subject.

Thistlebelle · 31/01/2018 15:21

Don’t feel pressured to leave your baby before you are ready.

It’s not about your MIL’s feelings, it’s about yours.

She can wait.

Laiste · 31/01/2018 15:23

Why do some grandparents want so badly to do this 'alone with the GC' thing? Confused

I've got 4 DCs with 3 sets of GPs in total (married twice) and none of the GPs have ever shown any interest in being alone with the kids. They like to see them. They like to see us too.

Osirus · 31/01/2018 15:24

If you don’t want to, don’t! You won’t enjoy the break if you don’t want to be away from him. Ignore your MIL, it’s not her decision. My MIL didn’t look after my DD until she was 14 months old. I still don’t feel comfortable with it, but I know I’d be unreasonable not to let her when my own mum does it!

ineedwine99 · 31/01/2018 15:24

If your not comfortable with it don't leave him. She'll have to deal with it. You need to be happy to leave him

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