ABIU mother in law demanding time alone with little one?

[Colourmeblind]

My baby is 12 weeks old and I have struggled to bond with him, which is a whole different story.
Anyways, MIL and SIL got us restaurant vouchers for Christmas which was a lovely gesture or as they called them 'babysitting' vouchers. I take our son to her house maybe once a week, it's only half an hour away. She's been to ours once since he was born.
She keeps making snide remarks about her wanting him to herself for the afternoon and that she wants to spend time with him without us there!
He's 12 weeks old and I want to spend time with him, I go back to work in 3 months time! My partner works until 10pm in the evening so I would be sat at home on my own all afternoon. AIBU or should I just accept she doesn't want me there and use the time to myself?

She is not being unreasonable to want to be alone with her grandchild.

Maybe it's just me, but I think it's weird. It's certainly not the norm here in Ireland for a granny to demand alone time with a newborn. Visit, yes. Spend time with the family, yes. But to expect the new parents to fuck off while they play 'mummies' is just weird.

Or maybe historically Irish women had so many sodding babies that when their childbearing years were over that they were just enjoying their new-found peace and quiet too much.

Perhaps MIL and SIL would like to bond with the baby, too? If you're there, baby will focus on you. I don't think it's weird at all, but if you yourself have been struggling I can understand your objections.

Just bear in mind that there will be times in the future when it will be better for the baby to be used to other people rather than just its own parents, especially if you're going back to work soon.

YANBU. I think the way she's sold this to you rather shows her true intent; you getting some time to relax/treat yourself/have a break is the means to the end- she really wants your baby and she's been very clear about this.

Anyone who truly cared would offer to babysit should you ever want or need them to and remind you that a little break can be good for you and that you deserve to treat yourself. Time with the baby would be a nice side perk of being a good friend or relative.

Why do you label her offers as “snide” and “demanding”? All she’s done is offer to babysit! How about thanking her and explaining that you would rather wait till baby is a bit older.

And for the pp who asked why on earth grandparents might want to look after the grandkids, errr... because that’s what families do for each other? It’s hardly unheard of is it?

You are using very emotionally charged language there - is she really "demanding" and being "snide" or is she just perhaps asking and feeling exasperated? Of course if you are right and she is those things then you absolutely should not reward her bad behaviour on principle.

That being said, I don't actually think it's weird to want to be alone with a baby - you can have a cuddle without feeling self-conscious that you're being watched, or that you have to hurry up and hand baby back to mum. And what if you want to do something embarrassing like squeal "who's the cutest boy in the world, it's you, you are, yes you are yes you are!!" Whilst blowing raspberries on his cheeks?

I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and the vibe was just totally different to how it was when my parents were there - it's a very different relationship.

Perhaps MIL and SIL would like to bond with the baby, too?

It isn't their baby to bond with

I don't actually think it's weird to want to be alone with a baby

I get that point, you can be unselfconscious and do things the way you prefer.

However to expect it, demand it or to insist on it when you know that the parents are uncomfortable with it, is weird.

Don't feel pressurized into leaving your baby before you are ready

YANBU, I'm not being funny but 12 week olds are quite boring really, when they aren't being annoying. Don't get me wrong I love to cuddle my baby DN but babies don't really do anything and you can't do fun things like playing with their toys, watching TV shows you've needed an excuse to watch since your own childhood and doing activities that are interesting and educational messy (baking, painting, playing in mud, etc.) that they love you for. Just say you're saving up the hours until they can both enjoy it and you need the peace

When you have fed, burped, changed and cuddled them, and they still won't settle it is heartbreaking as they clearly just want their mum.

Everyone is different, I have some friends who went on holiday without their 6 month old, I hate leaving my DC for the morning while he's at nursery.

If you're not happy then don't do it. It is very weird for people to request alone time with someone else's baby. I've had this from DM and MIL and it makes me even more reluctant to leave him than I already am.

It puts me on edge to feel that someone is trying to get rid of me while they keep my child.

Not sure that the argument about wanting to bond with the baby works, DC easily bonded with DH while I was there, he didn't need alone time to do that (he didn't get alone time for months as DC liked me to stay with him, but DH still chatted to DC and played with him while I held him and they have a lovely bond).

If you don't feel comfortable or ready yet to leave your baby with anyone then please don't. Your baby is still so small and does not need to be left without you unless that is what YOU actually want to do. Do not be pushed into this, your mil does not need time to pretend to be mummy.

She is perfectly capable of bonding with the baby while you or her son is there. Bollocks to anyone who suggests otherwise.

This obsession grandparents have with needing alone time with their grandchildren is insane and it begs the question what they intend to be doing with the grandchild that the parent can't be witness to, probably undermining the parents wishes/rules I expect

You only have 3 months left with your baby until you have to go back to work, personally I would be spending this precious time with my baby. What childcare are you having when you go back to work? If mil will be a part of that then she can most certainly wait until then.

painting while i try never to poo poo another posters telling of their personal experience, i must say i really cannot imagine feeling self conscious about expressing love for grandchildren in front of the parents - your own children - who presumably you squealed and blew raspberries on 20 odd years earlier! It just doesn't compute.

I understand she wants to babysit but I don't need her to.
I go back to work in 3 months and I want to spend as much time as I can with him before that happens.
I personally think it is very snide her comments about 'how rude it is we haven't used our vouchers yet.'
I have said no to her, explaining the above about trying to spend time with him as much as I can before going back to work and she makes such an issue out of it, that I shouldn't be going back to work so early then. (like I have a choice!)

I find insisting on alone time weird too, it's not their baby. The bond between grandparent and grandchild will evolve over a long period of time and doesn't need forced alone time.

Letting a person know you’re available to babysit for them IF they want a break is nice. However going on and on and wanting your baby for their own enjoyment and trying to guilt you into doing so is very annoying. If you don’t feel like you want to leave your baby, and you’ve said you don’t, then just don’t. There’s no need for her to have time on her own with your small baby and no obligation on you. Your baby is not a toy. You do an hour round trip weekly so she can see the baby that is thoughtful of you and a nice opportunity for MIL and your child to spend time together. Me or my husband would say something to her to stop her going on: good of you to offer but I’m not ready to be away from her for a good few months etc or I want to soak up all my time with her before I go back to work etc. My baby is a month older and although I could think of loads of things I could do without her or my husband, I’m not fussed, I have had plenty of time for that in past and will in future this is a short period of time. It’s nice going for walks, classes, museums, cinema, swimming, shops etc with her or her and my husband. So she only really spends time alone with us, though it is of course nice, and I think important, to socialise them with friends and family. MIL has said she’ll look after ours but I don’t want her to, not when she’s so little. I don’t trust her to look after her alone for various reasons (and husband of same view) but aside from that I like my baby around us and she likes being around us. Also I exclusively breastfeed so I’d need to express in advance, sterilise bottles, teach baby to take a bottle and speak to MIL about feeding cues (she ff hers as most did in 80s I think) and then pump for relief whilst away. None of that sounds like “ a nice break”. There will be a time when you’re grateful for the offer but it sounds like it’s not now. Plenty of time in future.

You had me up until:

I haven't even left him with my own mum yet!

Do you make it obvious that you think of her as th second rate grandmother behind your own? Becuase if so I can understand her wanting to treat dgc as much as possible and on her own to not have that idea believed by the dgc!

"My baby is 12 weeks old and I have struggled to bond with him, which is a whole different story."

I wonder if it is, though. Your MIL is basically saying she wants to take your baby and bond with him, which you're having difficulty with. It's not surprising to take that badly - e.g. if it reminds you of problems bonding and makes you feel guilty or pressured as to how you should be.

Your child is 12 weeks old, that’s nothing, of course you don’t want to leave

My SiL did this with my first baby. She refused to come to the christening and provoked an entire family feud, roping in friends as well - apparently I had been mean and disrespectful as I wouldn't "give her the baby overnight" - DH didn't want to give her the baby overnight either (or even for 5 minutes in the day) but it wasn't his fault, it was mine.

We've now been NC for over 16 years and I have to say its worked out really, really well.

Maybe it's just me, but I think it's weird. It's certainly not the norm here in Ireland for a granny to demand alone time with a newborn. Visit, yes. Spend time with the family, yes. But to expect the new parents to fuck off while they play 'mummies' is just weird.

This.

Whoops!

Sorry of course you don’t feel ready to leave him yet. That doesn’t mean that others didn’t leave them at an earlier age or feel differently than you do. ( I left one of mine at 1 week old for an hour happily, but the other took me longer)

But what needs to be calmly and clearly said is this.
-You really appreciate the offer of alone time, hiwever at the moment the idea of leaving you baby would not be calming or restful to you.

• you welcome them to come and spend time with the baby with your present. Even if that means you are upstairs in the bath or having a rest.
• if they continue to push you on this the contact between them and baby will get less, not more.

It isn't their baby to bond with

No, it's only their grandchild or nephew, after all. [sceptical] They're his relatives. Why on earth wouldn't they want to bond with him? Your baby is part of a family.

I sometimes wonder, when people are complaining about lack of interest in their children from family members, whether this sort of attitude is the reason why.

They're only offering to babysit for a couple of hours and 3 months isn't a newborn. It's always been the norm in my family and I loved seeing my dcs comfortable with their grand parents.

But it it worries you, then, obviously, don't. But no reason to think of it as 'weird'.

Do you make it obvious that she is the second rate grandmother?

No, I see my own mum once every month or so due to distance.

Or I try not to, I put the effort in to visit weekly and I send her photos almost daily as an update because she likes to know how he's getting on.

You don't force the bonding - it happens gradually over the course of their childhood.