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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ABIU mother in law demanding time alone with little one?

149 replies

Colourmeblind · 31/01/2018 15:00

My baby is 12 weeks old and I have struggled to bond with him, which is a whole different story.
Anyways, MIL and SIL got us restaurant vouchers for Christmas which was a lovely gesture or as they called them 'babysitting' vouchers. I take our son to her house maybe once a week, it's only half an hour away. She's been to ours once since he was born.
She keeps making snide remarks about her wanting him to herself for the afternoon and that she wants to spend time with him without us there!
He's 12 weeks old and I want to spend time with him, I go back to work in 3 months time! My partner works until 10pm in the evening so I would be sat at home on my own all afternoon. AIBU or should I just accept she doesn't want me there and use the time to myself?

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 31/01/2018 18:38

I personally think it is very snide her comments about 'how rude it is we haven't used our vouchers yet.'

So they were only given to manipulate you into leaving your baby with her!
I'd tell her straight you won't be manipulated like this and/or hand the vouchers back.

My other half is having six months of to care for him
How easily manipulated is he by mil?
Will he insist on his/your boundaries being respected and follow through with any consequences if she doesn't?
I'm just wondering whether she will jump at the opportunity to boss her son around which will end up with your dh constantly taking your baby round there for her.

Parental leave is precisely that - his time to actually parent his own child and do the stuff that a stay-at-home-parent does......not leave baby with grandma whilst he goes off doing his own thing.

Original poster
Colourmeblind · 31/01/2018 18:46

Q

OP posts:
Original poster
Colourmeblind · 31/01/2018 18:48

No he hardly sees her as they don't really get on that well, hence why I always end up heading round once a week. He tells me not to but I think it's unfair.

I'm sure she will try but we have a united front about this (I think?)
Will probably have to have a good discussion about it before I head back to work.

OP posts:
Hissy · 31/01/2018 19:17

Give her the vouchers back if she’s put out they’re being used

Your baby is only 3m old and of course you don’t want to leave him!

Your mil is bonkers

Only on mn are there in laws who demand alone timewith a tiny baby

The answer to which is HELL NO!

Bear2014 · 31/01/2018 19:19

I would definitely use the vouchers to go out for lunch and take baby with you - at 12 weeks it's easy enough to do so. Then send a thank you card telling them how lovely it was Grin

My MIL did this weird thing that whenever someone handed her our newborn DD she immediately went into the other room with her by herself. Weird and baffling.

Weezol · 31/01/2018 19:21

Given your recent update I'd knock off the weekly visit. If she's that bothered she can come to you, if and when it suits you. You have done your duty by her now, it's time to enjoy your own little family.

Hissy · 31/01/2018 19:21

A gift with conditions or expectations that you’ll do something for someone else is not a gift

Return the voucher and tell her to go and enjoy herself

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 31/01/2018 19:24

I like Bears idea. Classic and bloody funny.

We had our grandson stop overnight at 6 weeks to give our ds and dil a break but we certainly didn’t see it as a right!!! Just help when requested. She sounds wierd.

AveAtqueVale · 31/01/2018 19:25

My MIL hasn’t yet dropped this and DS is now 3. We actually have very good reasons for her not to have him alone (some elements of DH’s childhood that he struggles to remember fully but are enough in their fragmented form to give us pause), but even if not her constant insistence over the last few years would have put me off. She doesn’t seem to understand though that I don’t want to leave him with anyone. He goes to nursery three days a week (though 2 atm while I’m on maternity leave with DS2) and DH will take him out when he’s off and that gives me enough of a break- I actually like spending time with him! Her latest thing was ‘accidentally’ booking a holiday lodge without enough rooms so she and DS1 would have to share Hmm. We’ve just said he’ll be sleeping in with us.

Fwend · 31/01/2018 19:28

Bear - mine used to do that too, while smirking at me over her shoulder as she disappeared from view. I'd had a section and couldn't get up to follow her. It made me murderous.

Lookingforadvice123 · 31/01/2018 19:29

MILs are bloody weird. Mine is nice overall but she was/is the same about having “alone time” with DS (now 2!). We have made the most of it in that she has babysat a lot (we had several weddings last year, most of which were away) and I don’t feel guilty as I know she lives for it. I don’t know why she wanted alone time with him when he was small. Now he’s two I know it’s so she can let him watch copious amounts of TV and give him chocolate/cake as she thinks DH and I are too strict (we’re not!). When he was really young, she once said “it’s my dream to for him to come to my house, then for him to cry and say I don’t want to leave Nanny’s house when you come and collect him”. I mean, why would that be your dream? She’s bonkers.

12 weeks is young. Keep offering for her to pop over to yours as you have, but tbh I would make less effort to go there (unless you like the opportunity to get out of the house).

JediStoleMyBike · 31/01/2018 19:31

My DD was well over 6 months before I felt comfortable leaving her with ILs alone. They spent time with her in our home infrequently and I had gone and had a bath when they were with us once but otherwise I didn't like the idea of leaving DD with people she only saw once a week very very briefly. It might be wrong of me but suffering PND quite badly it was just how I felt. Still do really.

Do what you are comfortable with. They aren't babies long, as I keep being told.

GummyGoddess · 31/01/2018 19:50

@Bear2014 My FIL used to take mine to a different room when I specifically asked him not to due to my anxiety (serious enough that I require antidepressants) as I felt panicked. He just did it anyway and kept doing it, so I stopped passing DC to him. My mum did wonder off with DC but as soon as I said I was getting anxious she brought him straight back and didn't do it again.

I don't mind now, but DC was very little, he was/is my first and my mental health had taken a massive battering at the time.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 31/01/2018 19:57

Hissy on thinks its because dils have found somewhere to share horror stories Grin

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 31/01/2018 20:00

looking for advice that's awful
That would be mines dream too.

She gave dd a t shirt saying... That's it I'm off to grandma's...

But now dd is older and has seen mils spite in action she doesn't like going there. In fact we use.. Shall we send you ti grandma's as a threat in this house.

Namechangeuser · 31/01/2018 20:43

@bear2014 my mil still does this and it drives me crazy! The moment DD is in her arms she whips her off to another room...why?!

I don't understand why it only seems to be mil that do this, my guess is that they want time with baby and Dil is just seen as a nuisance in the way.

Drives me crazy.

DollyDayScream · 31/01/2018 20:46

Try and see the positive - she wants to get to know her grandchild and you get a break.
It must be hard to be a mil, cut her some slack and make a hairdressers appointment or similar.
You'd be gutted if she wasn't interested. Look for the intention, I don't think that there is anything there to worry about.

PeggySueOooOo · 31/01/2018 20:51

I completely and utterly trust my in laws with my DC but she was over 1 before I left her with them. Even then we stayed close by so we could get back quickly and most importantly it was our decision.

Don't let anyone pressure you in to doing something you are uncomfortable with regarding your child.

We also had a restaurant voucher which had to be used when DC was under 1. We contacted the restaurant to check we could bring her and they provide a high chair. DC was about 7 months old at the time and just played whilst we enjoyed 3 courses of fancy food. It was wonderful.

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 31/01/2018 20:54

Looking

No we are not all wierd really I am nice ( doing a Kiera knightly love actually)

Yours sounds vile though.

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 31/01/2018 21:00

But Dolly to be a good mil you need to understand your dils/sils!

What upsets one may not upset another snd you need to know this. It’s not that hard you just get to know them. Be nice he tactful

And then they want to leave the grandchildren with you! Wink

RemainOptimistic · 31/01/2018 21:18

Tell Mil to get to fuck. Your baby is not a toy.

What is with grandparents taking baby away alone? My DM tried doing this a few times to the point where I had to physically remove my baby from her arms. I thoroughly recommend reducing contact with any and all unpleasant and demanding individuals in your life. You don't need to tell her you're reducing contact or why. Simply be busy and unavailable. Repeatedly. It is liberating.

badg3r · 31/01/2018 21:41

It's rude you've not used the vouchers?
It's rude she has given you a "present" that forces you into a position you are not comfortable with and lets her get her own way!

Order of priority goes:

Baby
You (and DH)

Everyone else

It is not helpful for your baby to be left with granny at this age and it's not helpful for you. That's perfectly ok and she should accept that, if you explain it gently. I would be giving her much more of a wide berth from now on. It is very telling that your DH doesn't care much for spending time with her.

HateTheDF · 31/01/2018 21:43

Not read the full thread but YANBU. This is your baby and you do what you want and what you feel comfortable with.

Puddinchops · 31/01/2018 22:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

JoeyMaynardssolidlump · 31/01/2018 22:06

puddin

We do all that and manage to not upset our dils.

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