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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ABIU mother in law demanding time alone with little one?

149 replies

Colourmeblind · 31/01/2018 15:00

My baby is 12 weeks old and I have struggled to bond with him, which is a whole different story.
Anyways, MIL and SIL got us restaurant vouchers for Christmas which was a lovely gesture or as they called them 'babysitting' vouchers. I take our son to her house maybe once a week, it's only half an hour away. She's been to ours once since he was born.
She keeps making snide remarks about her wanting him to herself for the afternoon and that she wants to spend time with him without us there!
He's 12 weeks old and I want to spend time with him, I go back to work in 3 months time! My partner works until 10pm in the evening so I would be sat at home on my own all afternoon. AIBU or should I just accept she doesn't want me there and use the time to myself?

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 31/01/2018 16:28

I am bemused by the suspicious eye a lot of pps are casting over baby 121 time with anyone other than mum and dad. Paranoid much?
Not paranoid about doing it. Suspicious about someone pushing for it.

Like, if someone made you a cup of tea, you'd have no problem drinking it. But if they asked every five minutes "have you had that tea yet" you'd wonder what they'd one to it.

OhCalamity · 31/01/2018 16:29

I love having the grandchildren on their own without parents around, we can build our own relationship, but there are times when it is nice to see them with their parents.

That's lovely, Camping, when the children are older, and the OP is certainly facilitating a relationship between granny and the baby with weekly visits. But I doubt you'd have insisted on alone time at 3 months or when it was obvious that the mother was uncomfortable with it? Or making her feel bad if she politely declined?

I don't think you would, as you sound considerate of others.

Thissameearth · 31/01/2018 16:32

Seriouslycanitgetworse I agree and would have wanted, if not me, then my husband to be the first person my baby saw as we’re her parents. I actually already told my husband before going into hospital that if something happened to me then I wanted him to be with baby not me and after grumbling he agreed as he saw how important it was to me.

I remember thinking in early weeks I don’t want offers to look after my baby I want them to clean my house and make me food so I can look after my baby (esp as exclusively bf) so that’s what I’ll be offering in future. I saw a poster which said a grandparent’s job is not to mother the baby but support the new parents so they trust themselves and I agree with that.

blackberryfairy · 31/01/2018 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NuclearPenguin · 31/01/2018 16:36

I am currently 7 months pregnant and reading the advice with interest, whilst my LO is not even born yet I know that this a bridge I will be crossing with my own MIL. She goes to great lengths to inform me of all the ways that she will be looking to take the baby off me. Like the OP I am only able to take 6 months leave and those months are going to be so precious that there is very little chance that I am going to want to hand the baby over for the entire weekends that MIL is envisaging!!!

I know some PP have spoken about the bond they have with their DGC and I certainly wouldn't want to deprive MIL of her relationship with DC when they arrive. However there is a huge difference between being there to offer support and letting a new mother know that you are there to help if she needs it and pressurising your DIL, or DD for that matter, and demanding one on one time.

My MIL lives at the other end of the country which could be more of a curse than a blessing (LONG visits) and I know she is jealous that my own DPs are close by. However whilst there is no heirarchy between the GPs I know that my own DM will follow my lead, allow us to parent in the way that DH and I want to; back off when I ask; and provide as much practical support in the early days (cooking, putting on a load of laundry) as she does baby cuddles. MIL has made it quite clear she sees it as her right to ignore any of our wishes due to "grandma privellege" and any and all help will be holding the baby only. I have seen it in action with my DN... so at least I know what I am in for.... I guess... Shock

OhCalamity · 31/01/2018 16:39

Yep. I just don't get it either. I also don't trust it. What do they want to do without me being there? Something I wouldn't be happy with, I'll bet.
At a guess, dressing them up in preferred clothes (fairly harmless) feeding formula instead of breastmilk, putting cereal in the bottle, trying to wean them, tummy sleeping, wrapping them up in multiple blankets so they are overheating and all so she can do it 'right' and prove to you that you are doing it 'wrong'

You'd arrive back to find your baby conked and had been given cereal in the bottle, put on the tummy to sleep or whatever and her smug as fuck telling you what a better mummy she is than you.

It's competitive and petty. She's not doing it for altruistic reasons, otherwise she'd be the kind of MIL who would land over and say "off you go to bed with a cuppa and have a nap. I'll bring in the baby for the feed when he wakes. In the mean time, where's your sweeping brush and I'll do a bit of housework so you can rest"

Weezol · 31/01/2018 16:42

Going by your first post, you've been over to her house what, 6-8 times and she's only been to you once even though you had an emergency c-section?

That would be a no from me.

KickAssAngel · 31/01/2018 16:43

If your weekly visits to MIL are awkward, then you don't have to go. Just wait until you're home, then text/ring & say "I need more time with my child, so we won't be coming on xx day, but will see you on y day later."

If she can't accept that you're still new to being a parent and need time to feel confident/good about that then she isn't being supportive. Parents & child comes first, then other considerations.

EggsonHeads · 31/01/2018 16:43

I don't think that anyone apart from spent time with my baby without me for the first six months. He was breastfed and fed very frequently so it wasn't really possible to not be in the same building for more that 20 minutes.

Originalfoogirl · 31/01/2018 16:44

otherwise she'd be the kind of MIL who would land over and say "off you go to bed with a cuppa and have a nap. I'll bring in the baby for the feed when he wakes. In the mean time, where's your sweeping brush and I'll do a bit of housework so you can rest"

Can I adopt you as my MIL? Our girl is 8 now but this still sounds heavenly. The hoover is under the stairs, and you’ll find the ironing board in there too 😉

Bringonspring · 31/01/2018 16:46

It’s still really early days but as someone who doesn’t have any help outside of my DH I would take it!!

OhCalamity · 31/01/2018 16:57

Originalfoogirl I'm not a MIL yet, DS is only 5 but I'm taking notes from these threads Wink

I was very lucky in that both my DM and MIL when they offered help, it was genuinely to help me. They asked for a routine or schedule, and followed it religiously, with the mother on speedial if they had any questions.

Like I say, here in Ireland I've never heard of grandparents expecting alone time with a baby. And we can have some absolute weapons of MIL's here too. Not mine, she's a dote!

sallyarmy1 · 31/01/2018 17:00

Sally it's wonderful that it worked out well for you but personally I would be heart broken for my dd if I not she had had those precious first moments. I wouldn't feel particularly happy about it.

Well it wasn't like she had a choice!

She had a pretty rough time, her husband also.

My DD was VERY happy that it was ME that was looking after her son, my grandson, rather than a midwife/nurse.

And I was more than happy to do it.

What a strange way of thinking you, and a lot of other PP on here have.

Why the emphasis on MOTHER-IN-LAW??

She is also a mother and grandmother!

JackmanAdmirer · 31/01/2018 17:09

Your mil is a cow!
Don't be dictated to by her op!

Jux · 31/01/2018 17:12

If you don't want to leave your baby, or have 'time off' then don't.

He is so so so little, there is so much time ahead for familial bonds to be made. Honestly, even someone who doesn't see a baby until they're 6 months old but then sees them regularly can make an un breakable bond.

I think your mil is being a bit ott, and you should stick with what you feel for the moment. She can visit and play with him, and there's no need to banish you at all.

Namechangeuser · 31/01/2018 17:15

Don't feel pressure to do it if you aren't comfortable. I have never understood the obsession some grandparents have about having a baby alone. My mil is the same, and has been making comments about it since her birth. She's nearly 1 and I still haven't left her, no intention to do so. I'm not keeping her from anyone, mil can see as much of her as she wants, she just has to accept that I am.part of the package.

BewareOfDragons · 31/01/2018 17:20

I wouldn't have left any of my babies with anyone alone if they were actively pressuring me to do so.

That will be entirely my decision, thank you very much.

Ceecee18 · 31/01/2018 17:28

It's not a weird way of thinking @sallyarmy1, I think most people would want the first person their baby saw to be them or their partner. And as nice as it is that you have a close relationship with your daughter, not everyone has that. I didn't even tell my mother that I was being in labour, or had been in hospital for a week being induced as she would instantly have tried to take over, try and push DP out of the picture as she could be more 'helpful'and make the whole thing about how worried she was. Different people have different relationships with family members.

OP, I have a 6 month old DD she has not been looked after by anyone other than me or DP despite my parents and MIL offering repeatedly and SIL telling me I have let others feed her and just let her cry when they do so she gets used to them and they can have her overnight. I just say 'no thanks, not comfortable with leaving her yet' and change topic. Your baby, your rules.

Ceecee18 · 31/01/2018 17:32

Oh and MIL gave us money for Christmas so we could have a meal out and offered to have DD. DP just said no thanks, we will go at lunchtime and take her with us, it's nice to take her out. Just do the same.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 31/01/2018 17:39

oh calamity I agree!!

That would be caring and kind. This isn't it's sly

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 31/01/2018 17:42

I would have had no real issues with my dm seeing dd on arrival into this world because dm was a beautiful caring wondeful person who wouldn't have been disrespectful to me and put herself into competition with me. She did things out of genuine kindness Nd love

However my dm would have been a little sad she got those moments not me...
And no, not in a million years would I have wanted a woman who is nasty and is horrid to her own son having those precious moments.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 31/01/2018 17:43

name

I thinking you have hit the nail on the head there.
Many mils just dint get on with dils so I suspect this is the bottom line they don't want dils as part of the package.

Slanetylor · 31/01/2018 17:54

When I was a new mum and still naive enough to think I could get on with my MIL she did exactly this. I study that she have DD for afternoon so I could go off for time on my own. I hated it because DD was a nightmare and I was a wreck and my DH was rubbish. So every Wednesday I'd drag myself out of bed on no sleep, try and clean the house a bit, and have a shower while trying to placate a screaming baby. I then had a 3 hour ( to the minute) slot to fill outside the house. I didn't have enough time to go into the city because it was almost an hours journey , and I got caught in traffic once getting home, and she was sour that I was late. So I used to go local coffee shop on my own or do the grocery shopping. I still think back now to what an idiot I was, and wish I hadn't let her dictate what I did.

QuizzlyBear · 31/01/2018 18:28

My MIL started a whole campaign to have my DS1 call her 'Mummy HerName*, which freaked me right out!

Eventually the boundaries will get set (in her mind as well as yours) but it takes time and now and again you need to reinforce them with a 'hard line'....

toomuchangelcake · 31/01/2018 18:35

@QuizzlyBear completely agree!

My MIL does this, she just says "Mummy" though. I haven't confronted it yet because she only does it when DH is out of the room and I've felt like I'm loosing the plot. But she says things like "ohhh you like mummy's sparkly watch" whilst flashing her watch to lo.

Words have been had with DH and that shit will be immediately shut down when she says it next! Grin

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