Oh gosh I remember writing a mumsnet thread about my mil and sil when I was about 6 months pregnant with my daughter 7 years ago. They live 2 hours drive from us and I couldn't travel for long because of awful spd, pretty much housebound by then. So they came to visit and hadn't seen us for about 6 weeks, so my bump had obviously grown a lot. The minute they walked in they came straight towards me with arms outstretched, to feel my bump! I was really shocked, they had their hands all over me, talked about baby to husband and didn't really speak to me, in the end dh said I should sit down in a bid to get them away from my bump!
It really freaked me out and I felt like I was basically a baby incubator for them and not a person at all. They kept talking about when the baby arrived they'd look after her and have her to stay at theirs for a few days, we could drive 2 hrs to drop her off, come home and get a couple of days rest and then come back to collect her! They got out the Argos catalogue and started going through all the baby stuff, then my sil said she liked this cot, mobile, buggy etc and would buy them for her house for when dd stays with her! She even said she'd have her own room! At this point she was single and lived on her own, was late 30's and I wondered why she wanted to have her brother's newborn baby staying at her house in own room with things she'd chosen that were big expensive things! It's not even like her and dh are very close! I would have thought she'd prefer going out with friends, dating etc! She did meet someone eventually a few years later, unfortunately they've had a really rough time with multiple failed ivf the last few years and I feel terrible for them, but 7 years ago she was single and in late thirties, it was creepy!
Mil always wanted alone time with dd as soon as she was born, we said it was too early. I really struggled to bond with her after a complicated pregnancy and hermorrhage after c-section. When dd was 6 weeks old mil offered to come and stay the night so that we could catch up on some sleep. I'd bf at first but by 6 weeks was also pumping and using bottles as well as some formula top ups so we said yes please. My own mum and dad had told me they were apparently too old at 70 to help, not until dd was older and "easier to look after". So we jumped at the chance of one decent night's sleep and mil came. I made sure all day she knew how we did things with dd and her little quirks and cues, felt confident going to bed early that night that dd would be fine with mil, if someone was feeding her she was happy! If there were any problems she'd come and wake us, she didn't. Next morning mil looked really pale and not v well, v quiet and keen to get home. Turned out she found it really hard work and didn't want to do it again! She would just come for visits in future, 7 years later they visit us for a few hours, we visit them for a few hours, and she's never offered to help out again! Sil had said she'd come and stay overnight to give us a break too after mil did it, so a few weeks later we did the same with her. Next morning it was the same as with mil, my sil was all pale and quiet, obviously v tired and like we'd also said to mil told her go to bed and get some proper sleep before you do the 2 hour drive home. Sil also never offered to help again, in 7 years nothing! We don't ask for any help so it's never mentioned. Luckily once dd was a bit older my own parents offered to help out occasionally and since dd started school they are very good.
This is from mil and sil initially wanting a baby not even born yet to go and stay with them have her own room and stuff there! Mil admitted she'd forgotten how hard it was getting up for night feeds but sil never spoke about it again, we can only assume she found it really hard and so never volunteered again. None of this stopped them both from hovering and grabbing dd from me on visits, quite often they'd go straight to her when we pulled up in the car and grab her out of her car seat and walk off ahead with her, totally ignoring me! Dh at least got a hello. It's all very weird I don't get it at all, why alienate your dil, and make it clear she's nothing to you, an unfortunate consequence of your son / brother getting married. I don't know if in some cases it's caused by insecurity and jealousy? There was probably a bit of this with mine, although over the years I've found slowly they have accepted me.
Also when your ds is older he'll have his own opinion and will act on it, my dd will now say things like she doesn't want to go and stay with the in laws when they mention it, says she'll miss mummy and daddy too much and she likes our family get togethers / visits just how they are. Mil keeps saying "maybe when you're older!"
Ignore her op, it's all about how you feel especially with such a young baby, and sorry but she just has to deal with it even if she can't understand or respect how you feel. She has no automatic right to alone time and I can't understand why people like this can't see that if you let things develop naturally and not be pushy, demanding or use emotional blackmail then these things would eventually evolve naturally, or at a later age when some kids ask to do things / stay with their gp's, there is plenty of time for their relationships to develop!