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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ABIU mother in law demanding time alone with little one?

149 replies

Colourmeblind · 31/01/2018 15:00

My baby is 12 weeks old and I have struggled to bond with him, which is a whole different story.
Anyways, MIL and SIL got us restaurant vouchers for Christmas which was a lovely gesture or as they called them 'babysitting' vouchers. I take our son to her house maybe once a week, it's only half an hour away. She's been to ours once since he was born.
She keeps making snide remarks about her wanting him to herself for the afternoon and that she wants to spend time with him without us there!
He's 12 weeks old and I want to spend time with him, I go back to work in 3 months time! My partner works until 10pm in the evening so I would be sat at home on my own all afternoon. AIBU or should I just accept she doesn't want me there and use the time to myself?

OP posts:
lifetothefull · 31/01/2018 15:51

Thank her for her kind offer. Say that you are not ready yet to do this and you'd like to wait until dc is a bit older. Reassure her that it's not about her, just your own feelings. Acknowledge that you know some mothers would jump at the chance but you are enjoying this stage.

Petalflowers · 31/01/2018 15:57

You are under no obligation to leave your baby with MIL or anyone else. I'm guessing she just wants to show baby off to her friends. However, she is not the mother, you are, so,do what's best for you.

sallyarmy1 · 31/01/2018 15:59

This post is really sad.

I was my DD birthing partner, along with her husband. I held my grandson before either of his parents did. My daughter had delivery problems, so while the midwives were attending to her, with my fantastic SIL comforting her, I got to hold and comfort my baby grandson.

Our bond is amazing - I was the first person he saw when he opened his eyes. I had an amazing 10 minutes with him ON MY OWN. And my DD wouldn't have it any other way. My home is his second home, he has his own bedroom, clothes and toys here.

DD, 9 years later, is now expecting GS number 2 and I will be her birthing partner again :)

Her MIL, on the other hand, was not really interested when he was a baby, and now has hardly any relationship with our GS. She has no bond with him and he hates going to her house.

She has now decided that she wants to play a bigger part in the new babies life - DD has basically told her that is not going to happen now.

Such a shame.

I ♥ being a GM, it is amazing.

diddl · 31/01/2018 15:59

How often did her parents/Ils have her kids alone?

It's a thing that some people do & some don't.

I wonder if my parents were strange.

They enjoyed time with me as well!

MrWasheeWashee · 31/01/2018 16:04

People can be very selfish when their relatives have babies. You will leave him with her when you're good and ready. There is no set time frame for this, if you weren't ready for 2 years I wouldn't judge you. It's weird that she's so desperate to take him off you. As for the comment above about being second rate grandma, of course you're closer to your own mother! I didn't want anyone else to look after mine without me until my mum had done because behind my husband she's the person I trust most.

gussyfinknottle · 31/01/2018 16:04

I had to go back into hospital after DD was born. The hospital was hideously understaffed and I was too poorly to care for my dd in hospital (she wasn't poorly, I was). She stayed with a frightened dh and my mil. It still upsets me a bit that I was too ill for those precious early days and that mil built a strong bond with her instead. Mine came a few weeks later.

Which is a bit silly. Dd needs a bond with her different family members and I couldn't take care of her myself at that time. We were lucky to have someone around. My late mum was too far away and already very elderly.

Ilovecamping · 31/01/2018 16:04

Speaking as a grandparent.
I spent a lot of time with my Nan without my parents, and remember only good times and that is what I want for my grandchildren. The feeling you have for your grandchildren is different to what you feel for your children. I love having the grandchildren on their own without parents around, we can build our own relationship, but there are times when it is nice to see them with their parents.
Go with your feelings.

MeridianB · 31/01/2018 16:05

YANBU.

The only thing that matters here is how you feel and what you want. Trust your instincts. If she is getting to see him often then there is no reason for her to have him alone if you don't want that.

And you are right to think about the time you have left as it goes SO fast and I was pretty shell-shocked when I returned to work and it sunk in that those magical (OK, tough but magical) months had gone. I often think about how lovely they were when I am having a rubbish day at work.

Just thank her and say 'Not right now, maybe in a few months'. If she keeps on about it then perhaps your DP can have a word.

Steeley113 · 31/01/2018 16:05

What’s your plan for childcare when you return to work? I’m not saying you need to leave him now, but if MIL is part of childcare plan then in the next month or so you really need to start letting her have him for short periods of time just to let him settle and figure out the routine. If he’s going nursery then leave him with her when you want to.

StaplesCorner · 31/01/2018 16:08

Visit, yes. Spend time with the family, yes. But to expect the new parents to fuck off while they play 'mummies' is just weird. - have no idea which poster said this as its copied in a comment above, but my oh my doesn't that just sum it up. Lets just keep copying and pasting this!!

Original poster
Colourmeblind · 31/01/2018 16:10

Sallyarmy1
That sounds like an amazing thing for your family and I am have not and won't denie her spending anytime with him.
I had an emergency csection under general anaesthetic so I didn't get to hold him until 4 days after he was born as he was poorly in NICU.
I would have loved that experience with our family but it wasn't something we could do.

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 31/01/2018 16:10

@sallyarmy1 Your post could have been written by me. I cut my now 10 week old grand daughters cord and comforted her whilst the midwives helped my DD who haemorrhaged.

The OP isn't our child though and she is not ready to trust someone other than her husband with her son. She is more than entitled to feel that way and her MIL is out of order putting pressure on her to do so.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 31/01/2018 16:12

I'm another who is aghast at what on earth they want to get up too while your not there.
What can they did that they can't do in front of you.
The restaurant vouchers are of course a gift only to themselves.
So I would say out right. Thanks so much for the vouchers but it's becoming clear, we arnt going to make it out.. Please take then and you use them.

Or op, go with any friend whilst dh baby sits after all they are supposedly your gift ti use as you want??! That would be a nice surprise for them.

It's sneaky and controlling. Not nice at all.

Tell her straight and get dh to tell her.

Originalfoogirl · 31/01/2018 16:12

But to expect the new parents to fuck off while they play 'mummies' is just weird.
Yep. I just don't get it either. I also don't trust it. What do they want to do without me being there? Something I wouldn't be happy with, I'll bet.

I personally think it is very snide her comments about 'how rude it is we haven't used our vouchers yet.
What a cheeky mare!! I'd be annoyed at that too. Hand them back and say you don't think you can use them before the expiry date, can she get you some chocolate to enjoy instead.

Original poster
Colourmeblind · 31/01/2018 16:13

*what are your plans for childcare when you back to work?

My other half is having six months of to care for him.
We can't afford to live on his wage and my maternity for a year but we can afford to live on my wage and his shared parental leave.
It was a tough decision.

OP posts:
Originalfoogirl · 31/01/2018 16:18

I had an emergency csection under general anaesthetic so I didn't get to hold him until 4 days after he was born as he was poorly in NICU

I had a similar experience because she was preemie, and used that as an excuse for pretty much every thing I didn't want to do in the early days. "oh no, doctor says she can't be around lots of people, so we can't have your entire extended germ laden family around to pass her about like it's a party game a family get together.

Stick to your guns, enjoy your cuddles and don't worry about the bonding. It will come. It might seem like it's a struggle but he will have bonded with you even if you don't think you have bonded with him.

sparklydust · 31/01/2018 16:19

I am still having this problem all these years later (my DD is 5 and we live over 100miles away from MIL). I don't feel comfortable with her staying all that way away neither see the need for it considering we visit regularly as a family unit Hmm

Another one vouching for this PP's reply - Visit, yes. Spend time with the family, yes. But to expect the new parents to fuck off while they play 'mummies' is just weird.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 31/01/2018 16:19

Sally it's wonderful that it worked out well for you but personally I would be heart broken for my dd if I not she had had those precious first moments. I wouldn't feel particularly happy about it.

Op my Mil did this too, won hotel vouchers.such a lovely gift for us!! Except dc begging us not to send them!! Not a gift at all.

Thyme out, where is it written you can only bond when you have hours alone with children?!

PaintingOwls · 31/01/2018 16:21

I am bemused by the suspicious eye a lot of pps are casting over baby 121 time with anyone other than mum and dad. Paranoid much? Hmm

MeridianB · 31/01/2018 16:21

Originalfoogirl Wed 31-Jan-18 16:12:54
But to expect the new parents to fuck off while they play 'mummies' is just weird.
Yep. I just don't get it either. I also don't trust it. What do they want to do without me being there? Something I wouldn't be happy with, I'll bet.

Going on previous Mumsnet threads like this, she may want to be the 'first' to feed him solids far too soon .

OP has she offered any advice which you have declined? Bought him clothes he hasn't worn?

Flappyears · 31/01/2018 16:22

I really don’t think it’s weird, snidely or selfish your mil wanting time to bond with your baby. You may be anxious around anyone holding him, for instance, or not keen for anyone else to hold him. Your feelings too are perfectly understandable, especially as you mentioned having struggled to bond early on. But I don’t think it’s helpful to Imply she’s some kind of sinister weirdo, based on the evidence in your OP, at least.

Obviously your feelings come first, as he’s your baby. But surely the kind thing is to have an adult conversation about it, explaining that you’re not ready to leave your baby with her at the moment. You appreciate her interest in him and her desire to help and you enjoy having the company when you bring him over.

If she then is insistent, having heard your POV, you might have more reason to feel irritated and less willing for her to have him in future.

notfromstepford · 31/01/2018 16:22

OP - if you don't want to leave your DS then don't leave him. I also had to go back to work after 6 months with both of mine. The time is short and precious - no one had mine (not that they offered anyway!)
Surely it would make sense for her to have him when you're back at work - so he spends time alone with family then? You have my sympathies - but if you don't want to do it, stick to your guns - you'll never get that time back.

PeachQueen · 31/01/2018 16:23

Oh my MIL was like this (have a seperate thread about her atm!)

I just dont get the NEED for them to have them alone?!

What are they going to different with them when we arent there? Very odd to me!

Just say thank you for the offer but I am OK thanks!

Thissameearth · 31/01/2018 16:24

sallyarmy1 Your comment stood out to me as I genuinely don’t think there’s anything sad about it. She’s a mum of small baby and doesn’t want to leave small baby yet. Small baby has two loving parents, with input from wider family which will increase as child gets older and as the parents and babies want that. I felt like the birth of our child was an intensely emotional and personal moment between me and my husband and one I couldn’t imagine sharing with other family members, even those i love very much. And for me as an adult my husband (and my friends) play a much bigger role in my life than my parents. I expect my daughter will naturally gravitate towards that too. Everyone’s different. So your situation is what it is and it works for you and your family which is great but I don’t think it’s necessarily sad if it’s different.

Original poster
Colourmeblind · 31/01/2018 16:27

has she offered any advice which you have declined? Bought him clothes he hasn't worn?

Feed him cooled water as he's always got sick in his mouth.
I used to put cereal in sons bottle to sleep through night.
He naps far to much through the day.
Managed to get passed these with the phrase 'I know when I was little my Mum was given the same advice but my health visitor says no because of....'

OP posts:
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