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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

about use of the car?

187 replies

TotHappy · 30/01/2018 15:32

DH and I used to both have cars, he had an old banger that eventually died, he replaced it with a nutso BMW convertible that we had to take out a loan for and was still way too expensive and impractical, so after 6 months he sold that and he said he wanted to get a push bike rather than another cheap car. So he got one. For £600. He's used it about 30 days in total I reckon (got it in August), as soon as the autumn weather set in he wanted the car whenever it was windy/rainy/cold and this has gone on all winter. I almost never have it in the week. Just the last month or two, I've had it every Thursday as I need it for work (I am a SAHM mostly but do 8 hours a week, mostly from home but 2 hours in the office on a Thursday. This involves working in one office then dashing to another to drop stuff off by lunchtime and I often have DD with me). He gets a lift in on Thursdays.
Last night I told DH that this isn't working for me, and I need the car more. I explained why - I have chores to do for work, I want to take DD places, she's getting too heavy for me to carry her and the shopping back from town etc. He initially was just like 'well I don't know what to suggest because I need it for work too'. I said, why not use your bike? He said 'because its nasty and horrible out there'. I said ok why not sell your bike and get a car? he said because he'll want to use the bike when it gets nicer, and we can't afford a second car (it would be a struggle, but we've done it before we can do it again. His argument is we could only afford an old banger so lots would go wrong with it etc etc but like I said, we've managed before.) After a bit of this back and forth, I said 'but it's my car', which I knew he'd take objection to, and he did. He was clearly pissed off, but went out and came back in and said, how about two days a week I have it and the other 3 he does, is that enough? I said not really, I don't know when I'll need it, it's for errands. He was still pissed off but we seem to have just left it at that for now. We've recently finished a course of relationship counselling (triggered by other things but the things we were working on are probably relevant to this dynamic over the car...) and so we're both trying to communicate better. So although I think: 'it's my car! i want to use it whenever I want! you chose to sell yours!' I don't want to actually say that to him as it will trigger WW3, all about him providing etc etc sacrificing his own car etc etc.
His idea is that it WAS my car when we each had one, but now it's the only one it's a 'family' car.

Who is right??

OP posts:
Blankuser1992 · 30/01/2018 15:35

I’m sorry but he sounds unreasonable and like he doesn’t respect your opinion at all.

He cannot see your side of things because he concerned with his own needs etc

I would go back to counselling and advise if his behaviour

Or leave him

Sirzy · 30/01/2018 15:38

Does he need the car when at work? If not can you not drop him off at work so you have the car?

If you can genuinely only afford one car then you both need to compromise to find the best way around it

PiffIeandWiffle · 30/01/2018 15:40

You've gone from having 2 cars (1 each) which was too expensive - I'd have to say that with only 1 car you may have to share a bit more.

Compromise is key....

HesterShaw · 30/01/2018 15:41

Yanbu. He is. Why didn't he get the car he could afford in the first place? Or just get on his bike - as long as you have the right clothing and equipment a shortish bike ride is ok if the weather isn't too awful. How long is his commute?

WTFIsThisVirus · 30/01/2018 15:42

I think you should do the sums and check you can actually afford a second car.

In the meantime, I don't see why his compromise can't work. Or maybe you could drop him to work, as another poster suggested.

20Large · 30/01/2018 15:42

How is it your car and not a your (plural) car?

Any man would be lambasted for saying what you are.

He uses it for work. You need it for work once a week and he gets a lift on that day. You want the car around for when you might need to run an errand?

YABU

ItsNachoCheese · 30/01/2018 15:44

I would keep on using your car as and when you want as it is yours. Not our car, your car! He chose to sell his car and get a bike and now hes moaning that he wants the car? Nah thats tough he wanted a bike so got a bike and he has to lump it. Why should you give your car up because hes being a princess when it rains?

Nicknacky · 30/01/2018 15:45

I think I would be happy to share the car during the winter if he then uses the bike during the summer. I don't blame him for not wanting to cycle when it's snowing and raining.

mickeysminnie · 30/01/2018 15:49

If he got a lift on Thursday can he not organise a lift share and pay the driver?

nocake · 30/01/2018 15:52

I cycle to work every day, rain or shine. Half the time I also have a kid on board, to drop at nursery. Tell him to grow a pair, stop whining about the bad weather and get on his bike.

youngnomore · 30/01/2018 15:52

Why cant what he suggested work?

mrsm43s · 30/01/2018 15:54

I think since you only have one car, it's the family car. In the same way as when you only have one income, it's the family income etc.

I think his compromise seems fair - you are a SAHM, and have the flexibility to orgainise your time, so fit the plans that need a car around the days you have a car. Presumably, as you're both adults, if there was something unmovable that you needed the car for, then you could swap days around etc. Maybe some days you could drop him at work/collect him etc. Flexibility and compromise is the key. And presumably come the spring/summer he will use his bike again, and you will have the car more.

Graphista · 30/01/2018 16:05

Is there NO public transport where you are? I'm pretty rural but there's still quite a good bus and train service for an adult to use. He could also arrange a lift - I think there's even websites you can do that now and he just pays a contribution to petrol costs.

At the very least you BOTH need to compromise. Yes you need it on Thursdays for work but do you really need it every other day? Can't you plan you errands/shopping trips?

jaseyraex · 30/01/2018 16:11

Tell him to use the bloody bike! It's a bit of rain, it won't kill him. My husband rides a bike to work in all weather. He walks if it's too icy. It was his decision to get a bike so he should use it regardless, bikes aren't just for summer time! Failing that, can't he get a bus or train?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 30/01/2018 16:13

I think you are right. I am wondering why ww3 would erupt when you told him the truth though? He did choose to sell his car.

I would tell him he can have it three days until the end of February and after that he is on his bike but he needs to think about next Autumn/winter as you won't be sharing then

20Large · 30/01/2018 16:21

To all those saying it's the OP's car and not shared, does the same apply to his salary whilst she works 8 hours a week?

MikeUniformMike · 30/01/2018 16:21

Mr and Mrs Happy had two cars. Mr Happy sold his car and bought a bike. Mrs Happy's car became Mr and Mrs Happy's car but Mr Happy still has the bike.
Mr Happy uses the car so Mrs Happy no longer seems to have a car.

If I were MrsHappy, I'd send Mr Happy to work on his bike and reclaim my car.

ems137 · 30/01/2018 16:23

I had the exact same issues last year with my husband but I didn't put up with it for very long. I had a toddler and a newborn and I just wouldn't even risk going on public transport near us and there not being room for the pram etc. I didn't buy a pram with buses in mind because I haven't used one for 11 years!

I told him I was sick of being tied to the house when my car was sat in a car park unused all day. A taxi only cost him £5 a morning but he still didn't want to. I told him tough, if he didn't do something about it then I'd buy whatever car I could afford out of our bank account and use it myself

Jigglytuff · 30/01/2018 16:27

@20Large - I'd imagine the rest of the time that the OP is looking after their child. Perhaps she should go back to work full time and drive to work every day. That would solve the problem :)

MikeUniformMike · 30/01/2018 16:30

@20Large, I read your post as you thought MrHappy should have the car because he is the breadwinner. Are you still in the 1950s?

stickytoffeevodka · 30/01/2018 16:34

Hang on, why is it okay for him not to want to go to work on a bike in the wind and rain, but it's okay for OP to drag a toddler and shopping home in the wind and rain?

Indaro · 30/01/2018 16:40

My car is the family car too.

That means if DH's car is off the road it's 20 years old...this happens fairly frequently but he loves the sodding thing then whoever has children responsibilities is the one with the car that day unless its entirely impractical (eg when my husband works on call)

Whoever doesn't have children responsibilities (with the notable exception of the on call shifts) just has to lump it and make their way to work by hook or by crook.

Your DH is being unreasonable because if your car is also the family car then it stands to reason that the person with child responsibilities for that day gets access to it.

Mycarsmellsoflavender · 30/01/2018 16:44

Well can you afford another car or not? Not just the purchase price but the tax, insurance, upkeep, MOT and fuel. If you can't, then I think it's only fair that you compromise and share the car you have. It was his choice to sell his car but he did it because of the cost. Commuting by bike for most of the year if he can do it will be free ( and as an extra bonus good for his fitness). We managed like this but with a motorbike instead of a pushbike for several years when DS1 was a baby up until he started school. In winter, DH took the car, unless I needed it in which case I dropped him off, and the rest of the year he rode his motorbike and I had the car. Saved thousands which we could then put towards a second car when I needed it every day to get DS to school.

Bluelady · 30/01/2018 16:47

You can drop him off and puck him up or come to an amicable arrangement whereby you have the car two days a week and get your stuff done in those two days or ask him to do the shopping on his way home. There are three compromises, there may well be others.

AngelsSins · 30/01/2018 16:58

Sounds like he made some bad choices which he wants you to suffer the consequences of. As someone else said, why can he not cycle to work in the rain, but it's ok for you and your toddler to walk in the rain? He needs to sort out this problem that HE created, and in turn you should be supportive, but that doesn't mean you should make all the sacrifices.

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