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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

about use of the car?

187 replies

TotHappy · 30/01/2018 15:32

DH and I used to both have cars, he had an old banger that eventually died, he replaced it with a nutso BMW convertible that we had to take out a loan for and was still way too expensive and impractical, so after 6 months he sold that and he said he wanted to get a push bike rather than another cheap car. So he got one. For £600. He's used it about 30 days in total I reckon (got it in August), as soon as the autumn weather set in he wanted the car whenever it was windy/rainy/cold and this has gone on all winter. I almost never have it in the week. Just the last month or two, I've had it every Thursday as I need it for work (I am a SAHM mostly but do 8 hours a week, mostly from home but 2 hours in the office on a Thursday. This involves working in one office then dashing to another to drop stuff off by lunchtime and I often have DD with me). He gets a lift in on Thursdays.
Last night I told DH that this isn't working for me, and I need the car more. I explained why - I have chores to do for work, I want to take DD places, she's getting too heavy for me to carry her and the shopping back from town etc. He initially was just like 'well I don't know what to suggest because I need it for work too'. I said, why not use your bike? He said 'because its nasty and horrible out there'. I said ok why not sell your bike and get a car? he said because he'll want to use the bike when it gets nicer, and we can't afford a second car (it would be a struggle, but we've done it before we can do it again. His argument is we could only afford an old banger so lots would go wrong with it etc etc but like I said, we've managed before.) After a bit of this back and forth, I said 'but it's my car', which I knew he'd take objection to, and he did. He was clearly pissed off, but went out and came back in and said, how about two days a week I have it and the other 3 he does, is that enough? I said not really, I don't know when I'll need it, it's for errands. He was still pissed off but we seem to have just left it at that for now. We've recently finished a course of relationship counselling (triggered by other things but the things we were working on are probably relevant to this dynamic over the car...) and so we're both trying to communicate better. So although I think: 'it's my car! i want to use it whenever I want! you chose to sell yours!' I don't want to actually say that to him as it will trigger WW3, all about him providing etc etc sacrificing his own car etc etc.
His idea is that it WAS my car when we each had one, but now it's the only one it's a 'family' car.

Who is right??

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 05/02/2018 11:21

How about he gets a lift into work and you pick him up and you all go shopping, for food after work..

That way you can use the car during the day, and he gets home on time.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 05/02/2018 11:25

If he doesn't like going on his bike in winter then he should get the bloody train. It is useful for you to have the car to do stuff that also benefits him - shopping, taking his child out etc. If he takes the car then it is sat at work all day.

If the weather is terrible, or you know you won't need the car that day then it might be nice for him to take it. But I get the feeling that if you allowed it now and again, soon enough he will be 'accidentally' oversleeping so he wouldn't be in time for the train.

MissDuke · 05/02/2018 14:41

OP this sounds like a bloody nightmare. It seems you are stepping around each other trying hard to not offend etc when actually these issues need dealt with. I don't agree with posters who say he is gaslighting, I think he is just selfish and immature rather than controlling etc.

I think you both need to start afresh with the car thing, whats done is done. Ultimately if you cannot afford two cars then you need to find a way to share one, rather than you thinking of it as yours. He absolutely needs to wise up and get the train to work though on days he doesn't need the car. That is common sense surely! And he needs to sell the bike.

CapnHaddock · 05/02/2018 16:19

Your family's right OP. Your husband is an immature point-scoring dick.

The dynamic in your relationship is fucked - you shouldn't have to be training your adult husband how to be an adult. He can presumably act as an adult in other aspects of his life so why is he choosing to be an immature fuckwit in his relationship? And it is a choice. You had to take the car keys to prevent him from drink driving? Good grief.

Like I said earlier, he has made zero compromises. You on the other hand are dancing around him while he threatens divorce because he tried to take your car to work.

I don't think you're going to make this work. You've had counselling and he is still not treating you as an equal but a subordinate whose needs and wants are secondary to his own.

TotHappy · 05/02/2018 18:16

I'd like to make it work. You might be right, but I dont feel at the end of my rope yet. I'd like to try being more calm and assertive about saying what i need and want without being afraid that he'll get angry.

OP posts:
CapnHaddock · 05/02/2018 18:28

Well you can't change how he behaves, only how you do. Read through what you've written on this thread. I don't see how you can stop him 'getting angry' unless you dance to his tune. That's abusive.

CapnHaddock · 05/02/2018 18:29

biowrite.wordpress.com/2013/10/24/boiled-frog-relationships/ any of this resonate?

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/02/2018 18:39

I'd like to try being more calm and assertive about saying what i need and want without being afraid that he'll get angry.

OP if his anger is partly what drives your communication (or lack of it), it isn't you that's the controlling one in this relationship.

TotHappy · 05/02/2018 21:26

No, i don't think so Capn Haddock. We've been together a long time so most of my friends are his friends too. They don't warn me against him, though they do sympathise when he's a selfish arse. As for the anger thing, it's complex isn't it? I dont think his reaction to disagreements is healthy, but neither is mine - I don't like conflict. I could tell him what i feel and if he doesn't like it, that's not my problem - instead of always trying to take responsibility for keeping him happy. We've fallen into a pattern that's unhealthy, agreed, but i don't think that's entirely one way.

OP posts:
Emerencealwayshopeful · 06/02/2018 01:20

I bet if you send him shopping with an exact detailed list of what to buy then you are being controlling. And if you don’t, then it’s your fault he didn’t get the right thinks.

And it’s actually more work (for me anyway) to work out exactly what we need and in what quantities and send a list than it is to just go to the shops. This still applies now, even though I can’t push a trolley because wheelchair so have to take a child with me to push and lift and carry.

There are always reasons to stay or leave a relationship. And I can’t make your choices. But this goes deeper than his casual appropriation of things he wants. Accusing you of abusing him when you withheld the keys to your car that you planned on using shows that he doesn’t actually understand what abuse is and why it’s a problem. And if he doesn’t understand that then as your family grows either you will continue to enable him or you will eventually find that his contribution to your family is more negative than positive.

It also sounds like maybe he considers his contribution to be worth more than yours now, as the current sole earner. That is also worth finding time and space to unpack.

You are not being unreasonable. He is. You need to decide how to handle it.

You didn’t sign up for being stuck with a baby and no car, and while in many places a car is not the main mode of transport, it sounds like you entered into motherhood and maternity leave with the very reasonable assumption that you would have transport during the day.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/02/2018 02:33

Stop.

Honestly, just stop.

He is in the wrong.

He is controlling YOU.
He is gaslighting you.
He’s a bully.
He’s manipulative.
He’s selfish.
He’s lazy.

Why in God’s name didn’t you let him go through with the divorce?

I am as unfit as fuck. Truly. I could cycle 6 miles to work & back, 5 days a week. HE could, Or he could walk. Or he could walk/train/walk.

Take back control of YOUR life. Tell him you’ve slept on it and you’ve changed your mind. You want YOUR car back. He can use his bike or walk/train. He chose the stupid car then the £1000 bike/kit. He won’t fucking melt, great pansy. It’s only 6 bloody miles.

As for your jeans. God give me strength. He’ll be borrowing your bra next, just because he can.

CapnHaddock · 06/02/2018 07:30

Oh I knew you'd been together for years. I could tell. That's what I mean by boiled frog.

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