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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

about use of the car?

187 replies

TotHappy · 30/01/2018 15:32

DH and I used to both have cars, he had an old banger that eventually died, he replaced it with a nutso BMW convertible that we had to take out a loan for and was still way too expensive and impractical, so after 6 months he sold that and he said he wanted to get a push bike rather than another cheap car. So he got one. For £600. He's used it about 30 days in total I reckon (got it in August), as soon as the autumn weather set in he wanted the car whenever it was windy/rainy/cold and this has gone on all winter. I almost never have it in the week. Just the last month or two, I've had it every Thursday as I need it for work (I am a SAHM mostly but do 8 hours a week, mostly from home but 2 hours in the office on a Thursday. This involves working in one office then dashing to another to drop stuff off by lunchtime and I often have DD with me). He gets a lift in on Thursdays.
Last night I told DH that this isn't working for me, and I need the car more. I explained why - I have chores to do for work, I want to take DD places, she's getting too heavy for me to carry her and the shopping back from town etc. He initially was just like 'well I don't know what to suggest because I need it for work too'. I said, why not use your bike? He said 'because its nasty and horrible out there'. I said ok why not sell your bike and get a car? he said because he'll want to use the bike when it gets nicer, and we can't afford a second car (it would be a struggle, but we've done it before we can do it again. His argument is we could only afford an old banger so lots would go wrong with it etc etc but like I said, we've managed before.) After a bit of this back and forth, I said 'but it's my car', which I knew he'd take objection to, and he did. He was clearly pissed off, but went out and came back in and said, how about two days a week I have it and the other 3 he does, is that enough? I said not really, I don't know when I'll need it, it's for errands. He was still pissed off but we seem to have just left it at that for now. We've recently finished a course of relationship counselling (triggered by other things but the things we were working on are probably relevant to this dynamic over the car...) and so we're both trying to communicate better. So although I think: 'it's my car! i want to use it whenever I want! you chose to sell yours!' I don't want to actually say that to him as it will trigger WW3, all about him providing etc etc sacrificing his own car etc etc.
His idea is that it WAS my car when we each had one, but now it's the only one it's a 'family' car.

Who is right??

OP posts:
TotHappy · 01/02/2018 21:20

Graphista Shock had not thought of that, I can well imagine him saying that!

I think he should've just cycled and got used to it but that ship's sailed so will try the 2 days thing and expect him to start cycling again when the weather's finer. Another month, tops, surely? When he started last summer, he wanted to ease his way into it I.e. Not go from zero exercise to 5 days a week, which probably does make sense, but still, say another month of easing and I expect by Easter to have my car back full time. If that's not happening, will have to have another conversation about selling the damn bike.

It was £600 because it was second hand, he originally suggested spending around £1200. Don't think this is the exact same one he wanted though. I don't know, maybe it is a bit crap, I only know I can't ride the bugger, feels like it's cleaving my vag in two!

OP posts:
robertaplumkin · 01/02/2018 21:45

wow he sounds like (a) an idiot (b) a selfish arse. no idea why people put up with this and PROCREATE with these sort of partners. honestly my mind BOGGLES.

Graphista · 02/02/2018 10:41

He's basically lazy so there'll always be excuses

Bluelady · 02/02/2018 10:52

TotHappy, there seem to be a lot of people here whose default position seems to be combative and they appear to be hellbent on making you exactly like them.

Your husband isn't lazy, if he were he'd be sitting on his arse collecting benefits. He works full time to provide for his family. He's made some stupid decisions - we all do that - and hopefully he'll learn from them.

I hope the bike works out in the summer but even if it does, you'll both be back where you are now next winter. As I see it, you need two cars because nothing else will resolve this in a way that works for both of you.

Team TotHappy needs to sit down and put its heads together to work out how to make that happen. It's bloody miserable being in a state of war with your partner and it doesn't have to be like that with a bit of give and take.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2018 14:54

He's made some stupid decisions - we all do that - and hopefully he'll learn from them.

We learn from having to cope with the consequences of our actions. He's making sure that his partner copes with the consequences of his actions.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 02/02/2018 15:56

I can't get over the fact that there is an easy train ride. He's lazy.

CapnHaddock · 02/02/2018 17:10

Yep absolutely MrsTP. I’ve never made stupid decisions and then expected someone else to pick up the pieces. But I’m not a man

CapnHaddock · 02/02/2018 17:14

You keep talking about compromise and give and take @Bluelady but where is the compromise from him? Or the give? He’s got a hugely expensive bike gathering dust.

The fact that he never even bought waterproofs demonstrates that he had no intention of riding it every day. I reckon he just wanted to show off to his mates/colleagues that he had a fancy bike.

Missingstreetlife · 02/02/2018 17:35

My car is my car. My partner uses it but he asks every time. He gets the bus or train to work. You could take him off your insurance if he never does shopping or shares long journeys or anything useful. Cf.

TotHappy · 04/02/2018 15:15

Ffs.. Ok clearly this is not directly relevant, but today my DH is wearing my jeans. I've asked him before not to as it stretches them so they dong fit me properly afterwards. I just want some things that are mine!! I don't want to share EVERYTHING! Bloody hell, I was prepared to accept I was being unreasonable about the car, but surely this isn't normal?! He just takes whatever he wants. This morning I discovered that he'd unplugged my phone from my charger last night when he came to bed after me, presumably to charge his. ?!?!?
Do married couples really have no right to their own possessions?! Do any of you help yourself to all your partner's stuff like this?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/02/2018 15:23

I think it probably is relevant. He doesn't care about your things, he doesn't care about your needs, he just does whatever he likes. Particularly when you've asked him not to. I wear DH's hoodies but not the Paul Smith one, because it's special.

Does he do nice things for you?

TotHappy · 04/02/2018 15:29

Yes.
But in all honesty, I would rather he did the things I asked him to do/not do.
I know he would say it's it a big deal, he wouldn't care if I took his stuff to wear, and I know that's true... But the point is, surely that I DO care so he needs to treat me how I want to be treated, not how hd would like to be treated, if that makes sense?
I am definitely more precious about my stuff than he is and I realise that everyone is different which is why I spell it out that I don't want him using certain things e.g. jeans. Having spelled it out though I feel disrespected if he does it anyway.

OP posts:
barefoofdoctor · 04/02/2018 15:34

Why does he get to have a fancy pants bike and main use of your car? I'd say 50/50 on the car and he sells his bike and gets a cheaper one and you also get a cheap bike with child seat? Failing that I'd tell him to fuck right off. Fairweather princess.

Graphista · 04/02/2018 15:36

Yes it matters! Geez I live with my dd and that's a different power balance I STILL ask before using her charger/headphones/tea mug it's just common courtesy has he NO respect for others belongings?!

CapnHaddock · 04/02/2018 16:20

He sees your needs as secondary to his basically. What he wants is more important than what you want.

He doesn't sound like he has much respect for you at all

Graphista · 04/02/2018 16:38

Well said Capn that's exactly it - your needs and desires matter less than his.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/02/2018 17:00

But we're not talking about you borrowing his things. We're talking about you damaging his things, disrespecting his things and inconveniencing him based on your needs.

Utterly fine to sell his bike without his input based on his own behaviour... I'd get online and flog it.

Bluelady · 04/02/2018 17:03

Well, I've defended him so far but wearing your jeans is taking the piss.

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 04/02/2018 17:06

Agree it's now the family car. But also think he should be cycling. Sod the weather - if you ahve the proper clothes it's no bother. I spent years cycle commuting 14 miles a day in all weathers, including snow. I didn't break. In fact it was the healthiest I've been.

babyccinoo · 04/02/2018 17:18

Easter? Fuck that! Give him two weeks to start riding his bike full time or flag his bike.

TotHappy · 04/02/2018 17:48

Well, I've just quietly said can you ask please before borrowing my things, those jeans are my only good ones etc and he said yes I will, sorry. We'll see. I don't want to start fights unnecessarily but I do need some personal space and glad I'm not alone in thinking it's taking the piss!
Re the bike, I don't have it to sell, it's at his workplace but yes if he doesn't start using it when it warms up i will tell him it has to go
utterly pointless, if he only wanted it for the summer we could've put the money in savings all winter and at least accrued some interest.

OP posts:
butterfly56 · 04/02/2018 18:00

He is a man child OP who takes what he wants and chances of change are very slim. Wearing your jeans is just another control issue for him which is exactly what he is doing with the car and the bike!

Drop him off at the train station every morning and let him makes his way home at night!

Do not let him control every aspect of your life.
Unfortunately this guy has really got to you because no matter how much you try and reason with him...it's always you who sounds unreasonable.
He is making your life really hard work and there is no compromise with him. Flowers

TotHappy · 04/02/2018 18:08

That's funny, one of his main beefs with me which has come up in arguments and counselling is that I am controlling. The other is that I am so negative. That's why I have been trying to approach this whole thing with 'this isn't working for me' rather than 'You need to stop this.'
There's no denying we have had much less tension and fewer arguments since the counselling, but I am working on being assertive about what I need without being critical.

OP posts:
Graphista · 04/02/2018 18:38

He's controlling you by SAYING you're being controlling. You're not, you're expecting a perfectly reasonable level of respect and consideration

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 04/02/2018 20:19

Has he taken them off? Or is he still damaging them - whilst knowing it upsets you?

Because I suspect I know the answer to that.

I’m cycling to work tomorrow btw. As I always do.

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