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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

about use of the car?

187 replies

TotHappy · 30/01/2018 15:32

DH and I used to both have cars, he had an old banger that eventually died, he replaced it with a nutso BMW convertible that we had to take out a loan for and was still way too expensive and impractical, so after 6 months he sold that and he said he wanted to get a push bike rather than another cheap car. So he got one. For £600. He's used it about 30 days in total I reckon (got it in August), as soon as the autumn weather set in he wanted the car whenever it was windy/rainy/cold and this has gone on all winter. I almost never have it in the week. Just the last month or two, I've had it every Thursday as I need it for work (I am a SAHM mostly but do 8 hours a week, mostly from home but 2 hours in the office on a Thursday. This involves working in one office then dashing to another to drop stuff off by lunchtime and I often have DD with me). He gets a lift in on Thursdays.
Last night I told DH that this isn't working for me, and I need the car more. I explained why - I have chores to do for work, I want to take DD places, she's getting too heavy for me to carry her and the shopping back from town etc. He initially was just like 'well I don't know what to suggest because I need it for work too'. I said, why not use your bike? He said 'because its nasty and horrible out there'. I said ok why not sell your bike and get a car? he said because he'll want to use the bike when it gets nicer, and we can't afford a second car (it would be a struggle, but we've done it before we can do it again. His argument is we could only afford an old banger so lots would go wrong with it etc etc but like I said, we've managed before.) After a bit of this back and forth, I said 'but it's my car', which I knew he'd take objection to, and he did. He was clearly pissed off, but went out and came back in and said, how about two days a week I have it and the other 3 he does, is that enough? I said not really, I don't know when I'll need it, it's for errands. He was still pissed off but we seem to have just left it at that for now. We've recently finished a course of relationship counselling (triggered by other things but the things we were working on are probably relevant to this dynamic over the car...) and so we're both trying to communicate better. So although I think: 'it's my car! i want to use it whenever I want! you chose to sell yours!' I don't want to actually say that to him as it will trigger WW3, all about him providing etc etc sacrificing his own car etc etc.
His idea is that it WAS my car when we each had one, but now it's the only one it's a 'family' car.

Who is right??

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 31/01/2018 09:36

OP I’m with you 100% I think he’s totally in the wrong here and he needs to live by his decision to use the bike in all weathers. it’s not your responsibility to chase round after him, giving him lifts when he’s got a perfectly good mode of transport that HE chose. I’ve been without a car with 2 dc and it’s a right royal pita, why should your life be more difficult just because he wont get the train or use his pushbike.

It would be a different matter if you couldn’t afford two cars and you only had the one. Then I’d be the one saying you need to work together. But he’s had a perfectly good car, wanted an expensive beemer which he got, wanted an expensive bike which he also got, won’t sell that to buy another car, but expects you to go without because the novelty has worn off. Seems you have 2 children on your hands

ArcheryAnnie · 31/01/2018 09:53

It's your car, and you get to decide who uses it and when. If you want to occasionally lend it to your DH, that's up to you. If you need to hang onto it, he has to find an alternative without just appropriating your stuff.

However - I'm always a bit astonished by grown adults who are helpless in the face of no car. Your DH can cycle in winter, just as many other people do (there was an amazing pic on social media the other day of the Canadian PM's wife cycling though the snow to take her youngest to school), and you can learn to do errands without totally relying on the car, too. It's really not good for children to grow up thinking every journey MUST be taken by car, as you will spend their teenage years being their chauffeur, and they will not learn independence. (Then, too, they are unlikely to be able to drive as much as most people do now, when they are adult, because of rising prices and carbon targets, but that's another thing.)

reDoux · 31/01/2018 09:56

For those who cycle, can I ask what is reasonable to pay for a bike plus wet weather gear?

I'll be honest, you're asking the wrong person. I spent more than £650 on suspension forks. £120 on a saddle last night.

Realistically, a quick look at Halfords suggests that anything £500 is false economy. Add £50 for a helmet. £50 for shoes. £60 for a jacket. £35 for bottoms (3/4 length lycra or bib shorts) and the same again for a top. £15 for gloves. That's about £750. Depending on how cold it is you may spend £10 on a warm headband and £10 a pair for waterproof socks or £20 for waterproof overshoes. Lights are another £20 and £40 for a bike lock ...

You could shop around for bargains but you have to know what you're looking for. I could build a cheap commuter bike (called 'pub bikes' by those in the know Smile ) for £100 but that's by buying second hand, putting it together myself and knowing what a good price and good component is.

I think that £1,000 for the commuting set up isn't too excessive despite the hatred of cyclists on MN (not you).

I cycle-commute 3 days a week and motorbike twice. I rode over 10,000 miles last year and think that whilst you could be annoyed at the expenditure on the bike, you shouldn't be. I said what I thought about you sharing the car.

The only part I wholeheartedly agree with you on is giving up on the bike so quickly.

newyearsameme80 · 31/01/2018 10:02

He’s a big kid, and not in a nice way.
If you really can’t afford two cars it should be split 50/50 - so you get it three days one week and two the next. And of course tou’ll Have it full time in all the warm months when he’s cycling Wink

Graphista · 31/01/2018 11:30

Geez it gets worse, so there's a train he could get too but he Cba to get out his pit to get it?!

Nah! He's being a selfish git!

iceallmighty · 31/01/2018 11:55

I pay for and own my car.
My dh owns his car.
If he sold his car for a bike but then wanted my car because he can't be arsed to cycle I would be telling him to sod off Shock

Tell him to sell the bike and stuff to go with and buy a car. You can get a decent runaround for £1k.
He shouldn't have been such a tit and bought a car he couldn't afford to keep in the first place.
If I couldn't afford my loan for my car I wouldn't sell it and expect to use his all the time.
What a twat

Bluelady · 31/01/2018 12:09

OP, what I'm saying is that you have to deal with what you've got now. Yes, your partner made a mistake, yes he's made stupid decisions that have put both of you in a bad place. I don't condone that but it's done and nothing can undo it. You both have to find a way forward now and draw a line under what's happened before. How long are you going to hold this against him?

The options are you carry on as you are which is clearly untenable or he sells the posh bike - inevitably at a loss - to buy a v cheap car or you share the car you've got. If it's the latter you can take him to or collect him from work some days or fit your stuff into the days you have the car. What you do need to do is behave like adults and create a harmonious solution. That's what grown ups do.

steff13 · 31/01/2018 13:51

Actually, it seems like him getting the train to work is an option. Or riding the bike that he insisted he would ride in all weathers. I think one of those things is what grownups would do.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/01/2018 16:19

There's a train, there's a bike, there's lifts. But there's also a wife who can be inconvenienced so that's what he chooses. Nobber.

pictish · 31/01/2018 18:00

“What pees me off is that when he suggested getting a bike not a car I was taken aback and said but are you really sure you'll want to cycle, especially in winter and he said, yes I'm sure. His justification for getting such an expensive bike was that because it's nice he'll want to use it more and because it's light (it's carbon fibre) it'll be no chore to cycle. I thought it was crazy money but since it was him going to be using it, I let him have his way. He then spent another £400 on lights and a helmet?! I mean, he took a grand from the car sale to get the lot, so presumably he got a few bits and then just spent the rest on whatever. He hasn't got waterproofs or gloves.”

So basically, he took a notion to himself that he fancied being a cyclist and had to have all the top of the range stuff to look the part...but doesn’t enjoy the actual cycling because it requires effort, unlike handing cash over for a bike that belongs with an actual cyclist rather than a beginner who doesn’t like the rain, a helmet he won’t use or lights he doesn’t fucking need.
What a showy, irresponsible twat! Is he 10?

pictish · 31/01/2018 18:02

And once again, no way would he be getting my car. How pathetic.

HesterShaw · 31/01/2018 18:02

He then spent another £400 on lights and a helmet

Jesus. Are they made of diamonds?

TotHappy · 31/01/2018 18:22

We'll im guessing they weren't actually that much. He must've just spent it on other things.
We had a discussion last night, I apologised if it seemed that I don't care about him, I said I'll need it either Monday or Tuesday as well as Thursday and we'll see how it goes. I might raise the bike thing again another time though, ask him what his plan is, because writing this has made me realise he did actually commit to riding it all year, except in the very worst weather. We never had a discussion about why it didn't happen, he just slipped into taking the bike every day. I would be less aggrieved if he had said 'look, I thought I was up for the cycling, but turns out I really can't face it at this time of year, so what shall we do?' Then we could have had a discussion about lifts v trains v second car v sharing. Because he never said it and we never had that discussion, I think he feels now like I'm rocking the boat and demanding change of the status quo, but as far as I'm concerned, it's not the status quo we originally agreed.

OP posts:
TotHappy · 31/01/2018 18:23

Sorry I meant he slipped into taking the car every day

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 31/01/2018 18:26

He spent A THOUSAND POUNDS on a bike, lights and a helmet?! After admitting he'd made a huge financial mistake with the car already?! Does he have no common sense or is it just hard for him to admit he's cocked up twice in quick succession?

TotHappy · 31/01/2018 18:31

He has no money sense, no.

OP posts:
Lucked · 31/01/2018 18:34

OP I am with you, I would be mega pissed off in your position. I think alternating three days per week is fairer and he can cycle or train/cycle it once a fecking fortnight. If he starts actually taking the bike on the odd rainy day he might realise it is not as bad as he has worked it out to be.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2018 18:43

'What a showy, irresponsible twat!'

Well, anyone who buys a BMW convertible they can't afford . . .

Weezol · 31/01/2018 18:43

He either gets the train, sorts a lift or cycles. End of. It is not up to you to get him to work on top of all the other things you do. We make choices and we deal with the consequences of those choices.

He does know that lots of people don't have cars at all and manage fine with public transport, right?

Bluelady · 31/01/2018 18:49

Hats off to you, OP, for having that conversation and starting to sort it out. It sounds as if communication has started to get better between you. I really hope it all works out. It's not long before the weather improves and then he can give the cycling a real go and see if it's for him. If not, he'll need to rethink and, hopefully, you'll have another conversation about whether you can sort out another car.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 01/02/2018 11:28

That there is a train easily available is the really shocking thing to me. He shouldn't be needing the car at all.

Cycling in winter really isn't that bad. The problem with a lot of the cycling gear is that you can get sucked into spending a fortune on 'good' stuff. But if you are only commuting a few miles you really don't need goretex jackets and the like. Most of my gear is from Aldi, planet x, amazon etc, and I cycle a reasonable amount. The main things that will make a difference are overshoes and mudguards (you can get clip on ones if the bike doesn't have mudguards fixing points).

I do wonder whether he knows what he's doing though. £600 for a carbon bike is really cheap and it is likely that its not that good. It would be much better value to buy a cheaper alloy bike which would probably last longer too.

I'd be saying go on your bike or get the train unless it's really pissing it down.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2018 11:52

He’s not going to go back to cycling in better weather at this rate, is he? And he could be taking the train fgs.

Two days is better than one I suppose. It sounds to me as if he really is treating his needs as far more important than yours. I can’t remember if you said how old your lo is but as they get older, you’re going to want to go out to activities more. So maybe try to think ahead. Perhaps you’ll find 2 days isn’t working and you will need more. Spring will be here soon and he needs to sort himself out.

Graphista · 01/02/2018 11:58

Actually I suspect the next excuse will be "its too hot I don't wanna be at work sweaty and smelly" he's taking the piss. He made TWO expensive ill thought out mistakes that didn't just affect him and now expects op to bend over backwards so he doesn't suffer any consequences! Tough shit make him cycle/train

Gemini69 · 01/02/2018 12:17

Actually I suspect the next excuse will be "its too hot I don't wanna be at work sweaty and smelly" he's taking the piss. He made TWO expensive ill thought out mistakes that didn't just affect him and now expects op to bend over backwards so he doesn't suffer any consequences! Tough shit make him cycle/train

This Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2018 12:21

I also agree. Right now, he’s not feeling the full consequence of his actions because he’s making you do it both in terms of losing your car and having less money. It’s fine for him to perhaps ask for the odd lift if the weather is really bad or he’s feeling unwell. Apart from that, he should be sorting himself out.

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