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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

about use of the car?

187 replies

TotHappy · 30/01/2018 15:32

DH and I used to both have cars, he had an old banger that eventually died, he replaced it with a nutso BMW convertible that we had to take out a loan for and was still way too expensive and impractical, so after 6 months he sold that and he said he wanted to get a push bike rather than another cheap car. So he got one. For £600. He's used it about 30 days in total I reckon (got it in August), as soon as the autumn weather set in he wanted the car whenever it was windy/rainy/cold and this has gone on all winter. I almost never have it in the week. Just the last month or two, I've had it every Thursday as I need it for work (I am a SAHM mostly but do 8 hours a week, mostly from home but 2 hours in the office on a Thursday. This involves working in one office then dashing to another to drop stuff off by lunchtime and I often have DD with me). He gets a lift in on Thursdays.
Last night I told DH that this isn't working for me, and I need the car more. I explained why - I have chores to do for work, I want to take DD places, she's getting too heavy for me to carry her and the shopping back from town etc. He initially was just like 'well I don't know what to suggest because I need it for work too'. I said, why not use your bike? He said 'because its nasty and horrible out there'. I said ok why not sell your bike and get a car? he said because he'll want to use the bike when it gets nicer, and we can't afford a second car (it would be a struggle, but we've done it before we can do it again. His argument is we could only afford an old banger so lots would go wrong with it etc etc but like I said, we've managed before.) After a bit of this back and forth, I said 'but it's my car', which I knew he'd take objection to, and he did. He was clearly pissed off, but went out and came back in and said, how about two days a week I have it and the other 3 he does, is that enough? I said not really, I don't know when I'll need it, it's for errands. He was still pissed off but we seem to have just left it at that for now. We've recently finished a course of relationship counselling (triggered by other things but the things we were working on are probably relevant to this dynamic over the car...) and so we're both trying to communicate better. So although I think: 'it's my car! i want to use it whenever I want! you chose to sell yours!' I don't want to actually say that to him as it will trigger WW3, all about him providing etc etc sacrificing his own car etc etc.
His idea is that it WAS my car when we each had one, but now it's the only one it's a 'family' car.

Who is right??

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 31/01/2018 06:47

I think you need to make compromises on both sides. He made a very stupid mistake. He bought his dream car when he couldn’t afford it. We all make mistakes.

He should be using the bike at all times unless the weather is too bad and could be potentially dangerous. Ie driving rain, heavy winds, snow, ice etc. Lots of people wear waterproofs and do it daily.

For the short term, could you take him to work and pick him up when the weather is bad? I know it’s a massive pia. I had to do this with dh every day for a month when my car was being fixed so that I had a car. Are his work hours flexible and could you avoid peak times?

I see driving him to and from work as being part of a team. Unilaterally taking the car and leaving you without it isn’t being a team member. Instead of fighting, it’s best to put your heads together and find a compromise, which is fair for both of you but still puts each of you out a bit.

Once the loan is paid off, I’d look at getting another car if it’s doable. I wouldn’t, however, sell my car for 2 old bangers. This will probably end up costing you far more. You know your car, hopefully have looked after it and it’s reliable.

If you sit down and talk with the stance of let’s see how we can work it out together instead of drawing battle lines, perhaps it doesn’t need to be war.

pigeondujour · 31/01/2018 07:09

Why does he think a compromise is three days a week to him and two to you? I'd say the compromise in these circumstances is he'll use the bike but if it's really horrible on days you're not working you could give him a lift.

SootyandMathew · 31/01/2018 07:12

Not sure if i missed it, how far does DH have to travel to get work?

speakout · 31/01/2018 07:28

He sounds quite a catch.

HoneyDragon · 31/01/2018 08:03

He can’t cycle in bad weather but you and your child can walk in it is ridiculous justification for him needing the car more.

And £600 on a barely used bike is ridiculous.

speakout · 31/01/2018 08:09

My car cost me £600.

123namechanged · 31/01/2018 08:15

I saw someone else asked, but I couldn't see if you answered.. or I may have just missed it!

Is it possible for you to take him to work and pick him up?

My DH recently passed his test and he now keeps suggesting that I start driving as I use public transport. He said that if I learn to drive, I could take him and pick him up as he wouldn't need it during the day, but I could use it and be able to go wherever I wanted. He starts at 8:30 so it would be possible. We have a 6 and 4 year old, and I'm due another in April.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 31/01/2018 08:17

YANBU, what is his is his but what is yours is also his.
He is just being lazy, I wouldn't let him have your car.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2018 08:26

LOL @ all the comments about compromise and family finances when he made a unilateral decision to buy an expensive car on finance that he couldn't afford and then a bike he doesn't use.

Thebluedog · 31/01/2018 08:30

Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it. He bought a bike to replace a car and he doesn’t use the bike in the winter. I fully ‘get’ that, but he should have taken this into consideration before replacing the car with the bike. Could he sell his pushbike and buy a cheap car, and save up for a cheap second hand bike, he’s unlikely to use it before April if it’s weather related?

I have a motorbike, for pleasure, but I don’t use it in the winter. I’d never replace my car with it, and if I had to have just one, it would always be the car for it’s practucality.

If your dh lived in his own what would he do?

IreadMNinaBritishaccent · 31/01/2018 08:31

@expatinscotland 🤣😂 what is happening on this thread

Idontdowindows · 31/01/2018 08:52

he made a unilateral decision to buy an expensive car on finance that he couldn't afford and then a bike he doesn't use.

He did, and it was stupid, but it doesn't change the fact that the family now has one car. I wouldn't blame OP at all if she literally said "on your bike", people around here cycle to work in all kinds of weather. But in a relationship, when family assets are scarce, sharing and compromise are nice.

PeggySueOooOo · 31/01/2018 08:59

I would find it so frustrating being in a relationship where one person take all of the control and there is little discussion.

Last year my DH wanted to buy a disgustingly expensive car. When I explained why I didn't think it was a good idea (even though I am a SAHM and he earns the money), he saw my point of view and bought a much more reasonably priced car.

Why is it ok for him to make decisions that affect you?

I don't know what the answer is now that the decisions have been made. I would probably push towards him doing lift shared with the people he works with. Perhaps saying he can use the car one day a week to reciprocate.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2018 09:00

'But in a relationship, when family assets are scarce, sharing and compromise are nice.'

He doesn't want to compromise. He wanted the beemer, he then wanted the 600 quid push bike, now he wants to use the one car left as he sees fit.

Coastalcommand · 31/01/2018 09:03

Could you drop him off on rainy days?

TotHappy · 31/01/2018 09:08

I've just checked the trains... He could get one at 7.55 that would get him there at just after 8. It's literally one stop. The station's maybe a 15 min walk and 15-20 mins at the other end. Or he could cycle to the station, take bike on train, cycle to work. The whole journey would then take 20 mins or so. He works prob 6 miles away or so, 15 mins in car, takes him half an hour on the bike. He starts work at 9, leaves at half 8 if he's driving, doesnt get up till 8. I'm guessing he just wasn't want to get up earlier to use the train. The one time I suggested he get the train one day, he just shut it down with something like 'no, I'll get a lift instead.'
For all those saying it was an expensive mistake but I should let it go, I don't think I am still angry about the car. He didn't get it with NO discussion, when he showed me the car he wanted I actually thought he was joking at first, then I said no way, that won't work for us at all. He basically pleaded, first saying it would work, then saying he really wanted it and it was important to him to have a luxury now that put loves had changed so much etc etc so I eventually gave in on the condition he would forgo other luxuries so we didn't end up worse off financially. But that didn't happen and to give him credit, he did offer to sell the car as soon as I said, we're really in trouble here financially, what shall we do?
What pees me off is that when he suggested getting a bike not a car I was taken aback and said but are you really sure you'll want to cycle, especially in winter and he said, yes I'm sure. His justification for getting such an expensive bike was that because it's nice he'll want to use it more and because it's light (it's carbon fibre) it'll be no chore to cycle. I thought it was crazy money but since it was him going to be using it, I let him have his way. He then spent another £400 on lights and a helmet?! I mean, he took a grand from the car sale to get the lot, so presumably he got a few bits and then just spent the rest on whatever. He hasn't got waterproofs or gloves.
If I seem a bit harsh saying it's my car, sort yourself out, maybe it's because I tried yo be accommodating to what he wanted then, against my better judgement, and now I'm in exactly the situation I didn't want. I don't cycle. I would not be confident taking my DD in a bike carrier and anyway I always have a lot to carry. So he had his own way over a vehicle i can't use, he doesn't use, and he doesn't want to sell. I really think he just cba. It almost never freezes here, today it's not even raining, it's just a bit cold.cycling can warm you up eh? I've offered to buy him gloves and whatever else he needs. He said he'll wait for better weather. I feel trapped - we could at least sell that bike and buy a cheaper one but I know he won't want to.
For those who cycle, can I ask what is reasonable to pay for a bike plus wet weather gear?
Thanks for the suggestions re driving him in, yes I could, it's just a massive pita as mentioned. My daughter wakes up at 8 and usually breastfeeds right away for at least 20 mins, so we'd then have to pile into the car straight away and do the whole getting up routine when we come back. Doable, but would make me feel like I'm starting the school run 4 years before I have to!

OP posts:
Bluelady · 31/01/2018 09:15

I've said it before I know but you're both behaving like children, small ones who haven't been taught to share. I feel sorry for you, your lives are going to be a constant battle, whether with each other or with other people. Neither of you supports the other or treats the other as a team mate. It really doesn't have to be like this.

TotHappy · 31/01/2018 09:15

*our lives not put loves

OP posts:
Jigglytuff · 31/01/2018 09:17

You don't seem a bit harsh at all. MN has been overrun by women who think that SAHMs should put hot dinners on the table, make sure the house is clean and tidy, always being the one to 'compromise' (read: rollover), be kind, be nice and probably spread your legs on demand too because your husband is working and bringing home money.

It's not you.

Jigglytuff · 31/01/2018 09:18

So @Bluelady - if your husband kept pissing money you didn't have up the wall on stupid expensive purchases, you'd just say 'Okay darling, that's fine, what else can I do to make your life easier? We all make mistakes!' and do a tinkly little laugh? What is he, twelve? Confused

TotHappy · 31/01/2018 09:19

Bluelady, honestly, what gives you that impression? What am I doing that's wrong and what should I be doing instead? I honestly want to know, like I said we've been in counselling because we had let the dynamics between us get really poor, so I can accept i may have the wrong attitude here, but I don't see it right now.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 31/01/2018 09:20

He doesn't want to compromise. He wanted the beemer, he then wanted the 600 quid push bike, now he wants to use the one car left as he sees fit.

Yes, I understand he does. My advice is on the basis that OP, who has already put work into learning to communicate better, would like to continue the relationship. You don't go to couples' counselling if you don't want the relationship anymore.

If I were advising based on what I would do, I would have said ditch the fucker 3 pages ago, because he's a selfish so-and-so.

Idontdowindows · 31/01/2018 09:23

For those who cycle, can I ask what is reasonable to pay for a bike plus wet weather gear?

250 for a decent bike, about 80 for decent wet weather gear.

I have to ask: what has he compromised on that you really wanted? Is there any like for like giving in going on?

HappySeven · 31/01/2018 09:23

I paid 600 for my commuter bike on the cycle to work scheme about 3 years ago (so it only cost me about 400 spread over 12 months). My lights were 20 and my helmet 25. I've got various clothes from aldi including some great cycling trousers I've worn for years which are thick at the front to protect my legs from the windchill. My gloves are winter ones from decathlon (another 20?) and I wear them all year round as I have raynaud's.

I cycle in all weathers bar snow and I live in the north west. It's a great way to get some exercise 'without trying' and is faster than a car on most days. My husband cycles in snow even and we leave our cars on the drive. It's about 9 miles each way.

I think I would start with sharing the car - he gets it 3 days one week and you get it 3 days the next. He might find cycling in the winter not as bad as he imagines - I certainly did - and he can always catch the train in bad weather.

mustbemad17 · 31/01/2018 09:33

He spent a grand on a bike & accessories? After being more interested in a luxury car than his family's finances? I'd be telling him to fuck off. The last car I bought cost me less than a grand & was still going strong when I sold it...he was being a selfish prick.

Seems like he makes all the decisions & you just have to suck it up. Personally i'd hide the damn keys. Then if he played the 'you're a SAHM' card tell him okay, i'm going back to work full time. Which means childcare costs will become family problems, as will splitting the general running around after DC/the house after work & at weekends. Prick