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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

about use of the car?

187 replies

TotHappy · 30/01/2018 15:32

DH and I used to both have cars, he had an old banger that eventually died, he replaced it with a nutso BMW convertible that we had to take out a loan for and was still way too expensive and impractical, so after 6 months he sold that and he said he wanted to get a push bike rather than another cheap car. So he got one. For £600. He's used it about 30 days in total I reckon (got it in August), as soon as the autumn weather set in he wanted the car whenever it was windy/rainy/cold and this has gone on all winter. I almost never have it in the week. Just the last month or two, I've had it every Thursday as I need it for work (I am a SAHM mostly but do 8 hours a week, mostly from home but 2 hours in the office on a Thursday. This involves working in one office then dashing to another to drop stuff off by lunchtime and I often have DD with me). He gets a lift in on Thursdays.
Last night I told DH that this isn't working for me, and I need the car more. I explained why - I have chores to do for work, I want to take DD places, she's getting too heavy for me to carry her and the shopping back from town etc. He initially was just like 'well I don't know what to suggest because I need it for work too'. I said, why not use your bike? He said 'because its nasty and horrible out there'. I said ok why not sell your bike and get a car? he said because he'll want to use the bike when it gets nicer, and we can't afford a second car (it would be a struggle, but we've done it before we can do it again. His argument is we could only afford an old banger so lots would go wrong with it etc etc but like I said, we've managed before.) After a bit of this back and forth, I said 'but it's my car', which I knew he'd take objection to, and he did. He was clearly pissed off, but went out and came back in and said, how about two days a week I have it and the other 3 he does, is that enough? I said not really, I don't know when I'll need it, it's for errands. He was still pissed off but we seem to have just left it at that for now. We've recently finished a course of relationship counselling (triggered by other things but the things we were working on are probably relevant to this dynamic over the car...) and so we're both trying to communicate better. So although I think: 'it's my car! i want to use it whenever I want! you chose to sell yours!' I don't want to actually say that to him as it will trigger WW3, all about him providing etc etc sacrificing his own car etc etc.
His idea is that it WAS my car when we each had one, but now it's the only one it's a 'family' car.

Who is right??

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 30/01/2018 20:15

So it's yours when it suits but his salary is family money??

Id certainly be taking the car daily if my partner only worked two hours once a week.

Reverse this to being posted by a woman saying her husband only worked for two hours yet expected to be kept and have the only car as well making the woman find her own way into work. I'd imagine nobody would agree with him.

SciFiFan2015 · 30/01/2018 20:18

DH and I have one car. We have a motto "whoever has the kids, has the car"

Could you try that motto?

Bluelady · 30/01/2018 20:18

Spot on Yellow.

Graphista · 30/01/2018 20:21

Ffs so much 1950's sexist bullshit from some pp's - it matters not that op is for the most part a sahm. She's not sat on her arse doing nothing all day every day while he's down a pit! They're BOTH contributing to THEIR family.

VelvetSpoon · 30/01/2018 20:23

I can see why you needed relationship counselling.

You're still going on about a loan he took out to buy a car he's long since sold. Ok that was clearly a mistake, but have you never done anything you later regretted?

As for running errands, I'm sorry but you don't need to go to shops etc every day and if you do, you should plan your time better. I think sharing it 2 days to 3 is a fair compromise. Unless you can articulate exactly how it's unfair for you on those 3 days and what essential tasks you have to do p5n those days, can't do on others and/ or can't complete without the car, you're BU.

Alternatively the both of you will have to tighten the purse strings to buy another car. Or else get him a motorbike (although not great in cold or wet weather either).

MrsHarveySpecterV · 30/01/2018 20:25

DH and I sit down once a week and plan our free time/evenings/weekends around who has what commitments or plans that's week. Could you do this with the car? So one week you may need it more days and the next week your DH could have more use of it? I really think that when married with children everything is shared between the family unit if possible.

TotHappy · 30/01/2018 20:25

Thanks, you're right, I guess I do need to get over the idea that it's mine, that is how I feel about it but the 'take a deep breath, you are adults in a partnership' thing is why I didn't just rant all this to him. I will try on two days and see how it goes. I am frustrated being stuck at home/short distances from home but I can see that we do need to find something that works for both of us. Perhaps it's the fact that he only cycled for about a month that makes me feel like I will never get my car access back, but I guess I need to give him the benefit of the doubt for now.
We're still paying off the loan because he made a loss of about £1200 when he sold the car, plus some of the loan was for tax and insurance so didn't get it back, plus he kept a grand of the selling price for his bike and accessories. What was left we used to pay off a credit card rather than the loan as it would have only halved the loan anyway.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 30/01/2018 20:25

I cycle to work every day, rain or shine. Half the time I also have a kid on board, to drop at nursery. Tell him to grow a pair, stop whining about the bad weather and get on his bike.

This applies to me too. It really isn’t a big deal - decent waterproof trousers, decent gloves, warm coat and even when it is pouring down I prefer to be on my bike as I don’t get stuck in traffic.

TotHappy · 30/01/2018 20:36

Ok, fuck off does he work to 'keep me'! I work 12 hour days with the DD and house plus my other paid job and being on call 24/7 for the DD! When we both worked full tome, we both bought and paid for a car. Now that I've stopped being paid full time, does everything I once owned revert to him because I 'owe' him? Should I give him my phone too? And my old clothes that I used to wear for work, maybe he could sell those and get himself some takeaways? Since he needs a treat after all this hard work keeping me?

OP posts:
StrongerThanIThought76 · 30/01/2018 22:11

Hmmmm. Tricky one OP.

My ex sold 'my' car without consulting me and insisted on taking 'his/our' car to work less than 2 miles away every day. Usually with the pushchair in the boot because he didn't like it cluttering up the house.

I think yab-slightly-u about accepting that your family now has just the one car - which you both discussed as a cheaper option.

Hib-massively-u for paying silly money - family money seeing as all your assets seem now to be joint - for a bike that he only fancies when it's not cold/wet/dark.

No idea how you go about challenging that though.

NapQueen · 30/01/2018 22:16

Sharing is the only answer here. Either you agree set days (in addition to your thursday) or you drop him to work each morning and collect him.

An alternative is that you text him a list each day of what he needs to pick up from the supermarket on his way home in the car.

You could leave him with dd and a long list of chores and shopping one saturday and take the car for the day, that may open his eyes to the struggle.

reDoux · 31/01/2018 01:28

This reply has been deleted

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AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 31/01/2018 01:40

How far is his commute, and is there adequate public transport to get him there if he doesn't cycle?

Longdistance · 31/01/2018 02:06

If my dh made the balls up with cars and bikes like yours, he’d be walking to work.
We both own our own cars, always have. If he made such stupid decisions he’d have to live with them. My car is my car, end of.

HicDraconis · 31/01/2018 03:45

Your DH’s car died. A loan was taken out for a new one which has since been sold; part of the money from which has gone on credit card debt. Unless the credit card debt was solely your dh’s, it seems that part of his car loan has gone to pay family debt.

Your car was partly paid for with family money. Ongoing running costs are coming from family money.

To me it looks like your car is now the family car. It’s the only car you have as a family and continuing to look on it as yours alone is going to wind you both up.

We had a similar situation when my car died and DHs car became the family car. I also got a bike (it’s a ten minute cycle with some cracking hills) but for various reasons couldn’t cycle in every day. After a few weeks of him giving me lifts in (he needed the car for school runs) and me taking the car on days when I had no choice (so he had to use taxis) we looked at the finances and got a second car.

If you really can’t share your car and your DH can’t cycle regularly, is it worth looking at a moped? It’ll get him to work faster than a cycle, but it’s cheaper to buy and run than a car.

IreadMNinaBritishaccent · 31/01/2018 04:37

Lol at this thread. He sold his car and now wants yours. Tell him to sell his bike and buy a car. Why does he need at 600 pound push bike??

treaclesoda · 31/01/2018 04:59

I suppose it depends on where you live really. When I was a sahm and we went down to one car, DH took the car to work and I walked. But that was because there is no public transport that could get him there, so we had no choice. If he'd been able to get a bus he would have done so and left me with the car for convenience.

LostPlatypus · 31/01/2018 05:16

I think it is really crappy that he didn't even really give cycling much of a go before he gave up because of the weather. If he can't handle September weather then I wonder why on earth he bought a bike in the first place. 🤔

The compromise idea sounds good, but I'd perhaps suggest that on the days he has the car, that he gets shopping on the way home - you could always do a click and collect order if it was supermarket shopping for example. That way you're not lugging loads of bags and a toddler home on foot/the bus.

TornadoOfToys · 31/01/2018 05:37

We have only one car. Last year after a bollocking from MIL for making me carry shopping back from town we agreed that he would take the bike to work if it is nice enough. There is one activity a week that I can't get DC to by bus, on these days if the weather is foul either we go by bus and are 10 mins late or DH takes his bike to the station and gets the train, leaving me the car.
The other days DH decides, at the moment he takes the car pretty much every day. However, the person who has the car does the shopping. Having to shop on the way home from work is an effective incentive for him to take the bike Grin

WTFIsThisVirus · 31/01/2018 06:01

What errands do you do that require constant use of the car? Shit tons of stuff can be done online now. Also, do you not have public transport where you are? I don't drive at all but I've never had an issue getting things done with DS in tow. I think, sometimes, people with cars forget how much they can do without cars!

steff13 · 31/01/2018 06:04

OP, could you sell your car and the bike and buy two less expensive cars with the proceeds?

Personally, I think your husband has been a real dick here. He bought a ridiculous car, apparently without discussing it with you, then sold it and bought an equally ridiculous bike. But, you are where you are now. I would suggest that he rides the bike to work unless the weather is truly horrible, and then you either take him and pick him up or he takes the car. But I think he should be riding the bike the majority of the time.

steff13 · 31/01/2018 06:07

If there's pubic transportation available, surely it will make more sense for him to take it to work and than it would for the OP to drag a toddler in public transportation, perhaps making multiple stops and having shopping, etc.

NSEA · 31/01/2018 06:18

I think you’re quite right to be angry for his expensive mistake, but you need to move on.

He can’t expect you to give up your car, though I agree that it is a family car now. Which in my mind means priority use falls on family things - not work.

Surely if neither of you had cars he would have to find a bus or train to get in?

You could always give him your car and then you get a nice brand new one!

Fairylea · 31/01/2018 06:22

I think it’s the family car since it’s something you both get the benefit of and you no longer have a car each. However, I was going to say what an earlier poster said about selling the bike and the car and getting two cheaper cars...? Is that an option? Or could you even do a long term hire for the colder months (probably only about 8 weeks?) until the warmer weather kicks in? Some local car hire places can be surprisingly reasonable.

pictish · 31/01/2018 06:33

So he sold his car and bought a bike instead but thinks that when he cba to use his bike because it’s raining or whatever, he should get priority over the use of your car?
Ehh haha - yeah...I don’t fucking think so. He’d not get far with me with that shit I’m afraid. He doesn’t want a car except for when he does and then he’ll have yours eh? Loooool...not happening matey! Get on your bike and pedal!

He’ll need to buy himself a wee runaround...like he should have in the first place. It’s a no from me.

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