about use of the car?

[TotHappy]

DH and I used to both have cars, he had an old banger that eventually died, he replaced it with a nutso BMW convertible that we had to take out a loan for and was still way too expensive and impractical, so after 6 months he sold that and he said he wanted to get a push bike rather than another cheap car. So he got one. For £600. He's used it about 30 days in total I reckon (got it in August), as soon as the autumn weather set in he wanted the car whenever it was windy/rainy/cold and this has gone on all winter. I almost never have it in the week. Just the last month or two, I've had it every Thursday as I need it for work (I am a SAHM mostly but do 8 hours a week, mostly from home but 2 hours in the office on a Thursday. This involves working in one office then dashing to another to drop stuff off by lunchtime and I often have DD with me). He gets a lift in on Thursdays.
Last night I told DH that this isn't working for me, and I need the car more. I explained why - I have chores to do for work, I want to take DD places, she's getting too heavy for me to carry her and the shopping back from town etc. He initially was just like 'well I don't know what to suggest because I need it for work too'. I said, why not use your bike? He said 'because its nasty and horrible out there'. I said ok why not sell your bike and get a car? he said because he'll want to use the bike when it gets nicer, and we can't afford a second car (it would be a struggle, but we've done it before we can do it again. His argument is we could only afford an old banger so lots would go wrong with it etc etc but like I said, we've managed before.) After a bit of this back and forth, I said 'but it's my car', which I knew he'd take objection to, and he did. He was clearly pissed off, but went out and came back in and said, how about two days a week I have it and the other 3 he does, is that enough? I said not really, I don't know when I'll need it, it's for errands. He was still pissed off but we seem to have just left it at that for now. We've recently finished a course of relationship counselling (triggered by other things but the things we were working on are probably relevant to this dynamic over the car...) and so we're both trying to communicate better. So although I think: 'it's my car! i want to use it whenever I want! you chose to sell yours!' I don't want to actually say that to him as it will trigger WW3, all about him providing etc etc sacrificing his own car etc etc.
His idea is that it WAS my car when we each had one, but now it's the only one it's a 'family' car.

Who is right??

His suggestion probably could work - I guess I just feel like it's still a pretty selfish arrangement. I think I have two problems:

1. I think it's my car because I bought it. It was bought on finance and probably the last 6 payments came out of his salary as by that time my maternity pay had finished. The tax and the insurance will come out of that money too now. But as others have said, that's family money not just his because I am contributing in other ways. I don't see it as a family car i.e. Equally owned because when it was bought it was park exchanged for one my parents gave me (my first car). The finance deal was in my name. I chose it. As he chose and bought his car. Yes he offered to sell it because of cash, that's great, but he made that decision. I think he even asked me if he could just have mine and I said no I need it, so get a cheap one to replace it. And he decided instead to get a bike. The loan he took out to buy that BMW, we're still paying off out of joint finances. I had no decision on whether to buy that car, I was not in favour of it. I would not have been in favour of getting a bike. He made those decisions because it was HIS car. But apparently I don't have a car. That's what fucks me off. I can't even use his bloody bike (not that I want to) because it's at work!! So if everything's shared, I could just sell his bike, yeah? Like that would go down well.
2. he seems to think his day is more important than mine, and so is his convenience. He doesn't like cycling in the rain - I don't like walking in the rain - but I'm the one that has to do it. With a toddler. Everything takes longer without the car so errands take up lots of our day she could be playing/getting home on time for her nap/ I could be working so I don't have to do it in the evening. He doesn't need the car for work. He just uses it to get there and back. He said last night that the main priority for car use should be getting to work and he goes into work more than me. I think the priority should be journeys, and I make more journeys in a day than him. He said the same, why cant you shop/go to the office etc in evenings but I don't want to!! I want to fucking relax in the evening's, if I ever get the chance!

Ems, this is NOT happening if I have another child. By then our convenience will outweigh him 3 to 1!

To all those asking, he's probably right that we couldn't afford another car easily. We could afford the purchase price, insurance etc but if lots of things did go wrong, we dont have a lot of slack to fix it. I just think he should use his bike, apart from the odd occasion when the weather's really bad. Or lift share. He doesn't want to do that although 2 of his colleagues live a short walk from us and both drive in because a) he doesn't want to inconvenience them and b) there o's a shift pattern where each employee finishes one hour early a week and if that was him he wouldn't want to hang around for hos lift to finish. Or them him presumably.

Ah I wondered if you were still paying off his expensive mistake. I wonder what his poor decisions have cost you as a family.

I'd tell him to piss off with all that extra information. You want your car back. It's yours. If he doesn't want to cycle, that's his problem, not yours.

In all honesty you both sound like petulant children. He's not the enemy, he's your partner. You could take him to work and pick him up, HE could shop on his way home, you could both work together to make it work but you'd rather throw your toys out of the pram. Adults don't behave like this.

Why are you still paying the loan if you sold the car where did that money go

That’s pretty much what I thought blue

I can see both sides and i think the only right solution is some kind of compromise, depending on things like distances to work, public transport options for both of you, could dropping him off either at work or a nearby station work, what are your options locally (and could you get a child seat for bike and feel safe to give even more options?)

The thing is, there are so many factors dependent on where you live and things like local facilities, transport, length of commute etc. that you really need to try to discuss this as a partnership and find a way that works for you all, for the majority of the time. That might mean neither of you get your preferred option, all of the time. But it is V hard for some strangers on the internet to advise on this as there are so many factors at play and who IBU isn't that clear, especially in terms of things like back story and tone of voice when discussing this.

He blew his 'car budget' on a stupidly expensive bike. His mistake. He needs some decent waterproofs.

Selfish prick got an expensive BMW convertible then sold it for a push bike which he won’t use in winter?

Why is it childish of the OP not to want to have to drive her husband into work because he made two stupid expensive mistakes one after the other?

'it's my car! i want to use it whenever I want! you chose to sell yours!'

Is the bare stone cold truth. But he sold his car because the family couldn't afford to keep two cars. So you need to move over a bit too.

We went back from 2 cars to one, and we worked out a schedule. If 2 cars are too expensive, then it's not a matter of who sold whose car, the family unit sold one of the cars and the other now needs to be shared.

So work out an equitable share of the car and plan your errands. Saying "I don't know when I'll want to do x" really doesn't work if both of you are dependent on the same transport. :)

We've always had one car and DH cycles. Even in the rain. If it is truly shocking we give him a lift. But given he would drive to work and leave it in a car park all day we have always agreed it is silly for him to have it.

Because adults in a relationship wok together to make life work for both of them. They acknowledge that we all make mistakes and don't play the blame game. They don't wail "Why should I?" or "it's not fair" every time life gets a bit rough.

They acknowledge that their partner's doing the best they can and give them some credit and support them.

He didn’t sell his car because the family can’t afford to run two cars. He sold it because he chose an expensive stupid car that doesn’t work for them. And for some reason they are still paying the loan for it despite having sold it?

In what way is the OP's husband 'doing the best he can' @Bluelady? He bought a stupidly expensive car they couldn't afford without talking to her.

"I think he even asked me if he could just have mine and I said no I need it, so get a cheap one to replace it. And he decided instead to get a bike. The loan he took out to buy that BMW, we're still paying off out of joint finances. I had no decision on whether to buy that car, I was not in favour of it. I would not have been in favour of getting a bike. He made those decisions because it was HIS car."

Regardless of how you've ended up where you are, you need to work out something going forward. First, do the finances and see what sort of second car would be reasonable to get. Then see what would happen if you tried his timeshare compromise. And try to get over the 'it's mine!' attitude. I know I would be feeling that too, but it's not going to help in the current situation. You have to work out something better now, that will work for the whole family.

He's doing the best he can by working hard and supporting his family. Like I said, we all make mistakes.

Agree with @mrsm43s

And presumably you benefit from having the cash at home that would have gone on the second car running costs? If you don’t, and your child doesn’t then you have a point. But if you do, and only running one car helps all
Of you, then I’m afraid I think you should start thinking less that it is just your car.

Dh cycles to work everyday. He wouldn't even consider driving because it would take him longer, stuck in traffic and car park fees. I used to cycle in every day too. Now a sahm and the car is used by me and the kids. Sometimes pop into town and pick things up from dh office for him, then he races us home on the bike. Kids love it.
Anyway back to you, you both sound like childish point scorers. Back to counselling to learn some empathy and how to share/ compromise.

Some people manage without a car at all. You are at home, get the bus!

If you can, just get a second car that would do for you. I don't think you should compromise when it was a BAD decision on his part. The bike is not useful, he should sell it and get a car. Mine bought a motorbike as expensive as drivers license+old car "because he always wanted one". Guess who has to take him to work at 9pm and pick him up at 6am? Sometimes I have to remind him that I didn't think it was wise and it's not my fault he chose a bike while living in this wet cold country. I simply don't give him a lift. Sounds mean but they need to be confronted with their poor decisions, compromise shouldn't come just from you and you alone shouldn't be dealing with the consequences.

Also, if he's not using the bike, just SORN it, you won't need to pay tax or insurance. That might help in getting a second car.

I think OP should keep HER car and her DH should get himself a cheap banger. She is going to be enabling him if she just gives him the car.

I think OP should keep HER car and pay to tax, insure and repair it and her DH should get himself a cheap banger.

Fixed that for you....

He didn't sell his car because you couldn't afford to run two, he sold his car because he deliberately bought an expensive one instead of a sensible one, then changed his mind and sold his expensive car at a loss. Then decided on a bike while still paying off the mistake car.

It is your car, it would be the family car if that had been what you originally discussed. However he said he wanted a bike instead of a car, you tried to tell him that he was being impractical and he wouldn't have it. Now he realises you were right he demands yours while still having his own mode of transportation.

He is being ridiculous, he wanted an expensive car, he got his expensive car, he wanted a bike, he got a bike. He didn't say he was getting a bike for only the summer months!

He is perfectly able to cycle in this weather, he just doesn't want to even though that is what he was choosing to do by getting a bike instead of a car.

Bugger that. He chose to go without a car because he chose an expensive car that he couldn’t afford which he then sold and replaced with an expensive bike which he never uses, yes? He’d have to take my car keys from my stone cold corpse. I’m at home during the day and would go insane without my car. He’s an adult, time for him to accept his choices and deal with them.

Doing the best he can? Is he fuck!

He wasted money on a penis substitute which THEY are still paying for (that is bonkers op - have you looked into getting a cheaper loan to pay off that debt - and where did the money from the sale of that car go it CERTAINLY wasn't on the bike!) - a decision he made UNILATERALLY which DIDN'T just affect him!

THEN he decides he's getting a ridiculously expensive bike - I used to cycle to work - 3 miles each way - he didn't need to spend as much as Bradley Wiggins would! Which he doesn't sodding use!

I have friends now that cycle to work - I'm talking 5+ miles each way - in Scotland, weather here currently 20mph winds and heavy rain - has been like that for several days. They wear weather appropriate clothing inc waterproof trousers and well fitting coats.

Sorry op but he's an irresponsible twat! The reasons for not doing lifts are pathetic! He could choose not to inconvenience the drivers I understand that, but him having to wait an hour is not going to kill him!