Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd doesn't want to come to family wedding

268 replies

AlexanderHamilton · 27/01/2018 23:21

I guess this isn't so much of an AIBU as a Wwyd.

We've been invited to my cousin' wedding. It's the Saturday at the end of half term. It will involve 2 nights stay (travel up on Friday, wedding Saturday, travel home Sunday. He has lived quite a distance away since a child (making regular visits with his parents "home". His mother is my godmother. I've verbally said we will be able to go.

Told Dd about it today & she doesn't want to go. I understand why as it's in the middle of her GCSE's. I'd thought one weekend would be ok. I could go alone (with my parents) & dh stay home but then I know Ds will not want to go as he hates anything that will take him away from his Xbox & his theatre group & he's not good at formal occasions (asd).

If we don't go it would he seen as quite a big snub.

Is Dd being unreasonable or not?

OP posts:
shushpenfold · 27/01/2018 23:24

If it’s the half term of her GCSEs, no she is absolutely NBU. Please don’t make her go and I would make good arrangements to make sure she’s being cared for when you’re away; she doesn’t need the extra pressure of having to think about meals, lifts, being on her own etc.

Namesarehard · 27/01/2018 23:24

Why can't they just both stay at home and you go?
Why do you question if you're DD ibu when you say it's in the middle of her gcses but not your son who just wants to play his Xbox?
Weddings are boring. Leave them at home.

Namesarehard · 27/01/2018 23:25

Your not you're ffs. I hate that we can't edit on this site!

Idontdowindows · 27/01/2018 23:26

Take your son, leave your husband and daughter at home. :)

If I were your cousin, I would understand the importance of GCSEs

MsGameandWatching · 27/01/2018 23:26

I wouldn't be able to leave my child with ASD alone, or with just a sibling overnight even though he's a teenager.

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 27/01/2018 23:27

She has asd too.

OP posts:
ProseccoPoppy · 27/01/2018 23:31

I understand your point of view, but really don’t think she is BU at all.

My parents had a big party with family and loads of their friends for a milestone birthday mid way through my GCSE’s and although it was only one weekend (so logically would have of course been totally fine) as a (probably slightly over anxious) teen I went but I got really stressed out by the whole thing. Not helped by well meaning relatives repeatedly asking me how it was all going with my GCSE’s... Could you not all go apart from DD? I’m sure your family would understand.

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 27/01/2018 23:32

I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her alone overnight for the best part of 3 days.

OP posts:
mrsmalcolmreynolds · 27/01/2018 23:36

DD is NBU, and if only you and your DM/DF going is a "big snub" for the wedding of someone you haven't actually seen that much over the years then you have a pretty weird dynamic in your extended family.

Hellywelly10 · 27/01/2018 23:38

My daughter hates weddings. I think it would be fine if you went with your parents and left hubby with the kids.

negomi90 · 27/01/2018 23:40

So your dd is being unreasonable because she has GCSEs and doesn't want to go to a wedding in this period, but if you let her not go, her brother will kick off and not want to go too?

DD is being perfectly reasonable and has a very good reason. If she's being that reasonable (ie missing a party to revise) and is 15/16 then could she not stay home alone with lots of lovely easy to heat food and chocolate, while everyone else goes up to the wedding.
Forcing DD because you're worried about her brother's reaction to her not going but him having to go, is very unfair on her. Plus that day means rejigging revision around it, and that can be really stressful for anyone.

Topseyt · 27/01/2018 23:42

Why don't you just go alone with your parents? Leave DH at home with your DS and DD.

I have a DD who is taking her GASEs this year and certainly doesn't need any additional pressure.

Topseyt · 27/01/2018 23:43

GCSEs!! Ridiculous auto-correct.

GrockleBocs · 27/01/2018 23:45

You go and leave dh at home with the dc. It's the only viable option that mitigates 'offence'.

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 27/01/2018 23:46

I might not see my cousin as often but I see his mum, my godmother very regularly, more often than I see some family who live locally.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 27/01/2018 23:51

DH stays home with them. DD has to study. DS “has a bug”. “So sorry they couldn’t make it but I’m here to represent.”

I mean if your there, how is it a snub?

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 27/01/2018 23:54

I couldn't invent a bug! My mum would know.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 27/01/2018 23:55

I'm just going to have to tell them.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 27/01/2018 23:55

Would your mum be pushing them to go?

Topseyt · 27/01/2018 23:58

Your last update seems to me to be all the more reason to go on your own.

It sounds as though your kids probably barely know your cousin anyway.

Don't force them. Your DD wants to prioritise het GCSE revision over the wedding of a cousin she hardly knows. That isn't a snub. It is fair enough.

Go on your own.

Original poster
AlexanderHamilton · 27/01/2018 23:59

Yes. But more so my dad (even though it's mum's family) but my dad has a big sense of family & is of the attitude you drop everything for family occasions.

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 27/01/2018 23:59

She's not being unreasonable.

Aside from the GCSEs thing, the relative is your cousin, so not exactly a close relation to your daughter. I don't think she's obliged to go.

timeforsomethingnew · 28/01/2018 00:03

In similar situation last year, I went on my own and left DD and DS at home with DH. I didn't consider taking DD as it was mid GCSE.

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2018 00:05

Do you want to go OP?

I would because I love weddings and I'd love a weekend away.

However, I'd totally understand that my teenage kids didn't want to attend the wedding of my cousin, so would have no problem letting them stay home with DH (if your DH is ok with not going either) and I'd have a lovely weekend with my parents.

Topseyt · 28/01/2018 00:05

Of course you tell them. You back up your DD at an important time in her academic career.

Just say that under the circumstances you felt that it would be better to come and enjoy some family time on your own for a change.

You seem overly worried about the sensitivities of your parents and wider family.